Who's being a CF here?

[Thatleadsingersbiggestfan]

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

Don't be so daft woman!
Think of your kids.

Exactly.

Lives with dad. Is only moving in with you as dad is moving out to live with someone else. Prior to dad he lived in his previous woman's house.

He's an adolescent. Of course he's usually "generous" with money when you go out, that's how adolescents spend their spare cash. Consider that also a prepayment or downpayment on his future life leaching off you, rentfree.

Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?

He's a child! Of course he will "chip in", with his pocket money.

Surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet but definitely do not get pregnant by this golden-cocked prince.

At some point (hopefully in the very near future) the scales will fall from your eyes and you'll want to move on to make a life with a genuine man. Do not give this man any anchor in your life via a child.

Hmm.. hardly a great role model for your sons
Hey sons mums got a CF free loader moving in and btw We’re going to worse off. 🙄

"Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly."

you haven't talked about how you are going to do things Financially when he moves in..? How naive

You need to protect yourself. And your boys

Talk about EVERYTHING with your partner before you decide to let him in your house.

Smarten up op!!

Stop with laughing and thinking this is all so funny. Because it is not

He is displaying red flags. And you choose to ignore them by sticking your head in the sand

You need to talk to him

What happens if he looses his job. What happens when he needs more money for his Dd . What happens if. Etc etc etc.
Who pays for gass electricity council rates dinner holiday the list is endless

Talk to the man.

Thank you @DelurkingLawyer , and everyone else, for the replies.
A lot of assumptions made here by people who've never met DP! But some sound advice also.
I'm certainly having second thoughts.
I'd still like it to happen, but after he's got used to living alone for a while.
I've known DP a little longer than we have been together, so it feels like more than 18 months.
I do hold out hope that he's not only with me for the 'lodging', and the furniture comment was just naive, innocent albeit foolish. Time will indeed tell.
It's not only because his DF is looking to move that we were planning it, he could stay with him longer, his DF loves his company and he helps him out with a lot by living there, he uses DPs car for his own work and social stuff while DP is at work and other things.
DP buys his own food, it's not included in his £40 'rent'.
DP hasn't amassed 'thousands' in savings. He had to drop his hours during COVID and take a big pay cut to keep his job, he kept his CM the same during this period. He'd just cleared his overdraft and gone FT hours when we got together.
MN is full of calls of 'CL' and 'LTB' when that is really quite harsh not knowing the person, they could be lovely. I'm not defending him or being naive, but it's always the first conclusion here.
He'll have to wait a while longer to get his size 14s 'under the table'.
He's not the demanding type, he just likes what he likes, but will certainly be paying for all of it himself.
Yes my wardrobes are lowish but average 🧐.
I like to stack pretty hat boxes on top with my accessories and favourite heels in them, easier to get to and looks eclectic.
I loved the ladder comment 😆.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned, I've only read the OP's posts.

OP, have you calculated how much worse off you will be by him moving in? Loss of 25% council tax discount, loss of any top ups, (hate to use the word benefits)you currently receive. Increased cost of food, electricity, gas, water if on meter etc.?
He needs to be paying at least this for you to break even.
Is he prepared to contribute around £2k per month when he's only been paying £40?

Would you really be moving him in if he could still live with his Dad?

Make him live on his own for a couple of years first or you'll just end up with another dependant to look after.

DP buys his own food, it's not included in his £40 'rent'.

Oh, he's a big boy now!

Even at minimum wage, if he’s been working ft for 18 months, and with his pitifully low outgoings, how has he not amassed thousands in savings? And if he really hasn’t, why not? You talk about him being generous “when he has money”. When on earth would a grown man in his very fortunate circumstances not have money? What is he doing with it? And if there’s a reasonable explanation for where his money is going, how is he going to afford the enormous increase that he’d need to contribute to your household so that you’re not out of pocket? I can almost guarantee you that he’s not thought about that at all, and you certainly haven’t. I’m not seeing how this is anything other than a great move for him, and a really bad one for you and your young kids.

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan - draw up an itemised non-negotiable bill for your loss of benefits AND half the bills AND a nominal (or otherwise) rent. See what his reaction is, that should help you decide. And if you’re going to have to host his child during his access visits, he should pay for all of that extra expense too.

Not very romantic, I know, but romance doesn’t last long when you live with someone. I'd insist on living separately - love lasts longer, sex happens more frequently, and irritating habits are much less irritating when you haven’t got to endure them 24/7.

I’ve RTFT and haven’t seen a single response that supports your decision for him to move in. One has to ask if either of you would even be considering this massive step if his Dad wasn't selling up?

My mother she told me after my father left why she wouldn't marry while she still had two daughters at home. When I divorced I understood. Children need normalcy and stability.

Make your budget and breakdown what he would be responsible for. DON'T TELL HIM YOU'VE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK. When you sit down to talk ask to see his breakdown. I doubt he does much and thinks he shouldn't pay much as "it doesn't cost much for one more person." Again, showing you he's just thinking about himself.

If by this point his true colors aren't shining through, show him your breakdown, what he's contribution. Tell him you both will dign an Agreement. He'll pay a deposit of one month's expenses, and first month's expenses. I'm sure Dad didn't ask for that. Don't put him on any accounts.

If it takes this much work on your part, hopefully you'll wake up and not move ahead with letting him disrupting your lives, nor your safe space.

Ok just stop.

You’re a grown woman with children, you’re not thinking straight. You’re rushing into things/

you’ve been with this man for 1.5 years. That’s fuck all. I’m surprised you’ve even introduced him to your family let alone attempting to move him in.

just because his dad is selling up, doesn’t automatically mean he moves in with you. So what if he lives alone for a bit? You need to go slow before you ruin your children’s lives.

I get the impression that you've asked for opinions/advice but aren't going to listen to them!

Wonder why his ex chucked him out? Wonder how much he contributed financially to HER household expenses? He may have no clue how much it costs to merely exist as an adult in 2023.

"What first attracted you to this financially responsible woman whose house is almost paid off?"

It's easy for him to 'be generous when he has the money' because he only pays £40 rent! He's not going to be so generous when the real costs of living hit him, if he is on minimum wage he won't have much left at all. What's going to happen then?

You would be mad to do this.

He sounds like a brokey

MN is full of calls of 'CL' and 'LTB' when that is really quite harsh not knowing the person, they could be lovely. I'm not defending him or being naive, but it's always the first conclusion here.

I don’t think that’s true.

I think when OPs like you say ‘mumsnetters always say CL or LTB’, it’s when they don’t want to see the very obvious thing that everyone else can see.

Being brutal, we don’t know you, and if you go ahead, it won’t impact us so there’s no reason for anyone here to be harsh.

I honestly think you'd regret this. I'm not saying LTB, but don't let him move in.

Quite. Where has all his money gone? The very fact you are asking on MN if he is a CF indicates that you cant see the way he is manipulating you and sponging off you. If you cant see how unreasonable his request is and have to ask us, then I'm not sure you are ring fencing your finances as securely as you seem to think.

This wont end well.

If he's had 18 months of only paying £40 rent, he should have been able to save a very large amount of money by now (even on a lowish income) and he cant even afford a fcking stupid wardrobe?

Think about that. Then think about it again. What does that tell you?