AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

[Mountainshills]

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

Send them this thread

I would be livid. With A and B.

My 19 year old DD regularly babysits, she’s often had a better offer come up after she’s comittted. If she did what A did, I’d be really disappointed in her and certainly wouldn’t enable her behaviour. I would also have contacted you to let you know I had your dc so you didn’t worry when you got home.

I’d not let either of them look after your dc again. Def do not apologise

YWNBU, B should of told her daughter that she made a commitment and has to stick to it as that’s what you do when you’re an adult, you can’t just let people down like that.

I wouldn’t be apologising at all, A also ruined your day by putting you into panic and not being responsible enough to even discuss anything with you, I wouldn’t care at all about making her feel “upset” she needs to learn to deal with the consequences of poor choice making.

I'd be really pissed off too. Her mother shouldn't have enabled her shirking her responsibilities to go off to the beach either.

I wonder if she'd have done the same if it hadn't of been relatives children.

There's no way I'd be apologising to her, she should be apologising to you.

I can see why they may think it's an over reaction bearing in mind your kids ages and them being family. It sounds like a fairly last minute arrangement though and there may have been an element of doing you a favour, however I don't think you need to apologise and the fact that A's evening was spoilt is by the by (unless it was a special occasion and she was doing you a last minute favour)
The worst thing was lack of communication and accepting the money to do the job in the first place I'd also be disappointed that the kids missed out on the skate park experience they were expecting.
Everything is OK, but I agree a discussion face to face when things have calmed down is better

there may have been an element of doing you a favour,

She was being paid for the hours! No favour!

agree a discussion face to face when things have calmed down is better

I wouldn't initiate any discussion. Cheeky A can approach OP with her apologies but I would be making zero effort.

B needs to teach A a few home truths about what it means to commit to a promise - not just a promise, in her case, but a paid commitment, and for family to boot. I'd be furious with my DD if she prioritised a laugh at the beach with her friends over a commitment; I'd expect her to apologise for her lack of judgement but then would also have to suck it up and apologise for mine in pandering to and facilitating my adult daughter's whims.
I'm fairly sure B will be trying to invite opinions from friends to gauge her own moral position here, so one hopes that they will be honest. I'd stand my ground if I were you - you did right in advocating for your DCs, and you would have regretted it terribly if you hadn't. You're now on phase 2 - not apologising. Hopefully some of B's friends (maybe even As, although they sound spoilt if they couldn't see it at the time) might knock the truth into B.

You are absolutely in the right and cannot believe posters are suggesting otherwise oer that you apologise!
Am assuming your text was "horrible' because it didn't praise A for being so clever and wonderful for taking dc to her mums rather than just leaving them home alone?

A is an adult, so her mum should not be getting involved. If she has an issue with anything you have said, she should take it up with you direct.
I'd reply to B something like" A is an adult, that's why I thought she was responsible enough to babysit. The fact that you are intervening on her behalf speaks volumes."
Honestly, if I were in your position I'd be furious, it's the fact she didn't tell you where you children were and went out of contact that's so worrying. The details of the journey to Bs house just add to the picture of an immature teenager, not a responsible adult.

Do not apologise! She took on a paid responsibility to you and your children and then decided to swan off with her friends! That’s like leaving halfway through a work shift coz your friends called and wants you to go out.
The mother is enabling this entitled behaviour and ought to have given her daughter a lecture in responsibilities when she even suggested it.
I wouldn’t be wanting anything to do with people like this I’m afraid.

Part of being a responsible adult is taking your commitments seriously, and following through on the jobs you have promised to do- especially ones you are being paid for. At 19, I would expect she would have a basic grasp of this concept but she clearly hasnt. You got home at 3pm- that still leaves plenty of time for her to meet her friends at the beach- it wasnt even a whole day!. Not only that, she didnt even take them to the park as she promised them, she made them stay on their ipads and told them to "be quiet". Her attitude stinks and I blame her mother for bringing up such a spoilt brat. Her mother is really stupid because she wont survive in the world of work with this kind of entitled attitude and life will therefore be a massive shock to her when she discovers that she cannot do whatever she pleases, whenever she pleases. Her mother isnt being kind to her at all- she is setting her up for future failure and completely unrealistic expectations about what adult life really involves.

I suspect they don’t think it’s a big deal because the children were left with a family member they presumably have a relationship with.

However, the lack of communication is inexcusable and you certainly don’t owe A an apology.

£42 to look after two children for 6 hours during the day?

What she did was shoddy, but I think you got the service you paid for.

The posters saying A's family so you shouldn't make a fuss are the reason A thinks she's owed an apology. If she'd babysat anyone else's children A would have turned down her friends because she knew she couldn't get away with it, but she thought it was OK to let you down. She's upset now because being family A thought you'd let her off. Don't apologise Op, I'd be telling her face to face how scary it was to come home to an empty house and how being family works both ways

Just in relation to this point @Mountainshills "B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening"
I'd have to be held back from replying ""Well it didn't seem to spoil her afternoon at the beach when she had a prior agreement to look after my kids though did it?"

This. I wouldn't have paid at least after 1

Both A and her mum have behaved poorly. A was super sneaky. She didn't contact you, as she didn't want you to know, she could easily have contacted you to ask where the helmets were or asked the DC, I bet they were rushed out of the door.

Also unacceptable that A's mum did not consider how unsafe the walking route was. I don't think either of them can be remotely surprised that you were unhappy. I suspect that the reason A didn't contact you at the time was precisely because she knew that you would strongly object to the plan.

Both of them have been really sneaky.

No YWNBU- and don’t apologise. Neither of them appear to have an ounce of judgment or honesty. Clearly A should have just missed the beach this once. Your kids had a pretty shit day. Potentially they were put in a dangerous situation. The mum had her afternoon disrupted and you were worried sick for a decent amount of time (that would have been the longest quarter hour of my life). All because someone wanted to go to a beach rather than do the job they had committed to do.

Don’t leave your kids with either of them again.

And don’t be gaslit by all this “didn’t want to worry you” bollocks, quite clearly A knew that if she’d asked you it would have been a hard no. She was just hoping she’d be back beforehand.

I would calmly reply to B that having reflected on the matter you are even more appalled and upset by her cavalier and deceitful behaviour, plus the failure to apologise and take responsibility from them both and that she would do well to have a think about this if she ever wants A to hold down a job.

Bet she won’t though and mummy’s little princess will have a string of jobs by her mid 20s, that is if she manages to get one in the first place!

So her dm can spit her dummy out because her dc was upset but you can't because she broke your agreement involving 2 minors? They are both nuts .. I hope you never see either again.

Earrings there are 2 sides to every story or 3 in this case. Op had to go to work BH Monday morning, and up until Sunday evening her dm was having the kids..so fairly short notice. To find an alternative sitter at £7.49ph was going to be a challenge. So maybe A felt it difficult to say no. As said it was the lack of communication that was the worst thing, the kids at that age should have known where the helmets were. I can totally understand the worry that has been caused and the bad feeling though

No I wouldn't apologise at all. A made a commitment to look after your children and should have stuck to that commitment. Fair enough if there was an emergency, but being invited to the beach is not that.

This happened with my MIL pmmce, on one of the rare occasions that I asked her to babysit as we had no other option. Half way through the day she got a call from another relative who comes over. She promptly dumps my children on said relative to finish babysitting and goes home. Really bloody pissed me off as she never spends any time with my kids as it is, she could have at least finished the last 2 hours instead of dumping them on someone else.

I wouldn't allow her to look after the children again. Issue resolved going forward.
I wouldn't have sent the text. Drama avoided.

Hard to believe this is real it is such dreadfully irresponsible behaviour.

B is a complete moron and is raising an irresponsible idiot.

B should have cut A off sharply at the mere suggestion of the beach as she had committed to babysitting for the day.

But no, B being a complete moron got involved with arrangements to have two small children walk along a busy road instead.

Unbelievable.

I certainly wouldn't be apologising.

They are both disgraces, but with a mother like that, A has little chance of amounting to much.

I have teens and there is no way in hell they would suggest such a thing, and the teens I know wouldn't either.

It is really basic to fulfil the job you commit to.

This is down to the way B has dragged her 19 year old up.

nah I just have a different opinion! I do think it’s an overreaction! The lack of communication was not good, but other than that it’s short notice cheap family babysitting, I would expect that to be more flexible & casual and I don’t see walking and playing quietly as issues given the children’s ages.

I'd never be asking A to babysit ever again