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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
viques · 30/05/2023 19:15

I have just spotted that the DP has more than one child! Watch out OP, could be a takeover.

caringcarer · 30/05/2023 19:21

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 11:32

You say firmly "This is not what we agreed, and not what I want. We'll just give it a miss and continue as we are. It's far too complicated for you to move in and so the answer is No. We've been fine as we are for years. Let's keep it that way'.

This. I think you need to tell your dp that his DD is an adult and not part of a custody arrangement but she can come to see him sometimes and he can go out for a meal with her, but her visits do not involve sleeping over unless occasionally on the sofa. Your son's room is his personal space, whether he is sleeping in it or not. I would tell him his changing the agreement is making you feel uneasy and you'd prefer to carry on as you were without him moving in with you and your D's.

SeahorsesRock · 30/05/2023 19:22

My son is 21 lives with me, his dad has a 2 bed and a young daughter and when my son fancies staying over now and again he sleeps on the sofa. Offer that arrangement

Coffeemaniac · 30/05/2023 19:22

No, do not allow this. It’s for him to deal with and he hasn’t dealt with it himself, so he’s trying to palm it off on you. No and no.

Maighnuad · 30/05/2023 19:22

Hi
I’m sure there is lots of safe advice here. But I guess it comes down to your own DC having their own secure safe space as I am sure DSD has at their mums. It’s not a shared space and having read your messages is facilitated by by your financial position. That part would be non negotiable for me.
DSD lives close enough to not need to stay and based on previous behaviors e.g. going through her dads things she doesn’t deserve it.
beta of luck

caringcarer · 30/05/2023 19:24

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/05/2023 11:49

Bloody hell. Get a lock for your child's door. It's their bedroom, in their home. It sounds like she'd be rifling through their belongings too. You don't want your child to resent it and ask to live with their father.

Yes I'd be worried about that too. I'd just tell him no, no, no.

nottoday300 · 30/05/2023 19:30

Op sounds like he's making his dd youre problem as well ..why if you love someone would you put them (you) in that position???

Dibbydoos · 30/05/2023 19:31

I would not let anyone stay in my child's room - no way, no how. That is your DCs personal space.

WTF def don't allow this. She can sleep on the sofa if she visits if you go ahead with DP moving in. Personally I'd reconsider it...

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 19:32

Dibbydoos · 30/05/2023 19:31

I would not let anyone stay in my child's room - no way, no how. That is your DCs personal space.

WTF def don't allow this. She can sleep on the sofa if she visits if you go ahead with DP moving in. Personally I'd reconsider it...

RTFT as there are many reasons why the sofa is not a good idea at all.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 19:34

SeahorsesRock · 30/05/2023 19:22

My son is 21 lives with me, his dad has a 2 bed and a young daughter and when my son fancies staying over now and again he sleeps on the sofa. Offer that arrangement

He' s his son though- not your partner's daughter who trashes the house, smokes, gets drunk, lies in bed all day and goes through her dad's stuff.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/05/2023 19:43

You’d be mad to go through with this.

Feraldogmum · 30/05/2023 19:49

You’ve been together 5 years and he’s now moving in because you gave him an ultimatum and he was finding life with his daughter difficult. You are being used and settling for a relationship that’s so grim that lacklustre would be something to aspire to. Sorry but you know this and just need others to confirm what you already know, don’t even start me on the financial side.

Most importantly his daughter brings “ drama” how do you think that will affect your son? However good a parent you are do you really think this drama won’t end up on your doorstep, along with her and her bags and your partner begging you to let her stay.

If you let him move in,you’ve no one to blame but yourself when it goes pear shaped,are you prepared for that?

Tigger1895 · 30/05/2023 19:51

It’s your home, when you both made the decision to live together, you agreed his daughter could not live there. A few days before the move he moved the goalposts. I can’t help but think he played you and now it’s to late he thinks you’ll be forced to go along with his request. Stick to your guns and respect your child’s personal space.

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 19:57

So your partner is moving in.. who has a child. And you're not happy with your new step DC staying every other weekend? Sorry OP that is pretty much a standard. His DC will be a part of your life...

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 30/05/2023 20:00

Just no and it is not fair on tour child who’s room it is. As a teenager i would never have agreed to this. He can buy a sofa bed and she can sleep elsewhere on that. His kid want free leave to come and go after parties etc and will
most likely leave a mess and expect to mope around and be fed and generally get in the way the next day. By all means welcome every now and then but no not every other weekend. They have a home. Is this more about the mum having said no to certain behaviours so they think they will get less grief if they doss at yours?

SilverMoonNight · 30/05/2023 20:05

As loads of others have said, YANBU.
You were looking out for you and for your DC. Your DC's room is DC's room. No one else's. Not a guest room. Your DSD can sleep on the couch - when and if she comes--to visit your DP, not as a regular thing.

middleeasternpromise · 30/05/2023 20:15

It sounds like your partner has a problem with setting healthy boundaries and has been looking to you as a way out of the situation he has contributed to. His daughter may be presenting difficulties but he will also be playing a part. I would guess that he has been less than clear with her or you and now realizes that this is going to become apparent to you all and he is trying to move himself out of taking responsibility for what will happen. If he has not been clear with his daughter about what the move means for her, she may have expected that the arrangement of her staying over was on the table as an offer. His attempt to pass the responsibility to you is very unfair but could be part of a bigger pattern if you do not show him a firm boundary of your own that this is his situation to sort out not yours. This should not be a difficult conversation unless he has led his daughter to think that his decision to move in with you was not the end of him supporting her with a place to stay when she needed it. He needs to rectify that without blaming you or your child. If he cannot do so then there are other options such as staying with his daughter in a guest house/hotel on the weekends she wants to stay with him - it may take this type of hard line to help set the limits of what is being arranged here. The minute you back down this will become your problem to resolve not his.

Chocolatesandroses · 30/05/2023 20:18

YANBU you defiantly need to be firm on this otherwise I think you’re right , defiantly will be an issue in the future . As you said it’s Dc’s space and I can’t expect them liking someone else being in their room when they are not there . She’s a adult she doesn’t need to stay over to see her dad

ValerieDoonican · 30/05/2023 20:27

Serious case of goal-post moving by our DP here.

Mind you, you invited him in as a way he could escape from his terrible relationship with his daughter. Rather than, say, him trying to fix that relationship by setting some boundaries in that shared space so he didn't feel terrorised by her. Possibly a well-intentioned offer but unwise on your part.

He is still her Dad and it turns out, he still wants a relationship with her after all. Doesn't sound like either of you were thinking very clearly, if you thought this move would fix his issues. Its just a bit of a nerve shocking that he has suddenly gone back on his word, now his feet are in the door. Almost as if he never really intended set down boundaries in your place after all. Almost as if he had never managed it before and actually can't man up and be an adult with his daughter.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/05/2023 20:29

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama why do you even want to live with someone with all that baggage. This isn't going to go well.

Charlie554 · 30/05/2023 20:41

Firstly - sorry you’ve been put in the situation when this is meant to be a positive and happy time. I’d say that he should tell her that she wouldn’t be able to stay over for at least a couple of months because your DC needs time to adapt to another person living in the house . Secondly, this gives you time to discuss what happens when she does stay and what the rules are. You can talk about it and agree it and he can deliver the script. It also gives him time to buy a new sofa bed for the lounge for her to sleep on.

Maukk · 30/05/2023 20:44

Exactly!

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 30/05/2023 20:45

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 19:57

So your partner is moving in.. who has a child. And you're not happy with your new step DC staying every other weekend? Sorry OP that is pretty much a standard. His DC will be a part of your life...

Is that really your take on the situation? Maybe read OP’s posts thoroughly.

PeachyPeachTrees · 30/05/2023 20:49

Absolutely don't have him move in. The DD drama will likely cause you a lot of stress and you end up splitting up anyway but in the mean time your DC suffers.

Christiew789 · 30/05/2023 21:06

And if you allow this, she’ll now start all of that in your DC’s room. Coming over every second week she’ll start to leave things behind, treat it as her own space. Do not do this to your DC.

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