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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding DD(4)

421 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 30/05/2023 22:41

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

OP posts:
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7
Mamofteenager · 31/05/2023 13:38

Pumpkinspicedmum · 31/05/2023 10:59

Just to respond to a few points. DD is very independent is most ways, she is a very social child and is full time at nursery and never asks for milk during the day. She likes a feed when she wakes about 6am and one in the evening, usually after bath time. I feel lousy about the dummy but our dentist hasnt mentioned it and her teeth are fine (no big gaps) which I count my lucky stars for! Her speech is also very good. She doesnt have her dummy all day anymore, usually if she is tired, upset or under the weather but as a baby and toddler it was pretty constant. We have been strict with not letting DS have a dummy at all and thankfully he's never really needed one.

I don't "baby" DD, but I dont like the idea of withdrawing comfort either. DS has a cuddly lamb he uses for comfort and cant be without but DD seems to get her comfort from feeding. I assumed she'd self wean at age 2 approx but when she didnt, I didnt want to just force her off.

I think maybe myself and DH need to work on our marriage a bit and try to find a way to stop arguing about this. Any advice on how to handle this side of it? Xx

Could it be that he feels a bit put out that if your daughter wants comfort in the morning or evenings that he is not the 1 that is able to provide this as obviously he cannot breastfeed? It might be a case of accepting this when she was much younger and needed the nutrition element of it and he was hoping that as she grew then he would be able to step in more

FangedFrisbee · 31/05/2023 13:38

@Elevel no it's because she's breastfeeding a 4 year old.

user01082312345 · 31/05/2023 13:38

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 12:22

Of course it has benefits. Immune boosting, antibodies, health and nutritional. They can be BF when vomiting / sickness bug as it's classed as a clear fluid.
It can calm them if they are having medical interventions.
It develops the jaw naturally and prevents overcrowded teeth and other modern dental issues.

This!!!!

Elevel · 31/05/2023 13:39

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 13:36

That is not controlling its their child not hers he has every right to have a say in upbringing

Show quote history

It is her child too. If a husband/partner is demanding you stop something natural, that you and the child have no problem with, to the point of divorce - yes, it is controlling.
I know that OP hasn't said that's the case here, but the pp I quoted seemed to think it was somehow OP's fault if he wanted a divorce due to her breastfeeding. In that case, I should imagine him leaving would be beneficial if that's how he behaved.

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 13:39

He has every right to have a say in upbringing such as bedtimes, food, schooling. He does not have every right to say what happens with OP body. He can discus how he feels. He can understand the benefits medically and emotionally to his child from extended BF and by extension the health benefits to his wife.

He can research his concerns and if he finds any negative impacts of BF he can bring those to the discussion.

But he should not threaten to leave unless she does what he says. That is not acceptable

Elevel · 31/05/2023 13:40

FangedFrisbee · 31/05/2023 13:38

@Elevel no it's because she's breastfeeding a 4 year old.

Yes, indeed she is.

🤷‍♀️

meditated · 31/05/2023 13:44

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 08:46

BF children drink out of cups and eat food. They aren't only BF. I don't understand how people are incapable of comprehending that BF is alongside others things and not the only thing the child has.
Expressing doesn't give the comfort that BF has. The breasts absorb saliva and identifies the antibodies the child needs. It's a 2 way system.
If you tandemfeed the body produces different milk depending on the child nursing and their needs. Milk varies due to gender, developmental stage and health needs. It changes due to temperature and in hot summer conditions the milk has a higher water content.

There are more people BF older children than society realizes. Most people won't say as they are met with shock and horror. At older ages this is in privacy of home so isn't something you will know is happening unless it is discussed and the person is happy to say.

Sweets, crisps, pop and sugary drinks. Fast food. Too much screen time. All things many young children are exposed to which great for them. None of which get the same level of discust that using a women's body to produce milk in the way it was evolved for.
And yet humans think nothing of drinking milk/eating milk products from other mammals bodies which has evolved to feed that mammals young.

Yep.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/05/2023 13:45

I think at 4, it is definitely time to stop. I assume she'll be starting school in September? That's a new stage of her life and would be a good time to stop the breastfeeding too.

It's unnecessary and at 4, it's time for her to find comfort in other ways.

FoggyDew · 31/05/2023 13:47

@Pumpkinspicedmum I’m going to go against the grain on the dummy thing- I had one til’ I was about 8 and I’ve never had any speech or teeth problems. My son never wanted a dummy but he did have bottles of milk until 4, and again has no problems from it.

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 13:49

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/05/2023 13:45

I think at 4, it is definitely time to stop. I assume she'll be starting school in September? That's a new stage of her life and would be a good time to stop the breastfeeding too.

It's unnecessary and at 4, it's time for her to find comfort in other ways.

My DC will start school at 6 and a half (don't live in the UK), is it OK to carry on breastfeeding past 4 then?

DataColour · 31/05/2023 13:50

Reception children don't discuss breastfeeding. I would be very surprised if a child was ever bullied for it at school. Not at age 4. Chances are they will self wean naturally when they start school.

TherapySquirrel · 31/05/2023 13:54

Reception children don't discuss breastfeeding

Surely the posters on here who claim their children regularly wax lyrical about their fond memories of BF and how magical their mothers milk is aren't (gasp) exaggerating??

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/05/2023 13:54

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 13:49

My DC will start school at 6 and a half (don't live in the UK), is it OK to carry on breastfeeding past 4 then?

Show quote history

In my opinion? No. I was talking about 4 year olds because OP's daughter is 4, I think breastfeeding past toddler stage is unnecessary.

bussteward · 31/05/2023 13:58

What has school got to do with breastfeeding?

DataColour · 31/05/2023 13:59

TherapySquirrel · 31/05/2023 13:54

Reception children don't discuss breastfeeding

Surely the posters on here who claim their children regularly wax lyrical about their fond memories of BF and how magical their mothers milk is aren't (gasp) exaggerating??

Don't know about anyone else but my DD would never talk to her friends about how she was fed, because it's completely irrelevant at school. But that doesn't mean she hasn't got good memories of it, because I know she does from she's said to ME.

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 13:59

@TherapySquirrel

Yawn. Both can be true actually

Children in reception are busy playing, school stuff and chatting about other topics. So unlikely to talk about BF. They may nurse the class doll/ teddy. Sometimes someone may ask what you doing and they will reply feeding baby. Children don't makes the judgements adults do they accept sometimes doll gets hug/mummy milk and sometimes they get Bottle milk

Later in they may talk about BF fondly among siblings or in relation to their own children BF journey. Or when they see a young child BF.

They will likely go through many stages of never mentioning too it's not Sunday diner conversation weekly.

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 14:03

@JosephineRunnerbean
the kid wants to.
Do you allow your child everything they want?

Whatevercanbedone · 31/05/2023 14:06

I allow them to eat the fruit and vegetables they want yes.

I allow them to play in the garden like they want too.

I allow them to play with the toys they want also.

Mala1992 · 31/05/2023 14:06

ShoesoftheWorld · 31/05/2023 07:25

I'm really interested in the frequently repeated argument 'she'll be starting school soon'. Does this mean it would be fine, in there posters' eyes, for it to go on until 7 in countries where children don't start until then? I doubt it, given these posters' apparent attitudes to bf - so 'starting school' seems to be some kind of alibi argument around their own unease. I'm also interested in why people think it's going to come up among the children. And why it would be inevitable or OK for the child to be teased about it, any more than it would be for a child to be teased for going to sleep with a nightlight or a cuddly. A lot of projecting of adult feelings around this here.

I love your post @ShoesoftheWorld

The US and most (all?) of Europe does start formal schooling at 6 which is far more in line with a recognised developmental stage - physically: change of teeth, and cognitively and emotionally. 0-3 is immediate family and sense of the world as a safe place. 3-6 is community outside family, but this can still be family if well supported in a good community. At its absolute best kindergarten should be emulating home and warm community. Home should not try to be school at this stage

The uk early start was not really to do with the child - more that, apart from children from wealthy families, they needed to know such and such by age 12, so they should start at 5 …..

Mala1992 · 31/05/2023 14:17

So it was quite arbitrary from the point of view of child development and needn’t be regarded as any benchmark of age old child development.

Weaning between 2-7 sounds spot on to me - in the sense that from what I’ve observed and experienced all children will wean at the right time for them within that age frame if left to their own devices, with quite a lot of variation depending on temperament and situation.

At some point it can also be adult led without trauma. For example my daughter was inconsolable at 2.5 when I stayed in hospital after a miscarriage. At 3.5 I was pregnant again and simply couldn’t have her at the breast due to severe stabbing like pains. Of course her preference would have been to continue but it wasn’t possible. But a year more of development meant she was ok even though it wasn’t child led weaning

Achwheesht · 31/05/2023 14:22

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Pebbledashery · 31/05/2023 14:24

Personally I don't think you're allowing your daughter the opportunity to grow up. We shouldn't be child led in every aspect of parenting. It's our job to instil boundaries.
With regards to your DH, he has expressed his opinion which he is allowed to do. He can't help it if he's embarrassed by it. He's not demanded that you stop. He's expressed opinion and doesn't want to see it. Sorry that it hurts but I can see where he coming from.

Achwheesht · 31/05/2023 14:27

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toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 14:28

I'm assuming most discussions with children about breastfeeding are probably initiated by their mums.

A friend of mine did extended breastfeeding even going into school nursery to top them up during the day. One of her children hated this and tried to avoid it. She was devastated when bringing up how wonderful breast feeding was with her children (when they were older) and they didn't remember it.

Mala1992 · 31/05/2023 14:30

I think someone asked about fertility/contraception upthread. BF is only a contraceptive if LO has 24 hour access, apparently!!

In our case periods stayed away for 21 months both times. First 2 or 3 periods were probably anolvatory. But even if not, the absolute earliest subsequent birth would have only been possible when last child was 2.5.

In this sense a woman’s fertility is determined by the needs of the youngest child in the family having been met sufficiently enough for fertility to return