cfs or family in need?

[Sheruns]

More of a wwyd than an aibu but not sure where to post.

I've lived in a new estate for a while with dp and dc. We were one of the first families in but as the weeks have passed a few other families have moved in. There are two kids across the road and a few doors away similar age to my two and they've been playing out a lot together.

Not sure it makes any difference but their mum appears to be by herself with these two and two older dc. Haven't spoken to mum other than a brief hi.

With the weather being good the kids have been having lots of fun playing out and especially now it's half term but these two children are becoming a bit of an issue. At first I thought mum was a bit of a cf because the kids always seemed to be in my garden and running in and out of my house but my younger one struggles to make friends and they seem like nice kids so we accepted that. As time has gone on, we've become concerned with how much food her kids are asking for and taking without asking for.

At first it was the odd thing like they were calling round to play just as we finished dinner so our kids we're finishing up a yoghurt or piece of fruit and they requested one. One night I ordered takeaway pizza and their kids helped themselves. My dp caught one of them in our snack cupboard helping himself with chocolate. I've seen them both just take fruit from our fruit bowl. I was out yesterday late morning when my two requested eggs on toast for brunch and they asked for some too. So my partner said something like you better ask your mum in case she's started making your lunch thinking once they asked their mum she'd tell them to stop asking for food at ours. They came back and she'd said it was fine. Last night asked them to go home while mine had dinner. They were really difficult to get them to leave, asking if they could play in our garden while they waited. In no time at all they were circling our table like vultures, asking for a piece of cucumber or a chip and then devouring my youngests left overs the minute he stood up.

Tonight I've been to the gym after feeding the kids and one of them has asked dp for dinner!

We've tried to ask about meals at their own house and at one point the other week one told us that mum would feed them when it was dark.

Do you think they're trying it on and just greedy kids? Do you think mum is a Cf just happy to let me deal with them? Do you think mum is struggling?

I kinda want to say something to mum because I'd be horrified if my kids did this (although I will say they're very polite when they do ask), but I don't want to embarrass her if she is struggling. If she was struggling though I'd try to help perhaps.

So wwyd?

Maybe keep a box of cereal and when they are there at mealtimes, say "I don't want to spoil your dinner, but you can have a bowl of cereal and milk while you wait for my kids to finish." If they are truly hungry they will take the cereal; if not, you are not obligated to provide beef wellington and roasted sprouts.
Ask them what school they attend and call the school counselor or whatever the appropriate resource person is. Maybe there are programs available that they could access.

I wouldn't no but I can afford the odd,extra sandwich etc, but probably couldn't afford feeding two extra kids multiple meals a day plus snacks though
I think things need to be a bit more targeted though my youngest is disabled and goes to a special school we have been getting extra bags of food since the COL,crisis from his school purely because he's disabled tis is great but we don't really need it ,but there must be many other families that do regardless of whether they have a disabled child or not .

The odd sandwich/packet of crisps is easily doable but having other people's' children relying on you is negligence on the parents' part.

Please don't mask or enable this.

When DS and DD were 7 and 9 they made good friends with another 9yr old who lived in the next street but all of the houses backed onto a shared lane. To begin with they would play in the lane, build dens etc or in our garden. We regularly found all three come on when u shouted lunch etc and we would, like you, say best check with mum etc. Mum was always happy for him to ‘eat with friends’ and if our DC popped in for a snack or ice lolly they would always say we are playing with X, can I take one for him too.

One day we said it’s time to go home, we are about to have dinner. He reappeared 5min later to say mum and dad are out at the shops and my brother (older teen) said I’m having dinner at your house. Long story short they parents finally got home from the pub after 11pm pissed! I had put their child to sleep and told them they could get him in the morning or deal with social services to which they slurred ‘it’s just a few hours babysitting’.
I contacted the school who said social services were already involved. The couple moved away a few months later and and it finally came out they had done similar over a number of years with all their children and were know for being shit parents and social services were content he had a clean bed and food in the cupboards.

This is what concerns me too. I worry that the neglect will be masked -hopefully the OP can find out a bit more by speaking with the mum.

I personally wouldn't feed other people's kids without checking with parents first, you need to approach the mum

so either:
they’re hungry as they’re not getting enough at home

theyre hungry because they are the type of kids who
love their food and are wanting it because it’s there.

they don’t have boundaries and don’t realise this is quite rude to invite yourself to dinner

mum encourages them to be out with another family so she doesn’t have to bother

if they’re slim and want any food going I’d worry it’s the first tbh. Especially as the way they answered about what they’d eaten at home was odd. It might be the last but that’s a bit of a concern too. I’m the short term I might prop them up with some cheap but filling food but I think you probably need to raise it as a concern with their school

For fuck's sake, it's kind of common knowledge that many people are seriously struggling and some of you think the answer is to just tell hungry kids to bugger off because they're a slight inconvenience. Wow.

This

I’d feed the poor little kids when I fed mine, but I can afford to do so. Not everyone can afford to do this.

Sorry my original reply missed out the post I wanted to quote. I think this poster has put it really well.

Hell, I have supported adult colleagues when they needed cash and they repaid me the money when they could.
Remember we could all need a helping hand in the future….

Wtf,why do on think it's random families job to solve the COL crisis when they might also be struggling ???
Plus you know may be the mum is just a crap mum so can't be added to feed her kids 🙄

Who's responsibility is it to look out for children in need then, hmm? Are you suggesting we should turn a blind eye?

And for the love of god, don't bother banging on about children's services, as if they can help

Either they're rude and lack boundaries or there's a serious issue at home. Either way the problem needs to be addressed. I echo what others say about getting to know their mum better and seeing if you can ascertain her situation. If they are struggling then it's kind of you to help out by providing some meals but it's really only sticking plaster and the long term issues needs to be addressed which is why I'd suggest calling Social Services who can hopefully support her. If they're just being rude and greedy then some firm discipline and boundary setting is needed. You of course have every right to enforce boundaries in your home but their mother needs to be doing this at home and telling them they shouldn't be helping themselves to food and persistently asking for food in other people's homes.

No.im.suggesting that not everybody can afford to.feed two.extra kids three meals a day plus snacks I certainly can't I can well afford to.Ffeed my own kids but I can't afford to feed random kids ,if you can may be you should take your head out of your privileged arse,and look around 🙄

We've got a CF 9 yo boy near us.
At first I didn't mind feeding him but now he's making requests like he'd prefer the biscuits or lemonade he's had at ours before. My DH told him to go home once and he said he couldn't because his mum is out for the day.
These two don't sound too bad, probably a school holiday thing.

OK but OP has indicated it isn't causing her financial issues so...

If you don't know they're actually in need you're just as likely to be feeding them because they like to eat at yours and their own mother doesn't give a crap about how much they may be imposing.

I wouldn't automatically assume that she can't afford to feed her own children without more evidence, and even if that does prove to be the case, it's still not your responsibility to feed them all the time, but rather the mother needs to seek help. Your feeding them is not a long-term solution.

I’ve had friends before who had their kids on weird strict diets. Like one who decided they were all gluten and dairy intolerant (they weren’t) and made them all stop eating those. Then decided to go full vegan for awhile. At one stage she even told the school they were ‘allergic’ to sugar. It is never genuine - they last 6 months and then next thing she’s posting photos of them eating fish and chips at the beach. Her kids used to be constantly hungry and hanging round for food because their diet was so restricted, vegan food is expensive and they are growing kids so they want to eat a lot. At gatherings and stuff her kids are intensely motivated by food. Hanging round the platters eating everything they are allowed, fighting over the last slice of vegan cake, and yes finishing leftovers. I think when you restrict and withhold food kids start to act this way.

Can you give your address so other MNers can send you their grocery bill please?

You need to be firmer. They are CFs and their mum is just being lazy and letting it happen. Food at other peoples houses is always more exciting to kids. My DD has a friend who comes round a lot. She is a sweet girl but would eat everything if I let her. One of mine is the same. I have to remind her to be polite and not constantly nag for snacks when she goes to friends houses. Children need to be taught manners. Don’t let them walk all over you.

Fed up to 4 different families kids, but in return all fed mine. Truly free range kids in our close many years ago and it was good fun and never any real issues.

I think it's very unusual for kids to do this. I think you should say to them each time no, sorry, I don't have enough for everyone, you'll have to go home. Come back when you've had your dinner. Having said that if you say that and they go home and come back and don't seem to have eaten anything then this is obviously a bigger problem.