Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

[fantaorangeee]

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

It doesn't matter if it wouldn't bother you. It bothers the OP's friend.

People on here are mad. All she had to do was drop off at a garage and use their vacuum. I find the garage ones more powerful than at home. It would have taken ten minutes and cost £2.

Tbh it would probs piss me off a bit. I find my non driving friends just view people's cars like taxis they can jump in, rather than expensive items that cost thousands and need to be looked after.

Yeah, i would offer to pay for it too, I would say the reason you wouldn't didn't offer wasn't that you thought it wasn't the right thing to do but because you didn't have a job which was fair enough but I get why your friend would be annoyed, I am sure she will get over it though if you apologise right.

Sand is a pain. Local vacs where I am pick up sod all. Valeting interior where I am for a small car is £40. I'd be offering her at least thirty.

She's got OCD so it might as well be radioactive waste to her

You offered to clean it and she said no, it's sand, not acid, if she'd have taken you up on her offer you could have got most of it with a hoover. If you can't afford to pay for it to be professionally cleaned then don't. Sure you should have been more mindful, but it's not like you didn't offer to remedy it- there's just a difference between cleaning yourself which she didn't want and paying £££s for the whole car to be cleaned. It's unfortunate if she struggles with stuff like this, I do too but I cover my seats if giving someone a lift as recognise these things happen.

It doesn't mean it needs a deep all over clean to get rid of it though.

I wouldn't mind if it was my car. I love my friends and know they wouldn't have done it on purpose. It's only a bit of sand, a good hoover sorts it quickly. Would absolutely appreciate their apology if a new car but that would be the end of it. Cars get dirty and then you clean them. But, your friend is not me. If she has OCD it must have been hard for her, but I would hope a friend could let me know what I had done wrong. Something like "it has really triggered me. Sorry if I seem off with you, but I find this very difficult". Either way, I absolutely would pay for it to be sorted or suggest we go to the fuel station and get it hoovered together.
To have her rushing you out and hardly speaking to you is not great. Especially if you asked and obviously wanted to sort it. I would feel bad and want to rectify my mistake, but I wouldn't stay again. Too stressful if friends don't communicate their thoughts/needs etc.

Yes, it was an accident but avoidable, you were being careless.
Pay up, lack of money on your side isn't her issue.

But the OCD is a red-herring.

There is a perfectly reasonable (and cheap) solution to the problem using a vacuum at a petrol station. If OP’s friend wasn’t happy with that, then OP offered to clean it herself, which she declined.

It’s like if I had a friend round and they got crumbs on the floor and instead of accepting their offer to clean it, I insisted on a professional clean. It’s just not proportionate to the mess that was made.

I have sympathy with her OCD, but OP has offered reasonable help which she’s declined. If she wants a professional clean instead that’s her choice and she should incur the cost of that.

That's unfortunate, OP, but you made a mess in your friend's new-to-her car, and she has had to have it professionally valeted to get rid of all the sand, so you need to offer to pay for it.

Just dry sand or damp sand/damp towel that is going to stick and potentially leave a water mark?

If former, you have offered and I would leave it as could be hoovered cheaply at a station. If latter borrow money from partner, transfer money to have the car cleaned.

Either way be more considerate of others cars in the future.

She sounds very OTT. But then again we’re a beach family so our car is always covered in sand so it doesn’t bother me at all. But you offered to help clean it, that seems enough to me, unless there was any lasting damage, a hoover at the garage will sort it out.

I would have gone down to the local car wash, used their industrial sized vacuum for £2 and got rid of the sand that way! No way do you need a full valet to remove a bit of sand.

I am astounded at the concensus on here. It wasn't deliberate and could've happened to anyone, and you offered to clean it up. You could offer to hoover it for her but your suggestions of help have already been turned down so that's unlikely to be good enough. She sounds like someone who would have her car valeted anyway so yes, let her do that.
I think you've done all you needed to do. I don't see how flowers or wine would help - she wants a pristine car.

Absolutely this. Fair enough for OP to offer to clean it, including nipping it down to the local petrol station for a proper vacuum.

The friend’s responsive is excessive and unreasonable. If she wants to get a professional valet, that’s up to her her. But it’s not a proportional response, and I don’t think the OP should incur financial hardship when there’s a perfectly reasonable alternative that would resolve the issue.

I have severe anxiety and it’s a bastard. Sometimes you can’t help how you feel. But understanding when your thoughts are irrational and what is a reasonable way to act towards others is key. Neither I nor anyone else with anxiety should expect others to jump through disproportionately excessive hoops just to make us feel better. Hence why I think if the friend really feels she needs a valet that’s her choice but she needs to accept it’s an excessive reaction so it’s on her to sort.

Everyone saying it’s no big deal - can you not try and imagine how it feels to someone with OCD, with a new car?!! My car is full of mud from footballing kids now, but when it was new I was obsessive about keeping it clean, at least for the first couple of months.

OP you should pay, no question. You trashed her car and she wants it professionally cleaned, so you should sort it.

Yes, I think you should pay for the cleaning. I I have four kids, and an inexpensive car used for transporting them. I'd be annoyed if they- more so an adult- covered the back seat in salt and sand. It's thoughtless. Even imaging it I know just which of my friends would do this too. I am not naturally clean or neat or bothered by things, so I imagine with OCD this would feel worse.

Since when does sand require a professional clean? Utterly ridiculous.

I think she's probably spiralled a bit into catastrophising. Easy to do when you have OCD etc. In her head instead of 'Ugh I'll have to pop to the petrol station tomorrow and use the hoover' she's got 'I need to remove it right now as I can't go to bed with it like that, oh god some of it is still there, there's no way I'll be able to get it out myself, I'll need to get it valeted tomorrow asap because what if it damages the seats and what if the valet doesn't get it out properly and and and ...'

I am a fellow catastrophiser so I sympathise. I think if you can manage to offer some money, it would be a nice thing to do for a friend who helped you out. I imagine she will calm down once it's sorted but she's currently in that kind of 'it's ruined!' mindset.

It wasn’t an accident. It was sheer thoughtlessness and disregard for other people’s property on your part.

And she paid a lot for her car. OCD or not it wasn’t really an accident you were thoughtless and sloppy. Clearly you don’t want to pay. You should though.

You should pay. If you can't pay, tell her you can't afford to pay at the moment but you feel desperately guilty about it and will send her the money as soon as you do start working.

You would be a shit not to pay for the mess you made.