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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this deeply unusual and sad?

455 replies

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:04

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

OP posts:
Wildspace · 28/05/2023 12:06

Is she happy?

madnessitellyou · 28/05/2023 12:08

Why on earth is it any of your business to ask someone you've only just met if they're married with kids?

Fwiw I'm married with dc but had a very similar experience at school. I was never into the pub/club scene and really couldn't care less.

I don't think this is unusual or sad. And absolutely nothing to do with you.

foxandbee · 28/05/2023 12:08

If she is happy, then no need to feel sad for her. Having a partner and/or kids is not the be all and end all.

JMSA · 28/05/2023 12:09

Is she happy enough though? I don't think it's your place to feel sad for her. Unless of course she was particularly down about it.
It sounds like she had a traumatic time of it at school, and has chosen to shy away from potential rejection. It does seem sad to live your life in fear but only if SHE is unhappy about it!
To me, it sounds like rather a blissful life Grin

Wishing4sunshine · 28/05/2023 12:09

Why did you even ask her?

JediIsMyMaster · 28/05/2023 12:10

That’s a pretty intense conversation for the first time meeting someone at a party. Hope she didn’t feel too uncomfortable with your questions.

RaininSummer · 28/05/2023 12:10

It's not sad if that's the way she wants it. However if she would like to meet someone she maybe needs friends to go out with sometimes so she is out and about or joining groups socially

foxandbee · 28/05/2023 12:10

To me, it sounds like rather a blissful life

Yes, it does!

Childhoodnostalgia · 28/05/2023 12:11

I’m sure she really needs you feeling sad for her…. Not!

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 12:11

I find it sadder that people find it acceptable to ask about marriage and kids when the person hasn't mentioned either.

I find it sad that she felt so embarrassed she felt as though she had to explain.

I find it sad that a child free single woman in her 30s is pitied by some random she has never met before.

Maybe this is your cue to stop asking unprompted personal questions.

ScarlettDarling · 28/05/2023 12:11

Sounds a bit patronising actually to be sorry for her.
Is she sad about it or accepting of her lot?
Don't really know if it’s that unusual or terribly sad unless of course she herself is terribly sad about it.

mushroommummy · 28/05/2023 12:12

It’s called making conversation/getting to know someone!

I have a cousin exactly as you describe, she’s now in her 50s but just never had the opportunity. She’s very shy but she’s a very happy person. Horses for courses and all that.

MissTrip82 · 28/05/2023 12:12

I can think of many many sadder stories of people who have married.

Quite unusual that you met someone for the first time and had this deep a conversation.

TheCartimandua · 28/05/2023 12:12

That's incredibly intrusive of you, OP. And patronising. And fairly unbelievable.

JMSA · 28/05/2023 12:13

I can think of many many sadder stories of people who have married.

Oh absolutely, myself included Grin

Anewuser · 28/05/2023 12:13

That’s because you can’t imagine a life with a husband and children.

It’s not the be all and end all.

EmptyBedBlues · 28/05/2023 12:15

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 12:11

I find it sadder that people find it acceptable to ask about marriage and kids when the person hasn't mentioned either.

I find it sad that she felt so embarrassed she felt as though she had to explain.

I find it sad that a child free single woman in her 30s is pitied by some random she has never met before.

Maybe this is your cue to stop asking unprompted personal questions.

Agreed.

She doesn’t need to be othered by you asking her marital and parent/non-parent status just after ‘hello’, far less feeling sad for her.

Two of the best and most interesting women I know have never had a relationship. One adopted a daughter in her fifties, the other is childfree. I admire them both, not because of their lack of relationships, but because they’re such interesting people.

Merangutan · 28/05/2023 12:16

I don’t think you should have asked her if she was married with children. Usually ‘No’ is not the end of the conversation and less assertive people (she) feel they have to explain why to a puzzled stranger (you).

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 28/05/2023 12:16

You asked her if she was married with kids? 🙄 How boring. Could you not think of anything else to talk to her about?

If she’s unhappy with her situation, then yes, I would feel for her.

I pity people that think marriage and kids is the way to somehow measure others.

drinkyourtea12 · 28/05/2023 12:16

I'm 39 no kids not married
Hate when people ask me this question!
I'm happy with my choices

RelaxingClassics · 28/05/2023 12:18

You are being unreasonable for asking her and even more unreasonable that when someone opened up and trusted you with deeply personal information you took to the internet to share your condescending sympathy with the world.

NuffSaidSam · 28/05/2023 12:18

She 'admitted' she'd never kissed a man? Admitted. Like she's done something wrong. Are you serious?!

doubleoseven · 28/05/2023 12:19

Nope. How patronising of you. Single women are likely the happiest people in the world.
It's those stuck in shit relationships I feel sorry for, or women who are scared to be alone and go one from one unsuitable man to another due to low self esteem.
Why did you ask her that question? Why didn't you ask her something about Herself rather than her relationships? Do you always equate happiness to having a partner? I think that's pretty sad.

Original poster
ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

OP posts:
FranziskaSchmidt · 28/05/2023 12:22

Small talk. Asking people if they are married or have kids is normal in the real world. Her choosing to volunteer the rest of the information is the weird bit here. But no need to pity her for it.

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