Sister in law is causing a family rift over nothing

[Constantlyeyerolling]

So a year ago when my DD was newborn (8 days old) we were visiting my wife’s brother and sister in law.
During the conversation my wife was cradling our daughter when her 16month old nephew toddled over to look at the baby, cue said nephew then hammerfisting our daughter hard to the top of her head and attempting to do it again. My wife, understandably in my opinion, yelled very loudly “NO,NO” and moved her nephew back away from the baby with her free hand. Nephew did not stumble or fall or was he hurt in any way but he began to cry at being told off and ran to his dad ( wife’s brother). I had not seen what had happened and her reaction made me jump, I was also quite shocked at how she yelled at nephew as she adores her nephew and I have never heard her shout at him before. I asked what the hell all the shouting was about and said there was no need to yelp out so loudly, she then angrily snapped at me stating nephew had just hit DD hard on her soft spot. I then understood why she had reacted the way she had out of panic and shock rather than any actual desire to upset nephew. She felt bad about yelling afterwards and apologised to her brother and explained why she reacted the way she did the following day.
SIL had been upstairs ant the time and came running down into the room to see what had happened. BIL explained and was telling Nephew off. Wife was consoling crying daughter and placing her in her stroller. SIL was not pleased at all by the look on her face although she did not say anything at the time but the atmosphere soured and we took it as our cue to say our goodbyes and leave.

SIL has never mentioned this incident to either of us again, mainly because since that day she has refused to even speak to us. We have heard via BIL that after we left SIL exploded stating we were not welcome in her house ever again and were to have no contact with nephew. BIL was upset by this and tried to explain why my wife over reacted and smooth things over however it has now been a year and she still refuses to budge, see sense or accept apologies.

my wife and her brother have tried to maintain there relationship for the sake of MIL and the children and eventually nephew does spend time with us, usually when SIL and BIL are stuck for babysitters and it suits them!! He stays over, comes out for play dates etc. Nephew is still very much a “hitter”, does not share or play well with others, my SIL has been called into kindergarten on numerous occasions due to kicking other children in the face, pinching and scratching. He also behaves like this towards our daughter when in our care but we are too scared scared to even tell him off for fear contact will be stopped altogether again as we love him and know he’s just learning and will grow out of it.

our issue is SIL still refuses to speak or have anything to do with my wife, she will collect Nephew from our house without speaking, if there is a family event she will refuse to attend and as BIL does not have his licence he will have to take a cab or can’t come if we try to arrange anything with just him. Family events and visits to in laws have to be structured to accommodate the rift.

prior to this we were very close, we would eat out together at least once a week, stop by each others houses regularly, days out and vacations would be taken together and thanksgiving / Christmas etc would be spent together. Their friends were ours and visa Versa, we were a very close unit. My wife and her SIL were never “best friends” but as we were so close to her brother ( he and I were friends prior to meeting my wife) and our eldest son worshiped the ground SIL walked on and she treated him like her own child we were always very grateful to have a lovely SIL.

wife and I expected this to eventually blow over when SIL eventually calmed down. There has never been a crossed word about it between SIL and my wife nor has it been discussed at all. we assumed she’d angrily shouted at BIL about it but was not angry enough to raise it with us therefore we left it between them to sort out as we are his family and they would come to a resolution.

we have tried to smooth things over with minimal fuss, offered lifts, tried to arrange 4th July and invited them both, mentioned casually that we were going out if they wanted to come along to show we’re not treating her behaviour as a big deal and want to just move on but we have been snubbed over and over again, she refuses to engage with us at all.

it’s now over a year and as our social lives are so intertwined it is now becoming beyond awkward and inconvenient to the point my wife and I are hurt and angry that she is causing this rift in the family and forcing friends to choose who to invite out. We’re also becoming increasingly angry at BIL for allowing her to behave this way and cause all this hurt and upset, that will effect our wider family and children. He just protests he’s stuck in the middle and can’t make her change her mind and that she thinks we should count ourselves lucky she now even “allows” us to see or babysit our nephew!!

we were all invited to a family cook out this weekend. BIL had called ahead to see if we were going, we said we were undecided. He then said he needed to know as SIL wanted to go but would only do so if we were not, he then actively encouraged us not to go as he really wanted to go with his SIL. Well wife began to curse and shout calling SIL stubborn and ridiculous pointing out that if she was such a terrible person why was she asked to care for nephew when it suited them when what she had done was so terrible to receive such punishment of being cut off. This ended in the phone being hung up. We did not go, they did and had a lovely time according to Social media.

we’re at the point now where we can’t deal with this anymore and feel like cutting them out completely, washing our hands of them rather than keep trying to make allowances for SIL ridiculous behaviour hoping it will blow over. We’re angry at BIL for being so pathetic and her for being a stubborn heartless b*h for allowing this to ruin our close family. We have sent very “controlled” texts explaining our position, tgat we love Nephew and Wife shouted at him in the heat of the moment and lives him dearly and basically pleading for things to go back to how they were which have not been responded to.

AIBU, what should we do! My wife is devastated it’s come to this but SIL is digging her heals in and we don’t know why! The constant rejection from reaching out hurts and is now causing us to feel anger and resentment which we’re unlikely to be able to come back from if it doesn’t change soon. We think we shut cut ties and wait for them to come to us….but what if they don’t?!

Unless SIL chills and agrees to let up nothing will change. The ball is firmly in her court.

You either have to make it clear to the rest of the family that you cannot carry on like this, and reduce contact or you put up with it. You also need to make it clear that you would be more than happy to go back to former good relations.

We had a similar situation with MIL, and eventually she did back off.

You, DW and BIL need to try and engineer a solution to allow SIL to back down without losing face. She sounds very intransigent.

Don't be such a wet lettuce. Stop babysitting. You have to set an example to your child that you shouldn't be walked over.

You go to whatever social events you want, whenever you want. Sod them.

You should definitely not babysit the child again - they are fucking things up for you, yet you are still helping them out.

You really can't blame a woman for shrieking out in a panic when her week-old baby is hit on the head. Ideally she would have pushed the child away more gently but it doesn't sound as though she treated him roughly - it was just the sudden shouting which gave him a shock, and fair enough really, his actions certainly gave her a shock! This is the time for someone to do what BIL did do, i.e. tell his child that it was not acceptable, while everyone calms down.

I think I'd have shrieked and pushed my own child in those circumstances, particularly if it was my baby as well. I'd have apologised afterwards for shouting, but also explained firmly that hitting babies is simply Something That Is Not Done - with possible sanctions if he ever did. (When DC1 snipped baby DC2's ear with the nail scissors it wasn't an emergency situation so we were able to discuss it quietly and kindly and he did take it on board.) It is really doing a young child no favours at all to fail to set behavioural boundaries, as OP's nephew's experience at nursery proves.

Step away. You've made your point and your wife should apologise no more. You need to stop babysitting for them since they get the best bits but control the relationship and make your wife feel bad.

Go the family things and if they don't so what. Their problem. SIL sounds batty and controlling. Stop letting her. No more looking after her kid on her terms.

Yep @Constantlyeyerolling this one sums it up. The SIL does appear to walk all over everyone and is allowed to. You have a wife, stand together.

Agree with most on here. SIL sounds like the batshit relative from hell but you’re being a doormat and she’s wiping her feet all over you.

Say no to babysitting Damien, go to any gatherings you want to without justifying or explaining and get on with your family life.
If SIL doesn’t like it well - quite frankly - tough shit

Good grief you can't be real. The only sane person in this mess is your wife . Why would you have a go at your wife in the beginning for saying No loudly?

kicking other children in the face, pinching and scratching. He also behaves like this towards our daughter when in our care but we are too scared scared to even tell him off for fear contact will be stopped altogether again
Protect your fucking child .

Sometimes it doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. Both women could have acted better, both men could have acted better. It does neither side any good to blame a 16 month old child and the language used here to describe both the child and the SIL is awful.

Putting aside all of the history, OP, the bigger picture is that your wider family life is disupted by this rift. You can either focus on the past or you can concentrate on how to fix this. Would it really harm you or your wife to make a conscious effort to reach out, not to ask SIL to 'see sense' but to tell her that you're sorry for allowing this to go on, that you miss her in your lives and that you want a relationship with her and her children ?

It's not about winning or being right, it's about remembering that you had good times with this woman, you thought she was lovely, she adored your son. She still is and will remain part of your family. Give up on expecting an apology and be gracious. If she's still not interested, then you know that you tried in good faith to fix things. An honest, heartfelt discussion between you all will stand you in better stead than any other approach.

Good grief you can't be real. The only sane person in this mess is your wife

Yup!

I would probably have knocked the toddler to the ground tbh as I would have just shoved him away without thinking.

She was preventing her 8 day old baby from being hurt even more!

Your wife reacted normally shouting out and trying to stop it.
stop babysitting if she won’t speak to you.
Of course you go to the family cookout, if she wants to go she can. Either ignoring you or talking to you like an adult. Don’t you dare not go!

People like SIL get away with it because people bend to them and act as though they have a valid point of view.

She doesn’t. Your wife did nothing wrong.

Cut contact with them. Go to whatever events you want to. Stop babysitting nephew.

When anyone asks say “yes she won’t speak to us because my wife stopped nephew hitting our baby. I know it’s sad but we’ve tried everything. Yes, happy to let bygones by bygones etc”

Fucking hell! You’re still allowing the little thug to harm you’re baby. I can’t believe you’re that desperate to get twisted sil back into your life.
She doesn’t even say thank you when she collects him.
There’s no way on this earth I’d be looking after the little shit. The first time he hit my baby at my house would be the last time he ever came there again. That’s just me though I’d defend my DD until I had no life in me.
Neither would I be staying away from family gatherings because sil would not go if I was there. Totally her choice not to go but I’m wondering how long she would keep it up for once you stuck to your guns.
In answer to your question yes go absolutely no contact with them. You’ve done all you can to mend the situation and there’s nothing else you can do now. Just go about your lives and don’t bother about them. The ball is in their court it’s up to them.

Your baby not you’re baby sorry.

if your SIL has a grudge then SHE should miss out. go to every single family event, then she can enjoy her grudge at home alone with her thoughts.

stop accommodating a miserable bully

Sounds like nephew has form for hurting children. Your wife was right to tell him off, otherwise he would keep doing it. You shouldn't have said wife was over reacting. I'd stop apologising and just cut them out. She doesn't want to believe that her son is aggressive, and hates anyone telling him off. If she hadn't fallen out with you back then, she would have done at some point. It's not worth repairing that relationship.

As just about everyone else commenting has said already, they need to sort out alternative childcare, which will likely mean having to pay for it. Can't treat people like shit and still expect favours

I'd be pissed off if anyone yelled at a 16month old - they're still a baby themselves & a gentle reprimand & kind explanation of why would be suffice. I get that your DW was shocked etc but she's the adult & think she should start the ball rolling & acknowledge her overreaction and apologise to your SIL.

Good grief!

I think I'd make one final plea/statement, whether written or in person depends on the people and personalities involved. Lay all the cards on the table. Try to be even-handed, but honestly explain how much this has hurt your family over the past year. Make it clear that you remain open to letting bygones be bygones, but from this point forward, you're going to behave as though nothing had happened and get on with your lives.

And then do it. Stop worrying what idiot SIL does. If BIL misses out, that's on him. If you don't see Nephew, oh well. Sad, but definitely don't alter your plans based on BIL and SIL's requests or wishes, unless they decide to grow up.

I'd definitely be tempted to stop babysitting for them, too. Again, it's sad if you can't see Nephew, but their hypocrisy is disgusting, and I'd refuse to allow that to continue. Either you're good enough to be in the family, or you're not.

I wouldn't have the patience to stay in endless purgatory at SIL's pleasure, and BIL needs to understand that.

BIL needs to manager his wife better.

Stop apologising.
Stop babysitting.
Stop not going to events.
Stop allowing these batshit people to walk all over you.

This is insane. Let them exclude themselves if they are so hung up on the awful behaviour of their own child.

It sounds to me like BIL and SIL need to have another baby themselves and see how they'd react if their darling PFB hit their newborn on the head!

I agree with everyone else. Stop babysitting - SIL is an idiot but is happy to use you when it suits her. She either has to be civil, or she doesn't get babysitters.

Don't change your behaviour in any way - you haven't acted unreasonably.

If they won't attend family or friend gatherings because her son hit your newborn daughter, that should be her punishment to take, not yours.

If it's awkward, so be it. It's awkward for them, not her.

As long as your family and friends know the truth of the situation, there won't be any awkwardness with you.

Have a token phrase ready "Yeah, it's weird. DN was going through a hitting phase and hit newborn DD right on her soft spot on her scalp. I admit I shouted at him in panic and took him away from DD, but for some reason SIL has taken massive offense to me telling him off and hasn't spoken to me for a year."

What? Have you actually read the OP? How much should she apologise? If my child had hit a newborn on the head, I'd be utterly horrified and he would have faced consequences. Because that is what decent parents do. They do not behave like this woman has. OP's wife has bent over backwards for nothing. No more apologising to this batshit woman let alone babysitting her kid. Cheeky fuckers!

Eh, are you an 8yr old or a fully grown adult?

Why are you still doing her favours when she’s acting like a bitch towards you?

I can’t believe that neither of you has told your SIL to stop being so childish and bearing a grudge for so long. Honestly, stop letting her walk all over you.

Do you want your daughter to grow up a people pleaser like you and afraid to assert herself? Put a stop to this ridiculous situation now!

She’s nuts but I think you’re being pushovers. I’d send a message like this.

Hi BIL. The discussion regarding the cookout has made us realise this rift has gone on long enough and our actions thus far have been on the assumption that this would blow over in time, however this is not the case also have come to these conclusions.

We will be attending the cook out, if you and wife want to join this is find by us. As your wife is the one with the issue, it’s up to her if she doesn’t want to be in our company or not, but we don’t have an issue being around her, and please take this as an assumption we will at all future family events we are invited to, as we value spending time with our family.

Furthermore, we won’t be able to provide childcare for nephew going forward. While we would love to have the cousins spend time together and while we love him very much, he still continues to be a hitter, a fact I suspect you know, and we don’t feel we are able to reprimand him accordingly when he does so, so it now a safety issue for our child. It is also offensive to us that you will readily use us for childcare if your parents wife is not willing to see us.

On to the issue itself, we apologised for shouting at nephew, but wife responded as any new mother would have done given our newborn was hit on her soft spot. We were actually surprised you didn’t make this clear to nephew this wasn’t acceptable. If it has been the other way around and our child had hit yours, we would have told the child off, made sure it wouldn’t happen again, and we would have apologised to you. We are surprised you didn’t offer an apology to us at the time. We trust you know we wouldn’t shout at nephew without reason, as you have proved by leaving him in our care when it suits you.

We hope this can be resolved soon, it seems silly and sad for your wife to miss out on family events because she cannot get past wife’s reaction to your child hitting our newborn, and to reiterate, we would have no problem and would be peasant at family gatherings. All the best, see you at the cookout.