Who's being a CF here?

[Thatleadsingersbiggestfan]

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

Joining the chorus of posters wondering why on earth you’d risk your children’s financial stability to move in a man you’ve barely known who is unlikely to contribute and may cost you more money? please at least think about all of the potential implications for your young children. From what you’ve said the whole plan sounds insane.

THIS! ⬆

You will effectively be paying this man for the joy of washing his underpants and socks.

You may not realise it but you are very emotionally and financially vulnerable as well as having two young children to care for.

He may be an liable enough bloke, but he is obviously seeing you as a soft touch and will be living off you while he amasses savings, and has large amounts of spare cash to spend on himself (and he will) while you and your children take a drop in your standard of living.

If he hadn't had to move out of his dad's place would you be moving in together yet? I'll bet you wouldn't. Please, PLEASE, listen to everyone on here - don't let him move in. Tell him you aren't ready for that commitment yet.

If you do still want to have him in the house (only you know your feelings), take him as a lodger, get it in writing that that is what he is, agree a weekly rate which covers the benefits you will lose, plus a proportion of your food and utilities bills, and have a notice period written in.

You could very easily find that this man moves into your home, contributes nothing except the occasional night out, and you can't get him out without him making a claim against your assets.

Remember you have the responsibility for your children as well as yourself. DON'T DO IT. Don't leave yourself out of pocket.

He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them

Maybe, but it would be very strange if his legs are longer than a wardrobe.

(gawd, now I'm wondering about the size of his other attributes)

Would he be moving in if his dad wasn't moving with his GF?

You need to have a clear and very frank discussion around finances and costs. Explain the amount you're losing specifically, so exactly so many pounds. Then there's increase in things like water, energy bills and food costs, so he needs to cover those increases.

He needs to pay at least 25% of all energy and water bills and cover your lost single person reduction in rates and lost wtc and ctc. Work this out as a weekly/monthly amount he then pays you with an direct credit payment into your account. This is the very LEAST he needs to cover.

If he doesn't eagerly and quickly agree to cover your losses and increased costs please don't let him move in. It will cost you more to have another adult there and your boys will lose out. The furniture he can pay for. You have bedroom furniture you're happy with, so he can pay if he wants something different. If he can't understand your financial situation as a single mum with no support again don't let him move in.

How tall is tall? DH is 6ft 4 and we had a double for the first 5 or so years of our life together?
Unless he's MUCH taller, then it's a want, not a need, and he can fund it if he wants it so badly...

You are better off not moving him in. Raise your standards. These threads drive me mad! Why oh why can’t women see these men for what they are?

Honestly if your mortgage is complete in 5 years time if this is such a serious relationship I would wait until then. At least then you know your main asset is protected and it gives you time to see how the relationship does progress. There is no shame in ensuring security for yourself and your children.
How much maintenance does he pay for his dd? With such low outgoings I would hope it is significant and he contributes towards her extra curriculars, school trips etc. if this isn’t the case it can indicate whether he is a cocklodger and what he may treat you and the children like.

does he plan on doing childcare so you can increase your hours if contributing equally? How are you going to divide finances? Does he plan to contribute towards your family? So many questions that you need to sit down and have a proper discussion about. Any fear, obligation, guilt he attempts to cause you or avoidance on the subject and you should run for the hills.

Does he plan to continue his retail job or does he have plans for further progression I.e management or further study?

It sounds like you don't respect him and should call it time over the relationship? I think he should pay for his own bed but I don't think he should be shamed over not having a well paid job? Sounds like he works a hard job, really but you feel you want to exercise power now as beyond his life he would otherwise be having to pay for a landlord? It reads you've done the taking up to now and left him in the lurch as you don't want to live with him. It's fine, but you don't have to be a dick about it and mock him here. You're not intersted in him now crunch has come over you both deciding over living arrangements, it's fine. Try and handle it kindly.

As a lawyer, here is a piece of free advice:

DO. NOT. DO. THIS.

If you do not have advice from a solicitor and a watertight agreement drafted by them, he may be able, over years of contributing to the household finances to some degree, acquire rights over your house. It can happen whether or not you put him on the mortgage/the deeds.

I am afraid I agree with the PP who said there’s no man who’ll love you like a man who’s looking for a home.

PS my husband is 6 foot 7 and his wardrobe is the same size as mine. This guy is talking absolute drivel about needing a bigger wardrobe. Just wants you to spend your hard earned savings on him. Run.

Eh@randomfemthinker no one is shaming him for having a retail job.

He's being shamed for paying his dad £40 a week full board and expecting OP to fund his extra long legs condition

Free legal advice!! Please take note op.

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan

It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

Lol, are you from Leicester?

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan at the very least, he should be making up any shortfall in the benefits you lose by him moving in.
This is a conversation you should have asap.
plus he should be paying for any new furniture needed when he moves in, you have perfectly functioning furniture.

he is coming across as a cocklodger/hobosexual

Ask him where's all his money he's been saving on living costs while living at his dad's for £40 PW?

Ha ha, yes. Spot on!

Perfectly put.

“But I love him!” “He’s a good man really!”
They say love is blind, but it seems it’s also deaf and completely thick at times.

1. Sleep diagonal or foetal.
2. Fold clothes.

You need to replace the benefits first and then still get a contribution to bills.

You will rue the day you invited this pantsman in to your home.

Going to have a chat... Yeah, that will fix everything.

He's a serial cocklodger who wants you to make ammendments for his whims (what is he 12/ tall that he needs a high wardrobe to hang his creasefree pants?) and is, you have already noted eyeing off your nicknacks and other furnishings.

If he's so needy re a bed lenth and a wardrobe height (this is only the beginning), what else will he want to remove and renovate once he gets his feet under your table? Good luck with it all, and get onto the legalities sharpish.

You need to be really clear to him that you have NO SPARE CASH for such things as different beds and extra tall wardrobes when what you have is perfectly functional. That goes for anything else he decides isnunsuitable. That's one of the joys of living with kids whilst working low paid jobs.

His reaction to that will be telling.

Been together 18 months.

And you're about to move him into your children's home? For fuck's sake.

Sorry Floofydawg just made me laugh.

He'll be asking for a Corby Trouser Press next.

OP no one on this thread thinks he's justified in expecting you to pay for his furniture. It just seems like a CF move and it just makes me think it might be the thin end of the wedge.

You have been very clear that your kids' come first - but every single penny of yours that goes towards subsidising the man with the perfectly creaseless knees is a penny that could be benefitting your children in future, paying for the odd treat on days out ect is nice, but its no substitute for acknowledging a fair and equitable contribution to your household, not as a favour either and not as a conversation he has to be pushed into. As the person who is moving in, he should want to discuss this and make everything clear instead of asking you to buy him furniture. Im sorry it sounds like a preamble to taking advantage.

You both need to sit down. Show each other what you both have coming in. Work out all the bills and see what's left over.
I'd say new bed is joint purchase. Most places do 4 years interest free credit.