Who's being a CF here?

[Thatleadsingersbiggestfan]

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

@HateMyselfToo Why do you "hate to use the word benefits"? It's not a dirty word, it's survival for some.

I feel like you're probably not ready to move in with him because you struggle to talk about finances and money. Until you can comfortably talk about it, I think it's unwise and you'll probably end up getting done out of money due to your own embarrassment over speaking up.

Ideally whenever you first heard him say anything about you buying a new bed and wardrobe and him just chipping in, you would have responded straight away saying something like. "Oh, I don't have the money to be buying new furniture, if you want a new XYZ then you'd have to get it yourself.. although I am curious why you would think it's my responsibility to buy you a new bed - can you explain that?"

Also I'm guessing he has managed to save up a shit tonne of money by being subsidised by his dad for so long.. if my monthly outgoings were £160 a month I'd be rolling in it. Surely he has more than enough saved for whatever new furniture it is he thinks your house needs

I think you're all missing the point here, the OP is asking about having to pay to buy new furniture for DP, not whether or not he should move in!

But the two are connected- if he cant even afford a wardrobe after 18 months of paying £40 rent how is he going to contribute to their life together? He should have been able to save a decent amount by now and it begs the question- where is all his money? Knowing someone is bad with money is really important if they are moving in and potentially going to be sharing bills etc

Another lawyer - sorry but I too think you should be very cautious. Absolutely have a water tight agreement.

If you are losing CTC and WFTC he should be covering this and more - enough to cover the extra washing and soap powder, the extra hot water used, his toiletries and the extra food to be bought if he moves in with you. Presumably he'll use your Wi-Fi. Will you have use of his car?

The thing is he is old enough to have a teenage daughter but had, seemingly, no savings whatsoever when covid hit. This has to be a bit of a red flag. You meanwhile have a house that's nearly paid off. Sure he might be generous now (when he has money and when he's paying £40 "rent" a week?) but it might be nothing to the money he thinks he might save if he moves in with you.

At best, he is very naïve about you buying new furniture. At worst, he is a user. He's assuming that you're going to buy him a new bed and new wardrobe and he'll 'chip in' when it is only being bought for his benefit. That's another red flag.

For what it's worth, I have never known tall men to have especially tall wardrobes and, in the past, I can say that I dated lots of suit wearing tall men before I fell for a charming tall scientist instead. He never demanded I buy a longer bed or taller wardrobe.

For some reason, the looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, disturbs me. He seems to be planning how to kit your house out to suit himself, rather than consulting you. Another red flag.

I moved in with my husband after about a year. We discussed finances up front. We had a contracting out agreement before we bought a house. I have never been embarrassed about discussing money with my husband. I suppose my background meant that I was less likely to be reserved on the subject but my own view is that if you can't discuss money with a man, you shouldn't be moving in with him.

You sound great. You shouldn't sell yourself short.

Have you thought about why a man who doesn't live with his own child might want to move in with someone with two primary aged children.
The fact that he is targets someone "petite" while being v tall is also a red flag.
Protect your kids, you don't need this.

@Thighlengthboots we don't know if he can't afford it, OP hasn't actually said that, she's perceiving it as he's assuming she's going to pay for it.

It's hard to get every part of a relationship (and a person) over in one of these threads, but to call the fella this that and the other when all he's actually done (according to the OP) is assume he won't be buying the furniture.

OP doesn't sound naive, and maybe some 'gentle' advice on ring fencing her assets, but some of the comments on here are not really called for.

None of us know the dynamics or DP.

For sure, we dont know him. But there are most certainly red flags that indicate concerns and he has many of them. Even solicitors on this thread have expressed that. Why would he even assume she is buying the furniture?- if he has money saved and its his request why would he even assume that- it speaks to something about him. OP hasnt even discussed finances with him properly yet which is unwise considering they have already decided to move in together. His history is also concerning - funny how moving in together only came up the moment his cheap rent was ending. Also, why isnt he paying his dad more than £40? I'm basing all this purely on his actions- things he has done, not assumptions I am making about his character. Those behaviours are red flags. Its up to OP to decide if its worth the risk but I think people are just concerned how this might end considering the amount of threads on here where women get completely financially screwed over by men. I suspect deep down OP has concerns herself otherwise she wouldnt have posted this.

If he is tall i.e. over 6ft he will be too tall and uncomfortable in standard double bed the tall wardrobe is something else unless he has a lot of clothes and wants more space. But I wouldn’t rush into agreeing to any of this especially as your things are new and you don’t require any changes.

I agree he should try renting elsewhere for 6 months before you rush to move him into yours.

Then take time to think about the extra food, extra bills and anything else he may require and agree how things will be split. Also get to a solicitor pronto for legal advice.

A friend moved a man into hers. He owned a house which he rented out and received an income from this. Gave a very minimal contribution to living expenses and if she was cooking and asked him to pop to Aldi whilst he was out and get X and Y or similar. He would always come back
and say there you are, you owe me £3.59
or something which really grated on her. Her mortgage was paid off. She had to
ask for a share of the bill’s, she did all the cooking, cleaning, all gardening etc.

After a few years when his mortgage was paid off. He picked an argument and moved out.

You're wise to hold off, @Thatleadsingersbiggestfan

I suggest you hold off until your sons have left home.

The older I get, the less I understand people moving someone in to their children's home. I don't mean that single mothers should live the lives of nuns - but why introduce another adult, cocklodger or not, into your home?

What do the children ever gain from it?

Far better for a partner to have his/her own place. You get all the benefits of a relationship without the crap bits, and without disrupting your children's lives.

She has said he has said he will "chip in" for the cost of the tallpants wardrobe.

Will he "chip in" for the ultility bills, the council rates, the house insurance, etc etc, one wonders?

I once knew a man like this, with a teenage daughter, who took his washing home to his mother, and who did not pay his own bills - but he was a compulsive gambler, so at least had an excuse.

One does start to wonder why this grown man with a job was paying a peppercorn rent to live with his father - and presumably not coughing up then for utility bills, etc etc.

Cohabit in haste, repent in leisure...

@lemonchiffonpie maybe I am naive in thinking she has already discussed the monthly finances, that's something that should be done before anything else.

make sure he knows what you stand to lose in both benefits and extra council tax

She's already explicitly said that they haven't had a conversation about finances other than the vague 'chipping in.'

She hasnt though- hence the concerns

@Thighlengthboots 🤦🏼‍♀️

I know right? bad idea all round

@Thighlengthboots indeed!!

As others have said, if his Dad wasn’t moving on, would you have even considered living together? Don’t feel obliged to solve his housing challenge.

Mine is another voice saying please don’t move him in. And if he’s the decent man you believe him to be then he will say ‘I totally understand - I will find a place - that’s no problem.’

How old is his daughter. Would she be coming to yours for contact as well?

The other question is why has he only got a basic job, has he any ambition to do any better at all.

I think apart from all the CF you are going to end up financially very poor I think if you aren’t careful, or he’s going to push you to work more to make up the household income.

Having been pretty tough on OP - well her cock lodger in waiting - I think it’s a bit much to diss the guys job. Plenty of people work in retail. What is wrong with that.

It’s the sponging of his Dad and only just going full time and no assets to speak of that worries me more. Recent debts too. And being generous when he “has money” suggests he sometimes … doesn’t.

I recently divorced and have older kids that live at home. Seeing someone 2 years. Most importantly I’m not moving him in with me or my kids!!
Financially, we are in slightly different places. I own my house outright and have significant assets. My DP works freelance and owns a house worth quite a bit less than mine (he has no kids though so needs a much smaller one) with a small
mortgage. So if / when we do decide to buy a place together after my youngest goes to uni we will need to have an agreement in place and I will have to ringfence my greater share of the house / my assets for my kids etc.

I think it’s fine to work in retail but it’s obviously not giving him the income he needs. To pay for his daughter and himself.
Hes had the luxury at living at his dads, maybe he could have used some of that time to get some more training.
If it was just him, I couldn’t give a shit. But he’s going to use this as an excuse why someone else needs fo support him - first his dad, and OP next.

I have numerous friends who work retail, they’ve worked to get supervisory roles, changed palaces of work to get better rates of pay.

The guy is clearly just a bum and, as usual, its the kids who will feel the biggest impact.

MN is full of calls of 'CL' and 'LTB' when that is really quite harsh not knowing the person, they could be lovely.

Op, you've literally asked if he's being a cheeky fucker and we're saying, yes, based on what you have told us, he probably is.

Don't ask questions if you don't want to hear answers.