cfs or family in need?

[Sheruns]

More of a wwyd than an aibu but not sure where to post.

I've lived in a new estate for a while with dp and dc. We were one of the first families in but as the weeks have passed a few other families have moved in. There are two kids across the road and a few doors away similar age to my two and they've been playing out a lot together.

Not sure it makes any difference but their mum appears to be by herself with these two and two older dc. Haven't spoken to mum other than a brief hi.

With the weather being good the kids have been having lots of fun playing out and especially now it's half term but these two children are becoming a bit of an issue. At first I thought mum was a bit of a cf because the kids always seemed to be in my garden and running in and out of my house but my younger one struggles to make friends and they seem like nice kids so we accepted that. As time has gone on, we've become concerned with how much food her kids are asking for and taking without asking for.

At first it was the odd thing like they were calling round to play just as we finished dinner so our kids we're finishing up a yoghurt or piece of fruit and they requested one. One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves. My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl. I was out yesterday late morning when my two requested eggs on toast for brunch and they asked for some too. So my partner said something like you better ask your mum in case she's started making your lunch thinking once they asked their mum she'd tell them to stop asking for food at ours. They came back and she'd said it was fine. Last night asked them to go home while mine had dinner. They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.

Tonight I've been to the gym after feeding the kids and one of them has asked dp for dinner!

We've tried to ask about meals at their own house and at one point the other week one told us that mum would feed them when it was dark.

Do you think they're trying it on and just greedy kids? Do you think mum is a Cf just happy to let me deal with them? Do you think mum is struggling?

I kinda want to say something to mum because I'd be horrified if my kids did this (although I will say they're very polite when they do ask), but I don't want to embarrass her if she is struggling. If she was struggling though I'd try to help perhaps.

So wwyd?

Well, mum hasn't been round to introduce herself and seems to think it's OK to let her two young children out and around strangers houses ( could be other homes they go to as well as yours ) so she's not given the best impression whether she's struggling or not she is definitely a cf.

It wouldn't be a hardship for me to feed them a few sandwiches, fruit and biscuits once a day although I'd knock the stealing on the head keeping my doors locked.
It's not a long term solution to a potential problem though so I'd find out what school they go to and phone them, let their family liaison officer know about your concerns.

Anyone saying it’s your job to feed other people’s kids every day OP is talking crap.

If anyone genuinely thinks kids are being starved then they should report to SS. otherwise you are simply enabling shit parenting . People with a social conscience and spare cash can donate to charity.

I’ve fed multiple kids of rich parents who couldn’t be arsed. It caused no end of trouble and made me feel that my house wasn’t my own.

in my experience, the ones who are genuinely skint (and not just rich/lazy, or spending all their money on alcohol and cigarettes) will always return the favour. The ones who happily delegate all feeding and care without offering anything in return are usually just crap parents.

If they are eating beetroot pasta and mackerel gratin they must be fucking starving.

I imagine it's worse during school holidays. Most school have a breakfast club and they are eating lunch at school. They are at least getting a meal. On the holidays they might be having significantly less.

I'd you can afford it i would provide a warm but cheap lunch, scrambled egg on toast, beans on toast, jacket potato and a filling. I'd have some cheap cereals avaliable for snacking. I think the snack bowl is a good idea. Allowing them to take snack from there and only there. I wouldn't let them stay for dinner or come back after dinner. It's good to have family time, catch up and eat together without company. I think you need to decide what your boundaries are and stick to them.

There's no excuse for letting your young children out of your sight all hours of the day with a family you've never had a chat with, but this scenario: 'So my partner said something like you better ask your mum in case she's started making your lunch thinking once they asked their mum she'd tell them to stop asking for food at ours. They came back and she'd said it was fine.' makes me think they ran to mom, said 'X and Y's dad asked if you've started our lunch, if not can we eat with them?' and she said sure, thinking it was an invite. That kind of thing is a bit too subtle and relies too much on children relaying the message perfectly, imo.

Definitely have a casual chat with the mum.

I noticed my daughter was off her food for a while and after feeling worried she was sick I cottoned on and knocked on a few doors in our small neighbourhood. Turned out that she'd been scrounging at another kid's house, much like these kids are doing to you. Devious little blighter just preferred what they ate!

Needless to say, I asked them to shoo their own kids out to my house right along with my DD so I could 'repay' the dinners.

I would def speak to their mum (I'd have done it way before now).

Stop feeding these kids. If the family needs help, they can get help.

Good luck.

Yawn.

When I was a child my younger sister had a friend Linda, who was always at our house around meal times. My Mum was a softy and just offered her to eat with us. We later found out she was neglected at home and barely fed. She was taken into care and I know my Mum cried. After that she still came at least twice a week after school because she went to swimming club with my sister and Mum took them both there, watched them swimming, brought them both home and fed them before dropping back to the children's home she had to live in. She had to leave the children's home at 17. If you can afford to feed these hungry children do so. Without my Mum feeding Linda she would have been starving. She was almost 9 and afraid to tell anyone she was not fed in case her Mum got into trouble.

If they are very slim and happy to eat leftovers off your children's plates I'd bet they are really hungry. I couldn't let a child go hungry, I'd have to offer them food.

OP if you don't mind me asking, are the houses on your estate bought, or rented? The reason I ask, is that if they've only just bought a new house, I wouldn't imagine their parent/s to be too hard up to feed them, of course I could be wrong about that, but most people don't buy a new house and then literally not have enough money in the pot to feed the kids. If that's the case, then I think they're just being cheeky, possibly even encouraged by Mum as while you're entertaining and feeding them, they're not under her feet. Like others have advised, I think you need to be firm with these kids, rather than being overly nice, particularly as your kids aren't being invited back. I vote the Mother is a CF!

You seem very ready to tell people to spend their money on others.

We've all read horrible stories of children going hungry and then eventually suffering worse fates, if you can feed a child whilst you and yours are not going without then why wouldn't you?

Getting them real help from offical services can take a bit of time, they're children.

I would knock on their door and speak to the mum and let her know this cannot continue. It’s not your responsibility to feed them

Also I get that it might take time for social services for example to step in, but she is presumably entitled to benefits which are designed to cover food costs? Child benefit etc.

There’s also local support from the council, alongside food bank schemes. This is not your problem to solve - there’s help out there.

My thoughts are: where’s her money going if she can’t afford a 40p tin of beans or something to prevent her kids from being hungry? It’s more likely that she has basic supplies at her home, but your house has more fancy food which the kids get tempted by. Eg the takeaway pizza. This is why you need to speak to the mum and nip this in the bud. She might be unaware.

Yeah I’d say do this, you might be able to gage their situation better having met and spoken to her properly

Next time (tomorrow!) I’d walk them home and say to the mum ‘I’m dropping these guys home for their tea, maybe we could have them over again after lunch on Thursday, lovely to meet you’ and ask if you can swap phone numbers. You’ll be able to make a fair guess from her reaction what the story is.

Honestly it does sound like they're truly hungry and struggling. Remember that whatever you put out into the world will one day return. It's better to be in the position of giving than receiving.

You have been kind to these kids OP. I suspect something is amiss at home. I wonder if mum is working and older siblings are meant to be looking after younger ones? Your husband had mention of a brother.

If these children have FSM, they may likely have no food during the day. This is what Marcus Rashford and others have been campaigning about.

I would call at the house, perhaps before a lunchtime to explain you were going to ask them to eat with your kids, then you will see if an older sibling or mum is there. I would definitely speak to mum, perhaps have a look at the new build to ‘compare it to yours’ -it’s often easy to spot the signs of neglect in a house. Perhaps mum isn’t coping? Lots of decent people aren’t, especially if she has four children at home.

I would also try to speak to little one on their own- I have always been astounded by children’s ability to cover up bad stuff happening at home.

Find out what school these kids go to and phone once term starts and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead. Share your concerns with them as they will be able to check how things are and keep an eye on them/ feed them if necessary.

I would probably invite them to lunch a couple of times on the assumption that they are hungry if you can afford to. It’s all very well posters saying send them away because it’s not your business, but compassion and kindness can be a lifeline to anyone who is hungry- especially children.

If you can afford to feed them. If they weren't hungry they wouldn't be so keen to eat your food. Meanwhile try to get to know the mum.

Maybe have fewer appealing, expensive snacks on offer but offer them sandwiches for lunch etc. It's often cheaper to feed a child a basic lunch than a day worth of snacks, and it'll be more nutritious for them too. I agree the mum showing no interest in where her 6 year old is all day is not a good sign.

You do need to have some boundaries in place for summer hols. Get in the habit of sending them back home so it's normal, and they will accept it. It doesn't stop you being lovely and generous to them - they just don't need to be included every time or even most of the time.

You said it better than I could.

I had to stop reading this thread as I'm gobsmacked by the majority of the replies. "They're not your problem", "Send them away", it's absolutely vile, horrible and mean.

I suppose you lot are the same people who clapped for the NHS and think Marcus Rashford does a grand job in highlighting the need of free school meals.

Which doesn't sound like the Op,s scenario at all.

Everything @Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername said.

Kids can cover up what’s going on at home and mum might be too ashamed to admit she’s struggling.

I think, if children as young as six are being left to play unsupervised in stranger’s homes, there is clearly a problem. Kids happy to eat leftovers and mackerel aren’t being fed. If they just fancied snacks I’d understand.
I think if you can as afford it some sandwiches, cereal, pasta to all share. I’d stop them helping themselves to snacks.
One of my friends had a fairly open house, but people took the piss. It became expected for the kids to be there all day.
I know Ds’ friend and younger sister were allowed to play out wherever they wanted from v young. They always were hungry. Mum was struggling with her mental health and the dad was trying to keep on top of it.
We don’t know if she’s taking the piss or if they are genuinely hungry. Try to be nice but do what is affordable.

No.it's not many people can't afford to.feed other people's kids and they may tthemselves may be struggling but just about managing I feed their own kids
plus it's not really helping the problem if the Op o r he family move away or fall.out the.kids once again go hungry