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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding DD(4)

421 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 30/05/2023 22:41

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 14:32

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 12:51

@Whatevercanbedone
Again, as you've listed lots of others ways to comfort, no need to whack a breast in a 4/5/6:7 yr olds mouth for comfort, do these mothers not want their kids to grow up? keep them reliant on mummy as long as possible?

Children aged 4, 5, 6, 7 are supposed to be reliant on their mum... Breastfeeding is a tiny part of that. Along with help with bathing, putting them to bed, crossing the road etc. Stopping breastfeeding won't make any difference to how fast a child grows up or gains independence.

Breastfeeding past about 2 wouldn't be for me but if mum and child are happy I don't see any disadvantage to continuing to age 4 or more. Would draw the line at 8 I think.

Original poster
Pumpkinspicedmum · 31/05/2023 14:33

To the poster who asked if there was more to it re my relationship with my husband - As a rule we have a very happy and loving marriage. Some parts of it have their issues but we have always been proactive at working on it, finding solutions etc.

In terms of parenting, we have always been on the same page, and have always supported each other until DD turned 4 and didn't self wean. I guess I am a bit unnerved that we 1) are not on the same page with this whereas with all other areas of parenting we are consistent and 2) that we havent managed to resolve this yet as we have managed to resolve much bigger issues than this. Its upset me xx

OP posts:
Birchtree1 · 31/05/2023 14:34

I breastfed for a year for both of my kids and they self weaned after 12 months. Would have breastfed longer but they weren’t that into it anymore. And this comes from someone who was lucky enough to exclusively breastfeed so never a bottle ( I am not preaching and it wasn’t easy with my first…) I think it’s fine to let them self wean and 1 feed morning and night is hardly anything!
but I’d try and get rid of the dummy because of teeth. We gave ours up at 3 years for my kids.
first time we packed them up and dropped hem off at a friends in exchange for a gift, 2nd time we left them outside for the Easter bunny ( in exchange for a gift) this was surprisingly easy as kids could understand they were all gone and none left anywhere to use. So we only had a couple of nights of asking for them but no real drama or upset.
good luck to whatever you decide! Realise everyone has to decide what’s best for them, their little one and their situation!

Mala1992 · 31/05/2023 14:36

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 14:28

I'm assuming most discussions with children about breastfeeding are probably initiated by their mums.

A friend of mine did extended breastfeeding even going into school nursery to top them up during the day. One of her children hated this and tried to avoid it. She was devastated when bringing up how wonderful breast feeding was with her children (when they were older) and they didn't remember it.

Eww no!! It is wonderful but talking about it later needs to come from them not the mother. My DD does remember and does want to BF her DC and does want to talk about it. DS absolutely not, no way 😂

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 14:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I don't know your specific reasons but for. most people who do extended bf i assume it's because it makes them feel needed or their not ready to let their children grow up or its an excuse not to have a full time job or to use as an excuse for getting out of going places or doing things, or a way to push your partner or other family members out, or to be a marty. Loads of reasons

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 14:42

Pebbledashery · 31/05/2023 14:24

Personally I don't think you're allowing your daughter the opportunity to grow up. We shouldn't be child led in every aspect of parenting. It's our job to instil boundaries.
With regards to your DH, he has expressed his opinion which he is allowed to do. He can't help it if he's embarrassed by it. He's not demanded that you stop. He's expressed opinion and doesn't want to see it. Sorry that it hurts but I can see where he coming from.

How does it stop her growing up? It's like ten minutes twice a day. No different to a child coming in parents bed for a cuddle in the morning.

I would probably respect the husband's request not to see it though. It makes him uncomfortable and it's definitely not a cultural norm to breastfeed past 3 so that is fair enough IMO.

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 14:45

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 14:03

@JosephineRunnerbean
the kid wants to.
Do you allow your child everything they want?

Yes, I allow them things they want that I'm willing to give them.

ClarissaExplainsSome · 31/05/2023 14:47

Personally I felt like 1 year old was old enough, but it's up to you and your child. As soon as speech, eating (and teeth!) started appearing I found we could provide comfort in other ways.

I do think it's fair enough that your husband doesn't want to see it though, it's his child and house as well and it's definitely on the upper end of what's culturally normal in this country.

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 14:50

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 14:37

I don't know your specific reasons but for. most people who do extended bf i assume it's because it makes them feel needed or their not ready to let their children grow up or its an excuse not to have a full time job or to use as an excuse for getting out of going places or doing things, or a way to push your partner or other family members out, or to be a marty. Loads of reasons

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Sorry, but how many people do you know who do extended breastfeeding?

Mala1992 · 31/05/2023 14:50

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 14:37

I don't know your specific reasons but for. most people who do extended bf i assume it's because it makes them feel needed or their not ready to let their children grow up or its an excuse not to have a full time job or to use as an excuse for getting out of going places or doing things, or a way to push your partner or other family members out, or to be a marty. Loads of reasons

Show quote history

We were a LOT more social due to extended BF. At the time we lived in Europe in a far more child friendly country, so that already made being out and about more easy.

Anything we did like co sleeping or extended BF made our DC more independent in the long run, not less. It was never about ‘keeping them young or dependent on me’. In fact it made me more confident, more able to read their cues - I definitely allowed other people in very readily.

Unfortunately there were strong red flags of the grooming nature from one relative. I was still quite young and very conflict averse. I credit the benefits of extended BF in our case to give me the strength to be really unpopular in that situation. As a young adult my DD herself has commented on the seriously off sexual energy of this relative

Tulip2478 · 31/05/2023 14:50

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 14:37

I don't know your specific reasons but for. most people who do extended bf i assume it's because it makes them feel needed or their not ready to let their children grow up or its an excuse not to have a full time job or to use as an excuse for getting out of going places or doing things, or a way to push your partner or other family members out, or to be a marty. Loads of reasons

Show quote history

Your assumptions are ridiculous and unfounded. How does breastfeeding twice a day stop someone from getting a full time job? I can't believe the judgement on here. OP herself said her daughter only feeds morning and night and is a well-adjusted healthy child.

Mala1992 · 31/05/2023 14:54

Tulip2478 · 31/05/2023 14:50

Your assumptions are ridiculous and unfounded. How does breastfeeding twice a day stop someone from getting a full time job? I can't believe the judgement on here. OP herself said her daughter only feeds morning and night and is a well-adjusted healthy child.

Show quote history

Yes this

Far more mothers do this than you’d ever know. It really can be very unobtrusive. You can certainly still do a full time job

Nevermind31 · 31/05/2023 15:04

Pumpkinspicedmum · 31/05/2023 14:33

To the poster who asked if there was more to it re my relationship with my husband - As a rule we have a very happy and loving marriage. Some parts of it have their issues but we have always been proactive at working on it, finding solutions etc.

In terms of parenting, we have always been on the same page, and have always supported each other until DD turned 4 and didn't self wean. I guess I am a bit unnerved that we 1) are not on the same page with this whereas with all other areas of parenting we are consistent and 2) that we havent managed to resolve this yet as we have managed to resolve much bigger issues than this. Its upset me xx

In your view you have managed bigger matters - in your husband’s view this may be a pretty big thing.

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 15:05

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 14:37

I don't know your specific reasons but for. most people who do extended bf i assume it's because it makes them feel needed or their not ready to let their children grow up or its an excuse not to have a full time job or to use as an excuse for getting out of going places or doing things, or a way to push your partner or other family members out, or to be a marty. Loads of reasons

Show quote history

Your assumptions are wrong I would say. I know loads of mums who fed until 2-3 years, all have careers and work more or less full time (think doctor, lawyer, academic etc), several are the main earner in the family. All have excellent supportive and involved husbands. The ones with local family have lots of grandparent involvement. They are also forever going on holiday!

I don't breastfeed either of mine any more and I can't say I have noticed my 2 and 4 year olds being more grown up than theirs!

I think people do it because it makes their child happy and they feel it's beneficial for the child. I'd say most are keen to stop after 2 if they only considered their own preference.

Basically your post is saying that you would stop because of pressure from husband and family..not because of the child. That's sad if you felt that way.

FoodCentre · 31/05/2023 15:17

Not "necessary"? Why are cuddles, or a soft toy or a blanket acceptable forms of comfort, but not breastfeeding?

Out of interest, at what age should breastfeeding stop at, if any? I'm sure I read about a 10 year old girl beating breastfed somewhere and just though WTF - it's clearly not the same as a cuddle. There is a cut off point somewhere

Sissynova · 31/05/2023 15:20

@Mala1992 We were a LOT more social due to extended BF.

Curious as to how extended BFing specifically made you more social?

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 15:22

@FoodCentre

It's not black and white, there is so many variables. Even in families the right age for 1 child can be a different to the right age for the other.

A child with additional emotional/behavioural/medical needs is going to be different to child without those needs. Needs aren't always obvious to outsiders either.

I think it's one of those situations where we should leave it to the mum and child to decide.

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 15:24

FoodCentre · 31/05/2023 15:17

Not "necessary"? Why are cuddles, or a soft toy or a blanket acceptable forms of comfort, but not breastfeeding?

Out of interest, at what age should breastfeeding stop at, if any? I'm sure I read about a 10 year old girl beating breastfed somewhere and just though WTF - it's clearly not the same as a cuddle. There is a cut off point somewhere

Where did you read about a 10 year old breastfeeding? Hmm As children grow, the shape of their mouths change so they become no longer able to breastfeed. As their milk teeth start to fall out and adult teeth come in, so around 6.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/05/2023 15:26

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 14:37

I don't know your specific reasons but for. most people who do extended bf i assume it's because it makes them feel needed or their not ready to let their children grow up or its an excuse not to have a full time job or to use as an excuse for getting out of going places or doing things, or a way to push your partner or other family members out, or to be a marty. Loads of reasons

Show quote history

Such uninformed nonsense.

I'm no martyr and my DH has always been a very hands-on parent. He was in no way pushed out, and nor were my extended family.

I went back to work full time when dd was 6 months old. I was and still am the main breadwinner in the family. I continued to bf her until she was nearly 3. It certainly didn't get in the way of me working or indeed of having a life away from my dd.

And I had no wish at all to stop my dd from growing up. I simply wanted to let her grow and develop according to her own schedule, rather than forcing her to conform with other people's idea of what is normal or natural. In the end, I did encourage her to stop a little earlier than she might have done naturally, because I decided that I wanted my body back - see above, I am no martyr. However, this was achieved through gentle encouragement and persuasion, rather than forcing it upon her in a traumatic way.

I really don't care how anyone else feeds their child, as long as children are fed, but I really dislike people who make such ignorant assumptions about stuff that they know nothing about.

FoodCentre · 31/05/2023 15:30

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 15:22

@FoodCentre

It's not black and white, there is so many variables. Even in families the right age for 1 child can be a different to the right age for the other.

A child with additional emotional/behavioural/medical needs is going to be different to child without those needs. Needs aren't always obvious to outsiders either.

I think it's one of those situations where we should leave it to the mum and child to decide.

Fair enough, thanks for that.

Somethingsnappy · 31/05/2023 15:30

So much ignorance on this thread. Actually, I don't mind too much the posters who say it feels too old in their opinion, but can't put their finger on why, as they often appreciate they are just influenced by a culture with low BF rates. It's the posters who attempt to justify their prejudice that bother me, using at best, rather uneducated 'reasons', but at worst, downright nasty assumptions.

FoodCentre · 31/05/2023 15:33

@JosephineRunnerbean I think it may have been this story https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6366649/Mother-reveals-shes-stopped-breastfeeding-daughter-aged-NINE.html

I don't know why there's a Hmm to be honest, I've just heard on this thread that it should go on as long as the child asks for it.

Somethingsnappy · 31/05/2023 15:40

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 15:22

@FoodCentre

It's not black and white, there is so many variables. Even in families the right age for 1 child can be a different to the right age for the other.

A child with additional emotional/behavioural/medical needs is going to be different to child without those needs. Needs aren't always obvious to outsiders either.

I think it's one of those situations where we should leave it to the mum and child to decide.

Some of the most sensible words on this thread. The last paragraph in particular!

Achwheesht · 31/05/2023 16:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

bussteward · 31/05/2023 16:32

Oh, I missed that we’d had “whack a breast” in a child’s mouth. Which isn’t how anyone who breastfeeds goes about it, but does begin our regular game of breastfeeding thread bingo: next let’s do “flop one out”, then “breastapo”, and finally “whole breast”. I see we’ve also had “suck on a tit” so that’s crassness covered for good measure.