To find this deeply unusual and sad?

[ToTheMax0]

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

"I never ask peoples relationships status or child status, it's generally boring, doesnt define the person and is nothing to do with me."

Well, if you're making friends it does have something to do with you. I like to meet people who are available for socialising and those with small children often aren't so it's good to know from the beginning.

"Like I said, it's most likely down to someone's limited life experience that literally have nothing else to ask"

I really don't understand what you mean by this. It's not because someone's gone up Everest that you can use 'have you been up Everest' as an opening line? It's normal to start with the most basic things.

Course you are 🙄

Ooh, yes!

“How much did you pay for that hair colour?” (Bonus implication that it’s not very good. Double bonus if they don’t colour their hair.)

I think it's rude to ask if someone has a husband and children. I find people volunteer that information pretty quickly if they do have a partner / DC.

I worked with someone closely for 5 years and I knew she didn't have children, but I suspect her female "friend" that came to visit often was some sort of partner. I wouldn't ask though.

I wouldn't ask how much someone would earned, but I would ask if they work.

Was alcohol involved if this previous stranger divulged her full sexual history to you?

I guess it’s sad if she’s sad and it’s ok if she’s ok. It wouldn’t make me feel any particular way personally. I really don’t find it unusual though. I’d find it unusual if she said she has octuplets or something

It’s probably less unusual than you think. People probably just don’t speak freely about it. And no relationship certainly doesn’t means no friends. Also she has had 20 years of income to spend on a house, holidays, treats etc without worrying about childcare and other child related costs, so maybe she’s had a fabulous stress-free fun life?

Never ask anyone you ever meet about any detail of their life, ever.

Numerous posters on this thread have told you from personal experience that - whatever YOU think about the question - it can be (is) intrusive and at worst, heartbreaking for the person being asked. Why do you continue to defend it?

This.

Op is one of those sort of people

Actually, most people realise that it can be a very sensitive question and so don't ask outright, just discuss other things and wait for the person to disclose things.

"Numerous posters on this thread have told you from personal experience that - whatever YOU think about the question - it can be (is) intrusive and at worst, heartbreaking for the person being asked. "

Because in real life it is a normal question. There are normal questions that I don't like either, but I don't necessarily get to veto them for everyone, do I?

I don't think it's rude per se to ask if someone is married/ has children, although tbH I rarely do unless someone has asked me, as these things tend to come up naturally in conversation so no need as other posters have pointed out. I think it's what you do with their response - if they say no, move on to something else , no need to dwell on it / question them as if there's something wrong with them. Her looking embarrassed was your cue to change the subject , not get her sexual history out of her.
Whether someone is happy or not with being on their own with no kids is a conversation to have with a good friend, not someone you have just met. It's not that unusual either, I can think of a few.

I remember being in a similar situation moving into a 3 bed house on a typical suburban estate - one of the local kids came up and asked if I was married , said no, did I have kids , said no and then she piped up so what do you need a 3 bed house for ? Obviously her parents had been gossiping.

In a similar vein I think it’s awful peoples questions are often have you got any family ? It’s none o

LynetteScavo

I think it's rude to ask if someone has a husband and children. I find people volunteer that information pretty quickly if they do have a partner / DC.

This is very true. Most strangers I meet and chat to for less than 10 minutes will almost always by then have mentioned their significant other and/or kids if they have them. If there's no mention of either within that time, you can pretty much conclude that they are not in the picture and therefore it might be sensitive NOT to ask or try and pry further!

Of anyone’s business and you need to stop being so judgemental

"Also she has had 20 years of income to spend on a house, holidays, treats etc without worrying about childcare and other child related costs, so maybe she’s had a fabulous stress-free fun life?"

That's not how it works. Being single is expensive.

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

Nope. This was social "chit chat" up until about 1979 but not nowadays.

She’s probably neurodiverse and riddled with anxiety.

You sound extremely narrow-minded and provincial (although that’s probably doing the provinces a disservice). You really need to get out more if you’ve never met an unmarried woman of 39 with no children! I find your lack of exposure to the world deeply unusual and really very sad.

I think it’s more common that we think. I know a few girls (now late thirties women) from school who have never had a boyfriend. They all struggled with weight or acne so I think that bled into their adult life.

There’s a woman on TikTok talking about this subject at the mo. Mid thirties, never dated, never kissed etc.

Have you asked her out for a drink?

This is something that I think a lot of people do ask, but that I don't think should be asked.

I think that people have very many and varied reasons for living their lives the way they do, and it is nobody's business but theirs.

What if you had asked a woman who has a history of miscarriage, stillbirth or abusive relationships whether or not she is married or has children!!?? Almost certainly you won't have meant to cause hurt, but surely you can see why the question would be intrusive, thoughtless and unwelcome.

Do you know of someone that she might like to meet? Perhaps you have a friend who she might enjoy meeting?

@mrsbyers

I remember being in a similar situation moving into a 3 bed house on a typical suburban estate - one of the local kids came up and asked if I was married , said no, did I have kids , said no and then she piped up so what do you need a 3 bed house for ? Obviously her parents had been gossiping.

This happened to me too! We went to a neighbour's house for dinner recently, where there was another invited couple who lived in the village (we had never met the other couple before). Halfway through the meal, the woman asked how many children we had, when I said "we don't", she looked at me gone out and said "what the hell have you got a 4 bedroom house for then?". I wanted to tell her to fuck off and keep her snout out of my business, but instead I opted for the truth and told her that when we bought the house over 20 years ago, the plan was to fill every bedroom with tiny feet, but it sadly never happened for us. Even then, she seemed to think we should have downsized. Some people 😂😂

I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it.

What if she is asexual? The 'no sex' part of it makes compatible partners incredibly hard to find.

I never understand that given the great tapestry of human experience, people still can't understand that other people have different life experiences from each other.

And then seek validation on social media about it.

Yes OP, you were intrusive. I'm in my 50s and never ask about people's living/ romantic/ children situation until it is offered. There are literally thousands of other things you could talk about.