cfs or family in need?

[Sheruns]

More of a wwyd than an aibu but not sure where to post.

I've lived in a new estate for a while with dp and dc. We were one of the first families in but as the weeks have passed a few other families have moved in. There are two kids across the road and a few doors away similar age to my two and they've been playing out a lot together.

Not sure it makes any difference but their mum appears to be by herself with these two and two older dc. Haven't spoken to mum other than a brief hi.

With the weather being good the kids have been having lots of fun playing out and especially now it's half term but these two children are becoming a bit of an issue. At first I thought mum was a bit of a cf because the kids always seemed to be in my garden and running in and out of my house but my younger one struggles to make friends and they seem like nice kids so we accepted that. As time has gone on, we've become concerned with how much food her kids are asking for and taking without asking for.

At first it was the odd thing like they were calling round to play just as we finished dinner so our kids we're finishing up a yoghurt or piece of fruit and they requested one. One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves. My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl. I was out yesterday late morning when my two requested eggs on toast for brunch and they asked for some too. So my partner said something like you better ask your mum in case she's started making your lunch thinking once they asked their mum she'd tell them to stop asking for food at ours. They came back and she'd said it was fine. Last night asked them to go home while mine had dinner. They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.

Tonight I've been to the gym after feeding the kids and one of them has asked dp for dinner!

We've tried to ask about meals at their own house and at one point the other week one told us that mum would feed them when it was dark.

Do you think they're trying it on and just greedy kids? Do you think mum is a Cf just happy to let me deal with them? Do you think mum is struggling?

I kinda want to say something to mum because I'd be horrified if my kids did this (although I will say they're very polite when they do ask), but I don't want to embarrass her if she is struggling. If she was struggling though I'd try to help perhaps.

So wwyd?

Every time they ask, sorry no that's for me for in a bit. Pop home if you're hungry.
Buy cheap squash and when it's gone it's gone and they can have water.
Can they have a yoghurt, sorry we need them for tomorrow etc
Offer toast if you think they're hungry but I would have a chat with mum. And say sorry, cost of living etc, when your ch say they're hungry I'm going to have to send them back to you, hope you understand.
Keep an eye on the situation

And be wary about becoming their de facto carers over the holidays. Keep sending them home throughout the day so she knows. And make sure the kids can play at hers also

Jam sandwiches used to be the go to for hungry kids in the neighborhood. People are saying send them straight home, but we all read about children starving to death in sight of everyone. Once again in the case of latest little boy to be killed, the neighbours could give full accounts, but didn't intervene. I'd engage with Mum, without giving away the reason, then decide from there. I've fed the children of drug addicts in the past, who SS were leaving in the situation. This could be linked to the school holidays. Those children, going hungry, who we all read about, could be living next door.

Good for you ,you do realise though not everyone can afford to do that ,the COL,is very real.,I can afford I feed my own kids,but I can't afford to feed random neighbours kids I just can't .

But the OP does mind feeding them!

If you say this to the mum you could end up feeding them all the time!

Precisely @x2boys , we shouldn’t be guilted in to this
it’s certainly beyond a lot of us

We need to call this out for what it is - neglect. These children are essentially feral, never at home, always at the OP’s, wanting all their meals there etc. I wouldn’t attempt to engage with the mum. No parent who lets their children wander around all day in and out of strangers’ houses with never a question as to where they are or who they’re with is a decent parent. I would ring social services and tell them that you’re concerned about these children and why.

Feeding them isn’t the answer, not only because you can’t afford to but because you’re delaying the issue and preventing anything being done for these children.

And for the people saying that we all played out as kids, absolutely. I did as wel, and we were all in and out of the neighbours’ houses, in fact my next door neighbour always has kids in and out of his house and his DC plays out with other kids. But the difference is that our parents all knew where we were and who we were with, and knew which parents to go to if they couldn’t find us. This mum from what I can see doesn’t give a shit where her kids are.

OP call SS today.

The mum is a neglectful CF.

Most people these days don’t have four children because they can’t afford to. Why should OP have to regularly feed 2 children that aren’t hers? If she continues to do so then she is helping the mother to continue to stay under the radar. If you’re ever worried about neglect then you should ring SS or the police.

@Sheruns please say no to the boys coming inside the house. Tell them to leave before you prepare meals.

You need to toughen up and send them out at meal times. Escort them to the door and close it behind them. It's too much having them there eating with you so much and also stealing food from the snack cupboard etc.
It is not your responsibility to feed them.

There are so many people on this thread virtue signalling about food poverty and how they'd feed them etcetc, without seeming to understand that many people couldn't afford to feed two random extra children several times a week, nor to have snacks and fruit stolen by said random extra children. You do know that some people have to count every single penny and budget accordingly so there isn't extra food around? Maybe the OP isn't strapped for cash, but it still isn't her responsibility to feed the two children.

She should talk to the Mum first - get to know her, and then at an appropriate point bring up the food issue. In the meantime, just crack down on it - move the snacks somewhere else, send them home at mealtimes, maybe treat them to something from time to time if they are playing with your children and you would like to give them all something.
You need to get a grip on this before the summer holidays because that will end up being an absolute nightmare if you don't put boundaries in place now.

Older brother is maybe 11-12. He isn't looking after the kids. Mum is definitely in the house because she took them to the park the other day

I would be happy feeding them and can afford to, BUT I don't think it's good to carry on blindly doing this without trying to find out some background on their home life and reporting this if necessary. You never know if food is the only issue -what other neglect could be happening. Of course, they could be absolutely fine and just hungry! They could be from a very loving home with little money. They could just have a cheeky fuck mum. Getting to know the mum is a must if you have her two small children in your house all the time. Good luck OP, hopefully you can find out a bit more. They sound like sweet kids.

I wouldn't go off on the whole neglect thing yet. Its a possibility but a bit OTT just now.

My daughter and her friends used to do this all the time, drive me nuts but it was because during winter they were not really able to play and holidays they could all play in the daytime.

If the kids are all playing today, I would go knock her door and introduce yourself. Maybe mention the kids are eating all kind of things at yours, not all of it your giving them either. Tell her your worried about any allergies as some of the food is being taken behind your back and quickly. She may well be mortified, if not then you have your answer. Also let her know that if the kids are invited to dinner you will be sure to speak to her yourself about it as you don't want her to be making food and they already eaten. Apart from anything else, these kids are too young to be round someone's house you haven't even met, also wouldn't be happy with them round if I hadn't ever spoken to the parents.

The OP didn't say that she couldn't afford to, nor did the posters saying send them on their way. Things must be tough if you couldn't afford smart price bread, jam and spread, so fair enough. I'm just sick of neighbours giving full statements over abuse, that they chose not to report.

We live in a quiet cul de sac and the neighbours kids are always out the front because they want to play with my son, but I've never allowed them in the house or garden as I don't know their parents (plus I just don't want them in here)
Would stopping them coming in the garden be an option? My boys go out the front to play but don't go far.

A few people mentioning whether I can afford to/ am prepared to help. We're not well off by any stretch. I'm not in a position to increase my weekly shop to add two extra people to every meal which it feels like I'm at risk of ending up doing but I'm not destitute either and can stretch to jam sandwiches etc. I am going to try to talk to the mum today or tomorrow.

Sounds to me like she probably has a much more relaxed parenting style - having had 4 of them, and probably isn't aware they keep asking for food! Unless she has heard them ask she might not know they do this. Playing with other kids on the street in an area like you describe is normal, and if its safe around there I don't think there is any safeguarding issues and as they are generally clean, well mannered and dressed well it does not scream neglect.

Only reason I say about she may not know they ask for food, is that mine did that once and I overheard! We were at a friend of mines house, had literally just had lunch before we got there- a boring sandwich! - and my 5yo just randomally asked her if she had any chocolate spread and if she'd make him a sandwich. Had I not overheard i'd of had no clue he even had the guts to ask for food from someone! Or that he was presumably still apparantly hungry. I had to point out he shouldn't ask for food at other peoples houses, unless its offered as my friend then said he'd asked for some crisps the last time! She found it funny, but I was so surprised he'd of done that. So maybe its a bit of that, they've asked and been given the food and now think its an ok thing to do.

Only way is to meet the mum really and go from there. Maybe even just mention they loved the pizza the other day or something and joke they must like eating at ours. Keep it light, she might not know they've been helping themselves.

Why should any one buy in smart price bread and jam just to feed random kids ,because their mother appears to be neglecting them ?You seem to missing the point here feeding a kid a jam butty,isn't hoping to solve any long term problems ,but as long as it makes you feel.virtuous 🙄

Are they more grabby for food this week than normally? It might be a half term thing (ie no free school meals)

I'd nip this is the bud straight away. They should not be helping themselves to food in another home unless explicitly invited to do so

Some kids do just have crazy appetites and most kids love snacking. Wanting chocolate and pizza is very normal but the fact they’re gobbling down beetroot pasta and mackerel seems like it’s genuine hunger.
I think I’m quite a relaxed parent but there’s no way I’d be letting my 6yo go into a strangers home without at least having a proper conversation and checking that it’s okay with those parents for my kids to be there, and that those parents seem normal! The fact the mum knows they’re there and isn’t bothered about talking to you makes me concerned.

It could of course be that by kid number 3&4 she’s just very (too) relaxed, she could not really know that they’re eating lots at yours, she could be really lazy and just not care, or she could be genuinely struggling.

Try to speak to her and gauge the situation. If you still have concerns, I’d ask to speak to the safeguarding team at the kids school and report it to get long term help.

I’d feed them with cheap, filling foods when you can when you can. Pasta, potatoes, veg, sandwiches. Make sure that them helping themselves to snacks is a no. Keep boundaries in place, whilst showing compassion and making sure they don’t starve.

Some children are just greedy and don’t know when to stop. It doesn’t make them terrible people, it’s just the way some kids are. You need to say no or send them home. They are taking the piss! I can say this knowing my own daughter is like this. She is asd and doesn’t seem to have that polite gene! I have told friends not to let her eat all their food and to feel free to tell her no.

No, I don't know you, but I can still say that when you say "Despite the PR put about by some activists, it is extremely rare in this country for children to genuinely not have enough to eat - and genuine charities and activists acknowledge this", you are talking absolute bollocks.

Food banks exist, you can’t expect other people to regularly feed your children, don’t be ridiculous, how do you know OP can afford to?

But intervention thresholds are constantly going higher. I'm still in touch with the children, now 26+ year olds who are grateful for me feeding them and occasionally washing their clothes, letting them get baths etc. In the area I grew up in, that was common practice. At my Nan's funeral there were tales of her taking in children and feeding the street because she ran boarding houses and the sailors would bring her catering size tins of corned beef.. Yes, report, research my posts, I always say that. There's nothing virtue signalling about being sick of neighbours/family/friends not reporting abuse/neglect. I take it you're an "me and mine are alright jack" type?

What did you say when they took the pizza? I'd have lost it over that!