Sister in law is causing a family rift over nothing

[Constantlyeyerolling]

So a year ago when my DD was newborn (8 days old) we were visiting my wife’s brother and sister in law.
During the conversation my wife was cradling our daughter when her 16month old nephew toddled over to look at the baby, cue said nephew then hammerfisting our daughter hard to the top of her head and attempting to do it again. My wife, understandably in my opinion, yelled very loudly “NO,NO” and moved her nephew back away from the baby with her free hand. Nephew did not stumble or fall or was he hurt in any way but he began to cry at being told off and ran to his dad ( wife’s brother). I had not seen what had happened and her reaction made me jump, I was also quite shocked at how she yelled at nephew as she adores her nephew and I have never heard her shout at him before. I asked what the hell all the shouting was about and said there was no need to yelp out so loudly, she then angrily snapped at me stating nephew had just hit DD hard on her soft spot. I then understood why she had reacted the way she had out of panic and shock rather than any actual desire to upset nephew. She felt bad about yelling afterwards and apologised to her brother and explained why she reacted the way she did the following day.
SIL had been upstairs ant the time and came running down into the room to see what had happened. BIL explained and was telling Nephew off. Wife was consoling crying daughter and placing her in her stroller. SIL was not pleased at all by the look on her face although she did not say anything at the time but the atmosphere soured and we took it as our cue to say our goodbyes and leave.

SIL has never mentioned this incident to either of us again, mainly because since that day she has refused to even speak to us. We have heard via BIL that after we left SIL exploded stating we were not welcome in her house ever again and were to have no contact with nephew. BIL was upset by this and tried to explain why my wife over reacted and smooth things over however it has now been a year and she still refuses to budge, see sense or accept apologies.

my wife and her brother have tried to maintain there relationship for the sake of MIL and the children and eventually nephew does spend time with us, usually when SIL and BIL are stuck for babysitters and it suits them!! He stays over, comes out for play dates etc. Nephew is still very much a “hitter”, does not share or play well with others, my SIL has been called into kindergarten on numerous occasions due to kicking other children in the face, pinching and scratching. He also behaves like this towards our daughter when in our care but we are too scared scared to even tell him off for fear contact will be stopped altogether again as we love him and know he’s just learning and will grow out of it.

our issue is SIL still refuses to speak or have anything to do with my wife, she will collect Nephew from our house without speaking, if there is a family event she will refuse to attend and as BIL does not have his licence he will have to take a cab or can’t come if we try to arrange anything with just him. Family events and visits to in laws have to be structured to accommodate the rift.

prior to this we were very close, we would eat out together at least once a week, stop by each others houses regularly, days out and vacations would be taken together and thanksgiving / Christmas etc would be spent together. Their friends were ours and visa Versa, we were a very close unit. My wife and her SIL were never “best friends” but as we were so close to her brother ( he and I were friends prior to meeting my wife) and our eldest son worshiped the ground SIL walked on and she treated him like her own child we were always very grateful to have a lovely SIL.

wife and I expected this to eventually blow over when SIL eventually calmed down. There has never been a crossed word about it between SIL and my wife nor has it been discussed at all. we assumed she’d angrily shouted at BIL about it but was not angry enough to raise it with us therefore we left it between them to sort out as we are his family and they would come to a resolution.

we have tried to smooth things over with minimal fuss, offered lifts, tried to arrange 4th July and invited them both, mentioned casually that we were going out if they wanted to come along to show we’re not treating her behaviour as a big deal and want to just move on but we have been snubbed over and over again, she refuses to engage with us at all.

it’s now over a year and as our social lives are so intertwined it is now becoming beyond awkward and inconvenient to the point my wife and I are hurt and angry that she is causing this rift in the family and forcing friends to choose who to invite out. We’re also becoming increasingly angry at BIL for allowing her to behave this way and cause all this hurt and upset, that will effect our wider family and children. He just protests he’s stuck in the middle and can’t make her change her mind and that she thinks we should count ourselves lucky she now even “allows” us to see or babysit our nephew!!

we were all invited to a family cook out this weekend. BIL had called ahead to see if we were going, we said we were undecided. He then said he needed to know as SIL wanted to go but would only do so if we were not, he then actively encouraged us not to go as he really wanted to go with his SIL. Well wife began to curse and shout calling SIL stubborn and ridiculous pointing out that if she was such a terrible person why was she asked to care for nephew when it suited them when what she had done was so terrible to receive such punishment of being cut off. This ended in the phone being hung up. We did not go, they did and had a lovely time according to Social media.

we’re at the point now where we can’t deal with this anymore and feel like cutting them out completely, washing our hands of them rather than keep trying to make allowances for SIL ridiculous behaviour hoping it will blow over. We’re angry at BIL for being so pathetic and her for being a stubborn heartless b*h for allowing this to ruin our close family. We have sent very “controlled” texts explaining our position, tgat we love Nephew and Wife shouted at him in the heat of the moment and lives him dearly and basically pleading for things to go back to how they were which have not been responded to.

AIBU, what should we do! My wife is devastated it’s come to this but SIL is digging her heals in and we don’t know why! The constant rejection from reaching out hurts and is now causing us to feel anger and resentment which we’re unlikely to be able to come back from if it doesn’t change soon. We think we shut cut ties and wait for them to come to us….but what if they don’t?!

You are all ridiculous. You for yelling at your wife in the first instance, not supporting her in a totally normal and reasonable reaction to an 8 day old baby being smacked on the head, and for enabling this bullshit - not going where you want to go and seeing who you want to see in case it upsets SIL, tiptoeing around someone is is so obviously high maintenance and ridiculous, and babysitting a child who hits yours when the mother won’t even speak when she picks her up. Your wife is ridiculous for all those reasons except the first one, which is all you, but she should have eyerolled you into oblivion for your treatment of her. She’d just had a baby though (presumably) so we should give her a pass.

Your BIL is ridiculous, precious and a massive drip. Although more manipulative than the average drip so he gets credit for that (encouraging you not to go to an event you want to go to??? Wtf is that? What is it about him that makes you value his judgement about where you should go so highly).
Your SIL is ridiculous for obvious reasons.
You are collectively ridiculous for escalating a complete non event into a full on generation defying rift. Give you head a wobble. Tell them you aren’t playing anymore. Apologise to your wife for being an arsehole.

I won't usually suggest cutting off a family member but your SIL sees contact with her to mean she's right not that you're being forgiving.
She'll continue to be a drama queen forever. You need to cut her off for a long while so she can re-think her character and values.

@Ellie450 'hell' is a profanity that requires apologising for?! Whatever. You know sometimes people will react before they know what is going on because they've been startled - that's clearly what's happened here. Don't know why your focus is on that non-event part of the story when the issue is the SIL who is clearly a complete arsehole.

@Constantlyeyerolling I would extend an olive branch to my brother (if I were your wife) and say you still have no idea why removing a small child from a situation where they had hit a baby is bad, and that you would do it again if you had to. State you won't be staying quiet or sitting out events going forward because his wife has an issue - and you certainly won't be offering babysitting either; you're not acceptable only when they want a favour. I would say that pussyfooting round this situation has caused a huge rift that you just want over.

Incidentally - I wonder how she would have reacted if she were holding her own newborn and the toddler walloped them? Pretty much the same way I expect. Toddlers have no impulse control and do not understand what they're doing is wrong - I don't know why this has blown up. Ridiculous.

As everyone has said, stop the babysitting and childcare. Of course you shouldn't look after the child of someone that hates you and doesn't speak when they drop off, it's bad for the child for starters, how dysfunctional! Also, it's not good for your child to be round one that hits her, and you can't keep their little boy safe if you can't tell him off or intervene for fear it will be wrongly interpreted.

Just stop being a pushover. Stop the babysitting. Go with their no-contact rules and see your BIL as and when in a cafe.

I don't understand why you say your wife over reacted, what was she supposed to do? Sit there and let him harm your daughter? BIL and his wife were the ones who should have been apologising for not supervising their son and letting him hurt a baby.

Secondly if SIL wants help with childcare she needs to be polite and ask for it and thank you for it, if she won't she won't get childcare. No way should she be allowed to get away with that.

Finally go to events you want to go to, if she wants to be able to go to them she will have to grow up otherwise she is the one who should be missing out.

I agree with this. My SIL (dhs brothers wife) HATED me when I came along because I already had two children (toddlers, really) who were accepted straight away as grandchildren and she had been looking forward to being the first mother of grandchildren in the family. I stole her thunder. She told me all this, drunkenly, just before we fell out for good after ten years or more of me putting up with her nonsense.

Drop the rope is good advice. She is batshit.

Is there some kind of status thing going on here where in your wife's family she has a much lower status than her brother, and this elevated status thing carries over to his wife?

I agree that this was likely to have been a ploy that conveniently arose to distant herself from you and your wife. My SIL did something very similar with my other SIL and my MIL- she has had no contact with them for 7 years, other than to tell mutual friends how much she hates us all, while still trying to gain any gossip she can about us. I have distanced myself from all her drama and think that her husband (my BIL) is a bit of an arse for allowing her to upset his 90 year old mother so much when she had done so much for them both before this fallout.

Stop babysitting, you need to protect your daughter

I was definitely thinking all the adults involved are at fault.

I wouldn’t be offering childcare to anyone’s child that would be hitting, kicking, pinching and/or scratching mine and is doing the same at school and their parents don’t seem to be doing anything about it especially if the parents don’t even like me, family or not. Family doesn’t mean letting people treat you however they want because they’re family.

I definitely wouldn’t be going out of my way and not going to events nor entertaining anyone asking me not to go because they don’t like my spouse. That is a “them” issue and they can either be an adult or act like a child but I’m going to go to the events I want.

Your sister in law sounds a bit nuts.

There is obviously more to it than this one event, either she was looking for an excuse to ditch you, or she has greater issues around her sons behaviour.

Sometimes you just have to accept that people aren't interested anymore or don't want contact. You've bent over backwards to apologise to her, but she still won't have any of it. She sounds unstable and there is no guarantee that in the future something else won't kick off that starts it all off again even if you do get back to socialising together.

I certainly wouldn't be looking after her kid, if only for the reason that something else might happen that she would go nuts over while he is in your care.

Just go NC, you have accommodated her enough.

You all need to give your heads a wobble. Keep a strong sense of humour at all times. It's ridiculous situation unless SIL is queen of the world.

I would never babysit a child whose parent doesn’t even give me the courtesy of speaking.

I would never look after a child if their parent refused to speak to me!
Madness!!!

Stop pandering to SIL, go to events you want to ...............she is the problem here.

Stop apologising. I would have shouted at my nephew if he hit my baby or any baby. There is nothing wrong with a loud no. Baby's are vulnerable and need protecting. I don't think your wife did anything wrong.

Stop babysitting. You don't feel able to tell him off or correct his behaviour so you shouldn't have him. SIL is being a dick. I wouldn't let her continue to be a duck but still babysit. Want to be a dick then pay for childcare. I mind my bephews often and they get treated exactly as my own kids. I tell them off when necessary, treat them and praise them.

So she's ok for you to regularly look after her son but she won't talk to you because of how your wife treated her son on one occasion a year ago?

That doesn't make any sense.

The more you and your wife beg, the more SIL is loving it and the drama of it all.

I agree with you, you need to wash your hands off her.

No more babysitting of nephew.

No more texts.

No more staying away from family events so SIL can go.]

Grey rock the cunt.

What a load of drama, 18 month old didn’t know what he was doing so bring firm and moving him right away was fine I wouldn’t have shouted wtf is hammer fisting anyway? You over reacting the sil overreacted and now no one is speaking because of a silly incident that could’ve been resolved at the time.

Get a grip and find some self respect the pair of you.

Minding her child while she ignores you🙄.

Cut her out completely and go to every single social occasion.

She is a drama queen and loves the strife.

Your BIL is a disgrace.

Keep their child away from yours.

Being scared of a child that hurts yours?

Unbelievable.

Grow up and accept that these are morons and stop creeping around them awaiting forgiveness.

Move on.

I cannot believe anyone would babysit a child of a parent who refused to speak to them.

Give some thought to the type of doormat behaviour you may end up modelling to your child.

Find back bones the pair of you.

Apologies for harshness but you need to cop yourselves on.

Good luck.

This is so odd...she thinks you've done something so unforgivable to your nephew that she wont ever speak to you again...however she will give you free access to him, without her there, so you can do it again?! That's batshit, and if it was just about protecting her child, she wouldn't let you see him. What's her reasoning for not letting her husband see his sister on their own? I have a feeling she never liked her and this has finally given her an excuse to cut your wife out.

Anyway I'd go to all the events, fuck them. Just pretend to be the bigger people, be civil and they will look like dicks for ignoring you. Tell them you'd live to look after your nephew once you've had a clear the air talk with them and stop looking after him if they're still playing these stupid games.

Unfortunately you cant argue your case with someone with no logic who won't engage. There is literally nothing you can do to influence the behaviour of someone with a weird vendetta. So just concentrate on your own lives

With a mother like this no wonder her son hits and kicks other children. He obviously is being taught that if you hit or kick someone then it isn’t your fault.

Personally if nephew had done this at anytime subsequently when you were looking after him then I would have shouted at him again and again and also explained that whilst his mother might not like it when he gets told off she still gives him to you because she is desperate because no one else wants to look after him because of his behaviour

I would even dare him to tell on you as if his behaviour doesn’t change then his mother is going to take the fact that her social life is going to be curtailed out on him.

Your nephew will continue to be a hitter and kicker til someone bigger hits and kicks him back.

The whole situation is ridiculous. Your wife is owed an apology by both her brother and SIL.

Do not stop attending family gatherings - let the SIL throw her toys out the pram if she wishes. Make your position plain to both and stand your ground.

Absolutely do not babysit for them. Your first duty of care as parents is to your daughter, not your nephew. If he is hurting her when he’s there and not receiving any discipline, how on Earth is he expected to learn and grow out of it? It sounds like at the moment his behaviour is violent and undisciplined - this will lead to problems later on if BIL and SIL don’t address it.

Stop babysitting. Your nephew is NOT going to grow out of hitting etc unless his parents parent him out of it, and you're too afraid to be in loco parentis (not blaming you, but it's the wrong thing to do, honest).

Go to every family event you can. If BIL asks say undecided (or yes, particularly if you're thinking you won't, but that's petty), and leave it at that. Go Every Time You Can. If asked, tell people calmly that it was nothing and something and just that wife told nephew off for hitting newborn on softspot, SIL wasn't there so why she's angry you don't know.

What else? Oh yes, stop babysitting.

And don't forget, stop babysitting.

You have to do the opposite of what you’re now doing. Don’t look after their child and go on ALL the family occasions you’d like . Pay no heed to them or their wishes in this matter. Be firm but gentle. Cause no scenes. Your SIL is currently successful in her attempts to ostracise you from your own family.

Stop babysitting, stop indulging her, go to family events and assure your BIL that if they choose to attend there will be no problems on your side.