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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to eat out when on a trip/outing?

209 replies

CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 14:12

I sometimes go out with a friend , either day trips or sometimes overnight. We have similar interests so enjoy visiting museums, stately homes, nature reserves, garden centres etc.

As Summer approaches we tend to do more trips together but one issue that arises is that I love to eat out in nice cafes and restaurants and my friend thinks it's a waste of money and always wants to have a picnic instead. She's quite comfortable financially so it isn't an issue of money, she just thinks it's a waste of money.

I'm happy to compromise and have a picnic now and again but I don't want to do it all of the time plus she hates eating outdoors because of the insects so she always wants to eat in the car which does not have the same appeal.

I'm quite happy to buy lunch for her but she still constantly fusses about the waste of money when I do but to me I enjoy a really good coffee, cake and Or sandwich so much that it's worth it to me. So AIBU to want to eat out sometimes?

OP posts:
Esjolaol1973 · 28/05/2023 15:15

I meet my friends regularly for walk and day out . Wouldn't be the same without coffee,cake or lunch .

EmpressSoleil · 28/05/2023 15:23

I'm with you OP. I've had to limit time spent with people like your friend as it just ruins the day for me. If I couldn't afford the cafe I probably just wouldn't go in the first place.

This is one of the reasons I quite like doing things solo. No waiting around while someone reads every bloody exhibit description, eating/drinking where and when I want, arriving and leaving when I want. And if i want to buy something in the gift shop, no one making me feel bad by banging on how over priced it is!

ArdeteiMasazxu · 28/05/2023 15:24

Some people just see food as fuel and don't care about eating well. Is she a smoker by any chance? Or some other possible explanation for having poor tastebud sensitivity?

I think you need to plan differently and spend non-meal times with her and meet up with different friends for meals out. Eating a nice meal with a money misery is hardly fun either.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2023 15:25

BlackForestCake · 28/05/2023 14:32

Are either of you big foodies? It’s not difficult to make a picnic with something nicer than most museum cafés offer. Smoked salmon in a cool box and a half bottle of champagne, perhaps, or some fresh bread and pate.

Yes it's fun to eat in a cafe, it can also be fun to eat in the sunshine for next to nothing.

You are both going to have to agree to compromise. Say sure, we'll have a picnic but I'm not eating in the car because it's grim.

Oh come on. She doesn't want to sit on a stone/grass and eat with flies around. She wants to have something nice indoors. And no way would I be lugging a bottle of champagne around on a hike or sight seeing tour.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 28/05/2023 15:25

Have you discussed this in any detail with your friend? If you’re going to continue to enjoy days out, you’ll both need to be open and honest about your wishes and then work on finding a compromise that suits both of you.

I had a friend who liked eating out and I lost touch with her about 20 yrs ago as we both moved away. Unfortunately, I probably ruined her birthday trip because I didn’t want to ‘waste money’ eating in an expensive restaurant when a basic pizza place would do because after suggesting something, she’d always reply, “I don’t mind, you decide”.

I generally view eating out and drinking alcohol as pointless exercises so it’s not obvious to me why other people might prize those activities more highly.

I’m ND and usually take people at face value so it’s only in very recent times that I’ve realised that actually she didn’t want me to decide at all. If she’d explained that eating out somewhere fancy was equivalent to something I really enjoy doing, I’d have understood. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Remember, no-one else is responsible for making you happy. You have to learn to be more assertive and say what you want.

Beelezebub · 28/05/2023 15:26

Can you just alternate? Next trip lunch is what she wants, the one after edits what you want and you both agree not to piss on each’s chips about lunch preferences when it’s not your turn?

Paq · 28/05/2023 15:28

I think she needs to compromise. Alternate between cafés and picnics during outings. Or suggest she browses the shops while you stop in a café.

JMSA · 28/05/2023 15:29

YANBU.

FictionalCharacter · 28/05/2023 15:29

Yanbu and well-off people who are stingy are extremely tiresome. I'd draw the line at eating a dreary picnic in the car, what a miserable experience that is!

UsingChangeofName · 28/05/2023 15:29

Like many others, I don't think either of you ABU. You just hold different opinions.
Tell her how much it spoils the day for you, and make an agreement that you will eat a picnic in the car one trip (without complaining, and then she can eat with you in the cafe on the next trip (without complaining).

SpringNotSprung · 28/05/2023 15:29

If she insists on it always being her way then she's not one of life's sharers. Alternate cafe and picnic - if she doesn't want to, find a new friend for days out. It tells a lot about how much she values the friendship.

I'm tight - take a flask and packed lunch to work, etc. But enjoy the cafe on days out.

Similarly when the dc were small, we took drinks and snacks with us but had a little lunch stop there and ice creams. It kept the cost down which racks up for 4 and children are always hungry.

Divorcedalongtime · 28/05/2023 15:29

Hate eating out, it’s such a waste. I don’t enjoy food all that much so I really don’t want to pay lots for it. I can understand your friends view totally

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2023 15:30

I’m with you OP. I think she sounds tight fisted. Eating out, trying new new places, is just a lovely thing to do. Eating packed lunch in the car sounds like a crap school trip.

I would say ‘Right on Tuesday when we go to XX, I’ve booked such and such for lunch. My treat. I know you think it’s a waste of money, but the weather is glorious next week and I’ll be damned if I’m having a limp sandwich and tea from a Thermos. Let’s have a lovely time and not worry about the money.’

Surely she can’t argue with that?

penni00 · 28/05/2023 15:30

You don't think that perhaps the waste of money stuff might be an excuse for some underlying condition. For example, perhaps she struggles to eat in front of lots of people, or could she have a thing about food poisoning?

TeaParty4Me · 28/05/2023 15:32

It would annoy me when someone was moaning about something and I would definitely avoid doing that activity with them again.

In your case I would rather not eat out with her than have to hear her moaning about it.

I do love my food and I love the experience of eating out however I have a friend who wants to eat out constantly and it drives me mad.
She is overweight and moans about her weight so maybe that is why it annoys me so much.

E.g. We have planned a walk which is 5 hours max. We are going as a group as we wanted to do something cheap and healthy.
She said she wants to have lunch at the cafe that is halfway through the walk - fine.
She then said we could go for a pub lunch for dinner - I wouldn’t want a lunch and then dinner a couple of hours later.
Then she said as we’re leaving so early (7:30am) she’ll need to stop off at a service station to get a McDonald’s breakfast and wants everyone else too as well.
We have compromised with getting breakfast on the way, some cake halfway through the walk and dinner afterwards but my healthy, cheap walk is not so healthy and cheap anymore.

I avoid going out with her because she always wants to eat out and it’s such a waste of money and I don’t need the extra calories.

AlmostWife · 28/05/2023 15:32

I can understand not wanting to eat out all the time (especially if you see each other regularly), so some alternation seems fair! But the car thing is just batty, tell her to get a grip

Sirzy · 28/05/2023 15:33

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2023 15:30

I’m with you OP. I think she sounds tight fisted. Eating out, trying new new places, is just a lovely thing to do. Eating packed lunch in the car sounds like a crap school trip.

I would say ‘Right on Tuesday when we go to XX, I’ve booked such and such for lunch. My treat. I know you think it’s a waste of money, but the weather is glorious next week and I’ll be damned if I’m having a limp sandwich and tea from a Thermos. Let’s have a lovely time and not worry about the money.’

Surely she can’t argue with that?

I would argue with that! I wouldn’t want to be told what I was going to do and what I was going to enjoy.

AgentJohnson · 28/05/2023 15:37

Each to their own, paying over the odds for a tea and cake isn’t my bag, I’d rather spend it on something I can take home. Neither of you are wrong, you just have different priorities. If you both can’t compromise then meest after lunch.

Original poster
CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 15:38

You don't think that perhaps the waste of money stuff might be an excuse for some underlying condition. For example, perhaps she struggles to eat in front of lots of people, or could she have a thing about food poisoning?

No. She just is more of a food for fuel person and thinks eating out is a waste of money.

OP posts:
NewPinkJacket · 28/05/2023 15:39

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2023 15:30

I’m with you OP. I think she sounds tight fisted. Eating out, trying new new places, is just a lovely thing to do. Eating packed lunch in the car sounds like a crap school trip.

I would say ‘Right on Tuesday when we go to XX, I’ve booked such and such for lunch. My treat. I know you think it’s a waste of money, but the weather is glorious next week and I’ll be damned if I’m having a limp sandwich and tea from a Thermos. Let’s have a lovely time and not worry about the money.’

Surely she can’t argue with that?

I would definitely argue with this level of control freakery.

Never mind the fact you're insulting her sandwiches 😂😂

NewPinkJacket · 28/05/2023 15:40

CoffeeAndCakesAgain · 28/05/2023 15:38

You don't think that perhaps the waste of money stuff might be an excuse for some underlying condition. For example, perhaps she struggles to eat in front of lots of people, or could she have a thing about food poisoning?

No. She just is more of a food for fuel person and thinks eating out is a waste of money.

No. She just is more of a food for fuel person and thinks eating out is a waste of money.

Then just compromise by alternating, or as another poster suggested just meet after lunch.

adrem · 28/05/2023 15:40

I’m more of your picnic type of person including flasks of coffee. But I’d rather find a bench somewhere nice with a view or lounging in the side of a hill to enjoy the experience.
Im not fussed with eating in a restaurant but 43years of being a vegetarian with overpriced set menus has put me off.
My dh likes to occasionally eat out. So we just mix it up a bit.
Its all about compromise

AnotherDayAnotherUsernameForMe · 28/05/2023 15:40

TeaParty4Me · 28/05/2023 15:32

It would annoy me when someone was moaning about something and I would definitely avoid doing that activity with them again.

In your case I would rather not eat out with her than have to hear her moaning about it.

I do love my food and I love the experience of eating out however I have a friend who wants to eat out constantly and it drives me mad.
She is overweight and moans about her weight so maybe that is why it annoys me so much.

E.g. We have planned a walk which is 5 hours max. We are going as a group as we wanted to do something cheap and healthy.
She said she wants to have lunch at the cafe that is halfway through the walk - fine.
She then said we could go for a pub lunch for dinner - I wouldn’t want a lunch and then dinner a couple of hours later.
Then she said as we’re leaving so early (7:30am) she’ll need to stop off at a service station to get a McDonald’s breakfast and wants everyone else too as well.
We have compromised with getting breakfast on the way, some cake halfway through the walk and dinner afterwards but my healthy, cheap walk is not so healthy and cheap anymore.

I avoid going out with her because she always wants to eat out and it’s such a waste of money and I don’t need the extra calories.

Your friend is definitely a bit extreme.

Lunch or coffee and cake somewhere nice every second outing is far from unreasonable.

GrannyRose15 · 28/05/2023 15:40

I love having a coffee and cake when I am out , be it on a day trip or simply out shopping but I have found recently that you have to wait so long to get your order, the food is so poor, and the service so bad that it has ceased being enjoyable.

penni00 · 28/05/2023 15:41

But if she is 'funny' about the flies and not wanting the picnic outside, that to me is a sign of food hygiene issues - I still think the food for fuel/waste of money stuff might be an excuse, but obviously I don't know her!