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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding DD(4)

421 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 30/05/2023 22:41

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

OP posts:
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7
SunnySaturdayMorning · 30/05/2023 22:44

YANBU about the breastfeeding. Natural weaning age is 2-7.

YABU about the dummy. She’s far too old for that and it’s bad for both her teeth and her speech.

midlifecd · 30/05/2023 22:44

DS is 3 and feeds about the same amount too. DH is also making similar noises to yours about stopping.
Tbh I'm slowly stopping too as I'm starting to get nursing aversion but it's triggering a mid life crisis in me!
There's a FB group I found helpful called nursing older babies and beyond

VestaTilley · 30/05/2023 22:45

Personally I think it’s too old; she’ll be starting school soon, and there’s not much nutrition she needs from breast milk at this age. I’d be inclined to wean her; you still have the youngest one to feed.

nicesunday · 30/05/2023 22:48

YANBU continuing to breastfeed until she self weans, at the end of the day it is society who have sexualised breasts which make the idea of breastfeeding a 'child' rather than an 'infant/toddler' appear inappropriate.

But if it's any consolation, I asked my DP the same question and he gave the same answer as your DH. Though I expected nothing less of a man who's only interest in my boobs is a sexual one to be honest.

GodspeedJune · 30/05/2023 22:50

I can recommend the group ‘breastfeeding older babies and beyond’ on Facebook.

Your husband sounds like a right arse. What you are doing is biologically normal, it’s society’s perversion that affects how it is seen.

SchoolShenanigans · 30/05/2023 22:50

The dummy has to go in my opinion for the sake of her oral health.

I breast-fed mine until 2 and I personally also feel 4 is too old. We live in the real world and I would worry she'll get picked on for it at school. I think it'd also feel uncomfortable for me. There are others ways of having comfort (story and cuddles, tickles etc).

But if it works for you both then I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it, we all choose our own parenting techniques.

picturethispatsy · 30/05/2023 22:52

Do what’s right for you and your girl. Ignore all the noise about what’s normal and what’s not. I hate how we have a culture of moving children on before they’re ready. It’s a beautiful thing that you’re doing so ignore anything other than your own intuition and follow your and your child’s own path x

darkbitturtle · 30/05/2023 22:54

picturethispatsy · 30/05/2023 22:52

Do what’s right for you and your girl. Ignore all the noise about what’s normal and what’s not. I hate how we have a culture of moving children on before they’re ready. It’s a beautiful thing that you’re doing so ignore anything other than your own intuition and follow your and your child’s own path x

This!

Nothing wrong with feeding your 4 year old. Ignore previous posters who say otherwise.

I'm feeding my 2 year old (she is relentless and feeds so much still day and night) and I'm going to let her wean naturally too.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/05/2023 22:54

I’d be thinking about starting school and see if she will drink milk out of a cup.
Its your choice but personally I think 4 is too old.

DaisyChain16 · 30/05/2023 22:54

I've a 2 year old and a 6 month old - breastfeeding both.

I plan to let them self wean and my husband is fully supportive of this. My toddler usually only feeds at home but if she happens to ask when we're out I make a point of doing so. We should normalise feeding older children.

No advice on the dummy as mine are both bottle and dummy refusers!

SquidwardsBigBIowhoIe · 30/05/2023 22:56

Of course it's your choice as ours your body. I would agree with your DH that 4 is too old though, sorry

DataColour · 30/05/2023 22:57

I breastfed DD till 4.5yrs, half way through reception. No regrets on either side, she still remembers it fondly and hasn't any negative association with it. The weaning happened very gradually, just once a day at bed time for months before. I didn't refuse or offer. One day she just stopped.
Just do what is right for you and her. My DH was fine with it.

Sandrine1982 · 30/05/2023 22:59

I stopped breastfeeding DD (aged almost 3) last summer. I had to force it a bit TBH because I was getting a bit fed up. Now she still has to hold the breast in the morning when she wakes up and in the evening when she's going to sleep. I wonder when she'll stop doing that!!! :)

nicesunday · 30/05/2023 23:02

Sandrine1982 · 30/05/2023 22:59

I stopped breastfeeding DD (aged almost 3) last summer. I had to force it a bit TBH because I was getting a bit fed up. Now she still has to hold the breast in the morning when she wakes up and in the evening when she's going to sleep. I wonder when she'll stop doing that!!! :)

Oh I think this is adorable. Mine's like a cat kneading whichever boob is free when feeding 😂

darkbitturtle · 30/05/2023 23:02

Why is 4 'too old'? What makes you all think that? Genuine question.

ToK1 · 30/05/2023 23:05

Part of parenting is transitions

Your dd is no longer a baby, toddler or even a preschooler.

Your job as a parent is to help her grow up

That means stopping doing things that are for babies and toddlers

Including dummies and breastfeeding

Original poster
Pumpkinspicedmum · 30/05/2023 23:07

Thank you for the opinions so far. For clarification, if DD decided to self wean tomorrow, I would be absolutely fine with it and happy for her to stop. I just want her to be ready. My DS is already showing signs of self weaning - not completely, but he is much less interested than DD and I am fine with this.

As for the dummy, I am angry at myself for it. I refused to give her one initially and was told off by my health visitor for not giving her one when she had trouble settling. I went against my instinct and followed her advice and next thing you know she is inconsolable without one. It is this reason, we never gave DS a dummy at all. I am serious about her giving up the dummy. Miraculously her mouth and speech seem unaffected and I know we need to get rid. I was planning on doing the whole "dummy fairy" thing with her so hopefully we can put a stop to it.

I am a bit upset about DHs attitude though. I do respect his wishes and feed her in private, but it hurts that he's embarrassed by it

OP posts:
JussathoB · 30/05/2023 23:07

GodspeedJune · 30/05/2023 22:50

I can recommend the group ‘breastfeeding older babies and beyond’ on Facebook.

Your husband sounds like a right arse. What you are doing is biologically normal, it’s society’s perversion that affects how it is seen.

Hmm I don’t see why breastfeeding a 4 yr old is biologically normal, as you put it. Why would you want to carry on doing something which is unusual and unnecessary… do you want to create a dependency of some sort? Most 4 yr olds don’t need breast feeding.

JussathoB · 30/05/2023 23:09

ToK1 · 30/05/2023 23:05

Part of parenting is transitions

Your dd is no longer a baby, toddler or even a preschooler.

Your job as a parent is to help her grow up

That means stopping doing things that are for babies and toddlers

Including dummies and breastfeeding

This

Kingdedede · 30/05/2023 23:11

I thought my 4 year old would never stop, then he just did about a month after he was 4, for about a month after he wanted boob if he was really upset and now he doesn’t (we had only been doing at home for a while and mostly at bed time/1st thing in the morning) I asked him tonight if he remembers having milk and he said ‘when he was a baby’ he’s not 4 and a half yet! They grow up so fast before you know it she’ll have weaned.

BuffaloCauliflower · 30/05/2023 23:12

@JussathoB the global average weaning age is 4. Natural term weaning for humans is between 2-7. Your view on breastfeeding is coloured by our very low breastfeeding culture.

LakeTiticaca · 30/05/2023 23:13

Too old in my opinion. I would be concerned about her starting school and telling her friends and being teased about it.

Otherland · 30/05/2023 23:15

My daughter chose to stop at a month past her fifth birthday. My son was a bit earlier.

Why people think we should push them on to the milk of another species rather than our own which is specific to their needs (be that nutritional or comfort) is worth thinking about. Who is pushing the dairy agenda at us? Why? (Clue: the dairy industry, and money. Btw, mine have never moved on to cow's milk as it's just not necessary, and both are thriving.)

Clementinesucks · 30/05/2023 23:16

The dummy should go immediately. Just bin them and go cold turkey.

Once she gets over that I’d be removing the morning feed, followed by the night. I don’t think a four year old breastfeeding is something that should be normalised at all.

ejbaxa · 30/05/2023 23:16

I would do the dummy with straight up bribery. Some toys she really wants.

re the bf, if your ds is showing signs of self weaning, then I’d stop both together once he’s ready.

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