Page 4 | It's a grandparents one. Food.

DataNotLore · 2023-05-29T07:58:29+00:00

I'm incredibly lucky to have regular, free childcare from grandparents (my parents). They also come over quite often at other times. The problem is that they constantly feed my DS rubbish as "treats". Cakes, biscuits, sweets endlessly. They see him two or three times a week so it's building up. He's six and there's been a letter home saying that he's overweight. I don't buy this kind've food and I'm getting him more exercise. My parents think that the letter is wrong and I'm just being precious. Anybody else dealt with this? Argh!

hiredandsqueak · 29/05/2023 11:31

I do childcare for dgs when he's not at pre school now that he is approaching four. Dd has the everything in moderation approach so has never suggested what I can or can't feed him. I never have sweets here and never buy him any if we are out as it's just something that's never on my radar and tbf he never asks for sweets probably because he considers it not to be something I do.
I'm also a negelectful granny in so far as I don't offer him a snack purely because I didn't used to feed his mama snacks either and that has stuck. If he says he's hungry close to a meal time I give him his meal early if it's a wait for a meal I tend to offer him the fruit bowl. I do love to bake though so after lunch he always gets either a piece of cake or his favourite puddings, fruit crumble or sponge and custard.
I tend to tell dd what meal is planned when she drops him off and she adjusts what she feeds him accordingly.
I think you might need to either look for alternative childcare if you can't adjust his intake at yours to allow for the excess he eats at his grandparents..

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:33

Surprised at the comments saying just two snacks a week. OP has consistently pointed out it's an afternoon of non-stop junk, and then not eating a proper meal

The snacks OP listed is hardly an "afternoon of non-stop junk".

It's a chocolate yogurt
Apple crumble and custard for dessert
Polos
A small fudge bar
And fruit juice

I wouldn't classify fruit juice or dessert as a snack, and polos are hardly filling, so that leaves a yoghurt and a fudge bar - it's really not masses of food.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 29/05/2023 11:34

I'd definitely tell them that if they can't respect your wishes and prioritise his health over their need to feed, that unsupervised access will have to stop.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 11:37

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:11

That's two dinners per week that he won't eat because he's full of biscuit. Add in another one when the grandparents come around on the weekend and leave packets of lollies. That's half the week!

It's not half the meals in a week - it's two meals and one snack per week. Of course biscuits instead of dinner isn't ideal but it would be worse if he was eating both. When they visit at the weekends OP doesn't have to give her son the lollies or donuts either - just because they're in the cupboard doesn't mean they need to be eaten.

Plus, lunch is usually school lunches or the one type of ham sandwich that the kid does eat, so not great anyway. It adds up really quickly.

OP is the one responsible for his lunches though so that's a totally separate issue to what the grandparents feed him.

They're responsible for two meals and one snack per week from what I can see - the other nineteen meals and snacks are down to OP and her husband.

I'm not saying what they're doing is ideal but I would look closer to home first before potentially ruining a great relationship over a couple of chocolate muffins.

It's actually worse if he's not eating both because he's missing out on the actual nutritional value of that food.

The occasional chocolate muffin is not a problem. It's when it's 3 or 4 days a week that it becomes unremitting.

Also, why should OP have to be the bad guy? Why is it OP who has to manage the whining at home because she's the one who has to either say no or throw out the ultra processed sugar in the cupboard? Why is it the OP who has to be the bad guy and stop the after school visits?

user7637292 · 29/05/2023 11:38

No useful advice but this would drive me nuts.

Overweight children is a huge problem and it's very sad.

If they can't respect your wishes, you might need to start paying for childcare elsewhere.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:41

It's actually worse if he's not eating both because he's missing out on the actual nutritional value of that food.

I meant in terms of calories, not nutrients.

The occasional chocolate muffin is not a problem. It's when it's 3 or 4 days a week that it becomes unremitting.

But it's not 3-4 days a week. They do childcare twice a week after school and then visit at weekends when OP is around and able to say no?

Also, why should OP have to be the bad guy? Why is it OP who has to manage the whining at home because she's the one who has to either say no or throw out the ultra processed sugar in the cupboard? Why is it the OP who has to be the bad guy and stop the after school visits?

Because at the end of true day, she's his parent and the buck stops with her (and his dad).

My grandparents were always giving me junk or chocolate at that age and it lived in the cupboard until my parents said I was allowed it - just because it's there doesn't mean it needs to be eaten right away.

If she's not happy with the free childcare her parents provide then she needs to pay someone to do it.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 11:44

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:33

Surprised at the comments saying just two snacks a week. OP has consistently pointed out it's an afternoon of non-stop junk, and then not eating a proper meal

The snacks OP listed is hardly an "afternoon of non-stop junk".

It's a chocolate yogurt
Apple crumble and custard for dessert
Polos
A small fudge bar
And fruit juice

I wouldn't classify fruit juice or dessert as a snack, and polos are hardly filling, so that leaves a yoghurt and a fudge bar - it's really not masses of food.

One of those things is a treat in my house, and my kids are very tall, very active, and solidly built with normal bmi for age). All of that regularly three times a week isn't great.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 11:47

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:41

It's actually worse if he's not eating both because he's missing out on the actual nutritional value of that food.

I meant in terms of calories, not nutrients.

The occasional chocolate muffin is not a problem. It's when it's 3 or 4 days a week that it becomes unremitting.

But it's not 3-4 days a week. They do childcare twice a week after school and then visit at weekends when OP is around and able to say no?

Also, why should OP have to be the bad guy? Why is it OP who has to manage the whining at home because she's the one who has to either say no or throw out the ultra processed sugar in the cupboard? Why is it the OP who has to be the bad guy and stop the after school visits?

Because at the end of true day, she's his parent and the buck stops with her (and his dad).

My grandparents were always giving me junk or chocolate at that age and it lived in the cupboard until my parents said I was allowed it - just because it's there doesn't mean it needs to be eaten right away.

If she's not happy with the free childcare her parents provide then she needs to pay someone to do it.

No, a person looking after a child needs to take reasonable responsibility for the child's health and well-being while they are in their care. They are putting OP in the position in which she has to parent her parents along with her child.

cannaecookrisotto · 29/05/2023 11:48

I'm usually one to say "pick your battles" where grandparents and treats are concerned but if you've had a letter home to say he's overweight then it directly concerns his health, therefore YWNBU to ask them to cut down dramatically.

There's loads of snacks that are healthy but taste really nice, maybe give them a list of what he can have, or you provide the food for when he's there and they stick to that.

My Nan is the same with my 6 year old, I don't bother because she's built like a twig but it really is a grandparent thing!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:51

No, a person looking after a child needs to take reasonable responsibility for the child's health and well-being while they are in their care. They are putting OP in the position in which she has to parent her parents along with her child.

OP is the parent. Ultimately the buck stops with her.

If she's not happy with the regular free childcare her parents are providing, then she can use organised, paid childcare where she gets to set the rules.

At the end of the day, her parents are offering X for free. If she's not happy with X then she needs to pay for Y elsewhere, not complain about the free stuff.

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 11:52

DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 11:14

One snack??!

If only!

In one evening after school:

Chocolate corner yogurt
Fudge bar
Apple pie and custard after dinner
Polos
Juice

He may or not eat the dinner.

Show quote history

Then they'd only be seeing him at my house and the crap food they brought would mostly (I'd keep a couple of small bars of choc) would end up in the bin

Chamomileteaplease · 29/05/2023 11:52

It's such a shame that your husband is not in agreement with you on this really important issue.

I am completely on your side with this. I think all you can do is sit down with your parents and tell them that whilst they might not agree, that it is a very important issue for you and you will seriously stop their childcare if they do not agree to listen to you and take your concerns seriously.

Do you have any other family who is sensible who they might listen to?

I hope they listen and change their behaviour. Very difficult situation.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:53

One of those things is a treat in my house, and my kids are very tall, very active, and solidly built with normal bmi for age). All of that regularly three times a week isn't great

Each to their own but I don't see fruit juice or apple crumble as a treat - they're normal parts of a healthy diet.

Polos - meh, neither here nor there really unless he's eating packet after packet.

The yoghurt and the chocolate bar - not great but not something I would kick off about either. As I said if OP isn't happy then she can pay for childcare can't she?

Cherryblossoms85 · 29/05/2023 11:57

Normally with these threads I think parents are being a bit precious, but if he's overweight you need to stop your parents doing this. It puts him at significant risk of lifelong weight issues. Kids don't need endless snacks or treats. Try raspberries if needed, most kids love them as a treat. Mind you, one of my boys was slightly overweight when he started school, in the end he found the school healthy eating curriculum and emphasis on exercise so interesting that he'd run laps of the garden and would ask me what was in the food. Skinny as a rake at 7!

Flossflower · 29/05/2023 12:04

The grandparents are in the wrong. I am a grandmother and if my children request something I do it. I have once made a mistake with diet. My child just laughed but I will make an effort not to do it again!

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 12:07

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:53

One of those things is a treat in my house, and my kids are very tall, very active, and solidly built with normal bmi for age). All of that regularly three times a week isn't great

Each to their own but I don't see fruit juice or apple crumble as a treat - they're normal parts of a healthy diet.

Polos - meh, neither here nor there really unless he's eating packet after packet.

The yoghurt and the chocolate bar - not great but not something I would kick off about either. As I said if OP isn't happy then she can pay for childcare can't she?

Polos are basically pure sugar with a bit of flavouring.

The occasional juice is fine, but water should be the main drink.

I wouldn't have an issue with any of those things occasionally. It's all of it at once on half of the days of the week that's the issue.

Yes, OP can afford childcare, but I would bet that her parents give her a lot of grief when she brings that up. Her parents WANT to spend time with their grandson.

Atnilpoe · 29/05/2023 12:08

Ok, I’ve done something really sad here, but bear with me. These are the calories for the list @DataNotLore gave which so many think is “fine”.

Fudge bar - 98 calories
Mullet corner chocolate yoghurt - 210 calories
Apple crumble -300 - 600 calories
Polos - 139 calories
200ml fruit juice - 95

At a conservative estimate the “extras” he was given was 842 calories - that’s over half the calories he needs in a day, without counting any of the other actual meals he had. It is very easy to see how this replicated twice a week could lead to being over weight.

None of it is terrible in isolation, but having it ALL is too much. Slightly baffled that so many can’t see this, you’re totally right, OP.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 12:09

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:51

No, a person looking after a child needs to take reasonable responsibility for the child's health and well-being while they are in their care. They are putting OP in the position in which she has to parent her parents along with her child.

OP is the parent. Ultimately the buck stops with her.

If she's not happy with the regular free childcare her parents are providing, then she can use organised, paid childcare where she gets to set the rules.

At the end of the day, her parents are offering X for free. If she's not happy with X then she needs to pay for Y elsewhere, not complain about the free stuff.

Bringing food into the house that you know that the parent is going to have to say no to is incredibly rude.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 12:17

Atnilpoe · 29/05/2023 12:08

Ok, I’ve done something really sad here, but bear with me. These are the calories for the list @DataNotLore gave which so many think is “fine”.

Fudge bar - 98 calories
Mullet corner chocolate yoghurt - 210 calories
Apple crumble -300 - 600 calories
Polos - 139 calories
200ml fruit juice - 95

At a conservative estimate the “extras” he was given was 842 calories - that’s over half the calories he needs in a day, without counting any of the other actual meals he had. It is very easy to see how this replicated twice a week could lead to being over weight.

None of it is terrible in isolation, but having it ALL is too much. Slightly baffled that so many can’t see this, you’re totally right, OP.

I think it really needed to be said. It shows how unrealistic "you must need to compensate at home" comments are.

LynetteScavo · 29/05/2023 12:23

I was saying to DH recently that by the time we are grandparents sugar will be considered so harmful that grandparents will be banned from giving biscuits and cakes to their grandchildren.

I'd definitely tell them that if they can't respect your wishes and prioritise his health over their need to feed, that unsupervised access will have to stop.

But I see it's already a thing - no unsupervised access of a grandchild being advised due to sugar feeding.

It's not so long ago that I would sit in a room full of my grandfathers pipe smoke, munching my grandmothers chocolate brownies, and be given a brandy to settle my stomach.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 12:23

Bringing food into the house that you know that the parent is going to have to say no to is incredibly rude.

I really don't agree, sorry.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 12:27

Yes, OP can afford childcare, but I would bet that her parents give her a lot of grief when she brings that up. Her parents WANT to spend time with their grandson.

They can see him at weekends then - they don't need to see him during the week as well. It's not compulsory and won't somehow destroy their relationship if it stops.

Ultimately OP can't force her parents to do anything. If she's not happy with the care their provide then she'll need to go elsewhere.

My in-laws care for our dog for free while we work - if I'm not happy with how they do that then I have the option to pay for daycare. What I wouldn't do is complain about someone offering me free care and saving me a small fortune.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 12:30

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 12:23

Bringing food into the house that you know that the parent is going to have to say no to is incredibly rude.

I really don't agree, sorry.

So, someone has asked you not to bring certain types of food into the house because they are causing issues (health and whining) and you still do it? Really?!

Simianwalk · 29/05/2023 12:36

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 11:53

One of those things is a treat in my house, and my kids are very tall, very active, and solidly built with normal bmi for age). All of that regularly three times a week isn't great

Each to their own but I don't see fruit juice or apple crumble as a treat - they're normal parts of a healthy diet.

Polos - meh, neither here nor there really unless he's eating packet after packet.

The yoghurt and the chocolate bar - not great but not something I would kick off about either. As I said if OP isn't happy then she can pay for childcare can't she?

Obesity and diabetes crisis summed up in one post. Over a week that would be ok a day. Fuck that.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 12:39

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 12:27

Yes, OP can afford childcare, but I would bet that her parents give her a lot of grief when she brings that up. Her parents WANT to spend time with their grandson.

They can see him at weekends then - they don't need to see him during the week as well. It's not compulsory and won't somehow destroy their relationship if it stops.

Ultimately OP can't force her parents to do anything. If she's not happy with the care their provide then she'll need to go elsewhere.

My in-laws care for our dog for free while we work - if I'm not happy with how they do that then I have the option to pay for daycare. What I wouldn't do is complain about someone offering me free care and saving me a small fortune.

But putting him in after school care due to this issue IS making a point in the same way that complaining is.