Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

cfs or family in need?

192 replies

Sheruns · 30/05/2023 18:58

More of a wwyd than an aibu but not sure where to post.

I've lived in a new estate for a while with dp and dc. We were one of the first families in but as the weeks have passed a few other families have moved in. There are two kids across the road and a few doors away similar age to my two and they've been playing out a lot together.

Not sure it makes any difference but their mum appears to be by herself with these two and two older dc. Haven't spoken to mum other than a brief hi.

With the weather being good the kids have been having lots of fun playing out and especially now it's half term but these two children are becoming a bit of an issue. At first I thought mum was a bit of a cf because the kids always seemed to be in my garden and running in and out of my house but my younger one struggles to make friends and they seem like nice kids so we accepted that. As time has gone on, we've become concerned with how much food her kids are asking for and taking without asking for.

At first it was the odd thing like they were calling round to play just as we finished dinner so our kids we're finishing up a yoghurt or piece of fruit and they requested one. One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves. My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl. I was out yesterday late morning when my two requested eggs on toast for brunch and they asked for some too. So my partner said something like you better ask your mum in case she's started making your lunch thinking once they asked their mum she'd tell them to stop asking for food at ours. They came back and she'd said it was fine. Last night asked them to go home while mine had dinner. They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.

Tonight I've been to the gym after feeding the kids and one of them has asked dp for dinner!

We've tried to ask about meals at their own house and at one point the other week one told us that mum would feed them when it was dark.

Do you think they're trying it on and just greedy kids? Do you think mum is a Cf just happy to let me deal with them? Do you think mum is struggling?

I kinda want to say something to mum because I'd be horrified if my kids did this (although I will say they're very polite when they do ask), but I don't want to embarrass her if she is struggling. If she was struggling though I'd try to help perhaps.

So wwyd?

OP posts:
Watchinghurling · 30/05/2023 19:11

I think you need to be much firmer. When it's dinner in your house, just say 'it's time to go home now' and close the door behind them. It's completely out of order for the mother to be allowing them to eat meals at yours. Her finances are not your business. If you're worried that they're being neglected, then ring SS. Otherwise just hoof them out the door. They shouldn't be at your house all the time anyway. I have no problem telling kids who call for my kids that we're busy and they need to go away. You need to toughen up.

tillytoodles1 · 30/05/2023 19:13

Maybe she's struggling, or maybe she's a CF. Are the kids well cared fir and clean?

DPotter · 30/05/2023 19:14

I'd hold firm on the kicking them out during your meal times and stopping them entering the house uninvited and taking food - tell them to put whatever it is back right now. In fact tell them - no more food from this house.

I can remember my Mum having to be firm with getting neighbours' kids out of the house at meal times. Their Mums did feed them but we had ours earlier and they were hungry I suppose.

tillytoodles1 · 30/05/2023 19:14

For not fir.

EasterBreak · 30/05/2023 19:15

I'd get them to go home at meals times. Not wait in the living room/garden, actually go home. I'd probably try to get an idea of what they eat though as I'd worry, I'd ask what they had for lunch/dinner yesterday or something like that, to see if they said nothing or said they had an actual meal. Some people fo just eat late. My good friend and her 2 kids eat after 7pm once her husband is in from work. That's far too late for me I'm more a 5pm dinner.

Sandylanes69 · 30/05/2023 19:15

They're hungry. Either keep feeding them or speak to their mum.

Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:16

tillytoodles1 · 30/05/2023 19:13

Maybe she's struggling, or maybe she's a CF. Are the kids well cared fir and clean?

As clean as the average little boy of that age who's been out on a bike all day and playing football, Yeh.

I was worried I was being too soft.... Will stand firmer tomorrow!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:18

EasterBreak · 30/05/2023 19:15

I'd get them to go home at meals times. Not wait in the living room/garden, actually go home. I'd probably try to get an idea of what they eat though as I'd worry, I'd ask what they had for lunch/dinner yesterday or something like that, to see if they said nothing or said they had an actual meal. Some people fo just eat late. My good friend and her 2 kids eat after 7pm once her husband is in from work. That's far too late for me I'm more a 5pm dinner.

My partner actually asked them what they'd had to eat today and they said scrambled eggs for lunch and hotdogs for tea. Which is what mine had yesterday (they had eggs at ours) and the leftover chips from the hotdog meal. We thought it was a bit random theyd had they same food, as though they hadn't eaten and that was the first food that they thought of to invent iyswim? Of course they might have just seen my kids having that and fancied it themselves.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 30/05/2023 19:18

Have you tried to get to know the kids' mum? Could you invite her for a coffee when the kids are playing and try and get an idea what the background is?

Blackbyrd · 30/05/2023 19:18

Well do the children look a healthy weight, wearing suitable clothing etc.? If so then send them on their way, the mother is encouraging the abuse of your generosity. If not, then the responsibility for dealing with the problem lies with Children's Social Services. You can report anonymously. Either way, the current situation cannot continue and they need to leave your house when asked

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 19:19

They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.
I think it’s also pretty weird to be eating and have other kids in the house that you aren’t feeding though.
Either ask them to go home as you are having dinner or feed them, don’t sit and eat while they watch and then give them the leftovers!

Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:19

Blackbyrd · 30/05/2023 19:18

Well do the children look a healthy weight, wearing suitable clothing etc.? If so then send them on their way, the mother is encouraging the abuse of your generosity. If not, then the responsibility for dealing with the problem lies with Children's Social Services. You can report anonymously. Either way, the current situation cannot continue and they need to leave your house when asked

I'd say they're slim but not unhealthily so, certainly similar size to my children. Not wearing expensive clothes but clean and appropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:21

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 19:19

They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.
I think it’s also pretty weird to be eating and have other kids in the house that you aren’t feeding though.
Either ask them to go home as you are having dinner or feed them, don’t sit and eat while they watch and then give them the leftovers!

I get that it's weird but in my defence I did ask them to go home and I didn't give them the leftovers, they'd grabbed them before I even turned round to collect the plate

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:22

AgnesX · 30/05/2023 19:18

Have you tried to get to know the kids' mum? Could you invite her for a coffee when the kids are playing and try and get an idea what the background is?

I'll try this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 30/05/2023 19:24

Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:21

I get that it's weird but in my defence I did ask them to go home and I didn't give them the leftovers, they'd grabbed them before I even turned round to collect the plate

Show quote history

You wouldn’t just serve up a family meal and have your own friend hanging about in the living room waiting for you to finish without offering any food.
Wishy washy asking isn’t enough if you want them to leave, you just need to say it again clearly and firmly. “X and Y are finished playing now, they’re having their dinner, doing their homework and going to bed. See you tomorrow.” And send them off.

OhmygodDont · 30/05/2023 19:27

The fact they are basically stealing food and by that I mean taking it however innocently to them without permission.

Id make them leave at dinner time, however if you are genuinely worried and you can afford it maybe keep some cheap stuff in you don’t mind them pigging and try to make friends with mum see what you can work out.

They could be cheeky greedy sod’s or they may genuinely be hungry.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 30/05/2023 19:31

I get that it's weird but in my defence I did ask them to go home

I'd be insisting they went home.

One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves.

Why were they still in your house while you all sat around eating pizza?

My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl.

How old are they, and your children? Because this bit specifically could be your children saying they can have an apple, or whatever.

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/05/2023 19:33

If either of them take food without asking, ask (tell) both of them to leave.
When you don't want them there, same.
I had a lonely childhood, but our house swarmed with DCs neighbourhood friends. I was glad, but did have to be firm. I got better at that as time went on.

NewNovember · 30/05/2023 19:34

No you are not being too soft if you can afford to feed hungry children then you should.
There are thousands of children from struggling families that don't need SS they just need the local community to step up and think about others.

steppemum · 30/05/2023 19:35

What I would do is give them very clear rules, firm no nonsense. Prime your kids too.
Tell them:
Do not go in our cupboards or help yourself to food. That is rude. This is not your house.
There is a bowl on THIS table that you may all eat from, and that's it. when it is gone, there is no more. Then put a bowl with some small snacks in for them to share.
At mealtimes, you need to go home, no arguments.
If you are here and you are hungry, the best plan is to go home and ask your mum for lunch.

Then enforce it, and sometimes say - please do not come back after dinner, my kids are not free to play today.

I had a kid who did this, she lived 2 doors down and they were renovating and she basically spent all her time with us. They were working late and I think would go home and eat about 9 pm. I asked her mum about it, and she was very grateful that her dd could eat with us, so we fed her about 4 times a week for about 5 weeks. The once they finished and moved in, she never came round to play again. I was not impressed

Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:41

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 30/05/2023 19:31

I get that it's weird but in my defence I did ask them to go home

I'd be insisting they went home.

One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves.

Why were they still in your house while you all sat around eating pizza?

My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl.

How old are they, and your children? Because this bit specifically could be your children saying they can have an apple, or whatever.

I did wonder if my children were telling them it's OK to take whatever. I asked my two and they said that when the visitors have wanted something, they've come to ask me for it rather than just telling their friends to go ahead.

A lot of times, my children have come to me asking for something for all of them. Not sure if the guests put them up to it or not because my two eat a lot.

Mine are 9 and 7 and these two are 6 and 8

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:44

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 30/05/2023 19:31

I get that it's weird but in my defence I did ask them to go home

I'd be insisting they went home.

One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves.

Why were they still in your house while you all sat around eating pizza?

My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl.

How old are they, and your children? Because this bit specifically could be your children saying they can have an apple, or whatever.

Also the pizza was for m e and dp as children had already eaten with their grandparents that day. We left what we didn't eat right away on dining table (all kids were playing upstairs) and we went to go outside to the garden for a bit of sun. Then they helped themselves to the rest (the visitors not my children who were full from going out for dinner with my mum).

OP posts:
AtleastitsnotMonday · 30/05/2023 19:46

Are they at school with your dc?

Original poster
Sheruns · 30/05/2023 19:47

No. Different school. I'm new to the area and use the school from my old area still. I'm not sure where they go. I never see them in uniform because we are out on school days 7-6

OP posts:
Imeldatryagain · 30/05/2023 19:55

I'd pop over to see their mum and strike up a chat along the lines of 'our kids are having great fun together so thought it was time to say hello and get to know you a bit better'. See if you get invited in and from there you might be able to tell how things are, whether there's a real issue with money, food or whatever. If she doesn't invite you in, maybe get to know her better in other ways and if she is really struggling, you can suggest some options.

I'd hate to think there was someone living opposite me who was struggling and couldn't feed their kids. On the other hand she might just be a chancer but you'll never know unless you get to know her a bit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread