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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 30/05/2023 12:35

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 20:08

When she turns up op you go out and leave them to it. And when he realises it won't be you hosting he may change his mind.. And certainly no adult fun when she is there... Make sure the fridge is empty also. He is a prize twat. But you are ultimately a mug for allowing this to happen.

You're seriously suggesting she leaves her own home so that he can have his daughter to stay?

viques · 30/05/2023 13:17

Since the partner will only be paying 50/50 living expenses it seems reasonable to me to say that he can spend some of the money he is no longer paying on rent to pay for a cheap hotel room for the nights when his feral daughter is too bladdered to get herself home.

viques · 30/05/2023 13:22

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 30/05/2023 09:19

Anyone think op isn't responding as she is making breakfast for the 2 cheeky fuckers?

To be fair, she is probably only making breakfast for one cheeky fucker, the other one probably hasn’t got out of her fetid pit yet and anyway will have a raging hangover so will only need copious glasses of water and a cigarette. (Though a nice greasy fry up - preferably served cold with congealed bacon fat and dried up baked beans - waved in front of her might persuade her to not stay over again .)

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 13:29

viques · 30/05/2023 13:17

Since the partner will only be paying 50/50 living expenses it seems reasonable to me to say that he can spend some of the money he is no longer paying on rent to pay for a cheap hotel room for the nights when his feral daughter is too bladdered to get herself home.

No need! The D is in a well paid job and was about to buy a house (until she pulled out) so she can damn well pay for her own hotel or an Uber- she only lives 5 miles away!

viques · 30/05/2023 13:33

DeliciouslyDecadent · 30/05/2023 13:29

No need! The D is in a well paid job and was about to buy a house (until she pulled out) so she can damn well pay for her own hotel or an Uber- she only lives 5 miles away!

Show quote history

Well obviously she could. But since the partner seems determined to prove himself Father of the Year maybe he could be the one to take the financial hit.

Flossyhair · 30/05/2023 14:41

It wouldnt surprise me if she will make that room her own in no time.

It is never too late to say no. Even if you say it is NOT happening, that room belongs to your son and that is the end of it. Put a lock on the door for when he is not there.

And if that doesn't suit your partner, then he either organises meeting at a travel lodge or the offer to move in no longer stands.

Your son comes first and that includes his privacy, his room and his personal space.

Hairpinleg · 30/05/2023 14:42

The boyfriend will probably use the fact that he's paying rent (supposedly) to tell the OP that he's therefore 'entitled' to use half the house and has a half share in her son's bedroom now.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 30/05/2023 14:45

He has this ideal that op will be playing host to his dd whilst he sits back with 2 adoring women hanging on his every word. Op leaving them to it will crash that theory... He can cook and clean for his dd. Unless op steps up and gets him out.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/05/2023 15:27

I have a feeling OP is long gone. It was 'moving day', he's given up his rental, and I doubt she was planning on meeting him on her doorstep and telling him she'd changed her mind.

It would be very hard to come back to this thread and say "He's moved in. I can only hope for the best" when I'm sure she knows deep down that she's just landed herself in a steaming pile of poo.

Good luck @Sampron20 . Just remember it is never too late to change your mind and you don't 'owe' him a place in your home.

PixieLaLa · 30/05/2023 15:49

I can’t understand why you wouldn’t just say NO. If he’s changing the plans then he’s not moving in, even if he had already unpacked that should be a deal breaker and off he fucks….

It’s one thing to be a pushover but when it will also impact the wellbeing of your child that’s not OK.

dcthatsme · 30/05/2023 18:05

I don't think it's fair for your DC to have to give up their room to your partner's adult child. I think it's important for your DC to have continuity and stability. It sounds as though your partner's child will not respect your DC's space. Do you have a sofa bed in the house that they can use now and again instead? I think it's pretty dodgy if your DP was moving out to avoid his grown-up child who is now pursuing him into his new home (or did I misunderstand) and trying to strongarm you both. I would be very concerned about this about turn at such a late stage and I think you both need extra time to make sure you're on the same page. Even if your DP is giving up his place etc etc. Even if you decide to delay moving in together. Your child's mental health and well-being is too important. Good luck!

AnnieSnap · 30/05/2023 18:12

@Sampron20 It sounds like you are handling your situation well. You certainly have your head screwed on. Just hang firm. He’ll probably be glad you did in the end and if he isn’t, well I guess he can get his own place again and let her move back in. Good luck with it all 💪

Isinglass20 · 30/05/2023 18:22

Sampron20
I agree. You knew all this and still went ahead. Are you mad?

Reigateforever · 30/05/2023 18:22

I think you should mention all the new facts to your solicitor, to have this clarified into the lodging agreement so that if there is a problem in the future you will not be blamed for making people homeless. Write your Will out at the same time passing everything to your DC, who personally I feel very sorry for. It only costs £150. I would not like someone sleeping in my bed or looking at my personal objects. Your partner not only got his foot in the door but everything else he was ‘trying’ to leave behind into your home. Please be very careful. Maybe have a friend go with you so as not to forget any details.

ChrisTrepidation · 30/05/2023 18:22

@AnnieSnap Handling it well would have been telling the cheeky bastard he was no longer moving in.

As it stands op has just welcomed a whole world of stress and annoyance into her house!

Twazique · 30/05/2023 18:32

My next door neighbour had her partner move in with her last year. He moved out within a month as it just didn't work. He was without a home for a while but it wasn't her responsibility. It was her home and she absolutely did the right thing.

AnnieSnap · 30/05/2023 18:43

ChrisTrepidation · 30/05/2023 18:22

@AnnieSnap Handling it well would have been telling the cheeky bastard he was no longer moving in.

As it stands op has just welcomed a whole world of stress and annoyance into her house!

I disagree. She wants to live with him. Their relationship is good, but he is weak in his responses to his daughter. There are bumps in the road in even the best relationship. Most of us try to find a happy way forward, rather than end an otherwise happy relationship!

Sarahmille80 · 30/05/2023 18:46

YANBU! It’s your DC’s room and yes if DSD wants to stay occasionally on the sofa then fair enough but he’s every other weekend is a bit much. It’s not too late to change your mind.

RobinStrike · 30/05/2023 18:49

OP, you haven’t mentioned whether your DC likes DP, what did they think about him moving in. Have DC and DSD met each other?
As an adult child maybe DP can meet DSD one evening a week for a meal /drink/cinema ? Sometimes a meal at home with everyone, sometimes time on their own together which would give you and DC time on your own together too. Sunday lunch occasionally for all the family -sometimes a weekend with DC, sometimes not. Have a lock on DC’s door whenever they are not home. When parents downsize adult children often don’t have a bedroom to stay in, especially as they live so close. She absolutely doesn’t need to stay overnight.
Nothing in what you have written suggests that your DC has a relationship with your DP or DSD, or that you have any relationship with DSD. You are not a family in any real sense, still 2 households. It does seem like you need to keep it that way and ask DP to find somewhere else.

RobinStrike · 30/05/2023 18:52

He can be a real Dad to an adult daughter without offering her your DC's bedroom.

Sennelier1 · 30/05/2023 18:52

I have the impression she wants a free hotel/B&B one in two week-ends and I would most def. say no. I suspect she will expect you to provide clean sheets and towels every time, maybe some laundry she needs done, and then several meals. No what I say is absolutely nót about the money but about the energy and the love you put into it! And of course your own child has the full rights on his own room even of he's out for a week-end!

Sennelier1 · 30/05/2023 19:01

"We" don't need to try it, but maybe he does. Don't move in together, let him rent for his own, and then let him have daughter over every other week-end. See how that goes.

yphtutor · 30/05/2023 19:02

No no no you must lay down your ground rules now before it’s too late. If you aren’t comfortable you have to say so now, be brave no none likes confrontation but this situation looks fraught with tension and problems. Good luck 🤞

GloriousD · 30/05/2023 19:03

I bet he struck a deal with his ex wife that if she took their adult daughter back he would have her EOW - but he didn’t tell the OP this…..

ArsMamatoria · 30/05/2023 19:09

DP and his daughter are cuckoos and your child is the little chick they'll be ejecting from the nest.

Don't be a fool.