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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
YDBear · 31/05/2023 03:50

Unbelievable insanity! OP’s partner is being driven out of the shared flat by this daughter’s toxic behaviour, and now we wants to import this very behaviour into OP’s home? I wouldn’t consider it for a second. And I would consider that his wanting to do this casts a depressing light on his priorities, i.e. not OP, her DC, or the peace and quiet of her home.

Petlover9 · 31/05/2023 04:28

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/05/2023 21:10

He wants to "give it a go"? I think you need to put a stop to this right now and say you're not willing to give it a go. Your child will not be willing to have another person in his private room. I don't care if he just moved in. He needs to just move out.

My thoughts too. Tell him to rent a room in a house share or get a bed sit. I would be protecting my own interests and my child's. A small house is not suitable for two families. You are asking for trouble, he is hardly a catch, no chap is if he is over 40 without even a small house of his own. Your child needs a room that won't be invaded, put a lock on the door - better yet, help him find a place of his own.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/05/2023 05:38

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/05/2023 11:50

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more

Cross posted with this - and now he thinks he'll make it your problem instead??

He's got to be joking ...

Exactly this!!

How does he think that she'll behave differently???

user1492757084 · 31/05/2023 06:20

There is no need to try having adult DSD stay over every second weekend.
She lives so close.
Instead, invite her to Dinner once per week.
Also make sure your DP will go out late at night to drive her back safely to her own house if ever she is in need of transport and in a dangerous situation.
Give your son a lock and key to his own room and permission to lock it when he is away..

rainydaysandtuesday · 31/05/2023 06:51

Can she sleep on sofa?

Hopefully she will realise she prefers her own bed

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 06:57

rainydaysandtuesday · 31/05/2023 06:51

Can she sleep on sofa?

Hopefully she will realise she prefers her own bed

@rainydaysandtuesday have you read the thread??

Pepsi2001 · 31/05/2023 07:08

Definitely don't let him move in!!!!!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 31/05/2023 07:38

There's no way I'd be giving my dd room to anyone on a regular basis. That's 'her' space.

Sara198 · 31/05/2023 07:55

I can’t see how old your DC is but that is their room and their space they should be on the decision making too. What if they come home and stuff if moved or ruined that’s their safe space

also your right as a couple this is a decision you need to make together and both be comfortable with

if it’s a once off and your DC don’t mind that’s different to every other weekend

cakeforme · 31/05/2023 08:45

I hope things have settled after the move now for you all.

Passenger42 · 31/05/2023 08:48

There must be a suitable compromise in all this. You could allow for the step daughter to visit once a month and sleep on a camp bed or similar in the lounge. No using your child’s room.

DP can get busy and make some advance travelodge bookings if they want time alone. If she is in her twenties and wants to go out clubbing then she goes back to her Mums house and does a day visit only. I think she is looking for an escape route from her Mum who is maybe setting her own ground rules about friends sleeping over. Once she moves back to her Mum this whole coming to visit idea might fizzle out once she gets used to being back in her new home.

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 08:55

Passenger42 · Today 08:48
There must be a suitable compromise in all this. You could allow for the step daughter to visit once a month and sleep on a camp bed or similar in the lounge. No using your child’s room.

But we're talking about an ADULT daughter here, why should any sort of schedule be in place, even if it's monthly? And if the DP wants time alone with his adult daughter in a Travelodge, I would be running for the hills, that's seriously weird.

PixieLaLa · 31/05/2023 08:59

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 19:57

So your partner is moving in.. who has a child. And you're not happy with your new step DC staying every other weekend? Sorry OP that is pretty much a standard. His DC will be a part of your life...

Nice try at Step Parent bashing but maybe try reading the actual thread next time 🤣

Bogeyes · 31/05/2023 09:19

Don't let this happen. I would cancel the whole arrangement ( unless you like being unhappy)

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/05/2023 09:19

@LovelyIssues RTFT this child is actually a disruptive rude adult in their 20’s!

wellstopdoingitthen · 31/05/2023 09:43

I think he's just moving his problems into your home.

If she was coming in late, drunk & bringing in other people at his how long before she does this at yours?

What if she touches/takes your or your dc's things?

As pp has suggested, an occasional invite to dinner while your dc is home sounds a good idea. Although if it was me I would cancel the whole moving in together thing. He's not been honest.

Kitandhen · 31/05/2023 10:08

Can you tell two things how old is she and did she stay at her dads every other weekend before all this

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 10:31

The dd lived with him till he threw her out.. She is 20+..

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2023 10:33

Read her posts @Kitandhen its all in there. You don’t have to read the whole thread, just OP’s. Then you’ll save yourself the time of posting pointless questions.

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 10:35

Kitandhen · 31/05/2023 10:08

Can you tell two things how old is she and did she stay at her dads every other weekend before all this

The daughter is in her early 20s, and (please see very first post) lives with her mother.

Kitandhen · 31/05/2023 10:38

Yes I see that she lives with her Mother, what I’m asking is did she stay at dads place every other weekend, or is this a new thing ?

AlisonDonut · 31/05/2023 10:41

Kitandhen · 31/05/2023 10:38

Yes I see that she lives with her Mother, what I’m asking is did she stay at dads place every other weekend, or is this a new thing ?

You can click 'see all' and read the OPs posts which clearly already addressed this days ago.

bluebell34567 · 31/05/2023 10:47

op is gone. why people bother about it anymore i dont understand.

letmedoittoo · 31/05/2023 10:48

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

No way in this world would they be staying in my DC's room. That's their private space and it's going to cause a bust up and resentment!

Kitandhen · 31/05/2023 10:56

Why would you bring all this trouble to your door, if he wants to have his daughter every other weekend do it in your own place, do not let him move in, trouble is brewing already