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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jibo · 29/05/2023 14:34

It's sand. I thought you were going to say you'd been sick in there or something.

You were careless and messy, but your friend is unreasonably fussy and her behaviour was inhospitable. If she's going to be that particular about her car she shouldn't offer other people lifts in it, let alone pick them up from the beach!

Exhater · 29/05/2023 14:34

Well if friends OCD is this bad, maybe she shouldn't be offering to pick people up from THE BEACH

quietheart · 29/05/2023 14:39

Fucking hell @Exhater that's a bit harsh on the friend, don’t blame her for having an illness. It’s the OP’s fault.

I don’t have OCD and I would be pissed off if a friend didn’t think to bring a bag to put her wet sandy swim stuff in or didn’t dry herself off properly and then jumped in my car.

TheSnowyOwl · 29/05/2023 14:39

YABU. It’s important to her so either pay for it to be valeted (and that’s a lot more than £20) or do the equivalent proper job yourself since you don’t seem to want to spend money rectifying your thoughtlessness to save the friendship.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/05/2023 14:40

mrsbyers · 29/05/2023 12:50

It’s sand , she can drive to the garage and shove £2 in the hoover and it’ll be sorted - she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

It would matter to me and would piss me off. You should have offered to pay, OP.

olympicsrock · 29/05/2023 14:41

I think that some of these replies are bonkers. I have a nice car but I also have children and an active life. We live near a beach. My car is never professionally valeted. I use a hand held vacuum and cloth.

She knew you had been to the beach and would therefore have some sand on your feet/ clothes / bag.
She could have accepted your offer to clean in. Insisting on a professional valet is her choiceZ the silent treatment is awful. In your shoes OP I would stay clear of her car and home again due to her inability to relax about normal stuff.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 14:42

What on earth were you thinking going on the beach and in the sea before going to a mates?? Were you planning on having a shower at hers or something? Surely you must have known you’d be a state - covered in sand and sea water

you absolutely should offer to pay her for her car cleaning. Or lose a friendship. Your choice

shakeitoffsis · 29/05/2023 14:43

You should absolutely pay to her it cleaned. How disrespectful.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/05/2023 14:46

Beenhereageskeepchangingname · 29/05/2023 12:42

It has upset her , I would have offered to pay .

personally I wouldn’t have thought twice about a bit of sand , but it sounds like it was enough to upset her , and everyone is different.

I would send her a bunch of flowers in a few days with an apology- it was an accident after all .

on a side note, someone’s kid was sick once in my car and they didn’t offer to have it cleaned. That annoyed me a bit- it wasn’t fun scraping sick out lol

This reminds me re the sick. My DNephew was sick in his car last year and I was with him. We stopped at a nearby garage with no car wash or valet and spent the next 30 mins buying and using stuff from the petrol station shop to clear the mess up, it was in the child car seat too. After that it could still be smelled so DB got it valeted next day.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 14:46

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

Tough

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/05/2023 14:47

To OP. Yes pay for it to be cleaned. Very rude not to and you being out of work is none of her business especially as you have a partner/DH who could lend you money for this.

Rainn21 · 29/05/2023 14:49

Why don’t you get a job and earn some money so you have a spare £20?! You’re very odd and abnormal OP. Imagine not having a few quid to offer a friend when you’ve made a mess of their property.

Starseeking · 29/05/2023 14:49

I would be cross if someone got in my new car and got sand all over the place, that stuff is a nightmare to clean up.

It's like walking in dog mess, going straight into someone's house without cleaning your shoes, or taking them off, then shrugging your shoulders that you got it on their carpet.

Being a non-driver it looks like you didn't give the sand a second thought, so you need to pay up, even if it will stretch your finances.

shivbo2014 · 29/05/2023 14:50

You definitely should not pay for it to be cleaned. You offered to help clean it, she's doesn't need sand professionally cleaned from the car. If she wants it professionally cleaned, that's up to her, but I wouldn't be paying! Everyone saying you made a mess you should pay, it doesn't require her to pay it needs a good hoovering which the op offered to do.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 29/05/2023 14:55

Hankunamatata · 29/05/2023 13:05

You sound thoughtless, even my kids know to rinse off after being on the beach and shake off all their clothing/towels then stick them in a big plastic bag in the boot.

Exactly I don’t get this at all. Who puts sandy towels in a car without shaking them or using a bag.

i also think you need to pay her, if you value this friendship at all.

Jibo · 29/05/2023 14:56

Starseeking · 29/05/2023 14:49

I would be cross if someone got in my new car and got sand all over the place, that stuff is a nightmare to clean up.

It's like walking in dog mess, going straight into someone's house without cleaning your shoes, or taking them off, then shrugging your shoulders that you got it on their carpet.

Being a non-driver it looks like you didn't give the sand a second thought, so you need to pay up, even if it will stretch your finances.

It is NOT like walking dog shit into someone's home! It's SAND! Starting to think a lot of people on this thread must have OCD...

Frabbits · 29/05/2023 14:59

It's just sand. Taking it to be valeted just for that is ridiculous. Cars, with the best will in the world get a bit mucky.

OP offered to clean it up, if the person still insists on paying someone to do it that's on them.

TheSnowyOwl · 29/05/2023 15:00

Jibo · 29/05/2023 14:56

It is NOT like walking dog shit into someone's home! It's SAND! Starting to think a lot of people on this thread must have OCD...

Show quote history

I don’t have OCD but I have four children a lift home from the beach after Cubs a couple of weeks ago. My car is still covered in sand and I’ve been out with a vacuum cleaner twice but it’s just got into everything. They will walk home next time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 15:07

Jibo · 29/05/2023 14:56

It is NOT like walking dog shit into someone's home! It's SAND! Starting to think a lot of people on this thread must have OCD...

Show quote history

@Jibo

its the same kind of thoughtlessness and lack of respect

Toddlerteaplease · 29/05/2023 15:10

YaWeeFurryBastard · 29/05/2023 12:40

I’d be pretty pissed off if someone got sand all over my car! And yes I would be expecting them to pay to have it valeted, although this usually costs £20-30 where I am.

Too right. I would not be happy

lunar1 · 29/05/2023 15:11

Of course you should pay, I wouldn't want someone who couldn't see the value of my car cleaning it either. I'd put the money in a card and post it though so she doesn't refuse.

Cailin66 · 29/05/2023 15:23

mrsbyers · 29/05/2023 12:50

It’s sand , she can drive to the garage and shove £2 in the hoover and it’ll be sorted - she’s wrong to make you feel this way over something that really doesn’t matter to a normal person

This is all that’s needed. Ridiculous to pay for it to be valeted. Sand is annoying but it’s not dirty.

Whattheflipflap · 29/05/2023 15:23

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

its probably a lot to your friend too. have you apologised. I think you should offer. She will probably say no, but acknowledging you left her out of pocket because you were inconsiderate is important

Cailin66 · 29/05/2023 15:24

Starseeking · 29/05/2023 14:49

I would be cross if someone got in my new car and got sand all over the place, that stuff is a nightmare to clean up.

It's like walking in dog mess, going straight into someone's house without cleaning your shoes, or taking them off, then shrugging your shoulders that you got it on their carpet.

Being a non-driver it looks like you didn't give the sand a second thought, so you need to pay up, even if it will stretch your finances.

You equate sand with dog poo? Seriously?

continentallentil · 29/05/2023 15:25

She does sound like hard work, but yes if at all possible you should offer to pay.

If you absolutely can’t - well you did offer to help - so maybe drop round a small gift like a bottle of wine.

Once you’ve done one of those things then she should get over it, so leave her be a few days then carry on as normal.