Sister in law is causing a family rift over nothing

[Constantlyeyerolling]

So a year ago when my DD was newborn (8 days old) we were visiting my wife’s brother and sister in law.
During the conversation my wife was cradling our daughter when her 16month old nephew toddled over to look at the baby, cue said nephew then hammerfisting our daughter hard to the top of her head and attempting to do it again. My wife, understandably in my opinion, yelled very loudly “NO,NO” and moved her nephew back away from the baby with her free hand. Nephew did not stumble or fall or was he hurt in any way but he began to cry at being told off and ran to his dad ( wife’s brother). I had not seen what had happened and her reaction made me jump, I was also quite shocked at how she yelled at nephew as she adores her nephew and I have never heard her shout at him before. I asked what the hell all the shouting was about and said there was no need to yelp out so loudly, she then angrily snapped at me stating nephew had just hit DD hard on her soft spot. I then understood why she had reacted the way she had out of panic and shock rather than any actual desire to upset nephew. She felt bad about yelling afterwards and apologised to her brother and explained why she reacted the way she did the following day.
SIL had been upstairs ant the time and came running down into the room to see what had happened. BIL explained and was telling Nephew off. Wife was consoling crying daughter and placing her in her stroller. SIL was not pleased at all by the look on her face although she did not say anything at the time but the atmosphere soured and we took it as our cue to say our goodbyes and leave.

SIL has never mentioned this incident to either of us again, mainly because since that day she has refused to even speak to us. We have heard via BIL that after we left SIL exploded stating we were not welcome in her house ever again and were to have no contact with nephew. BIL was upset by this and tried to explain why my wife over reacted and smooth things over however it has now been a year and she still refuses to budge, see sense or accept apologies.

my wife and her brother have tried to maintain there relationship for the sake of MIL and the children and eventually nephew does spend time with us, usually when SIL and BIL are stuck for babysitters and it suits them!! He stays over, comes out for play dates etc. Nephew is still very much a “hitter”, does not share or play well with others, my SIL has been called into kindergarten on numerous occasions due to kicking other children in the face, pinching and scratching. He also behaves like this towards our daughter when in our care but we are too scared scared to even tell him off for fear contact will be stopped altogether again as we love him and know he’s just learning and will grow out of it.

our issue is SIL still refuses to speak or have anything to do with my wife, she will collect Nephew from our house without speaking, if there is a family event she will refuse to attend and as BIL does not have his licence he will have to take a cab or can’t come if we try to arrange anything with just him. Family events and visits to in laws have to be structured to accommodate the rift.

prior to this we were very close, we would eat out together at least once a week, stop by each others houses regularly, days out and vacations would be taken together and thanksgiving / Christmas etc would be spent together. Their friends were ours and visa Versa, we were a very close unit. My wife and her SIL were never “best friends” but as we were so close to her brother ( he and I were friends prior to meeting my wife) and our eldest son worshiped the ground SIL walked on and she treated him like her own child we were always very grateful to have a lovely SIL.

wife and I expected this to eventually blow over when SIL eventually calmed down. There has never been a crossed word about it between SIL and my wife nor has it been discussed at all. we assumed she’d angrily shouted at BIL about it but was not angry enough to raise it with us therefore we left it between them to sort out as we are his family and they would come to a resolution.

we have tried to smooth things over with minimal fuss, offered lifts, tried to arrange 4th July and invited them both, mentioned casually that we were going out if they wanted to come along to show we’re not treating her behaviour as a big deal and want to just move on but we have been snubbed over and over again, she refuses to engage with us at all.

it’s now over a year and as our social lives are so intertwined it is now becoming beyond awkward and inconvenient to the point my wife and I are hurt and angry that she is causing this rift in the family and forcing friends to choose who to invite out. We’re also becoming increasingly angry at BIL for allowing her to behave this way and cause all this hurt and upset, that will effect our wider family and children. He just protests he’s stuck in the middle and can’t make her change her mind and that she thinks we should count ourselves lucky she now even “allows” us to see or babysit our nephew!!

we were all invited to a family cook out this weekend. BIL had called ahead to see if we were going, we said we were undecided. He then said he needed to know as SIL wanted to go but would only do so if we were not, he then actively encouraged us not to go as he really wanted to go with his SIL. Well wife began to curse and shout calling SIL stubborn and ridiculous pointing out that if she was such a terrible person why was she asked to care for nephew when it suited them when what she had done was so terrible to receive such punishment of being cut off. This ended in the phone being hung up. We did not go, they did and had a lovely time according to Social media.

we’re at the point now where we can’t deal with this anymore and feel like cutting them out completely, washing our hands of them rather than keep trying to make allowances for SIL ridiculous behaviour hoping it will blow over. We’re angry at BIL for being so pathetic and her for being a stubborn heartless b*h for allowing this to ruin our close family. We have sent very “controlled” texts explaining our position, tgat we love Nephew and Wife shouted at him in the heat of the moment and lives him dearly and basically pleading for things to go back to how they were which have not been responded to.

AIBU, what should we do! My wife is devastated it’s come to this but SIL is digging her heals in and we don’t know why! The constant rejection from reaching out hurts and is now causing us to feel anger and resentment which we’re unlikely to be able to come back from if it doesn’t change soon. We think we shut cut ties and wait for them to come to us….but what if they don’t?!

Stop babysitting and giving them lifts and not going to parties so they can go. For heavens sake, you sound desperate for their approval. Accept that your SIL is batshit and your BIL is an enabler and cut them out of your thoughts and anxieties. Go to everything you want to go to - see your friends and family whenever you want, stop apologising and making excuses and defending yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong. They should have been managing their son to prevent him hitting your daughter and they’re projecting their anxieties about his health onto you. By making you the one in the wrong they can gloss over and excuse his poor behaviour.

No wonder the nephew is violent if mum win't do anything about it. Stop sitting for nephew and go to everything.

The woman's an arsehole who enjoys conflict. No idea what you do about that.

For goodness sake, start looking after your family and stop apologizing. Toddlers are hamfisted and clumsy and that's why they need supervising to keep them and others safe. Of course your wife shouldn't have shouted at nephew, it wasn't her place but nobody else was protecting the new baby.

Your child will have a number of negative experiences with her cousin, but if your nephew can not be reprimanded by his parents that puts your daughter in a situation where she always has to accommodate and accept the behaviour of others. This is not something she needs to learn, she needs to accept that boundaries exist to protect herself.

I would stop apologizing, stop babysitting and accept family invitations. If they don't want to see you, let your sil and bil stay at home, it's their choice.

Do not step back to allow her to attend family events. If she's going to nurture a grudge she can sit it out.

Stop enabling this bullshit. No more putting your child in harm's way to pacify people who have nothing but contempt for you and your family. Stop grovelling and go wherever you want. Cut the toxic people out and treat your family better.

And finally, apologise to your wife for making the whole situation worse

Firstly your sil is nuts you should be apologising she should your wife acted reasonably in the circumstances. Don't let her dictate your social life go to everything if she dosnt go so be it it's her tough luck .

This

And this

Yeah. This.

Weird on so many levels

Why in God’s name are you going along with all this?
Stop apologising - your wife did nothing wrong. The child sounds a nightmare and that behaviour is int going to change unless the parents start dealing with it. Cut them out, stop pandering to them and stop driving and babysitting for them, go to events without giving them any thought.

I think you have been tip toying around the issue for too long frankly - you have handed her the control. She sounds bonkers

Next time you get called re " are you going to x party" I would just say undecided and go (if you want to)

Frankly the fact this kid is a "hitter" isn't surprising. Mum clearly thinks the kid can do no wrong and dads scared of standing up to mum.

And for god sake stop babysitting for them and telling them about your plans. If she wants to go NC let her (it will be awkward for her)

Your nephew may have additional needs and this needs seeing to.

You need to stop babysitting and the contact, not everyone needs to hang around with the nephew. If they want,t hey can get a baysitter and appreciate paying for it. You are doormats for providing free childcare for the child and have the SIL pick them up without a word.

My guess is that SIL has seen this as a perfect opportunity to pull back on the close relationship you had. It sounds like BIL, your DW and you are a closer trio but she rubbed along with you all.

If she was worried about DN being around your wife then obviously she wouldn't let you babysit. If she didn't like your extended family then she wouldn't go to the events they host. She does though. She just doesn't want to meet with you weekly anymore.

Probably something underlying this - Did SIL really want a baby girl, but got a boy, Does she want a second child but is struggling to get pregnant, is there some other reason SIL is jealous of your DW?
She was probably already very sensitive about her DSon's behaviour before the shout happened.
Best not to engage in discussions with DBIL about who goes to what event. Just go along when you want to

Your only option is some form of mediation.

My advice is to stop apologising, stop looking after your nephew and go to every family event you want. Your SIL is ridiculous bit you are acting like you are at fault, you are not.

This! End of thread, really!

Stop childcare. Go no or very low contact with BIL. Tune them out. They could clearly start a fight in a phone box. Oh, and go where you want to. If they want to persist with their position then it’s up to them to stay away.

Next time BIL asks if you will be at a family event just say ‘you aren’t sure’ and refuse to the pushed into an answer for SIL’s benefit. Just go where you want to go. If she chooses the leave then that’s her decision. Make sure people are aware of what is behind all this - she will look quite mad. And stop the babysitting.

Hi OP.
Your wife did not over react. She did the right thing. Your BIL did the right thing telling his son off for hitting. So, no need to apologise for any of this.

Now, the issue with the sister in law. She has an issue. She sounds like a bully, to be honest. She should be on top of her son's behaviour. She should have sat him and explained to him not to do so.
You have tried enough with her. I would stop trying. I would not, under no circumstances allow them to push me off any family or friend's event, no way. You go. They can do whatever pleases them.
And no way I would not tell my nephew that hitting is wrong, whether the parents like it or not.
You need to focus on your family and on your ties to the extended family. Let the BIL abd SIL sort their issues. But he is no one to tell you to go or not go anywhere!

Make it clear that this nonsense has to stop. Tell them that if SIL can't bring herself to be civil, then child care favours stop There is no need to apologise any further. Also make it clear that you won't be avoiding social events just because SIL doesn't want to be in the same place as you, so if she chooses to exclude herself that is her business.

We’re also becoming increasingly angry at BIL for allowing her to behave this way

you lost me here. Allowing. Seriously? Do you come from a culture where it’s acceptable that men control women and tell them how to behave?

DON'T babysit Slappy Slapperson.
DO go to every family event. In fact, organise a few of your own!

If my child had ever bashed a baby - let alone a new baby - I'd be apologising till my lips bled. Your nephew sounds like a little thug. He kicks other children in the face, pinches and scratches at kindergarten. He also behaves like this towards your daughter when in your care but you are too scared scared to even tell him off for fear contact will be stopped altogether again as you love him and thinks he’s just learning and will grow out of it. Grow up - he is unpleasant and likely to be more so given your SIL's pandering to his violent behaviour and your brother's general wetness. I'd have nothing more to do with the pair of them and their thoroughly unpleasant child.