'I don't have time to read'

[aperolspritzbasicbitch]

Does anyone else get this?

Hobbies wise, apart from walks, I'm not massively active, so I'd say my main hobbies are reading, and listening to podcasts.

The amount of times friends have said they 'don't have time' for either of these things really baffles me - and actually makes me wonder why they seem to say it in a way that implies I have more hours in my day than they do.

We are all at similar points in our lives; working, children, partners, homes to run. They have the time, they just don't have the inclination.

AIBU for wanting to say 'put down the remote control and pick up a book' next time one of them comments?

I'd probably say I don't have time to read. But as others have said, what I mean is I don't prioritise reading in the spare hours that I do have. I spend my free time doing other things - I have a side-line business so I sew a lot when I'm not doing work stuff/house stuff/kid stuff. And I prefer to watch stuff late evening with DH to wind down than read. I'm not ashamed of prioritising other things over reading. I enjoy it. Its just nowhere near the top of my 'things to do' list.

In that case I’d just nod along or laugh it off. There is a social pressure aspect to it where reading is seen as morally superior. Even though you personally aren’t like that of course! But people feel a certain way and it can cause pressure to justify why you don’t read, as it’s seen as wrong to simply say ‘oh I don’t like reading books.’ And some people don’t.

Although I actually studied English literature at uni, and quite often the ‘ice breaker’ on the first day of classes is what book are you reading now/what’s your favourite book. It’s absolutely staggering how many people will openly say they can’t or don’t read. One girl even said ‘I don’t read story books’ - meaning novels/fiction. How they got through reading three books a week I don’t know! Then you have the other half of the class who will flay you alive for saying you, like me, just don’t like Jane Austen! But maybe that’s the thing. Readers (me included) sometimes can’t comprehend how others wouldn’t or don’t read. So it might feel easier, having had rude or snobby or condescending replies in the past, to just say you don’t have time.

But I think thats OP reading implicit judgment into something that’s not been said.

The friends haven’t said ‘oh, you must have loads of free time’. They’ve said they personally don’t have time to read. They are having a conversation with OP and reflecting their own experiences back to her - not making a judgment.

I don’t know if it’s due to lockdown or if it’s just a sign of the times but I do think people are constantly seeing offence in rather benign conversations which really isn’t there. Most people, when they take part in a conversation are talking about themselves when they making statements about their lives - there isn’t some hidden meaning they’re trying to make about the person they are speaking with.

On the surface their comments do not sound judgemental but yours do, that's why you're getting a hard time here.

I've said I never seem to have time to read before, this is mainly because I'm almost always with DC or DP and we tend to do things together, so it feels antisocial. Yes, I suppose that makes it more of an inclination rather than time thing. The point is, when I say that, there is zero judgment involve towards the people who do find the time. It's just a remark about my own life. What is making you jump to the conclusion that they are judging you, and rather defensively judge them back for choosing to watch tv?

They don't literally mean they don't have time to read. It's a matter of priorities. I tell people I don't have time for watching TV but it's really just that I choose to do other things. I could probably find time for it if I wanted to.

I don't have time to read, kids are at a fairly easy stage (no broken sleep or constant supervision required) but the picking up and dropping off at clubs, lunch/uniform prep for next day, dinner/homework/bath fills the evening. I don't watch tv most days.

So i would say "i am too busy to read" if pushed, (realistically i would say "no i havent read that one" and not elaborate). The technical truth would be "the 2 or 3 30 min slots i have free each week i prioritse tv" but that feels a bit ott.

If the friend is being defensive over not reading perhaps they worry you will judge them for not reading? Or for watching tv instead. Maybe they are comparing themselves to others unkindly.

I honestly don't know how I'm not making myself clear. I don't judge them for watching tv, and I have just said a little way up that I only made the comparison because comments are made in the same conversation as talking about a good film or series watched. I don't think everyone who doesn't read is watching tv, and I absolutely love a good series binge, so it would be beyond ridiculous for me to judge that.

I have never had anyone tell me that they 'don't know how I find the time/they could never find the time' to watch a film I mention, just books/podcasts, that's why I feel judgement from their comments

I agree it's a type of prioritisation. I envy people who have real time to read. By that I mean time that's uninterrupted by husband/children/something else, that isn't when I'm too tired to concentrate and that isn't shoehorned into 90 second segments.

My reading preference is to indulge in the book and only surface for brief cuppa/toilet breaks. That's how I enjoy reading, so when I say I don't have time to read, that's what I mean.

Literally everything else I can do in terms of entertainment like browsing the internet or watching something doesn't require the same level of concentration to be able to enjoy it. That means my husband/children/something else isn't interrupting, they're just a part of what I'm doing.

I already get up an hour earlier every day to exercise - something that I really need to prioritise for my own mental and physical wellbeing. Getting up an hour early for reading wouldn't achieve what I want which is book time bliss.

Some of your friends are probably similar. They don't have quality time when reading can be indulged rather than they're insinuating that their lives are busier than yours.

But it's not luck is it, it's (as you say) just a different stage of my life.
I've had my years of not being able to leave the home at all unless someone else was with my son (school, childcare, sitter) because I am a lone parent (no father).

My youngest son is old enough for me to leave home alone now.

The competitive busyness is when someone at a similar life stage to me (working, older children) tells me how lucky I am.
I do appreciate that I am fortunate to have a job that allows me this flexibility, that I live somewhere where I can easily leave the door, that I am happy to run in the dark, late at night, that I have a sport I enjoy.

When they say they dont have time, they are right. They mean it is lower on their priority list than other things so the time is simply bot there for it.

I'm not playing competitive busyness but I work, have children, do multiple crafts, run stalls at craft fairs, help the PTA, walk, have an allotment, go to the gym and socialise. I also run my children round to parties and take them on days out and their weekly lessons. I rarely watch tv, other than a background tv show when I'm crafting.

So when I say I dont have time to read, what I mean is that I cannot invest enough time on a regular basis to lose myself in a decent fiction book. I can and do read magazines, I dip into the internet, I read training materials for work. I just dont have time to add reading stories in to my schedule.

I get these comments too specifically about reading and from people who ive discussed many TV shows with, so I know they do have time technically

But most of them have youngish kids and i think its easier to pay attention to the TV whilst being interrupted by children and its also less solitary. Watching a TV show can be a group experience where as unless you are reading to your children it can feel like you are less present with them.

Well, you said yourself that you aren't very active and that reading and podcasts are your main hobbies. But your friends maybe are more active, or have other hobbies that they like doing - so those things might not leave them much time for reading. I don't think that implies any kind of judgement on how much time you've got, simply that they'd like to read a bit more but not at the expense of their other interests. Reading's just a hobby like any other. Reading a book for an hour's entertainment isn't any more valid or worthy than watching an hour of a TV drama. I'm a big reader myself, but I don't think it's a superior activity to anything else that people might want to do with their time.

I read a lot, but I'm someone who can read anywhere, and I don't mind reading while my partner's watching television in the same room, or in a noisy coffee shop during my lunch break at work or whatever. Not everyone enjoys (or is even able) to read amid distractions, or is happy to grab 15 minutes reading time here and there between other things. Some people need some peace and quiet, and an hour or two of time to get really stuck into a book enough to enjoy it and I think a lot of people who have a partner and/or kids and a job don't have much time alone, or the quiet space, for that.

To be clear, what I mean is that when I say "I dont have time to read", I mean exactly that I don't have time to read.

It's not about you.

I get you @aperolspritzbasicbitch. It's not that they don't have time - it's that they're doing other things they'd rather do, or they're practicing the aforementioned 'competitive business'.

It's like people that say they 'can't afford' whatever - when what they mean is, they've prioritised paying for something else. I don't care, why don't you just say that instead of making out you're broke?!

I remember when my kids were little and my colleagues being astounded that I always had nail polish on. I would prioritise doing my nails every couple of days because 1) I liked doing it, 2) it was time for me doing something I wanted to do. Just because I'm a mum doesn't mean I have to sacrifice every spare bit of time to housework and childcare. I like to read and I like to game, so I find time to do it. I don't find time to do stuff I don't want to do when there is other stuff I HAVE to do.

I think reading is a bit of a different type of activity than watching TV though. In the evening, you can watch it companionably together with another person or even the whole family and chat about the series. Book reading is solitary, so it depends on the partner or kids also being happy to engage in solitary pursuits in the evening. Time to read is by definition solitary time, which is often in shorter supply for mums than time with other people.

I have never had anyone tell me that they 'don't know how I find the time/they could never find the time' to watch a film I mention, just books/podcasts, that's why I feel judgement from their comments

But this does not make it judgmental. Reading books is just something that requires more time and singular focus than watching a film. Reading is also held up as intellectually superior so a lot of the time people feel like they have to justify why they don't do it.

I'm not trying to be obstinate, I'm just saying that unless you're missing out details about their facial expressions or tone, I think you're jumping to conclusions and these comments are not judgmental.

Op some people are taking this ridiculously personal.

"AIBU to think my friends pretending they're too busy to do X just because they prefer do so Y is annoying. Why can't they just say they prefer to do Y"

Lots of people pile on to say they've never had chance to do X so who is op to judge them, or maybe friends hate X so why does she think she's superior, or maybe they have secret caring needs they've never mentioned in all their years of friendship and she's just being a cow, or they've personally never wanted to do X and OP is wrong to come on here and judge them as idiots

Honestly it's like some people have a magic portal to twist any thread to a personal insult

Yes this is exactly why I rarely read!

I used to be a huge reader and still buy books and put them on my kindle. I keep a list of new ones I want to read. But I tend to be pretty lazy in that I use my phone more.

I hear this all the time and am always asked how I read so much. I read about 8-10 books a month. Currently on hook 45 of the year.

I have a demanding full time job and a 9 year old.

When I get into details with people who ask me about how I find the time there's some clear differences: they watch tv and I watch close to zero - perhaps one series a year - succession!

My husband will watch Netflix each night but I sit on the sofa and read.

Once my daughter is in bed I have two clear hours an evening to read. I can't imagine getting into bed without it. It helps my brain decompress.

I love to read but for me it takes more concentration and brain power than sticking on the TV and it requires my 100% undivided attention. I might watch TV whilst catching up on emails on my laptop or whilst cooking dinner or whatsapping a friend. You can’t really multitask whilst reading a book. Sometimes after work I’m too tired to sit down and read as I just don’t have the brain power for a book whereas I can put on a bit of trash TV because it doesn’t involve any thinking.

For me I also don’t want to start reading unless I have time to properly immerse myself in the book, I don’t want to just be picking up chapters here and there over the course of a week or longer, I want to be able to read uninterrupted for at least an hour and to start and finish a book within a couple of days. I find I very rarely read during the week when I’m working, although I will watch lots of TV. If I have a quiet weekend though I can easily race through 3 or 4 books.

I both do and don't have time to read at the same time. I don't read often because if I start a good book I can't put it down so it impacts other areas of my life (i.e. I stay up too late or neglect other things I should be doing). So while I may have an hour or so of an evening I could read rather than scroll on phone or watch TV I don't because that hour would turn into 5 and I would go to bed at a stupid time.

Fully get what you’re saying OP.

It’s not that adults should be reading for pleasure on some kind of judgemental level, it’s just that if someone has time to go to the gym or watch TV or bake for pleasure then they do have time for things they do for fun or to unwind. Most (but not all) of us have some time in the day or week to do something that isn’t just work or caring for family or cleaning. We all use that time differently.

Personally I do read for pleasure but I usually I re-read books I’ve already read. It takes a lot for a new book to be fully read and then make it into the re-reading cycle. It’s what I like to do and not really up for discussion.

Yabu. Reading needs concentration, energy and time. I don't have to think to exercise (and not having a heart attack is pretty vital self care).
My DD didn't sleep for 8 years so I read very little in those days. Nowadays I tend to read when I wake in the night at 3am and have peace and quiet. My teens still want me until 11pm and I'm shattered by then. Much easier to listen to the radio and go on my phone in the late evening.

I just want to add my twopence worth to the discussion.

I have been accused of being too black and white and too literal.

So to me the “I don’t have time to read” means I literally don’t have any time in the day to pick up a book, which in most cases would be untrue.

But I think to most people it means, of all the things I do everyday, reading isn’t a top priority for me, but if I did have more free time I would then read.

It’s an easy thing to say without too much thinking.

I’ve always been a bookworm, as I was growing up my mother would often say, oh I used to read a lot , but don’t have time. I’ve only realised as I’ve got older that we never discussed favourite books, she didn’t read books when she retired and we had very few books in my childhood home.

I think unlike many others she wanted to be part of the ‘Im a bookworm’ club.