To find this deeply unusual and sad?

[ToTheMax0]

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

You have led a very very sheltered life if you consider this ‘deeply unusual and sad’ when she isn’t even sad.

Ugh.

You can talk about the sunny weather, holiday plans, the political shit show, the NHS, TV etc. So many other topics. And your nosiness would probably end up being gratified as her single status would probably come to light anyway.

Learn some social skills OP before you annoy anyone else.

And yes I am married with kids before you accuse me of anything.

Yes, there were a couple of women in my office like this and I avoided lunch breaks or after work drinks if I knew they'd be there, specifically to avoid these kind of intrusive questions.

"Deeply unusual and sad" how patronizing, I feel sorry for her putting up with your nosey questions and pity. Have you got a sheltered social circle? People have different lifestyles and life experiences you know.

And C - felt the need to share the private conversation online to pity her.

If someone has kids, it will generally come up in conversation quite naturally - holidays, hobbies, various sickness bugs going round, etc. If they don't have children, there's a strong possibility that there might be a reason for that which doesn't lend itself to 'social chitchat'.

Really? They absolutely do in my experience. Part of getting to know someone is asking about their home and family life, surely?

Yes, really. Maybe it’s who you mix with. It’s unpleasant, odd and a bit lazy to be so direct with questioning like this. Chat about stuff and IF people have partners and kids, it may naturally come up in the conversation, if they want to talk about it. If it doesn’t, take the hint. There’s lots more to a most people than whether they are married or have kids.

I have a friend I've known for about a year and I know that she has kids because she's mentioned them. However she has never mentioned a husband, boyfriend or partner, and until she does, I won't ask.

To me this is respecting boundaries, it's not that I am not interested but we met at a hobby group and are friends because we have a lot in common, some related to that hobby but also other things.

If I was at a party and a stranger/neighbour asked those questions I'd think they were mentally ill/ socially abnormal and rapidly excuse myself from their company. Damn sure I would not discuss my lifetime sexual and social experience and entire education history .

Blimey 😬 I find that such a massive overreaction.

Pretty much every single time I've been in the "getting to know you" stage of a conversation or friendship, the topic of partners and children has come up.

This happens at work, in social settings, at clubs and gatherings - it's totally standard in my world.

Um no, most will not ask if someone is married with kids. That's really not a normal or polite question.

I bet she expects to have that conversation every single time she goes to a party or gathering because there will always be somebody asking her if she is married or has kids. Must get tiring.

What I find sad is the notion that someone who hasn't had a relationship or children is sad and lonely. Truth is people don't tend to miss what they don't know.

I don't have children myself and I've been asked whether I have children loads of times.

Like I said in a previous post, it happens in all sorts of settings and has always been a topic of conversation when I've been getting to know people 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't push further if someone just said "no" and I'd never pity someone for their choices or circumstance but it's never once occurred to me that it could offend someone.

No it's a very nosey conversation to have with someone you have literally just met.

Better conversation starters would be how do you know the neighbours? A comment about the food or weather. Not there private life

As for if it's sad or not. I would say it's possibly unusual but not sad. She probably has her own reasons but for whatever reason didn't feel comfortable sharing them with a person who's basically a stranger

So from your posts, she felt embarrassed at the admission and you just thought you would post on a public forum where threads are routinely picked up by tabloids to say how strange and sad you found it?

I don't ever ask if anyone is married or has children. If they volunteer information around that, I may ask. Otherwise, I stick to topics like where they live, what they like doing, what they are reading....

Is there a generational factor? It seems clear from the volume of answers that it's no longer acceptable (whereas at one time it very much was, and you'd have appeared very strange asking people what they did in their free time) to ask people whether they have kids. Or is it a reflection of the circles you move in?

There are more people out there like this than you think. It is not that unusual. My friend who is 45 is in the exact same position, she claims she would like to experience a relationship, but her actions suggest otherwise.

Yep. Not just that but you knew she wasn't comfortable with the conversation but still spoke at length about it later that evening

Better conversation starters would be how do you know the neighbours? A comment about the food or weather. Not there private life

I doubt OP just walked up to her and said "are you married with kids then?" - it probably came up as part of a normal conversation.

This is why human beings always used to live in smallish tribal groups and everyone knew everyone else. There was no need for these awkward questions. We're just not cut out for it.

40's here, not married and no kids. I can't tell you how much I hate it when I meet someone new and this is what they choose to ask me, there are literally millions of other things you could ask me. It is possible to have a life and identity as a single, childless woman. Would you feel sad if this was a single, childless man? I very much doubt it.

It would make me feel awful if I felt I was being pitied by someone I'd just met and I'm a very confident person. You should have let the subject drop rather going deeper and finding out about her lack of experience. I be too embarrassed to ever spend time in your company again. Imagine if she knew you'd felt such sadness for her that you'd written a post of a MN about her, just humiliating.

I think you need to look at your out of date views.

@MereDintofPandiculation - no idea. I'm mid-thirties and I've been asked questions about partners and children by people from 20 to 80.

Like I said, just normal conversation where I live and nobody judges anyone for their answer - it's just part of learning about other people.

It's a totally normal question and I say this as a single, childless peron.

It really isn't normal for women to ask such personal questions when you first meet. It's rude.

OP - you need to broaden your horizons if you feel that the default life for a woman is marriage and children, to the extent that you presume all women you meet must have or desire one or both.

Not everyone has the same life as you, and not all women would want what you have. You are making yourself look foolish by making this the most interesting question you can think of. Do you ask all the men you meet if they are married with children?

If you met me at a party and asked me about children, I would have to tell you that all my babies died before they were born. Bit of a conversation stopper, no?

Try asking people what they do or if they have any hobbies.