AIBU to want to eat out when on a trip/outing?

[CoffeeAndCakesAgain]

I sometimes go out with a friend , either day trips or sometimes overnight. We have similar interests so enjoy visiting museums, stately homes, nature reserves, garden centres etc.

As Summer approaches we tend to do more trips together but one issue that arises is that I love to eat out in nice cafes and restaurants and my friend thinks it's a waste of money and always wants to have a picnic instead. She's quite comfortable financially so it isn't an issue of money, she just thinks it's a waste of money.

I'm happy to compromise and have a picnic now and again but I don't want to do it all of the time plus she hates eating outdoors because of the insects so she always wants to eat in the car which does not have the same appeal.

I'm quite happy to buy lunch for her but she still constantly fusses about the waste of money when I do but to me I enjoy a really good coffee, cake and Or sandwich so much that it's worth it to me. So AIBU to want to eat out sometimes?

Some people find food less important than other people ..for some it’s more about fuel than anything else - some people are fussy about what they like to eat - both reasons why your friend might prefer her own picnic . I’m a big picnic person - I’m veggie and the kids are fussy .. I would rather have more days out for my money than eat in cafes .. I was also brought up by parents whose own childhoods were pretty poverty stricken .. these kind of things rub off . Part of a picnic is eating outside though for me .. I wouldn’t be up for the in the car eating thing

I’d suggest you picnic with this friend and save your meals out for other friends

I'm with neither of you. I find eating out/cake and coffee a big rip off, but car picnics are miserable unless I'm alone, hungry and have something I like.

I have talked to her about it before. I'll do so again. We're going to a new garden centre this week and apparently it has an excellent cafe so I'm going to make it clear that I want to eat there this time and we can have a picnic next time. If she doesn't want to eat in the cafe then perhaps she can wander about or go back to the car while I eat.

I'm happy(ish) to compromise and alternate because that's only fair but I'd be happier if we could eat outside instead of in the car. I'm dyspraxic(and autistic) and have nerve damage so eating in the car can be tricky and messy for me. I'd still rather be eating in the cafe than eating a ham or cheese sandwich. packet of crisps, Penguin biscuit and banana/apple but eating it in a nice spot as opposed to eating in the car would improve it considerably.

But if she is 'funny' about the flies and not wanting the picnic outside, that to me is a sign of food hygiene issues - I still think the food for fuel/waste of money stuff might be an excuse, but obviously I don't know her!

It's not a hygiene thing. She just really hates wasps. Flies too but wasps are the main issue. (I share her feelings re wasps) but I'd still rather eat outside than in the car.

I'm more like you op and DH is more like your friend. We do try to compromise and have a bit of a mix. I can see his point now actually when the cafe is crap, but when there's a good cafe on offer, I usually would prefer to eat there. Life's expensive now though so I'm happy not to do it all the time.

I do think the whole food just being fuel thing does come into it a bit although that's not the case for DH who likes good food.

I met someone once who complained about buying groceries as she could have a new dress for that money 😂. It made me laugh but I think she just saw food as a bit of an inconvenience

Another one with a MIL like this over here! Frugality to the extreme is so joyless, why bother to go out all of you want to do it on such a shoestring. Or just do it less often. But having to eat a picnic IN THE CAR is another level of grim, it just sounds messy, unhygienic and inconvenient. I would just meet you friend for a morning or ans afternoon, and go separate ways at mealtimes.

OP, I rarely post as I am rarely here. Sometimes I read posts and decide others are best suited to help or I better say nothing.

Here, I will say that you have given enough examples and especially the comment about how she could have spent money on this or that while you are eating your cake and that sometimes it you who has paid in these cafes.

To me, this is the only criticism of your friend I have- at least she should let YOU enjoy your cake. As someone said, you have to discuss this decisively and come to some compromise- mine would be for her to stop whinging while I eat- or discuss what should be in the sandwich box that she makes.

I was recently asked how much it cost me to travel for 5 months doing excursions, with one month spent visiting 9 countries. My answer was it was because I didn't have food bills- like other posters I am not a foodie, food is for fuel and also like to keep in shape by only eating when I'm hungry (which is once a day or no much on some days). I travelled alone.

I am recently married to someone I met and we married quickly. While when I visited him prior to marriage his fridge had same things as mine: lean meat (ham that sort of things), cheese, blueberries and strawberries- (I have known respecting other's eating patterns or food they eat was important); I soon found out that because I don't eat often ( either because I am not hungry ( I don't have a big appetite and my digestive system needs a break from constant food as some meals we ate (we cooked them together) were full of sauces (that's sugar) etc ) and when I need to eat I prefer clean food, he turned to 'ping ping meals'. It was hard, but made it clear to him that would sit with him at dinner, but won't participate in this unhealthy eating. What I didn't' do, was speak badly about his food etc etc. Thank God he has now stopped unhealthy eating and that means on the once a week when I want to eat a proper (or full) meal, we have the same healthy meal together.

So, you and your friend need to work through this together. As mine is to do with my digestive system and weight ( I am a small person so don't need constant food, let alone constant heavy food); what I have always done is to allow myself the freedom to eat when I am out with friends by eating clean at home. So my husband and I still enjoy meals out when we go out ( but I need to keep it mostly clean at home).

I also enjoy sitting in nice cafes, sipping my fresh mint tea- it doesn't cost much ( I also hate wasting money). When I lived in Chelsea- I constantly met up with friends at all the fashionable eateries and sometimes just have tea (mostly because we aren't hungry) and occasional meals when are hungry or want a meal.

So, maybe she can 'not' eat while waiting for you in cafes ( I would gladly do that if I don't want to waste money- or as I occasionally do (or I sip on tea while I wait) but because I am not hungry) OR she can sip on tea in the cafes until you both get to the car and she can eat her picnic in the car ( I would respect and support her with that choice too).

Similarly, I have in the past ditched accepting invites to places/homes were they serve people 'junk'-read: Tesco crisps for a birthday party while I and others bring bottles and bottles of wine or gifts. If you are having a party and invite people you need to respect that.

Good luck OP. I have had to navigate this issue all my life but not due to costs (I too can comfortably afford to eat out even when on holidays) and it needs respect, understanding and some healthy compromise.

PS: At my mother's in a different continent: most adults in the house have different menus from the same main kitchen and none is judged. We are all health conscious (my brother's (and his children's- when they all visit) digestive system is worse than mine) and mum is now very old so she has her own diet ( even before that, she was always health conscious). We are a happy close-knit family. My two sisters eat everything.

I love this! Sorry, twisted sense of humour!

Ooooooooooh no, out = eating out and picnic in the car instead takes me riiiiiiiight back to being a kid and all those warm slightly sweaty sandwiches and squashed crisps, eaten after they've been sat in the car for hours ... bleurgh.

I am a grown up now, if I want cake and a coffee at a cafe, I shall have that!

You compromise and alternate.

YNBU but if she's a food for fuel type person then eating out IS a waste of money. I love doing both, but when you eat out it's normally so you can have something a bit different/nicer to what you'd normally have or prepare at home, and if she genuinely doesn't care about that then I can understand her view on it.

Surely the easiest solution is to go after lunch instead, you can always stop off somewhere for a drink mid afternoon where you can have your cake or what have you with yours, but she's already had her basic lunch at home so shouldn't be hungry.

How long are you planning to be at the garden centre?

I think this is one of the times when there’s no need to eat out.

I have eaten at garden centres before but the conversation is much like “do you fancy grabbing some lunch on Saturday, there’s a garden centre which does lovely food and so we can eat there and have a look around the garden centre at the same time?”.

If I was meeting at a garden centre to buy a plant then I would not think to also have something to eat.

Why not say that you want to have some lunch there so you’ll be getting there at X time and if she doesn’t want to join you for food then you can meet her an hour later.
Then you both get to see each other and you still get to eat without having to eat too.

My MIL always complained about eating out and often engineered a situation which would make it more difficult to eat out, even if we had originally planned to. But she also hated cooking, took all day to make something and then complained about it, and complained about FIL cooking as well!! 🤣

How about you take it in turns, she promises not to whinge about the cost.

Lordy. I had one of those, knew the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Eating in the car is ridiculous. I'd live with boring picnic food, sitting on a bench or blanket in a park. But no, eating in the car? There is absolutely no pleasure in that, and I'd say I don't want to do it any more.

I wouldn't mind doing myself a picnic then I could chose to make sandwiches, a scotch egg or sausage roll but at some point during the day a coffee and a sit somewhere would definitely be something I'd insist on as part of my day out.

You could argue eating food that you don't enjoy in a car is a waste of money in a way!

I think I would take the approach of having eg a 30 min "refreshment break" where each person eats what/where they choose and then re-convene afterwards.
Eg " I'm a bit peckish and heard the food is nice here (at the new garden centre) . Don't worry if you've already got a picnic, shall we meet back at x" and then agree a time.

There have been lots of times where I've taken a picnic due to budget rather than choice, but I think sometimes it is nice to eat out as part of a day out. And agree, OP, eating in the car (when the weather is fine) is quite unenjoyable.

Sorry but it's not reasonable of you to expect to eat in the car. It's one thing if you like eating out and she'd rather bring sandwiches and have a picnic, I'd probably say its fair to both compromise so you can both have your way, but no way would I want to sit and eat in someone's car or have them make a mess in mine!

She’s your friend, just explain how you are feeling about the days out and you’re not enjoying them as much because of this situation. I’m sure she’ll understand if she is a genuine friend. She does sound a little like my Mum, she won’t go into any cafe until she has looked at the price list, even though she’s knows we’ll be paying, her favourite saying is “How much????” with a look of horror on her face, it is funny.

I would not eat in the car. So either outdoor picnic or cafe. Or eat before you meet.

I'm with you.

Part of the pleasure is finding somewhere to eat/drink and not having to do it myself.

Also enjoy when I'm out shopping on my own

Can't you compromise on a picnic for lunch and a coffee/cake somewhere later?

I find lunch out takes too much of a chunk out of the day and thing I wanted to enjoy (as well as the expense).

But a sit down somewhere later where she can just have a drink if she wants would be more appreciated.

When you say friend you mean ‘person I judge’.