So a year ago when my DD was newborn (8 days old) we were visiting my wife’s brother and sister in law.
During the conversation my wife was cradling our daughter when her 16month old nephew toddled over to look at the baby, cue said nephew then hammerfisting our daughter hard to the top of her head and attempting to do it again. My wife, understandably in my opinion, yelled very loudly “NO,NO” and moved her nephew back away from the baby with her free hand. Nephew did not stumble or fall or was he hurt in any way but he began to cry at being told off and ran to his dad ( wife’s brother). I had not seen what had happened and her reaction made me jump, I was also quite shocked at how she yelled at nephew as she adores her nephew and I have never heard her shout at him before. I asked what the hell all the shouting was about and said there was no need to yelp out so loudly, she then angrily snapped at me stating nephew had just hit DD hard on her soft spot. I then understood why she had reacted the way she had out of panic and shock rather than any actual desire to upset nephew. She felt bad about yelling afterwards and apologised to her brother and explained why she reacted the way she did the following day.
SIL had been upstairs ant the time and came running down into the room to see what had happened. BIL explained and was telling Nephew off. Wife was consoling crying daughter and placing her in her stroller. SIL was not pleased at all by the look on her face although she did not say anything at the time but the atmosphere soured and we took it as our cue to say our goodbyes and leave.
SIL has never mentioned this incident to either of us again, mainly because since that day she has refused to even speak to us. We have heard via BIL that after we left SIL exploded stating we were not welcome in her house ever again and were to have no contact with nephew. BIL was upset by this and tried to explain why my wife over reacted and smooth things over however it has now been a year and she still refuses to budge, see sense or accept apologies.
my wife and her brother have tried to maintain there relationship for the sake of MIL and the children and eventually nephew does spend time with us, usually when SIL and BIL are stuck for babysitters and it suits them!! He stays over, comes out for play dates etc. Nephew is still very much a “hitter”, does not share or play well with others, my SIL has been called into kindergarten on numerous occasions due to kicking other children in the face, pinching and scratching. He also behaves like this towards our daughter when in our care but we are too scared scared to even tell him off for fear contact will be stopped altogether again as we love him and know he’s just learning and will grow out of it.
our issue is SIL still refuses to speak or have anything to do with my wife, she will collect Nephew from our house without speaking, if there is a family event she will refuse to attend and as BIL does not have his licence he will have to take a cab or can’t come if we try to arrange anything with just him. Family events and visits to in laws have to be structured to accommodate the rift.
prior to this we were very close, we would eat out together at least once a week, stop by each others houses regularly, days out and vacations would be taken together and thanksgiving / Christmas etc would be spent together. Their friends were ours and visa Versa, we were a very close unit. My wife and her SIL were never “best friends” but as we were so close to her brother ( he and I were friends prior to meeting my wife) and our eldest son worshiped the ground SIL walked on and she treated him like her own child we were always very grateful to have a lovely SIL.
wife and I expected this to eventually blow over when SIL eventually calmed down. There has never been a crossed word about it between SIL and my wife nor has it been discussed at all. we assumed she’d angrily shouted at BIL about it but was not angry enough to raise it with us therefore we left it between them to sort out as we are his family and they would come to a resolution.
we have tried to smooth things over with minimal fuss, offered lifts, tried to arrange 4th July and invited them both, mentioned casually that we were going out if they wanted to come along to show we’re not treating her behaviour as a big deal and want to just move on but we have been snubbed over and over again, she refuses to engage with us at all.
it’s now over a year and as our social lives are so intertwined it is now becoming beyond awkward and inconvenient to the point my wife and I are hurt and angry that she is causing this rift in the family and forcing friends to choose who to invite out. We’re also becoming increasingly angry at BIL for allowing her to behave this way and cause all this hurt and upset, that will effect our wider family and children. He just protests he’s stuck in the middle and can’t make her change her mind and that she thinks we should count ourselves lucky she now even “allows” us to see or babysit our nephew!!
we were all invited to a family cook out this weekend. BIL had called ahead to see if we were going, we said we were undecided. He then said he needed to know as SIL wanted to go but would only do so if we were not, he then actively encouraged us not to go as he really wanted to go with his SIL. Well wife began to curse and shout calling SIL stubborn and ridiculous pointing out that if she was such a terrible person why was she asked to care for nephew when it suited them when what she had done was so terrible to receive such punishment of being cut off. This ended in the phone being hung up. We did not go, they did and had a lovely time according to Social media.
we’re at the point now where we can’t deal with this anymore and feel like cutting them out completely, washing our hands of them rather than keep trying to make allowances for SIL ridiculous behaviour hoping it will blow over. We’re angry at BIL for being so pathetic and her for being a stubborn heartless b*h for allowing this to ruin our close family. We have sent very “controlled” texts explaining our position, tgat we love Nephew and Wife shouted at him in the heat of the moment and lives him dearly and basically pleading for things to go back to how they were which have not been responded to.
AIBU, what should we do! My wife is devastated it’s come to this but SIL is digging her heals in and we don’t know why! The constant rejection from reaching out hurts and is now causing us to feel anger and resentment which we’re unlikely to be able to come back from if it doesn’t change soon. We think we shut cut ties and wait for them to come to us….but what if they don’t?!