Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding DD(4)

421 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 30/05/2023 22:41

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
leatherboundbooks · 31/05/2023 12:52

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 12:14

She likes a feed
What a child likes/needs are entirely separate things, I do wonder if most of these older BF children are not
weaned as the mothers like the reliance on them and really need to look at their reasons.
We don't allow children to make choices in most other areas and as parents we make the decisions as to what's best, do we let them chose a car seat they like? chose the chocolate they like?
No, we as adults make the right choices for them.

As one who did conto he to bf a 4 year old, for sure it wasn't because I wanted to do so and keep her dependent.
No child continues to nurse forever.

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 12:54

A very google will bring up info on other cultures

Breastfeeding DD(4)
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 12:56

MumblesParty · 31/05/2023 06:56

Out of curiosity OP, and other supporters of prolonged breast feeding - what age would you consider too old? When would you insist your child stopped?

Normal people stop breastfeeding around 6 months to a year. Mumsnetters il stop breastfeeding when my baby is 286 months old if they choose too

JenWillsiam · 31/05/2023 12:57

She won’t wean naturally at this age.

I fed until 5 and then had to initiate stopping. I’ve got a lot of friends who fed to this age. All had to initiate. The only two that didn’t both had sad situations where the kids friends in school found out and were mean to them which definitely spoilt something special. At some point you will have to stop.

JenWillsiam · 31/05/2023 12:57

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 12:56

Normal people stop breastfeeding around 6 months to a year. Mumsnetters il stop breastfeeding when my baby is 286 months old if they choose too

Show quote history

That is not true re normal nor is it optimal. 🙄

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 12:59

@HerMammy

BF children tend to be well adjusted and independent teens/adults.

It's not about mum trying to keep them reliant on them the opposite actually it's about allowing a child to develop and grow at their own rate.
Independence can't be forced it should be nurtured and supported.

You have no business judging other parents/families. It has no impact on you at all.

JenWillsiam · 31/05/2023 13:00

Floralnomad · 30/05/2023 23:18

Surely it’s different to be breast feeding a 4 yo in countries where the level of nutrition available is lower than to be breast feeding a 4 yo in a country like the UK /USA etc .

Show quote history

The two countries with the highest rates of childhood obesity on the planet? Yeah excellent models.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 31/05/2023 13:04

Is anyone else thinking "bitty"?

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 13:06

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 31/05/2023 13:04

Is anyone else thinking "bitty"?

Yes

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 13:13

Bitty meaning.... Made up of things that don't fit together

Hadn't thought it but possibly 'the understanding of those against natural BF is bitty'

HoppingPavlova · 31/05/2023 13:16

Is anyone else thinking "bitty"

Not until a poster a few pages back waxed lyrical about how their extended breastfed kids look fondly back on that experience. I then visualised 30yo’s sitting around at a bbq talking fondly about ‘bitty’. And shuddered. I breastfed, but if my kids (now adults) went on about their fond memories of breastfeeding as we were sitting around at a bbq or whatever I’d be ‘uhm, err, okay, great’ and thinking wtf went wrong there.

StormShadow · 31/05/2023 13:16

JenWillsiam · 31/05/2023 13:00

The two countries with the highest rates of childhood obesity on the planet? Yeah excellent models.

Show quote history

Where on earth are you getting that stat from?

StormShadow · 31/05/2023 13:17

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 12:42

@StormShadow
These older kids do not NEED breast milk for sustenance, it's for comfort at this age, which there is no need for, how do they comfort at school or nursery when their mother isn't there?

Didn't say they do need it. That's not the same as them deriving no benefit. Those are two very different things.

Mynameisntrelevant1 · 31/05/2023 13:22

Yeah 4 is too old. No dummy and no breastfeed- she's starting school I presume and it's not the normal at that age- she can take a multivitamin if you're concerned about that but why else would she need to breastfeed??

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 13:23

I've yet to come across any of the older BF mums who are fed up
or say 'this drives me nuts' they all revel in it and make sure to tell
you. So yes I believe the mothers enjoy it, seem to think it makes them super mum.

Tulip2478 · 31/05/2023 13:26

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 12:56

Normal people stop breastfeeding around 6 months to a year. Mumsnetters il stop breastfeeding when my baby is 286 months old if they choose too

Show quote history

Guess I'm not normal then as I fed mine for 14 months and the other for 2 years.

neverbeenskiing · 31/05/2023 13:27

BF children tend to be well adjusted and independent teens/adults.

Please link to any credible source that shows BF children grow up to be "well adjusted" and "independent" in comparison to formula fed peers.

Like a PP, I am also interested to know in which countries it is "the norm" to breastfeed until age 7 or older..."many" according to this and other threads on the subject but credible data to back this up never seems to be forthcoming.

Lots of posters here have referenced the UK's low BF rate but I honestly think that the exaggeration, hyperbole and dodgy statistics you see bandied around online do more harm than good when it comes to promoting BF.

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 13:31

From my experience and families I know. And I didn't say formal fed babies are less independent and well adjusted, just that BF doesn't harm independence skills.
I was posting in response to people claiming we are holding our children back. I notice they haven't been asked to show credible source for their claims.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 13:32

Tulip2478 · 31/05/2023 13:26

Guess I'm not normal then as I fed mine for 14 months and the other for 2 years.

Show quote history

I don't think bf a 1 year old is out of the ordinary or 2 at a push although not really necessary or beneficial to them but people breastfeeding a school age child is gross

Elevel · 31/05/2023 13:32

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 31/05/2023 13:04

Is anyone else thinking "bitty"?

No, because not all of us feel the need to be childish and/or shame someone. I knew the thread would be derailed by people squealing about how "weird" it is when I saw the title.

Okay, has "it's for the mother,nl not the child" or "the mothers do it because they enjoy it" been mentioned yet? That's always thrown out by people who clearly don't have a clue.

And no, I don't breastfeed a 4 year old, my oldest child is 3 and stopped feeding around 16 months.

It's not a problem, OP. But as you cab see (and it happens every time this subject comes up on MN), a lot of adults are ignorant on the subject and can't see past their own prejudices.

user01082312345 · 31/05/2023 13:34

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/05/2023 23:28

I confess I bottle-fed all of mine, but there was a mother in our parents group who breast-fed all of hers. At the time I knew her she was feeding an infant, a 4-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy. The boy had developmental issues (non-verbal, etc.) and mother had been called in to school when he tried to breastfeed from teacher. The little girl was denied entrance to preschool because she was still breastfeeding. Mother was furious and pulled them from school so she could homeschool them until they chose to wean themselves.
I am old-fashioned but I agree with your husband. When the child can say "I want a boob" and unbutton your blouse, it is time to hand them a cup and say No.

I still breastfeed my 2.5 year old son and he attends nursery full-time five days a week no problem... his language is thriving also (French and English).

Elevel · 31/05/2023 13:34

FangedFrisbee · 31/05/2023 12:05

Cool cool she should know that he is divorcing her because she breast feeds then.

Show quote history

If that's the case, thank goodness she doesn't have to put up with the controlling idiot.

DataColour · 31/05/2023 13:35

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 08:22

Not "necessary"? Why are cuddles, or a soft toy or a blanket acceptable forms of comfort, but not breastfeeding?

Can the antibodies from breast milk be replaced with an alternative?

And in what way is the OP creating "dependency"? The more you let them be close, the more they know that they are free to go out into the world and explore because they know you are always there to come back to when they need you. The more you push them away when they're not ready, the more they cling to you.

Show quote history

This has been my experience too. breastfeeding with DS failed for a number of reasons ( although I expressed for him for nearly a year), and he's certainly more clingy and "dependant" generally than my DD who was breastfed till 4.5. she is much more self sufficient and independent.

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 13:35

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 13:23

I've yet to come across any of the older BF mums who are fed up
or say 'this drives me nuts' they all revel in it and make sure to tell
you. So yes I believe the mothers enjoy it, seem to think it makes them super mum.

If you actually spoke to any mums breastfeeding longer than the norm, perhaps also tandem feeding (or even "triandem" feeding, yes that happens too!), you'd find out that plenty of them are frustrated and fed up, but they do it because the kid wants to. I'm certainly not "revelling" in the fact my 3 year old is still feeding. It's quite annoying actually, but I'm making a calculated decision at the moment.

I'm also not sure how people are so convinced that it's possible to "make" a child breastfeed who is no longer interested Confused

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 13:36

Elevel · 31/05/2023 13:34

If that's the case, thank goodness she doesn't have to put up with the controlling idiot.

Show quote history

That is not controlling its their child not hers he has every right to have a say in upbringing