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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to eat out when on a trip/outing?

209 replies

CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 14:12

I sometimes go out with a friend , either day trips or sometimes overnight. We have similar interests so enjoy visiting museums, stately homes, nature reserves, garden centres etc.

As Summer approaches we tend to do more trips together but one issue that arises is that I love to eat out in nice cafes and restaurants and my friend thinks it's a waste of money and always wants to have a picnic instead. She's quite comfortable financially so it isn't an issue of money, she just thinks it's a waste of money.

I'm happy to compromise and have a picnic now and again but I don't want to do it all of the time plus she hates eating outdoors because of the insects so she always wants to eat in the car which does not have the same appeal.

I'm quite happy to buy lunch for her but she still constantly fusses about the waste of money when I do but to me I enjoy a really good coffee, cake and Or sandwich so much that it's worth it to me. So AIBU to want to eat out sometimes?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 16:26

How about you take it in turns, she promises not to whinge about the cost.

It's the not whinging part that we need to work on. I've asked her to stop it before(Twice now) but it didn't last.

We'll have a talk again.

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 28/05/2023 16:28

I don’t love eating outdoors but eating in the car is grim…definitely refuse to do that anymore.

Original poster
CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 16:29

How long are you planning to be at the garden centre?

We usually spend many hours there. We wouldn't meet just to buy a plant.

OP posts:
RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 28/05/2023 16:30

CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 14:25

Does she know how you feel?

She does but I may have to be firmer as it rather spoils my lunch when she keeps going on about the (usually very reasonable) cost.

Really interested to know OP what your friend says she could have got instead with the money it costs for your sandwich/coffee/cake?

Totally with you, if we go out somewhere going to a cafe enhances the experience. Homemade sandwiches just don't come close. It's probably why I am skint and your friend is wealthy. 🤣

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 28/05/2023 16:36

Snowy2022 · 28/05/2023 15:53

OP, I rarely post as I am rarely here. Sometimes I read posts and decide others are best suited to help or I better say nothing.

Here, I will say that you have given enough examples and especially the comment about how she could have spent money on this or that while you are eating your cake and that sometimes it you who has paid in these cafes.

To me, this is the only criticism of your friend I have- at least she should let YOU enjoy your cake. As someone said, you have to discuss this decisively and come to some compromise- mine would be for her to stop whinging while I eat- or discuss what should be in the sandwich box that she makes.

I was recently asked how much it cost me to travel for 5 months doing excursions, with one month spent visiting 9 countries. My answer was it was because I didn't have food bills- like other posters I am not a foodie, food is for fuel and also like to keep in shape by only eating when I'm hungry (which is once a day or no much on some days). I travelled alone.

I am recently married to someone I met and we married quickly. While when I visited him prior to marriage his fridge had same things as mine: lean meat (ham that sort of things), cheese, blueberries and strawberries- (I have known respecting other's eating patterns or food they eat was important); I soon found out that because I don't eat often ( either because I am not hungry ( I don't have a big appetite and my digestive system needs a break from constant food as some meals we ate (we cooked them together) were full of sauces (that's sugar) etc ) and when I need to eat I prefer clean food, he turned to 'ping ping meals'. It was hard, but made it clear to him that would sit with him at dinner, but won't participate in this unhealthy eating. What I didn't' do, was speak badly about his food etc etc. Thank God he has now stopped unhealthy eating and that means on the once a week when I want to eat a proper (or full) meal, we have the same healthy meal together.

So, you and your friend need to work through this together. As mine is to do with my digestive system and weight ( I am a small person so don't need constant food, let alone constant heavy food); what I have always done is to allow myself the freedom to eat when I am out with friends by eating clean at home. So my husband and I still enjoy meals out when we go out ( but I need to keep it mostly clean at home).

I also enjoy sitting in nice cafes, sipping my fresh mint tea- it doesn't cost much ( I also hate wasting money). When I lived in Chelsea- I constantly met up with friends at all the fashionable eateries and sometimes just have tea (mostly because we aren't hungry) and occasional meals when are hungry or want a meal.

So, maybe she can 'not' eat while waiting for you in cafes ( I would gladly do that if I don't want to waste money- or as I occasionally do (or I sip on tea while I wait) but because I am not hungry) OR she can sip on tea in the cafes until you both get to the car and she can eat her picnic in the car ( I would respect and support her with that choice too).

Similarly, I have in the past ditched accepting invites to places/homes were they serve people 'junk'-read: Tesco crisps for a birthday party while I and others bring bottles and bottles of wine or gifts. If you are having a party and invite people you need to respect that.

Good luck OP. I have had to navigate this issue all my life but not due to costs (I too can comfortably afford to eat out even when on holidays) and it needs respect, understanding and some healthy compromise.

PS: At my mother's in a different continent: most adults in the house have different menus from the same main kitchen and none is judged. We are all health conscious (my brother's (and his children's- when they all visit) digestive system is worse than mine) and mum is now very old so she has her own diet ( even before that, she was always health conscious). We are a happy close-knit family. My two sisters eat everything.

Oh my christ.

Snowy2022 · 28/05/2023 16:37

Lots of good examples from posters: each of you eating before you meet up; 30 min break so you each do what you want ( the car which might be parked far, would be the concern here) or ending the outings altogether or just ending eatings on your otherwise enjoyable joint outings (but then you enjoy visiting these cafes while out, which I do too- It is part of the experience to me- but just not to always eat.

As I and some posters before me already said, an honest chat is what you two need. I don't believe forcing you to eat in the car is fair ether- but then I speak as someone who likes to sit comfortably before I eat as I don't eat often so like to enjoy my short experience (also explains why wholesome foods are what I prefer to eat as my eating experience is short and I like to enjoy it.)

Snoken · 28/05/2023 16:37

Wineismybestfriend · 28/05/2023 15:10

This made me chuckle. Do you have the link?

Show quote history

I think I remember this thread too. A woman saying they had a packed lunch by Liverpool Street Station in the middle of the winter and when everyone told her it sounded miserable she added that she is a barrister and they had artisan baguettes with fancy farm shop ham and lots of other pretentious stuff. The updates were were quite hilarious as she started off calling them soggy sandwiches by the station or something.

Xrays · 28/05/2023 16:39

TeaParty4Me · 28/05/2023 15:32

It would annoy me when someone was moaning about something and I would definitely avoid doing that activity with them again.

In your case I would rather not eat out with her than have to hear her moaning about it.

I do love my food and I love the experience of eating out however I have a friend who wants to eat out constantly and it drives me mad.
She is overweight and moans about her weight so maybe that is why it annoys me so much.

E.g. We have planned a walk which is 5 hours max. We are going as a group as we wanted to do something cheap and healthy.
She said she wants to have lunch at the cafe that is halfway through the walk - fine.
She then said we could go for a pub lunch for dinner - I wouldn’t want a lunch and then dinner a couple of hours later.
Then she said as we’re leaving so early (7:30am) she’ll need to stop off at a service station to get a McDonald’s breakfast and wants everyone else too as well.
We have compromised with getting breakfast on the way, some cake halfway through the walk and dinner afterwards but my healthy, cheap walk is not so healthy and cheap anymore.

I avoid going out with her because she always wants to eat out and it’s such a waste of money and I don’t need the extra calories.

That’s extreme in the other direction though isn’t it 😁 and I understand what you mean - I have a friend who is overweight (like me, I’m not slim by any means!) both of us could do with losing a few pounds and she says she wants to but if we go out for the day she turns up with a costa large latte for us both and then expects to stop at McDonald’s on the way, and then a heavy lunch somewhere and then another costa and then somewhere on the way home…. 😳 (and if we go to a retail park and she’s driving and the Costa is one side of the car park and we’re at the other she will literally get back in the car and drive to the Costa - no mobility needs, otherwise healthy etc…!) and I end up saying I’m full / had enough thanks.. It’s hard when people’s expectations of food / days out are very different!

Maloneyb · 28/05/2023 16:43

Hi OP
i feel you.
I think you need some balance and equality in your friendship maybe?
you friend needs to let you have your way half of the time too and allow you to enjoy it

otherwise.. I would find someone else to do the things I like doing - not just what they want

Bunbuns3 · 28/05/2023 16:54

It is usually a big waste of money eating in cafes, where you end up having a sub standard baguette anyway charged at £4.50 a go with a meagre filling. You can make a much better tastier offering for less than half the price with much nicer generous fillings. Cafe food is usually a rip off. An odd treat maybe now and again, but it sounds like you don't know value for money and you don't know how to cater.

TempyBrennan · 28/05/2023 16:54

I would tell her to enjoy her picnic while you go and get food and meet back up later 😂

Kanaloa · 28/05/2023 16:55

Bunbuns3 · 28/05/2023 16:54

It is usually a big waste of money eating in cafes, where you end up having a sub standard baguette anyway charged at £4.50 a go with a meagre filling. You can make a much better tastier offering for less than half the price with much nicer generous fillings. Cafe food is usually a rip off. An odd treat maybe now and again, but it sounds like you don't know value for money and you don't know how to cater.

😂

If you don’t want to sit in your car on a day out eating sandwiches you made that morning you don’t know how to cater?

I like a picnic but I also like eating out. If your friend continues to be difficult about to I’d just start limiting your days out - for example go to c place in the morning then you leave to go for lunch and go home/have the afternoon to yourself.

Dinopawus · 28/05/2023 16:56

Grapewrath · 28/05/2023 14:39

There was a thread about this a while ago but about eating at theme parks- the competitive mumsnet picnic posts were hilarious- ‘to die for’ baguettes etc 🤣
I’m with you, op. Having a nice lunch is part of a day out to me.

To be fair, most theme park food is grimmer than grim & at daylight robbery prices. And, especially when DC were small I'd take our own food.

National Trust cake tea and cake on the other hand is part of the experience. As is a sunny snooze in an NT deckchair afterwards.

A sad sandwich in the car reminds me of rained off outings in the 70's.

Terloz · 28/05/2023 16:56

hmm I always browse cafe restaurant menus before a day out but mainly end up taking food as so few are good, especially for vegetarians, and there are often queues/no seats so eating end up time consuming and a source of stress. Chester Zoo is a case in point - I didnt even want to eat there with free vouchers. I’ve have kids though so I’m out and about in school holidays when it is busy. Seems to be the rule of thumb that if I don’t take food the cafe is poor but if I do it’s a corker!

InSpainTheRain · 28/05/2023 16:56

My mum was like this! I used to take her out for a trip and she'd want to bring a packed lunch to eat in the car. Warm eggs sandwiches in a plastic bix with orange squash 🤢 versus a hot latte and chocolate cake or a fresh cheese toastie!! Bless her as she is no longer with me but we used to laugh about it a lot. And YADNBU OP!! Cafes all the way!!

Kanaloa · 28/05/2023 16:57

I also don’t like eating in the car. I don’t mind a very occasional snack at a motorway stop if I’m doing a long drive but I wouldn’t generally choose to sit eating in my car. I like to keep my car clean and that’s hard with picnic food.

Original poster
CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 16:58

You can make a much better tastier offering for less than half the price with much nicer generous fillings. Cafe food is usually a rip off. An odd treat maybe now and again, but it sounds like you don't know value for money and you don't know how to cater.🍺

I do know how to cater thank you (I'm not the picnic provider) and there are a lot of genuinely good cafes out there. It's completely worth it to me and I have fairly high standards for cafes. No toasties with a mere scraping of filling for me thank you.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 28/05/2023 16:59

EmpressSoleil · 28/05/2023 15:23

I'm with you OP. I've had to limit time spent with people like your friend as it just ruins the day for me. If I couldn't afford the cafe I probably just wouldn't go in the first place.

This is one of the reasons I quite like doing things solo. No waiting around while someone reads every bloody exhibit description, eating/drinking where and when I want, arriving and leaving when I want. And if i want to buy something in the gift shop, no one making me feel bad by banging on how over priced it is!

I find this so rude! Why would anyone bang on about something being overpriced when they can see someone is enjoying buying it?

I am very frugal with many things, but I really dislike people being miserable when it isn’t their money. It’s disrespectful and to be honest most people waste some money somewhere. It’s just what other people want to buy that’s a ‘waste.’

LoobyDop · 28/05/2023 17:00

A picnic- lovely food eaten in a lovely outdoor setting- is a nice part of a day out. Eating sandwiches in the car is not a picnic and it would spoil the day for me. YWNBU to refuse to do that.

AnotherDayAnotherUsernameForMe · 28/05/2023 17:00

Dinopawus · 28/05/2023 16:56

To be fair, most theme park food is grimmer than grim & at daylight robbery prices. And, especially when DC were small I'd take our own food.

National Trust cake tea and cake on the other hand is part of the experience. As is a sunny snooze in an NT deckchair afterwards.

A sad sandwich in the car reminds me of rained off outings in the 70's.

Show quote history

I agree @Dinopawus, the OP is talking about lovely cafes and coffee shops v sad limp sandwiches in the car. Crap theme park food v homemade awesome picnic is a no brainier!

AcrossthePond55 · 28/05/2023 17:01

Mine's from necessity (Coeliac) rather than frugality or 'food as fuel' but there are times I make myself a small packed lunch when I'm out with friends, simply because there is nothing 'safe' for me to eat and I'm not going to sit there hungry watching them eat. Would that be a possibility for her? I know it would probably be frowned on at a 'naice' cafe with indoor seating, but seated outside or in an informal setting, that could work for both of you.

BTW I also HATE eating in cars and it inevitably gives me indigestion, I think from the 'hunched over' posture so you don't drip on yourself. I don't mind eating outdoors as long as there aren't a lot of insects flying around, especially 'meat bees' and flies. But I hate eating on the ground.

Original poster
CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 17:01

I'd expect to pay more than £4.50 for a good baguette in a cafe though.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 17:03

Yes theme parks rarely have good food so I might take a picnic then but I find that many National Trust type places have great cafes. Many garden centres too.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 28/05/2023 17:03

Although maybe you could start doing the opposite. So while she moans and groans about how much everything costs, you could do the same. Open the box and sigh ‘six hour old sandwiches. Oh, the crust is stale. Ah, day old squash… lukewarm. Better balance it all on my knee in the front of the car.’

BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 28/05/2023 17:03

Neither are you wrong, you just like different things.
Can't you alternate? Eat out one week, then take picnic the next?
That's what I'd want to do.
MIL is like you- has to be a sit down meal or cafe every single damn time, will not deviate ever.
I like cafes, but sometimes you just want to take a picnic or eat chips on a bench somewhere or whatever!