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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a grandparents one. Food.

180 replies

DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 08:58

I'm incredibly lucky to have regular, free childcare from grandparents (my parents).

They also come over quite often at other times.

The problem is that they constantly feed my DS rubbish as "treats".

Cakes, biscuits, sweets endlessly.

They see him two or three times a week so it's building up.

He's six and there's been a letter home saying that he's overweight.

I don't buy this kind've food and I'm getting him more exercise.

My parents think that the letter is wrong and I'm just being precious.

Anybody else dealt with this? Argh!

OP posts:
Original poster
DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 09:35

It's also the stuff they buy- they'll leave a massive tray of doughnuts in the cupboard when they leave for example.

I then have hours/days of pestering because he knows they're there.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 29/05/2023 09:36

Sissynova · 29/05/2023 09:34

You do need to also look at his diet the rest of the week. You don’t become overweight from 2 days a week so you need to look at how the family eats the rest of the time, how often he snacks, how active you all are as a family etc.

If you don’t want him to eat cake ultimately it’s your child but you don’t get overweight having a couple of treats a week.

Well yes a few treats at granny's isn't going to pile on the weight.

Mrsjayy · 29/05/2023 09:36

DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 09:35

It's also the stuff they buy- they'll leave a massive tray of doughnuts in the cupboard when they leave for example.

I then have hours/days of pestering because he knows they're there.

Bin them or just say no.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 09:36

DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 09:35

It's also the stuff they buy- they'll leave a massive tray of doughnuts in the cupboard when they leave for example.

I then have hours/days of pestering because he knows they're there.

That one's easy. Take them to the food bank.

SoShallINever · 29/05/2023 09:41

This is awful, sit them both down and tell them that it has to stop or you will use alternative childcare. The health of your child comes first.

Minfilia · 29/05/2023 09:42

Henowner · 29/05/2023 09:20

I had this issue with my mil. I have to say that eventually my child realised that it wasn't a great idea to stuff himself with shit food at her house. He's 17 now and is sugar free. When he turns down her treat food she moans at him and looks appalled! He just laughs at her. So it might sort itself out eventually 😊

Agree with this.

We had your scenario with DHs parents too OP. Two out of three of them are healthy gym bunnies now. The other still has an appalling diet tbh and rarely sees a vegetable but he’s 20 so that’s his choice.

They fed the kids chocolate all day and then thought a bowl of plain pasta with no sauce was an acceptable meal because it was what the DC wanted. It then made it difficult for me to feed them healthier food at home because they’d turn their nose up at it and cry!

I do not miss those days!

Atnilpoe · 29/05/2023 09:42

Surprised at all the people saying two days a week won’t make a difference…if you significantly overeat two days a week of course that can make you put on weight!

Bathintheshed · 29/05/2023 09:44

I think if it's at a point where it is affecting his health then you need to put a stop to it and use paid childcare. They're not willing to look after him properly.

towriteyoumustlive · 29/05/2023 09:44

DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 09:35

It's also the stuff they buy- they'll leave a massive tray of doughnuts in the cupboard when they leave for example.

I then have hours/days of pestering because he knows they're there.

They sound like my inlaws!! Their house has cupboards full of junk! It's no wonder they are both overweight!

They used to turn up here with loads of junk and I was the mean parent who said no and denied them treating their grandchildren.

I put my foot down as DS2 has an issue with his teeth and cannot have sugary snacks and eventually they actually listened! Now they arrive with fruit for puddings and a toy instead!

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 29/05/2023 09:45

What planet are your parents on?
Everyone knows that sugar is bad, not only health wise but for teeth as well.
You need to tell your parents, in no uncertain terms, that they are not to feed your son sweets, cakes, biscuits etc any more.
Actually, just because you say so……
If they come back at you, repeat again until they know you are serious, you are the child’s Mother and what you say goes….. ok
This is coming from a very hands on Grandmother of five….

Moosethroat · 29/05/2023 09:45

Is he overweight though? Not by the scales, but visually? My son would be classed as 'slightly overweight' with the BMI however he 'appears' thin. It's because he is incredibly lean for his age with a lot of muscle mass due to playing sports and genetics. I am actually overweight for real, not by a huge margin but enough for me to be on a diet, but if I lose enough to be in the 'healthy bmi' I look very skinny and malnourished so I won't be doing that (lost a lot of weight before and was in the healthy bmi range, top end, but looked sick) Just losing enough to not hate myself when I look in the mirror.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 29/05/2023 09:48

@DataNotLore Please do not stop them from seeing DS due to this, terrible advice. DS will not understand why and he may think he has been 'naughty' for eating sweets. I am an ED survivor and it is really, really important not to make food into a thing with DCs. I would say to your DPs, 'I know you love DS and we love you, but it's really important that DS learns balance re treats, so can you help by just giving a dessert after lunch or cake and sandwiches as tea, but nothing in between meals.'

GiltEdges · 29/05/2023 09:50

DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 09:35

It's also the stuff they buy- they'll leave a massive tray of doughnuts in the cupboard when they leave for example.

I then have hours/days of pestering because he knows they're there.

Bin them. It's not difficult. And pay for childcare.

GiltEdges · 29/05/2023 09:52

Atnilpoe · 29/05/2023 09:42

Surprised at all the people saying two days a week won’t make a difference…if you significantly overeat two days a week of course that can make you put on weight!

But OP also says they'll feed him e.g. a chocolate muffin and then he won't eat his main meal. So he isn't necessarily over eating, he's self regulating. Far more likely if he's actually overweight that his eating across the board is excessive and OP would do well to look at what she feeds him, and whether portion sizes etc are appropriate for his age.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 29/05/2023 09:53

Could a compromise be that you control what happens in your house and you let them control what happens in their house?

So a tray of doughnuts - honestly goes straight into the bin. Don't leave temptation lying around. Don't give into pester power.

And maybe sign the DCs up for an activity club during the GP's time? They can get the fun of watching them running around at gymnastics or football or whatever, which means the snack is 'earned' and cuts down on feeding time.

Honestly, i get you - my DDad is a feeder but he never came to our house so the volume of sugar over the week felt manageable.

chaosmaker · 29/05/2023 10:07

What did they feed you as a child, @DataNotLore? Was it a load of junk and why so different now? As to leaving a load of junk, tell them not to as you'll just bin it. I'd honestly give them a final warning and then get some childcare instead where hopefully your dietary choices for him will be taken into account.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 10:10

Atnilpoe · 29/05/2023 09:42

Surprised at all the people saying two days a week won’t make a difference…if you significantly overeat two days a week of course that can make you put on weight!

But he's at school five days a week so the two days they do have him is presumably for after-school care.

A couple of days a week of snacks after school isn't going to cause a massive issue as long as the rest of his diet is healthy and he's getting plenty of exercise.

TheMooney · 29/05/2023 10:15

GiltEdges · 29/05/2023 09:52

But OP also says they'll feed him e.g. a chocolate muffin and then he won't eat his main meal. So he isn't necessarily over eating, he's self regulating. Far more likely if he's actually overweight that his eating across the board is excessive and OP would do well to look at what she feeds him, and whether portion sizes etc are appropriate for his age.

Show quote history

Over eating with regard to calories is very easy to do that with highly processed foods.

Having a muffin instead of a meal also means that he won't be getting iron and other nutrients that he should be getting in that meal.

Beeinalily · 29/05/2023 10:16

Have you told them about the letter, OP? If you pretend a bit of ignorance and get together with them to solve the problem they'll probably get on board, I think.

JudyBlumesBlubber · 29/05/2023 10:17

I would big up the letter from school - say that there could be consequences if the entire family don’t sort it out and that it can’t be ignored.

My own views on this have changed as I used to be critical of family who have the kids homemade cake after each meal. Now i would be more relaxed about homemade stuff, it’s the UPF that bothers me. Maybe settle on them baking and eating that cake together so it is an activity and act of love rather than mindless gorging. Or teach your parents to do strawberries dipped in yogurt or melted dark chocolate- a little goes a long way - or to make diluted juice ice lollies. The majority of British kids get 80% of their calories from UPF and that’s the main issue here.

I would also look closely at your DH too. Is he bringing your DC out for cake and hot chocolate (1000 calories) at any point? Surprised he is relaxed and as others say, it doesn’t add up if your son only sees GPs twice a week.

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 10:19

DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 09:35

It's also the stuff they buy- they'll leave a massive tray of doughnuts in the cupboard when they leave for example.

I then have hours/days of pestering because he knows they're there.

Put them in the bin. Preferably in front of them. Did they feed you crap when you were growing up?

Is there an after school club he can do? So they don't have him so much.

Softoprider · 29/05/2023 10:21

I would suggest that you show the grandparents the letter so they know it is not just you bringing this up

Original poster
DataNotLore · 29/05/2023 10:21

They know about the letter.

I'm the only person who believed it.

OP posts:
TheMooney · 29/05/2023 10:21

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/05/2023 10:10

But he's at school five days a week so the two days they do have him is presumably for after-school care.

A couple of days a week of snacks after school isn't going to cause a massive issue as long as the rest of his diet is healthy and he's getting plenty of exercise.

Show quote history

That's two dinners per week that he won't eat because he's full of biscuit. Add in another one when the grandparents come around on the weekend and leave packets of lollies. That's half the week!

Plus, lunch is usually school lunches or the one type of ham sandwich that the kid does eat, so not great anyway. It adds up really quickly. I've been there!

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 10:22

Give them one more chance then you'll have to go paid childcare