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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 29/05/2023 12:36

Yes I think I would have offered to pay in that situation, it's obviously something that was important to her. We have plenty of the hand car wash places around that do valeting and they're normally never more than £25.

OrwellianTimes · 29/05/2023 12:38

From your description your friend has pretty bad anxiety issues and this has tipped her over.

Yes I’d offer to pay - I’d also see what I could do to support her with her anxiety, see if she’s getting any help. And don’t go for a swim/walk by the sea before she picks you up in future!

ProfessorXtra · 29/05/2023 12:39

Yes I think you should offer to pay.

But it might not just be that. If it’s a new (to her) car and she has OCD and anxiety, she may feel very disrespected or like you simply didn’t care enough to think.

You know about her OCD, you knew she was particular about the car and yet simply ‘didn’t think’ that you may have sand all over and jumped in.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 29/05/2023 12:40

I’d be pretty pissed off if someone got sand all over my car! And yes I would be expecting them to pay to have it valeted, although this usually costs £20-30 where I am.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 12:40

I think if she has mentioned it needs professionally valeting and you are the one who's caused this then yes you should pay.

MontyPyth0n · 29/05/2023 12:40

You don't see it as a big deal but obviously she does. Just dumping your stuff in the car shows a complete lack of respect for someone else's belongings.

I'd be paying for the car to be cleaned and buying a bottle of wine to apologise.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 12:41

ProfessorXtra · 29/05/2023 12:39

Yes I think you should offer to pay.

But it might not just be that. If it’s a new (to her) car and she has OCD and anxiety, she may feel very disrespected or like you simply didn’t care enough to think.

You know about her OCD, you knew she was particular about the car and yet simply ‘didn’t think’ that you may have sand all over and jumped in.

I agree. She was doing you a favour and you just didn't care.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 29/05/2023 12:41

Yes you should pay. Deliberate or not, you got sand all over her car. Sand is a nightmare to get out of a car. I can't believe that you didn't even offer to pay when she said it needed to be professionally cleaned. I wouldn't expect an invite back quickly.

Beenhereageskeepchangingname · 29/05/2023 12:42

It has upset her , I would have offered to pay .

personally I wouldn’t have thought twice about a bit of sand , but it sounds like it was enough to upset her , and everyone is different.

I would send her a bunch of flowers in a few days with an apology- it was an accident after all .

on a side note, someone’s kid was sick once in my car and they didn’t offer to have it cleaned. That annoyed me a bit- it wasn’t fun scraping sick out lol

PrimrosesandPears · 29/05/2023 12:44

Yes you should offer to pay. It’s not too late to do that, message her now and offer.

I don’t have anxiety or OCD and I don’t care about my car much but I do hate sand and how hard it is to clean up and would be a bit irritated by this. Given what you have said about your friend, you must know this is much worse for her and offering is the best thing for the friendship.

Bonjovispjs · 29/05/2023 12:45

Of course you should pay.

Bargellobitch · 29/05/2023 12:46

It was pretty unthinking to get sand all over her car. You must have know you had sand on you and your stuff? But she sounds like she has anxiety issues too. So probably ottin her reaction. As she is obviously upset I'd offer to get the car cleaned personally.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 12:46

Can you message her now? And say something like sorry again about your car - please let me know how much the valet costs and I will send you the money ASAP.

Clymene · 29/05/2023 12:47

It wasn't an accident. You were wet and sandy and got into her new car.

It might not have been malicious on your part but it's thoughtless. I would pay to have the car valeted.

Denise82 · 29/05/2023 12:49

Id just ask how much the valet was and give the cash or transfer the money if you have her details, she may not feel like she can accept if you simply offer to pay. Usually people will say "oh no its OK" even when it's not.
If she has ocd she wouldn't have been able to rest until it was cleaned, maybe see if she is getting help for her ocd.

mrsbyers · 29/05/2023 12:50

It’s sand , she can drive to the garage and shove £2 in the hoover and it’ll be sorted - she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

icelollycraving · 29/05/2023 12:50

Yes, you should pay. It sounds like it really upset her. Regardless of her OCD, most people with a new car won’t want it covered in sand.
Sounds like a tense evening but she was probably fretting about it, waiting to get it sorted and you got up at 9. Apologise and ask how much it cost asap.

drpet49 · 29/05/2023 12:52

mrsbyers · 29/05/2023 12:50

It’s sand , she can drive to the garage and shove £2 in the hoover and it’ll be sorted - she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

This. She doesn’t need it professional valeted- she’s taking the piss with that. Also she was being rude with all the passive aggressiveness.

toomuchlaundry · 29/05/2023 12:52

Could she bring the car to yours and you hoover it?

BodenCardiganNot · 29/05/2023 12:53

she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

So in your eyes someone with anxiety and OCD is in some way abnornmal?

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 12:54

mrsbyers · 29/05/2023 12:50

It’s sand , she can drive to the garage and shove £2 in the hoover and it’ll be sorted - she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

It would matter to me!

And what's your definition of 'normal'?

PennyWeisse · 29/05/2023 12:55

I'd offer to pay.

2bazookas · 29/05/2023 12:55

It was not deliberate but it was your fault and you should pay for her car to be valeted.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 12:56

mrsbyers · 29/05/2023 12:50

It’s sand , she can drive to the garage and shove £2 in the hoover and it’ll be sorted - she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

OP's friend is a "normal" person.

If you mean someone without OCD - I think a lot of people would be bothered by it

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 12:57

Have you offered to pay yet OP?

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