cfs or family in need?

[Sheruns]

More of a wwyd than an aibu but not sure where to post.

I've lived in a new estate for a while with dp and dc. We were one of the first families in but as the weeks have passed a few other families have moved in. There are two kids across the road and a few doors away similar age to my two and they've been playing out a lot together.

Not sure it makes any difference but their mum appears to be by herself with these two and two older dc. Haven't spoken to mum other than a brief hi.

With the weather being good the kids have been having lots of fun playing out and especially now it's half term but these two children are becoming a bit of an issue. At first I thought mum was a bit of a cf because the kids always seemed to be in my garden and running in and out of my house but my younger one struggles to make friends and they seem like nice kids so we accepted that. As time has gone on, we've become concerned with how much food her kids are asking for and taking without asking for.

At first it was the odd thing like they were calling round to play just as we finished dinner so our kids we're finishing up a yoghurt or piece of fruit and they requested one. One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves. My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl. I was out yesterday late morning when my two requested eggs on toast for brunch and they asked for some too. So my partner said something like you better ask your mum in case she's started making your lunch thinking once they asked their mum she'd tell them to stop asking for food at ours. They came back and she'd said it was fine. Last night asked them to go home while mine had dinner. They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.

Tonight I've been to the gym after feeding the kids and one of them has asked dp for dinner!

We've tried to ask about meals at their own house and at one point the other week one told us that mum would feed them when it was dark.

Do you think they're trying it on and just greedy kids? Do you think mum is a Cf just happy to let me deal with them? Do you think mum is struggling?

I kinda want to say something to mum because I'd be horrified if my kids did this (although I will say they're very polite when they do ask), but I don't want to embarrass her if she is struggling. If she was struggling though I'd try to help perhaps.

So wwyd?

My feeling is that they are hungry. Are they cheeky in any other way or do they play nicely? To grab leftovers from other peoples plates doesn’t sound like normal behaviour for children of that age.

Saying that, it is not your responsibility to feed them. However as an adult, I would take on some responsibility to dig a bit deeper and find out what is going on. I agree about inviting the mum round for coffee or similar. Or maybe asking the kids to tell you a bit more about their older siblings.

If they are round for a play I’d make a point of bringing out a snack for all of the kids and then make it clear we do not help ourselves to snacks beyond this. If you find one of them helping themselves again I’d be firm but kind and say “we don’t help ourselves to snacks here”.

I would also not start playing up dinner before they have left as it obviously triggers them to make a bid to stay. Make it clear that it is nearly dinner time so they have to go home and don’t bring out any food until they leave. If you are happy to have them for tea once a week or something then you can say something like “we’re having you for dinner on Wednesday but not today” if they ask to hang around on another day.

I don't think I could send away two kids who are quite possibly hungry and not being fed at home (obviously I'm assuming this isn't causing you a financial problem). I would definitely be contacting SS though given that this is now an ongoing situation. If mum is struggling and can't afford to feed them then she needs support. I'd also be offering them some proper, filling food rather than letting them steal chocolates. Beans on toast, crumpets, bananas etc. Cheap but filling.

Agree with PP that it would be nice to try and get to know their mum and see if you can strike up a bit of a friendship. You'll probably get a feel quite quickly for whether she is a CF or not.

I’m a first time mum of a 5year old and maybe being a bit precious but I can’t imagine next year sending him out to neighbours I don’t really know - going in their house and garden for hours. Is that only me?

no offence OP, I’m sure you are lovely but just strikes me as weird. I don’t think I’ll happily be letting my kid out at 6 around the neighbourhood!

The last three posters have hit my dilemma on the head. I do think they're hungry and I don't like the idea of leaving them hungry. I'm not loaded but it's not going to kill me to cook an extra few eggs and toast.

They're lovely kids in every other respect. Really well mannered. Take their shoes off at the door to come in and play. Brought my younger one home when he cut his knee. Nice kids. It's just about the food that I think the behaviour is a little odd.

I'm going to have to try to engage mum in discussion. I'll try this week

This ,obviously Its not your place I feed them Op,ibut if 'they are eating if left overs and asking for meals seems like they might not be getting enough to eat at home, for what ever reason ,the odd bag,of crisps is one thing but this seems like there might be more going on.
my 16 year old has just left scool.he's been sharing his lunch with a friend for years as for what ever reason his friend was always hungry, my son has recently been diagnosed with diabetes, so I told I'm he can't share his lunch anymore ,so I have been making an extra sandwich for his friend for 'the last few months

Yes I perhaps see your point. Depends where you live I guess. It's residential and safe from a traffic perspective so there's that, but if my two were going into her house (not been invited once ) or garden I'd at least want a conversation with her.

I really think it depends..we live on an estate in a small village.. nearly every kid was in and out of nearly everyone else's house..mine included..but we all knew each other... it's quite a modern thing not to..(on a safe estate/road)
I spent my childhood playing on the streets...
It's 'not just you' if you are not happy to let your child do this, but plenty of parents do allow this..
Neither way is right or wrong..

I'm in a similar position but to a much lesser extent. My child (6) is not allowed out alone but a couple of local children (siblings 7 and 9) come round a lot and ask to come in, because my son can't go out. (That sounds a bit sad, I do take him out to the park etc.. he just has to be supervised!) I give them snacks and drinks but not meals and send them home at mealtimes. I do know the mum and I don't believe that they can't afford food or anything though.

The other boundary I've put in place is that they are not allowed to watch the telly. I don't want children that aren't even mine watching YouTube in my living room, particularly as they put on stuff before that my own child wasn't even interested in.

Nobody can really tell you on here if these children are taking chances to raid your snack cupboard or if there's real struggles at home. You need to find out more about the mum.

I had this problem. I realised that being nice wasn't getting me anywhere. I had to be firmer. I decided when they could come play, which was twice a week. Any other time I'd say not today, come on x day. I wouldn't let them in, unless it was pre agreed. I didn't mind giving squash and a sandwich. But didn't let them help themselves. When I wanted them to leave, I'd say time to go now. I didn't pussy foot around. You need to decide what you want to do, and be assertive. They're not going to cry, they'll be unfazed, go home then cannot round again. They won't die of starvation, just send them home after a few hours.

Is this a school holiday thing - as in, they normally have FSM but are hungrier in the hols? They shouldn't help themselves to your pizza, choc or whatever but need to ask every time. They might be nice kids but that's just good manners. Set some boundaries with them in a nice way but be firm about your house rules. They should go home for main meals.

If you think the kids aren’t being fed enough, I would contact someone as their mum needs help / signposting. The school maybe in the first instance? Are they at school this week?

The thing is you could end up.feeding two extra kids several times a day which is going to add up I appreciate you don't want them to be hungry nobody likes the idea of kids being hungry as I said I have been sending my son with an extra sandwich for his friend because otherwise my son gives him half his lunch and now my son is diabetic he needs his lunch but one sandwich costs me next to nothing compared to possibly three times two extra meals plus snacks

OP you have to be firm or you’ll be feeding these kids 3 meals a day through the whole summer holidays.

Their Mum is probably a struggling CF. The 2 are not mutually exclusive.

We’ve all known parents of whom we could say “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile”. Plenty of parents are happy to delegate the care of their kids to strangers. It happens often on holidays - I’ve spent time with random kids playing football on the beach while their parents sunbathe, as have many others. Whilst these situations may be tolerable for a 2 week holiday here and there, it’s not something many people want as a long term set up. And trust me, if you don’t nip this in the bud you will have 4 kids for the summer.

Their Mum may have financial problems, but they survived before they met you. Whilst it’s nice to have them round for a meal now and then, if you keep giving in then you’ll be stuck with them.

Unless you’re rich and charitable, in which case get to Tesco and stock up!

I've thought this too. It might well be a holiday thing. We're around a lot less in term time with after school club we're not home until six at the earliest plus swimming lesson one day and football training another they only have the chance to play out two nights a week when school is on. During most weekends my kids are at their dads so the past five days or so have been the first time it's got really bad.

I'd wonder about the home life they have to be honest. Who let's their children at 6 and 8 wander freely around strangers houses? The mum doesn't know you or your family at all. I grew up in a small village (and live in one now) and while we definitely did all mix in at each others houses, all the parents knew each other.
I can't imagine letting a 6 and 8 year old pester the neighbours all day long. It's CF territory. You are free and easy childcare and a cafe. I feel sorry for the kids. I'd have to speak to the mum in this case and I'd be putting boundaries in place. No more wandering the house helping themselves to food by going through the cupboards. They go home properly at meal times. I'd put out some filling snacks if they are round to play. Hopefully when you've spoken to the parents you might get a better idea of what's going on. Another issue is that you have no idea if these kids have any intolerances or medical issues (not your fault obviously!) and at their age its unlikely they would freely tell you. It's probably unlikely but you don't know them at all really. Good luck OP!

Oh God I hadn't even thought about the summer holidays!

There were kids like this where I grew up, always scrounging for food round my childminders house. They went into foster care in the end ☹️

Maybe I'm being soft, but h feel really sad reading about these kids! They seem lovely, and they seem hungry. 😔

I think PPs suggestions to sound out mum are good but I would be giving them something to eat too - I couldn't imagine sending away hungry children.

I used to have a pretty much open house approach to neighbours children and I’d feed them with mine if they were around at feeding times. However, most of the neighbours reciprocated as in if my pair were in others houses at feeding times, they were fed.
it really does depend on if the neighbour would feed your kids if they were at the neighbours at feeding times.

I had a neighbour I did have to report to social services because the child was so hungry, he would ask for food, he told me his mum said he had dinner at school, I managed to establish there was cereal but no milk (he couldn't have dairy and she wouldn't/couldn't buy soy milk). I did get a thanks from social services and they moved around 3 weeks later, just don't know where/why etc

Maybe try a less inspiring meal tomorrow and see if they’re still trying to eat it eg meat, potatoes, veg. Things like pizza are going to be attractive and they might just be trying their luck. Especially if they don’t have access to snacks etc at home. It is really rude to help themselves to
snacks, I wouldn’t really want them in the house

Nobody likes the idea of kids being hungry but it's not really the Op,responsibility to feed two extra kids multiple meals a day plus snacks
I know in my town even before the pandemic there has been place,s to pick up free packed lunches for kids on FSM during school holidays

I know @x2boys but in the moment, would you really turn away hungry kids?

Where I am there's no such thing as FSM or packed lunch options.

I honestly don't think they're fussy. They saw dp eating beetroot pasta one time and mackerel gratin and asked him for both of those!

id try and find out the school
they go and speak to them.