AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

[Mountainshills]

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

I don't think you're overreacting. "Not wanting to stress you out" seems dishonest - I'd guess it's more likely that she either didn't want to risk you saying you weren't happy with her plans, or she didn't want to delay meeting her friends while other arrangements were made. The attempt to frame her choice to not contact you as somehow being for your benefit would really irritate me. Besides, surely they both realise that having no idea where your children are and an uncontactable babysitter is far more stressful than a message to ask if plans can change?

It's the lack of communication that's the biggest issue - you arrived home, had no idea where your children were, and she didn't answer her phone or send a message when you tried to contact her. That's absolutely not okay. She ruined her own evening by choosing to be selfish and not communicating with you; had she behaved more responsibly you wouldn't have had to say anything. I wouldn't apologise.

There's no way I would have done that at 15 let alone 19. She sounds exceptionally immature and selfish and it sounds like her mum enables this behaviour. I'd be furious with the both of them and want my money back.

A is a selfish idiot. Who does that with someone else’s kids? Don’t apologise.

It surprising A is a self centred irresponsible person when her mother B enables and makes excuses for her

UANBU.

Crikey I'd have gone mad.

This brat needs to learn now to behave like an adult. She needs to honour a commitment, keep you informed at all times and not cry to her mum when she gets a text she doesn't like.

"I am the person who deserves an apology from her, for her poor babysitting job. She made a commitment and totally let me down."

Thank goodness you didn't let her babysit when she was 15!

The walk to B's house wasn't ideal, but I'd not have a problem with that if everything else had gone week. I'd just have shown her where the helmets are kept.

But dumping your kids for something better is not ok. Neither is the way it was done.

Do NOT apologise to keep the peace. A has been paid to go to the beach, from what I can tell!! She owes you an apology AND a thank you!

Wouldn't consider it a favour.
I didn't mention to her that I was desperate for someone to babysit. I simply asked if she still wanted to babysit and was she available to babysit the following day.
When discussing the fee, she said she usually charges £3.50 per child per hour for babysitting gigs. For 6 hours, for both DC, that's £42 and that's exactly how much I paid her. I'm not sure what the 'going rate' is for babysitters, but I know the national minimum wage for 19 year olds is £7.49ph and I was paying her 49p less.

A doesn't sound sensible or responsible. I think 19yo is old enough to reply to your text on her own without getting her mum to do it.

I would not let A or B babysit your kids anymore.

YANBU to not apologize. I am surprised A didn't apologize to you.

The issue here isn't her walking the DC to her mothers house, 19 is an adult and I don't know many 19yr olds who aren't capable of walking safely down the street.

The huge issue here is that she committed to taking care of your children, then decided half way through that she had a better offer and buggered off without telling you. I understand her not wanting to tell you while you're at work and worry you, and I can even understand her leaving your children with her mother who's a relative and has taken care of them before. What I cannot forgive, is going MIA and not being responsive immediately when you got home and tried to contact her to find out where your children were. That's totally unacceptable. Her and her mother knew when you'd be back from work, the fact that nobody left you a note or sent you a message at 3-3:30pm just to give you the heads up that I know you've finished work now and just to let you know - this is where the kids are, is unforgivable. That's the real kicker for me. They're your children and you have a right to know exactly where they are when you've left them in the care of someone else.

Definitely don’t apologise.

She clearly doesn't understand what paid work means, she sounds terribly immature for a 19 yo. About every decision she made on that day was wrong, you don't how her an apology and should never trust her to babysit again

A wanted to go out with friends so dumped your kids on her mother B. You had a word with A about that and B wants you to apologize for “spoiling” her evening.

Right.

Not only A went incommunicado while in charge of your children (I’d be beside myself with worry) but B who was hosting friends didn’t bother to message you “by the way,kids are at mine” just to let you know?

A is not a sensible girl as B claims.

Don’t apologize and don’t use their “services. They are way out of order.

Can you say that you made the arrangements based on A watching your kids and as she didn't watch them for the agreed duration, now that you've had an opportunity to work it out, you're due a refund of X amount from the £42 you left yesterday.

I also would say that if this was a work situation and not one amongst family members, it's very possible that A would be on an official warning for dereliction of duties. She got a "better offer", ditched her charges at the earliest opportunity and didn't let the parent know where they were.

Shocking!

Agree with all of this. Also- the cheek of her to still expect to be paid!!! She's in for an almighty shock when she starts working full time. Imagine being at work and just deciding on a whim to leave and go to the beach with your friends instead, and then wondering why you werent paid for the whole day! 😂Seriously, she sounds like an absolute idiot

I'd text B and say you will not be apologising. A committed to babysitting, so the answer to her friends beach request should have been 'I can't, I have a commitment. Maybe later.' She may be 19 but clearly not responsible enough to baby sit

I don't think taking the kids over to her mum's is terrible. The kids are also 11 and 9 now so they should be OK with a 30 minute walk/scoot. The problem is absolutely that she didn't tell you and ignored your calls. To get angry about that is perfectly reasonable and not something you should apologise for. She has shown that she isn't mature enough or empathetic enough to care for somebody elses children and do a good job with it.

She’s the one who owes you an apology not the other way around

YANDBU

I think you've been very generous to pay this irresponsible CF for essentially not looking after your DC.

I'd be livid - and think you've been calm & fair.

The point where I came home to an empty house & couldn't contact the person minding my DC, is where I'd have lost it. Imagine the cheek of A & B expecting you to track down your children 😳

(In your initial post I was thinking you were UR for not allowing her babysit at 15 - my DD babysat her small cousins from 12 (shorter hours), and longer periods now she's 16 & is really responsible & capable. My DS, nearly 14, now babysits when they need - cousins 2, 4, 6. However you clearly weren't UR based on what subsequently transpired!)

Taking the kids to her mums having told OP - fine.

Abandoning babysitting to go to the beach, leaving the kids bored with her mum, and failing to mention any of it to OP - mental in the extreme

I would be very pissed off with A about this. I'd also be pissed off with B.

One of my DC is 19 and if she were supposed to be babysitting for a relative but had a "better offer" and offloaded the children onto someone else without discussing it with said relative, I would be telling her in no uncertain terms that she owed the children's mother a massive apology and should be repaying the money for the hours she wasn't working. I'd also be telling her that she needs to grow up and get in the real world - you don't get to piss off to the beach if you have a normal job. If you want to piss off to the beach, fine - but in that case, don't agree to work for someone. And particularly don't take their children off somewhere without telling them. And as for not answering your phone... that's a whole other level of unacceptable.

But I suppose if B is telling you that you need to apologise to A, that might go some way to explaining why A is flaky and entitled.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening.

Good. Maybe A will now think about why a parent might be angry and distressed by finding their children absent, having to chase round to discover their whereabouts, having parental decisions on safety ignored and their children dropped with an unplanned carer. These weren’t her decisions to take, they were yours.

You did not overreact. She did the wrong thing, and didn’t even tell you where your children were!

Absolutely disgraceful. No apology would be forthcoming from me and tbh that would be a ‘never speak to again’ offence.

She took a job which was to care for your children. She didn't do that job fully and put your children at risk walking/scootering along a busy road. I wouldn't have paid beyond 1pm and I would definitely not be giving an apology.
Their parent is out of line too, do they not realise your day also became much more stressful when you got home to an empty house and had to go tracking your children down? If anyone needs to apologise it's them.

I wouldn't be apologising to anyone. In your position I'd be upset but for slightly different reasons. She said she would babysit. She knew what time you due home. She should not have accepted the invite - She was working.
I think the arrangements she did make sounded OK. I wouldn't be particularly worried about the scooter journey though I accept I'm not risk averse. My anger would be that she did not run this by you. She'd sent a text and you'd replied. You were contactable. She made these arrangements without your permission then she deliberately didn't answer her phone causing you more concern. I mean did she even send a text or leave a note. I'd be fuming.
I think it's fair to say she can't be trusted!