Who's being a CF here?

[Thatleadsingersbiggestfan]

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP you rightly say we don't know him and he could be lovely.

ALL cocklodgers are, of course, absolutely lovely initially.
They have to be otherwise they don't charm the woman enough to move into her home.

He is not "lovely" in his attitude towards YOUR children's financial security is he, let alone yours!

What "lovely" person asks a single parent to buy new furniture, specifically for them, completely unnecessarily, and says they will "chip in"?
Why isn't he proposing to buy his own special trouser wardrobe which he can take with him when he leaves?

Lovely? Really?

MN is full of calls of 'CL' and 'LTB' when that is really quite harsh not knowing the person, they could be lovely. I'm not defending him or being naive, but it's always the first conclusion here.

I'm sure your DP is lovely in some ways. Most people have their plus points. He may well be good company, funny, intelligent, kind et cetera. However, those things do not get to the fundamentals of who he is. And it's easier for us, at a distance, to say someone is a cocklodger because we're not blinded by the 'lovely' behaviour but instead can get a clearer view of the fundamentals.

Your story rings alarm bells for several reasons. You don't seem to know this man very well. You're moving him in with you and your children after a relatively short relationship. He's not living independently and already has a failed relationship with a co-parent behind him. He just doesn't seem like someone who's great at being an adult and most people are lovely if they think that by being so, they'll get cheap lodgings out of it.

I don't live with my DP. He has a young daughter and for us, it just didn't seem worth the potential disruption to her life to add me into the mix. We're quite happy living separately. If we're still together once she's old enough to move out, we might revisit the question of our living arrangements. But there isn't any hurry, even though financially in some ways it would be easier for both of us. I would suggest you hold off on living together for a while. And if you do insist on going ahead, do as PP have suggested and give him a breakdown of costs and what you're expecting him to pay.

MN is full of calls of 'CL' and 'LTB' when that is really quite harsh not knowing the person, they could be lovely. I'm not defending him or being naive, but it's always the first conclusion here.

I agree OP and it seems it is often men who are branded CFs if the their female partner contribute more financially or own the house whereas the men are branded "tight" in the opposite scenario.

So do you think this scenario is a sensible one?

I don’t. I think moving a man into a children’s home is s huge, massive decision and should not be done just to suit him, his small budget and his big needs.

The opposite scenario?

How often do we have men on here, who have their 2 young children living with them and move their girlfriend in (from their parents house!) Without discussing finances!!!

Don't make me laugh.

Sounds like he's swapping his dad for you, his new mummy. Think you'll be gaining a third child.

If you are on CTC/WTC won’t you lose your right to legacy benefits? So if he moves in and you lose them, you won’t get them back if it goes tits up. You will be moved onto UC.

You must be insane or desperate for a man to do this to your DC.

So currently, he lives with his dad paying £40 a week whilst you live with and support your two children solo.

And now, at this period where he has extra cash due to such low living costs, he still expects you to chip in on dates?

He's a tight bastard. Leg it.

Oh by the way OP, don't forget to save up to pay for his adult daughter to go on holiday with you. Because y'know, you knew what you were getting into. And you'll need extra legroom seats on the plane on account of his unfeasibly long legs.

He buys his own food

🤣🤣🤣

Oh god.

To be fair to us all slagging him off there are other indications that he is crap with money.

he had no savings despite his former partner owning the house so no rent/ mortgage to pay

he is only sometimes generous,

he doesn’t always have money available ( despite only paying a pittance to his father)

he thinks £40 covers the cost of a room/ heat/light/ hot water/ Wi-Fi/ wear and tear/ washing because “he buys his own food” and let’s his dad use his car.

he still has no savings (despite Covid being over for some time and many people in many industries being fairly well supported by furlough payments)

he hasn’t raised finances with the OP, OK, she hasn’t either, but I think it’s poor that neither has he, he has a child to support, he needs to know what money is going to be available in his bank balance at the end of the month so should be raising the issue. I find it odd that he doesn’t seem to have discussed the child/ contact time at the OPs house.

he drives a car but doesn’t need to use it for work, if he is that hard up why have a car at all?

OP be objective please. I can see you really like/love this bloke. BUT he is a total user - look at what people are saying! COCKLODGER. He can't start to tell you what to buy for the bedroom and expect you to pay for it. It's your new bedroom!!! Seriously just continue dating him - don't have him move in. He'll suck you dry.

No don’t pay for his new big person furniture,
or any of his big person food either. Don’t let him pay for them either because don’t let him move in 🙃

Sorry but he’s a stingy devil who is out to save himself even more money - and by living with (living off) someone who isn’t even a high earner. Any bloke with an atom of pride would not provoke such questions in the first place. You would just KNOW he was going to make life better. You don’t have to throw in your lot with him. You’re worth more than that.

I didn't realise 'adult' beds came in different lengths-I thought it was just widths?

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan
If everyone else is saying the same thing then listen to them. You really need to be asking him about the furniture and the household contributions. I think he may think he'll be paying you £45 a week.
Let him get his own place for a year and review the arrangement after that.

Have your relationship with him from two separate houses. DO NOT let him move in. Everyone can be nice until they get what they want, then u will see the real person. Protect yourself and Ur kids. Give him a good few years to prove himself to you.
Inside u have red flags already, that's why u posted. Listen to wisdom and keep finances separate or u cud have a lot of heartache.

Make sure your property is protected so he cannot claim any stake

Red flags all over the place with this one.

Don't do this he is looking for a roof over his head!!

Get a cohabitation agreement through a solicitor and then tell him he pays for what he wants/needs. If he doesnt like it, turf him out. You are too good for him

"It's a trap!" Sounds to me like he just goes from house to house living off of people. I bet he told you all sorts of stories about his ex and why they are exes. But, I am going to guess that the biggest reason is him not paying his way and not helping out around the house.
FFS, the only reason this was brought up was because his dad is selling a house to get rid of him. Okay, probably other reasons too, but don't delude yourself into thinking that your DP's mooching wasn't a factor in the decision.
Do not let this couch surfer move in with you. I would not be surprised at all if when you try and talk monthly bills with him if he doesn't say, "Well, I paid 40 at dads, but since we share a room, it should be less, right?"
Of course he is mostly generous. He has no responsibilities. This man is not going to improve your life by moving in. He is a dating partner, not a life partner. I bet you there are tons of red flags that you have dismissed due to whatever reasons. You had the sense to hesitant when he pushed too far. Don't lose all senses now lest you find yourself having to evict him in a year while he sleeps in your room and you sleep on the couch.

Sorry if it's already been mentioned - other than a few, I've only read OPs comments, but if he's going to be living on his own for 6 months or so before moving in, then he'll need his big bed and his tall wardrobe in his new place so he'll have to buy them himself.

OP - Have a thorough check of how much worse off you'll be financially by him moving in then have a proper chat with him about the minimum he'll need to contribute to cover that, not forgetting that you may be entitled to some universal credit - you should be able to do a benefits calculator, even if still entitled to tax credits, him moving in would be a change of circumstances so it would trigger a move to us.
And definitely get a watertight legal agreement for protecting your house

You're upset that people are making assumptions about him... it's because we are looking at his actions, not how much we love him. If someone you knew was giving you all of these details, would you really be saying 'oh yeah absolutely, sounds like a really sound decision!"

You need to look at this like a business transaction, because that's what it is for him. He will be the reason you lose benefits, and he clearly is not stable financially himself. He works full time but has no money/ only has money when he wants to flash cash rather than for proper rent/mortgage/boring reasons. You WILL be getting the short end of this proposition if you let him move in.

He's already established he has a type: a woman with a house. He couldn't be more transparent.