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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 29/05/2023 13:22

I actually think it’s quite rude that you didn’t even use a bag or something to TRY and stop the car getting soiled.

youhavenoidea123 · 29/05/2023 13:23

OP do you like in a property that allows you to use a hoover outside. If yes, I'd have offered to hoover it when she dropped me off. Especially if I did not have the funds to get it cleaned. Another option would be a vacuumed at the petrol station.

NutellaNut · 29/05/2023 13:23

She’s got a nice new car and you’ve got sand all over it. Yes, you should pay.

theemmadilemma · 29/05/2023 13:23

Oh please! It doesn't need a professional valet for some sand. Wait till morning when it's dry and nip to a garage with a forecourt hoover for £2. Job done.

Daisydu · 29/05/2023 13:23

It was thoughtless. But you’ve offered to help clean it. Personally if a good friend did that to my car and offered to clean it I’d say oh don’t worry and do it myself. The apology and offer to help would be enough for me

EvilElsa · 29/05/2023 13:25

I would pay and send a bunch of flowers. I have OCD (diagnosed) and its absolutely debilitating. It would have sent me spiralling. It might not be that she's so angry she can't speak to you, it's probably being stuck in the hell loop of obsessing. It was obviously an accident so don't beat yourself up over it, but I do think you should cover the clean as it's your mess.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/05/2023 13:26

I’d pay for a valet& apologise. They’ll come to her house. Pretty rude when someone doing you a favour to get sand all over her car. Sand is awful to get rid of. Just say you are sorry and weren’t thinking.

Whiteroomjoy · 29/05/2023 13:26

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 12:41

I agree. She was doing you a favour and you just didn't care.

Show quote history

Hmm, I didn’t think could mean she didn’t think there’d be sand over everything.
I do not think she came across as uncaring or disrespectful of friend. Right for. Start she offered to help clean up and repeated this multiple times. She is very conscious , in posting this , thst her level of cleanliness acceptable arent the same as friends and knows to accept this
she made a mistake in putting it in and getting sand everywhere- we ALL make mistakes. Stop being so judgmental and pretending you’re ammunition to mistakes 🤦‍♀️🙄

Op , don’t listen to the beat you up for being human brigade.
give her the money for a generous valet and a bunch of flowers to apologise for being a bit of a idiot to have not thought about sand . Don’t ask whether she will have it valeted, just give her a generous sum based on local prices, tell her you hope it will cover costs of valeted, and she can choose whether to clean it herself (and you paying her labour) and spend money on something else.

Whattodo112222 · 29/05/2023 13:27

Op.. you should have at least offered to pay or contribute?. Could your partner not sub you 20 quid?

Rainbowshit · 29/05/2023 13:30

I have some friends that would have shrugged and not cared but I also have other friends who this would really really have bothered. Personally if you value the friendship you should send her the money.

adviceneeded1990 · 29/05/2023 13:30

I wouldn’t care and I don’t have any friends that would care but we’ve all got some combination of animals/children and are used to sand/mud/biscuits. If you’ve offered to help clean and that’s not good enough I think you’ve done enough.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/05/2023 13:31

I don't think her mental health diagnoses really have much to do with it or should form part of an argument as to why a person shouldn't have to pay for messing someone else's new car.

She's had it a few weeks, I honestly don't know anyone who wouldn't be at least a bit gutted. It probably wasn't necessary for her to insist all was fine and then be passive agrgessive about it rather than just say she's disappointed and it will need a valet.

I don't think it takes a genius to work out that going to the beach and then getting in a vehicle without sitting on a towel or washing down, would make a mess. You should be paying for that OP and I hope you look into offering her anything you can afford towards it at the minimum. The situation has been entirely caused by you.

Hillrunning · 29/05/2023 13:31

I won't just be sand though will it? Some of your stuff, and possibly yoy, will have been wet. Salty water is a nightmare to remove.

Just accept that tour thoughtlessness has cost you some money and pay your friend.

SparklyBlackKitten · 29/05/2023 13:32

No way
30-40 pounds. To vacuum a car?? 🤣
She is taking the piss.
She can drive to a garage and pay ....what.. like 2 quid to get a vacuum out

I wouldnt pay

You offered to clean it twice

Anxiety my behind. She said no. So she can deal with it now.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 29/05/2023 13:33

I think that so many on this thread don’t understand OCD and how ‘a bit of sand’ will have affected the friend.

Op, if you value your friendship you will find a way.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 29/05/2023 13:34

Agree with both of these. It’s not your fault that normal cleaning methods don’t meet her expectations. You offered repeatedly to clean it, I wouldn’t pay £40 odd to get some sand out.

It's not her expectations, it's that the sand isn't coming out as she's said. I think it's quite telling on the people who wouldn't give a toss about ruining someone else's property.

Dinosaurus123 · 29/05/2023 13:34

Why didn't she just take it to the garage to hoover it?? Certainly doesn't need a full valet for that, that's like saying oh I spilt crumbs on the carpet floor so the whole house needs cleaning!

Tophy124 · 29/05/2023 13:34

You’re so selfish. I honestly wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my car like shit after I did them a favour, then acted like it was no big deal and due to ocd/anxiety. You then haven’t even offered to pay. if you’re not working don’t act like a moron and cause damage to other peoples stuff then if you can’t afford to get it fixed. Did you also go to her home and eat her food after all this?

It’s her new car and you got sand all over it as you selfishly ‘had’ to go swimming. That part is weird anyway and I’d be irritated your brought wet and sandy items into my car. You sound like a user OP.

Doggymummar · 29/05/2023 13:34

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

I don't think it matters that you are not working to be honest, you caused damage you need to rectify it, or lose a friend. Pay her £1 a week if you have to, but you need to show some remorse.

MrsR87 · 29/05/2023 13:34

Regardless of the OCD, some people, myself included, like to buy themselves nice things and do their best to keep them nice. It’s very frustrating when others don’t do the same. If my friend did this and knew how I felt, I’d be disappointed if they didn’t offer to pay for a valet.
With OCD, this will be huge to your friend and she probably won’t really have slept last night because she was thinking about it.

queenMab99 · 29/05/2023 13:36

Good grief! I can understand that someone with anxiety and ocd, might be upset about sand in their car, but she could get a little rechargeable hand vacuum for cleaning her car, sand is an easy thing to remove! However all these posters being horrified at your insensitivity are being ridiculous, you made a mistake, you offered to clean it for her! If she is really cutting you off for that, you are better off without her as a friend.
Actually a rechargeable hand held vacuum might be a good gift if you wanted to compensate her for your mistake.
My car and house are often sandy, as I live at the seaside and walk the dog on a beach, I consider myself lucky, as mud is much worse to remove, and often stains.

SpringViolet · 29/05/2023 13:37

This is ridiculous!

It is SAND, not coffee, vomit or dog poo! It needs a hoover not a full valet.

It’s not like the OP chucked handfuls in as she got in the car. it would be a small amount that has come off her towel and towel.

OP displayed correct apologetic behaviour, offered to clean it, the most she needs to offer now is a few quid for petrol pump hoover, borrowing a handheld vacuum or an extension lead so car can be hoovered outside the flat.

If OPs friend has OCD she should have ensured OP put her stuff/sat on some plastic or something knowing she was picking her up from the BEACH so could have put sand in her car. I say that as a fellow OCD sufferer!

It sounds like the OP’s friend will probably get over it once sand is out of car.

Newestname002 · 29/05/2023 13:37

@fantaorangeee

If you don't have the money to pay directly to have her car professionally cleaned, could you borrow from your partner and then pay him back? 🌹

cuckyplunt · 29/05/2023 13:38

It’s sand not radioactive waste, she’s being a dick.. but yeah give her a couple of quid to give a vacuum at local petroleum station.

cuckyplunt · 29/05/2023 13:39

Newestname002 · 29/05/2023 13:37

@fantaorangeee

If you don't have the money to pay directly to have her car professionally cleaned, could you borrow from your partner and then pay him back? 🌹

PROFESSIONALLY CLEANED..
it’s sand!