cfs or family in need?

[Sheruns]

More of a wwyd than an aibu but not sure where to post.

I've lived in a new estate for a while with dp and dc. We were one of the first families in but as the weeks have passed a few other families have moved in. There are two kids across the road and a few doors away similar age to my two and they've been playing out a lot together.

Not sure it makes any difference but their mum appears to be by herself with these two and two older dc. Haven't spoken to mum other than a brief hi.

With the weather being good the kids have been having lots of fun playing out and especially now it's half term but these two children are becoming a bit of an issue. At first I thought mum was a bit of a cf because the kids always seemed to be in my garden and running in and out of my house but my younger one struggles to make friends and they seem like nice kids so we accepted that. As time has gone on, we've become concerned with how much food her kids are asking for and taking without asking for.

At first it was the odd thing like they were calling round to play just as we finished dinner so our kids we're finishing up a yoghurt or piece of fruit and they requested one. One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves. My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl. I was out yesterday late morning when my two requested eggs on toast for brunch and they asked for some too. So my partner said something like you better ask your mum in case she's started making your lunch thinking once they asked their mum she'd tell them to stop asking for food at ours. They came back and she'd said it was fine. Last night asked them to go home while mine had dinner. They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.

Tonight I've been to the gym after feeding the kids and one of them has asked dp for dinner!

We've tried to ask about meals at their own house and at one point the other week one told us that mum would feed them when it was dark.

Do you think they're trying it on and just greedy kids? Do you think mum is a Cf just happy to let me deal with them? Do you think mum is struggling?

I kinda want to say something to mum because I'd be horrified if my kids did this (although I will say they're very polite when they do ask), but I don't want to embarrass her if she is struggling. If she was struggling though I'd try to help perhaps.

So wwyd?

Nah I'm very ready to suggest people help potentially neglected children if they can.

That doesn't solve the problem though does it and feeding two extra kids several times a day soon adds up..

I believe they are bought. It's private housing. I seem to remember the developer had to provide some affordable rent but they were smaller house types that didn't feature on the available to buy development map when we bought. Their plot was on the available to buy map.i remember because it's the same house type as ours and we considered their plot because their garden was south facing, but opted for ours because better parking and built quicker. Anyway, they could be renting privately?

I think that the mum and as a result the kids are taking advantage of your kindness. I am sure Mum is capable of feeding them but is just happy to let someone else do it!

This is spot on
Kind as it is you are masking the problem, ring NSPCC for advice
Being completely unsupervised, allowed into strangers home and asking for food is not normal

This. I'm not saying pp's are wrong about boundaries, enabling cf's etc but a grotesque amount of children are living in poverty, food banks are crying out for more donations, children are going hungry all over the country. Some of the reaction on here make me want to weep!

I don't see anyone suggesting this woman should feed these kids 3 meals a day plus snacks. Where on earth did you get that from @x2boys ?

@Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername
I think this is a sensible response. There is a huge divide in our society in how we think about these things. It makes me sad.

The Op.has said the m kids are around for frequent meal.times and helping themselves to fruit and chocolate etc,this can become a habit it's all very well for posters to suggest the Op,should continue to feed the kids ,if it was the off sandwich ,bag of crisps,ect that's one thing but frequent meals and kids helping themselves to snacks is quite another .

Odd, sandwich*

I wouldn't immediately assume they are starving and in need. Some kids just really like to eat, especially at that age. You're not obligated to feed them. That is the job of their parents.

There is also a big difference between you giving them food when they ask, and them just helping themselves from your leftover pizza or your snack cupboard. The latter is stealing and no you shouldn't have to put up with it on the assumption that they must be fed inadequately at home. The way you have described their behaviour reeks of entitlement more than it does need.

I think you need to be very firm about what they can and can't have. Put a lock on the snack cupboard if necessary.

Despite the PR put about by some activists, it is extremely rare in this country for children to genuinely not have enough to eat - and genuine charities and activists acknowledge this. The real problem is actually at the other extreme, childhood obesity. But there is LOADS of help available for parents who cannot buy adequate food.

Where children do genuinely not have enough to eat it is far more likely to be because the parents are spending their money on things other than food, or because their working hours mean they are not at home to put food on the table. It is not your job to compensate for this.

My instincts would be to go over, introduce yourself and say the children are having a great time with her dc and just drop in that they seem very hungry when they are at your house, you don’t mind feeding them but feel you should check with her first. She may tell you they are struggling ( good to know) or she may say she feeds them all the time and they are always like this. Either way the mother needs to know, as she may have no idea.

I would make them a cheese sandwich or equivalent if they are hungry. I would not extend to cooked dinners because this could be an issue every holiday.

There is not a chance I would let a child roam the streets at six years old, there is a clue there to her values - parenting. It’s far too young.

There is not a chance we would have anyone helping themselves to your cupboards! - you should be quite clear to them op. It’s not helping them to ignore it as they need to understand basic manners, boundaries etc.

4 million children in food poverty, according to this report. But don't let facts intrude on your smug prejudices, eh?

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/01/number-of-uk-children-in-food-poverty-nearly-doubles-in-a-year-to-4m

@Sheruns you need to nip this in the bud before the summer holidays. Tell your dc that they are no longer allowed to bring friends into the house and back garden unless it’s a school friend they’ve invited round for tea. When you are about to start preparing a meal, be firm and tell the neighbours to leave. Prepare the meal once they have left. The neighbour is a CF who is happy for others to regularly feed her dc.

Daniel Pelka would eat anything he could lay his hands on as he was starving, yet no adults helped him. Food poverty is real; starving children are real. This is what the UK has voted for consistently for 13 years.

I grew up on one meal a day as perfectly normal, and going without it for different reasons. We weren’t allowed in if our mother wasn’t, but not supposed to mix outside while she worked. Of course, we did.

We generally found kids one level up from us, others ignored us.
But for a short time, I had a very different friend Denise. Just an average girl.
I wouldn’t have dared ask, but nodding was easy when asked if I’d like tea.

For a short time, my legs where under their table. Denise’s mum unwittingly did more than feed me. She showed me a ‘normal’ family and home. Space, clean home, own bed, greetings, mealtimes, TV, radio. her Dad came in one day ruffled her hair and asked her how her day at school was.
Under pressure to reciprocate, I tried to sneak Denise to ours. Bad move.
I was punished for causing upset to Denise and her mum and taken away not long after. Not to a happier life.

Denise’s home was the one and only ‘normal happy home and family’ I ever experienced as a child. I had my first children horribly young and modeled my idea of what things were supposed to be on Denise's’ Home. It may not just be food those kids are getting.

If you’re not on the bones of your arse, rules on cupboards etc. Cheap pasta and sauce, and cheap bread and spread. Same basics every time, not whatever your kids have. You’ll soon know if it’s hunger driven or something different.

Or the mother could be prioritising manicures over meals. Who knows.

How old is the older Brother Op? I wonder if their DM is trying to save money on childcare in the holidays by leaving them with their older Brother, but he's happy to let them come to you instead? I'd make time to go and say Hello to their DM and see if she knows, she may be struggling for money or she may have no idea that her DC are with you so much.

You don't know me. I grew up on FMS. My kids were on FMS for a time. I simply do not think it is OP's job to feed someone else's children. Because she, like me, like millions of us, can't afford to. And also the stealing is wrong. Please take a seat and spend some time examining your morals and your own smug prejudices.

That's so sad 😔

I hope your own family life since has been happy 💐

Kids are still hungry in that scenario 🤷‍♀️

This,all of these smug posters who think they are better than others because they have money to. feed any random child who comes their home and berate others for not doing so🙄
there are loads of families affected by the COL,just because we can feed our own kids doesn't mean we can feed all.and sundry.

That is not the adult of the Op, though

This is exactly it. When my kids were younger I would absolutely give their friends a bag of crisps or an apple if they asked. I could not afford to casually give them dinner unless I had planned for them to come to dinner as I was budgeting and measuring food amounts very carefully at the time for financial reasons. And i certainly would not have tolerated my kids' friends stealing my food without permission - on moral as well as financial grounds.

Some folks on this thread are virtue signalling because they are wealthy and it shows.