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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have paid to get friends car cleaned?

362 replies

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:34

Ok, so I don't personally think this was a big deal but that might be because I don't drive and my partner has an older car just to ferry the kids around. Interested to hear other people's thoughts nonetheless.

I made plans with a close friend last night to stay over at her house and have a night in. I went for a walk along the beach/dip in the sea beforehand and she picked me up afterwards as it was only down the road from where she lives. I jumped in the car and without thinking, I put my blanket/towel/bag on the back seats of the car. It's not a new car but it's new to her as she bought it around 3 weeks ago I think. It is quite an expensive car and has clearly been well looked after so I felt awful, as all my belongings were covered in sand. I hadn't realised what I'd done until I pulled everything out and the seats/floor were covered in the stuff.

I did apologise and offered to clean up but she said it was fine, although it clearly wasn't as when I came out of the shower she was outside cleaning the car. This was at 10pm. I told her I would have done it but she said no and told me she wouldn't be long. She must have been out there for around 20 minutes. She came in and said she'd have to take the car to be cleaned as it had all got into the seams of the seats and she couldn't get to it with a cloth. In all fairness she does live in a flat and has to park down the road so can't exactly get the hoover out. I told her I'd help her today but again she said no. She has suffered with ocd and anxiety since a young age and I noticed last night that she was extremely agitated, restless etc, presumably because of the car. She's like this with her house too.

She barely spoke a word to me last night and this morning was up walking around the house really early. I woke up around 9am and straight away she was asking me what time I wanted to be dropped off at home. I think she was rushing me to get out so she could take the car to be cleaned. Again, I apologised and offered to help clean up but she said it would need to be professionally valeted. I haven't heard from her since and it all feels very awkward. I spoke with my partner about it and he said maybe I should have offered to pay for it to be cleaned but I'm not working at the moment and I presume it would have cost around £40-£50 to be cleaned (it's quite a big car).

I understand it must have been frustrating for her and I'm usually a very clean, tidy person but it was an accident and I did apologise and offered to clean it up. Surely I don't deserve the silent treatment over this? And would you fall out with a friend over something like this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
AuContraire · 29/05/2023 13:12

You should pay.

It's a lot of money to you but it's your fault.

Happiestathome · 29/05/2023 13:12

@fantaorangeee if finances are difficult perhaps you could offer to pay in instalments. I’m sure your friend wouldn’t mind that if she knows you don’t have the full funds right away. I know it’s annoying spending £20 on an accident when funds are low, but it is the right thing to do to correct your mistake

neilyoungismyhero · 29/05/2023 13:13

I haven't got OCD but this would have irritated me. Sand can take years to get rid of! I know this for a fact having had children and plenty of beach trips, thankfully in an older runabout. You should offer to at least contribute 20 quid towards the valeting- surely you can afford that much?

Throwawayme · 29/05/2023 13:13

Another for you should pay, even if you borrow the money. You should have offered immediately to be honest but you should still do it now.

BobShark · 29/05/2023 13:14

Gosh I live by the beach, every few months I Hoover the endless sand from my car, it doesn't need valeting, just a quick Hoover.

If you got in wet and salty that's different, the salt water can damage the fabric of the seats.

HollaHolla · 29/05/2023 13:14

Sorry, but yes; you need to bung her £20 or so, if not a voucher for a valet.
My car is constantly covered in sand (I do open water swimming), and it doesn't bother me - BUT I know it would really bother my mum, for example.
I borrowed her car, to go on a trip, when mine was in the garage. I got mud and sand in it as we were staying out in the country. I ensured it had been washed and hoovered before I gave it back. I know that I wouldn't feel right otherwise.

So, in your case, even if you cannot afford the full price of a valet, a card with £20 in it would probably save bad feeling in the friendship.

HadEnough2023 · 29/05/2023 13:15

Yes you should pay, why didn't you put it in the boot? Seems really careless especially knowing she has OCD.

TrishTrix · 29/05/2023 13:15

I don't have OCD but I'm fussy about my car and this would upset me. People have mocked me before - my current car is really mundane and they don't understand why I care but I do. I'm generally quite careful with my stuff and it upsets me when other people aren't.

I also live in a flat and hoovering out the car is tricky - I used to go to my parents house to do it.

I also think you should offer to pay.

Heartsnrainbows · 29/05/2023 13:15

I doubt sand needs a professional valet. Having had groups of up to 5 kids in my car from the beach, I'm no stranger to bringing half the beach home with me and its never taken more than a quick once over with a handheld vacuum and a bit of Dr beckmans. 15 minute job max and its good as new. I think going on about having it valeted is a bit melodramatic.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 29/05/2023 13:16

ProfessorXtra · 29/05/2023 12:39

Yes I think you should offer to pay.

But it might not just be that. If it’s a new (to her) car and she has OCD and anxiety, she may feel very disrespected or like you simply didn’t care enough to think.

You know about her OCD, you knew she was particular about the car and yet simply ‘didn’t think’ that you may have sand all over and jumped in.

I agree with this.

Whether the car is new, old, expensive or anything in between: She was doing you a favour and this was clearly a big deal to her. And you knew that she has (contamination?) OCD.

You therefore should have paid for it.

NameChangeSorryNotSorry · 29/05/2023 13:17

drpet49 · 29/05/2023 12:52

This. She doesn’t need it professional valeted- she’s taking the piss with that. Also she was being rude with all the passive aggressiveness.

Show quote history

Agree with both of these. It’s not your fault that normal cleaning methods don’t meet her expectations. You offered repeatedly to clean it, I wouldn’t pay £40 odd to get some sand out.

FOJN · 29/05/2023 13:17

You know your friend suffers with OCD and you were both careless and thoughtless. I'm pretty normal but I would be pissed off too.

Surely you knew the beach had sand on it was it too much for you to brush it off or shake it out? You are not usually a clean and tidy person if that did not even occur to you. It did not occur to you because you don't own a car and your partner owns one for ferrying the children so you see clean cars as unimportant. I suspect if you had paid thousands of pounds for one yourself you might feel differently.

If I sound harsh it's because I am very aware of how distressing OCD is for people who suffer so my sympathy is with your friend. Paying to clean her car will not even come close to compensating her for the upset you have caused.

She is not ignoring you as punishment but more likely because she is so upset she does not know what to say. She will logically know it's just sand but her OCD makes it more than that and she knows she can not explain that to somone who does not have OCD.

FirstFallopians · 29/05/2023 13:18

I can see both sides.

I’d be pushed off if someone got sand all over my new-to-me car.

But at the same time, as pp have pointed out 2 minutes with a petrol station vacuum would sort it.

A full valet is OTT. If you’d left water-stains on the upholstery or something grim like walked in dog poo absolutely, but needing a full clean for a bit of sand is disproportionate.

ProfessorXtra · 29/05/2023 13:19

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

I never understand this thinking.

you either feel like you should pay for it or you don’t.

You ability to pay doesn’t impact wether should.

Tell her you would offer to pay but you simply can’t afford it

FloweryName · 29/05/2023 13:19

Heartsnrainbows · 29/05/2023 13:15

I doubt sand needs a professional valet. Having had groups of up to 5 kids in my car from the beach, I'm no stranger to bringing half the beach home with me and its never taken more than a quick once over with a handheld vacuum and a bit of Dr beckmans. 15 minute job max and its good as new. I think going on about having it valeted is a bit melodramatic.

Not everyone owns a handheld vacuum cleaner. Not everyone lives in a property that means they can use their regular hoover to do the car.

OPs friend is in this position, that’s why she needs the car valeted to return it to the state it was before OP got in.

Mumuser124 · 29/05/2023 13:20

I think the ideal thing would to be to offer to pay, but in all honesty, I would not take the money of I was your friend. I would accept that accidents happen and that’s just life but would have appreciated the offer.

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 13:20

You should of offered to pay.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 29/05/2023 13:20

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

"A lot of money" as in I'll need to go without a few extra coffees?

Or "a lot of money" as in I desperately need this to cover part of NY utility bill?

If it's the latter: You should have insisted on vacuuming the car yourself. Not just offered once or twice but made it clear that you would properly clean the seats and that it was the least you could do.

SpringNotSprung · 29/05/2023 13:20

It wouldn't be the sand per se that would upset me ( chargeable vac is needed in any event if she can't park near her house) but your thoughtlessness and lack of respect for other people's belongings. It's a boundary issue.

cocoloco117 · 29/05/2023 13:21

Fwiw, from her point of view I doubt the cost is the issue in all this. You’ve messed up her car, and that’s what she’s fixating on. Probably she didn’t want you to help clean up she thinks you won’t be able to do it well enough/will make it worse. I thank my lucky stars i don’t have ocd, must be awful to live like this. My car is pretty much permanently got sand mud crumbs etc all over the seats and carpets. Suggest you reach out to her and offer a sincere apology, seems it was an honest mistake, the best way to make up for it is to be more considerate in how you behave in the future and take her condition into account e.g. think before going to the beach ahead of meeting her.

viques · 29/05/2023 13:21

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

Shame.

Say you will pay £20 for the valeting but you can only afford to pay her £5 a week. And pay it.

PuddlesPityParty · 29/05/2023 13:21

OP you can’t just say well I’m not paying because it’s too much money for me rn. Maybe it’s an extra expense your friend doesn’t need right now either, you wound very disingenuous and like you were hoping for everyone to say oh no don’t be daft.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/05/2023 13:21

fantaorangeee · 29/05/2023 12:59

Thank you for your replies. Good to hear other people's thoughts. It was an accident but I do feel bad about it and how it's made her feel.

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

Tough shit. Be more considerate with other people's things.

PizzazzRoxyStorma · 29/05/2023 13:22

Well I'm going to go against the grain [of sand].

Yes I think you should pay BUT this friend sounds like hard work and I'd be giving her a wider berth in future.

I speak from experience: if you are precious about your car interior, you don't go picking people up from the beach! Especially not if a bit of sand is going to upset you so. Whoever came home from the beach and didn't find sand in the car afterwards??

Perhaps the silent treatment is a blessing in disguise? Pay her, then make a call on if it's worth continuing with this friendship.

CornishGem1975 · 29/05/2023 13:22

The difficulty is that I'm not working at the moment and £20 is a lot of money to me.

So maybe asked your DP to help? It's not your friend's fault you're not working. Not working doesn't mean it's okay to not pay for things.