Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 30/05/2023 21:10

He wants to "give it a go"? I think you need to put a stop to this right now and say you're not willing to give it a go. Your child will not be willing to have another person in his private room. I don't care if he just moved in. He needs to just move out.

DollyParkin · 30/05/2023 21:20

YANBU.

Just say NO! How will your DS feel? Your DP's daughter is really out of order, as is your DP.

INeedAnotherName · 30/05/2023 21:24

This is a very long thread so I might have missed it.

You are seeing a solicitor next week over protecting your house and which DP needs to sign BUT he's already moving in??? Good grief, he should have signed it first. I bet my pension he will keep finding excuses not to sign it. Give him one month to sign, then kick him out.

Absolutelyridiculous · 30/05/2023 21:25

Yep. I agree with other comments.
Say it's not gonna work out this . Your sons room is his room, not for boyfriends daughter to use.
It's going to cause you alot of problems.
Not to mention the extra work involved.
Presumably cleaning bedroom and bedding!
And the extra food shopping and bathroom cleaning.
Forget that. Good luck ..

GloriousD · 30/05/2023 21:26

LaDamaDeElche · 30/05/2023 20:29

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama why do you even want to live with someone with all that baggage. This isn't going to go well.

I would also be v restrictive around visits with her behaviors. If she is a drinker then only invite over for brunch etc - no evenings getting shit-faced at yours and crashing in the lounge and hanging about with a hangover the next day

Toomuchfun · 30/05/2023 21:26

Can you not set up a pull out bed in the lounge? I would hate to have someone I didn't really know sleeping in my bed in my bedroom every other weekend.
Who's going to change the sheets and wash them?
Sit down with him and tell him this will not work. He is trying to make you the bad guy setting all the rules and parenting his adult child. He doesn't want to say no to his own child or set boundaries.

Grrrrdarling · 30/05/2023 21:29

LisaD1 · 29/05/2023 11:31

It’s not too late. You risk your relationship with your son as your DP is too wet to stop his adult child taking the piss.

This would be non negotiable for me, it’s you DC’s room, whether he’s in it or not.

This ☝

CantGetDecentNickname · 30/05/2023 21:37

Please put your DC first as this is his home and you’ve already moved your DP into his life. The second she brings any drama into your home (and she will) that’s it, she’s no longer welcome and if he doesn’t like it, he can go too. Your home, your rules.

You agreed to your DP moving in as you are in a relationship. You didn’t agree to house a woman in her 20s with a good job who was about to buy her own place. No way should she be allowed near your DCs room and make a point of locking his room and your valuables and important papers away when she comes.

Riverlee · 30/05/2023 21:49

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 19:57

So your partner is moving in.. who has a child. And you're not happy with your new step DC staying every other weekend? Sorry OP that is pretty much a standard. His DC will be a part of your life...

You don’t expect an adult stepdaughter who lives five miles away to stay every other weekend.

Grrrrdarling · 30/05/2023 21:54

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 18:48

I reminded him of his own reasons why he did not want that to happen. I also told him that I liked my own space, it would impact the time we had alone and that it wouldn't work. He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

Show quote history

Having read all your comments & replies OP the simple thing that needs to happen here is your partner need to cut the apron strings with his adult child.
She needs to learn to stand in her own two feet, stop mooching off other people & grow up!
Wish I had a parent I could call & talk to about my problems so one that could or would support me financially would be amazing & she is seriously taking him for granted!

NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 21:55

Riverlee · 30/05/2023 21:49

You don’t expect an adult stepdaughter who lives five miles away to stay every other weekend.

Show quote history

Quite

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 21:57

@Riverlee regular adult 'sleepovers' are not in any way standard. You know the C in DC stands for child, right?

helpplease01 · 30/05/2023 22:09

RED FLAG!!!!
Put the breaks on NOW.

CabernetSauvignon · 30/05/2023 22:13

helpplease01 · 30/05/2023 22:09

RED FLAG!!!!
Put the breaks on NOW.

What should we break?

changeme4this · 30/05/2023 22:14

If you relent and allow that girl even 1 night in your child’s room, she will be fiddling with everything in there and it’s an invasion of your child’s privacy.

you are being manipulated by your partner’s timing. He dropped this on you last night. And I will almost guarantee if he felt under pressure before, it will be twofold once he has moved in.

you must tell him that you are not agreeable to his suggestion (demand) last night, there is not enough room and you will not have anyone in your child’s room regardless, however if he would like to fund a larger property for all of you, you are happy to go to the viewings and plan on renting out your own property, to assist with its mortgage liability.

but I’m really suss that he raised a deposit for a home purchase for his DD via credit cards, yet cannot afford his own dwelling. The banks would have looked where the deposit was coming from and the DD’s ability to make the repayments not having put the deposit together herself….

you also say your appointment is with the solicitor next week, I thought with cohabitation agreements they had to be signed off before the other party moved in?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 30/05/2023 22:24

It’s your DC’s room. How horrible to have a strange adult in her space every time she leaves. Sleeping in her bed and potentially snooping through and using her stuff! No way!
Visiting Adult can have the sofa.

AnnieSnap · 30/05/2023 22:27

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 19:57

So your partner is moving in.. who has a child. And you're not happy with your new step DC staying every other weekend? Sorry OP that is pretty much a standard. His DC will be a part of your life...

Hi child is in her 20s and they don’t have a spare room!

NosyHamster · 30/05/2023 22:53

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 21:57

@Riverlee regular adult 'sleepovers' are not in any way standard. You know the C in DC stands for child, right?

Nope, they’re not standard, normal or healthy.

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 23:28

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 18:48

I reminded him of his own reasons why he did not want that to happen. I also told him that I liked my own space, it would impact the time we had alone and that it wouldn't work. He then said we needed to try it. He did not want to fall out with her. She is his daughter and he's still a dad blah blah blah.

Show quote history

But you’ve told him this isn’t happening, right? Not that you don’t want it to happen, but that this is not happening in your home, and that your son’s room is not DP’s to give away every other weekend. I thought you said upthread that you weren’t going to go along with this.

pollymere · 30/05/2023 23:38

Invest in a decent sofa bed. If she stays over, she can sleep on the sofa, not in your DC's room. We did this with guests and it worked fine.

MzHz · 30/05/2023 23:40

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 19:57

So your partner is moving in.. who has a child. And you're not happy with your new step DC staying every other weekend? Sorry OP that is pretty much a standard. His DC will be a part of your life...

With respect @LovelyIssues , you’re an idiot.

chaosmaker · 30/05/2023 23:41

I wouldn't have her in the house. You said that her father was moving in part to get away from the drama. Now, it seems, he wants to bring it with him. He can meet her outside your house at least until she gets her own place. It seems from what you've written about her that she's jealous about any time you've spent together so moving in together is only going to make that worse. So I definitely wouldn't be having her in my house or giving him a key as I think she'd be after him for her own key asap.

viques · 30/05/2023 23:48

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 19:57

So your partner is moving in.. who has a child. And you're not happy with your new step DC staying every other weekend? Sorry OP that is pretty much a standard. His DC will be a part of your life...

The twenty something who refused to work, gets drunk, throws up, brings home random strangers, is rude and disrespectful? And who only lives five miles away so could get an Uber home if she wanted to?

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 31/05/2023 00:18

No nope not in a million years

N8mech8nge · 31/05/2023 00:30

My dear. Like it or not….His playing you, this so called adult daughter that has all these ideas about your home i fear did not just come to these conclusions alone, and i think if you are honest to yourself i think you know that too, him not living with you was or is attributing to the break down or almost on the edge of a mental health breakdown?!? Sorry give me break!! Call me cynical but he has an idea or a perceived opinion…my unasked for opinion girl if it ain’t broke don’t try to fix it the world is your oyster and you’ve come toooo far to let some bloke mess with your emotions and your home as well!! It’s never too late to step, take a break, a strong breather, clear your air and see if this is what you truly want? I’d this guy actually serious? His already bringing far to much baggage to your table that you built. Please be kind to yourself and your DC.xx