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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding DD(4)

421 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 30/05/2023 22:41

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

OP posts:
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ShippingNews · 31/05/2023 06:32

Phoebo · 31/05/2023 06:27

Agree 7 does seem too old. In fairness bottle feeding isn't natural or best for baby so it's not surprising that doesn't carry on, bottle feeding is very bad for teeth.

Show quote history

Huh ? Can you show me the research which says that bottle feeding is bad for teeth ?

Ostryga · 31/05/2023 06:38

ShippingNews · 31/05/2023 06:32

Huh ? Can you show me the research which says that bottle feeding is bad for teeth ?

Show quote history

Just google it. Every dentist is in agreement ‘bottle teeth’ are a thing and they cause decay (milk sits in the mouth when bottle feeding) and misalignment of teeth if used past 1.

mumofboys8787 · 31/05/2023 06:39

You say her mouth is unaffected by the dummy but I can tell a million miles off which children have a dummy and which don't. Most parents are oblivious to the rounding of their teeth until they actually give up the dummy and look back at pictures and notice how bad their teeth were while they had a dummy. The longer you leave if, the harder it is to reverse the effects.

Re the breastfeeding, I also personally feel like 4 is too old - but I'm also not sure why?! It's admittedly a societal thing that makes it seem taboo. My younger sister was breastfed until she was 4yo and it's actually been a joke amongst our family forever where my parents laugh about how she used to ask for "one more boobie". My mother totally accepts that the reason she carried on for so long was because she chose to take the path of least resistance. It wasn't an issue until it was one. In the end, my sister clearly wasn't going to self wean so my mother decided that her cut off would be when she went to school. Kids can be cruel and she didn't want to have to worry about my sister telling her friends at school that she still had "boobie" and get picked on. If DD is showing no signs of self weaning it may be time to cut the apron strings, be the adult and make the decision for her. At what age in your mind does it stop being ok?? What if she never self weans, you'll have to make the choice yourself so it might be an idea to start thinking of when you yourself think enough is enough.

FWIW I don't think your husband is a dick, he's just a product of society and as the mother and part of the breastfeeding duo, it's only natural to take it personally.

JMKid · 31/05/2023 06:40

Dummy and breastfeeding both go. She is far too old for them and totally unnecessary. I don't blame him for being embarrassed.

pyjamalife · 31/05/2023 06:43

I'm really curious, people who say their children still discuss BF fondly with you, what do they say? I just can't imagine how a conversation with a 5+YO would go where they randomly "fondly" discuss BF, as opposed to the new episode of Fireman Sam or what happened at school today. Is it not stopping a bit late if they can remember sucking on your breast for life (if they continue to discuss it) I know I would hate having that memory from my childhood.

And why is a 7 year old even stating "I will BF my baby like you BF me"?

Maybe it's because I find the concept of BF older children awkward. I look at my 2+YO and could not imagine them asking me to move my top so they can latch on. Never mind in 5 more years after school! (Even as they see me making milk for their little sibling - no interest, except to talk about my pumps!)

Notamum12345577 · 31/05/2023 06:49

SunnySaturdayMorning · 30/05/2023 22:44

YANBU about the breastfeeding. Natural weaning age is 2-7.

YABU about the dummy. She’s far too old for that and it’s bad for both her teeth and her speech.

Far too old for the dummy, but not breastfeeding? I get if you don’t want to judge the age a child breast feeds, but then you also can’t judge the age that child stops using a dummy!

ShoesoftheWorld · 31/05/2023 06:49

My eldest was 4 and a half when he stopped bf. I had been tandem feeding him along with his younger brother for nearly 2 and a half years at this point, and I doubt ds1 would have gone on so long had not ds2 and therefore a stronger supply been around. I think it would have dwindled away sooner. In the closing stages he seemed to be forgetting how to do it sometimes, and I knew the time had probably come when he was ill and refused a feed for comfort. Ds2 went on until he was just over 3, and I later had dd who fed until 3 and a half (and is now 7 and remembers it, as a lovely comforting experience). I think in all cases the end of bf came from both sides - there may have been a gentle push from my side but it was also something that was OK for them.

There's definitely a cultural preference in the UK for children to 'grow up' as quickly as possible (which sits very uneasily alongside their infantilisation in other things, e.g. independence at being out and about) - you see it on here with parents proud their 5-6yos are 'reading' (i.e. decoding) Harry Potter, people claiming Paw Patrol is babyish for a 4yo (!) and so on. Add our societal definition of breasts as sexual to that and you can see where some of the hang-ups around this come from. Perhaps if more children had control over their own transition from sources of comfort when very young, we might see less self-destructive self-soothing behaviour in adults (drinking to excess, eating to excess, smoking, phone addiction).
I wouldn't be happy at all with a man trying to break up a bf dyad in the way OP's dh is. Thinking about whether it's time to stop is one thing. Demanding it is worrying.

The dummy I wouldn't want at that age, largely for dental reasons. A 4yo bf is going to be bf for a few minutes a day max. A dummy might be in the mouth for a total of hours. Plus the physiology of bf sucking is very different from that of dummy sucking.

Dazedandbemused0 · 31/05/2023 06:51

LakeTiticaca · 30/05/2023 23:13

Too old in my opinion. I would be concerned about her starting school and telling her friends and being teased about it.

I really feel that 4 is too old too. Just unnecessary.

MightyEagle · 31/05/2023 06:55

I fed my own til nearly 3, but it felt too long for me tbh (I just couldn't get her off!) Even those people saying its perfectly normal, which I'm sure it is, must have an age in their own minds where it's "too old"? So even if that age doesn't exactly align with your husband OP, surely you can see where he's coming from? Of all the dickish things I've read on here, this is a fairly understandable one to me.

MumblesParty · 31/05/2023 06:56

Out of curiosity OP, and other supporters of prolonged breast feeding - what age would you consider too old? When would you insist your child stopped?

redteapot · 31/05/2023 06:57

If you're both still happy with it (you and DD) then carry on until one of you is ready to stop.
If you're ready first, I can recommend the Booby Moon book (used to wean my 3 year old a month ago, because I was ready to stop).
Well done you for feeding her for four years and for feeding two children for 18 months! That's incredible x

ShoesoftheWorld · 31/05/2023 07:03

MumblesParty · 31/05/2023 06:56

Out of curiosity OP, and other supporters of prolonged breast feeding - what age would you consider too old? When would you insist your child stopped?

I think you know that when you're in the dyad. No point imposing an arbitrary age that is the case for everyone.

People do seem to have an odd idea that if there's not some kind of 'cut-off' the child will go on doing it for ever. There's a sense in a lot of these posts of that scenario being vaguely threatening. If I came along and said 'if your child hasn't been to the shops by themselves by (say) age 8 [very much a cultural norm in some societies], they'll still be going everywhere with you at 18', you'd know that's nonsense. Why do people assume that bf will 'get out of hand' in a way they don't for other stuff.?

Katypp · 31/05/2023 07:04

It always amazes me how partners' feelings are pushed aside as if they are completely irrelevant in threads such as these.
Yet if those partners were doing something a (female) poster objected to, the consensus would be she should be supported and her feelings considered.
And to those that say if you don't bf you don't 'get' it - sometimes if you are in a bubble,you don't 'get' how out of step your behaviour is. I am thinking of the pp who was in an attachment group who genuinely seemed to think it was 'normal' to bf to 7. in her group only, it is, but in wider society it most definitely isn't

marblesthecat · 31/05/2023 07:04

I think the dummy should go (although I am just repulsed by dummies in general, not sure why since I was obsessed with mine as a child...) but I don't see a problem with the BF, it's not like it's interfering with life in any way and it sounds as though she is eating normally?

Roselilly36 · 31/05/2023 07:05

I bf my two DS’. DS1 stopped feeding at 1, I found out I was pregnant, and he just stopped wanting to feed. DS2 stopped feeding around 9mths, just didn’t want to feed anymore. I really loved feeding my two. I think it’s the right decision to wait until your child wants to stop, as long as you are happy to continue OP.

Katypp · 31/05/2023 07:07

And yes to the one pp who pointed out the inconsistency of vilififying a dummy yet approving of bf. Neither are age appropriate and the op is doing her daughter no favours whatsoever with either

FoodCentre · 31/05/2023 07:08

As a PP has pointed out to you, natural weaning takes place between 2-7.

Keep seeing this. Where in the world? I haven't come across it. I don't know anywhere that sees it as typical for a 4, 5, 6, 7 year old to be drinking from their mums breast. I'm just saying. Personal choice and all but this notion that 'western society'... no.

Lcb123 · 31/05/2023 07:08

I think the dummy needs to go. I know it’s common to BF to an older age on a global scale but I personally don’t think it’s ok at that age. It’s purely comfort not for nutrition- she needs to learn other ways to sooth.

Sissynova · 31/05/2023 07:11

@ShoesoftheWorld Perhaps if more children had control over their own transition from sources of comfort when very young, we might see less self-destructive self-soothing behaviour in adults (drinking to excess, eating to excess, smoking, phone addiction).
The dummy I wouldn't want at that age, largely for dental reasons.

So you don’t actually want young children to have control over their own transition from sources to comfort. You think it’s fine for a parent to decide to remove the dummy but it should be down to the child to control BFing.

BeefyWellington · 31/05/2023 07:12

I needed this thread, and could have written it myself (minus the dummy part, which is no judgement as my youngest had one until he was three and the dummy fairy took it, thankfully his teeth recovered by themselves).

My 4 year old still nurses. Not every day but some mornings and some nights. Occasionally randomly in the middle of the day.

DH says we need to stop.

I have been doing "don't offer, don't refuse" for a long time now.

I don't want to force an end to BF (although I wouldn't mind stopping either).

I'd like a natural and pleasant end of this journey. I've been BF for almost 7 years now in total. Given the very rocky start I had to BF with my youngest I would never imagine BF for so long.

ShoesoftheWorld · 31/05/2023 07:13

Sissynova · 31/05/2023 07:11

@ShoesoftheWorld Perhaps if more children had control over their own transition from sources of comfort when very young, we might see less self-destructive self-soothing behaviour in adults (drinking to excess, eating to excess, smoking, phone addiction).
The dummy I wouldn't want at that age, largely for dental reasons.

So you don’t actually want young children to have control over their own transition from sources to comfort. You think it’s fine for a parent to decide to remove the dummy but it should be down to the child to control BFing.

I'm sure there are ways of managing the transition to give the child control or perhaps don't give a dummy in the first place

Scottishgirl85 · 31/05/2023 07:13

Breastfeeding- it's up to you of course, but I think in a modern society 4 is too old.

Dummy at 4 is lazy parenting! Just my opinion though.

BeefyWellington · 31/05/2023 07:13

Loling at all the posters saying "It's only comfort" too. 🙄

Swimbikerunmummy · 31/05/2023 07:14

Hi OP, I bf mine until age 5.5 years, last term of reception. There was definitely a marked drop off from age 4 to 5.5, and towards the end it was just a quick minute or so before bed and again on waking. It’s not something they would look for at school!
I do agree that if you haven’t done it it’s very difficult to understand. It’s not like you start nursing a pre schooler, it’s a natural transition over time. As a source of comfort it was unrivaled and I was glad in the end to be able to use it through the transition to school. I now have an independent, thriving 9 yo, who does remember it fondly.

Also agree about finding your tribe, even if just online. It was only after mine stopped that I found out there was another child at school in the class who bf til age 6.

ShoesoftheWorld · 31/05/2023 07:15

(I know that early on they are supposed to lower the risk of SIDS but there are probably ways to transition out of that early enough for it not to become an issue in the toddler years. None of mine ever had a dummy - ds1 we tried half-heartedly but he wasn't interested and we didn't bother for the others)