To find this deeply unusual and sad?

[ToTheMax0]

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

People can be lonely and unhappy within a relationship. I was.

@CantAskAnyoneElse I like your analogies.

Asking about marriage/children can unfortunately sometimes appear to be a judgemental question.

I can absolutely understand someone choosing to remain single and not have children. I don't think it's sad.

But to go through your entire life without any intimacy or even the odd date...that would be an extremely sad life for me.

I can understand that. But, would you really have want to live your entire life without dating, sex or even kissing?

@Comedycook
Me? No. I love sex.
But the point is I don't get 'sad' for people who have chosen not to. It's their choice.

I'd assume that unless someone was asexual, it's probably not so much an active choice, but more a certain set of circumstances which has created that situation

Marriage and children weren't a must for me. In fact, I didn't want either during the majority of my 20's.

I love my husband and I love my son but I also think it would be possible for me to be happy and fulfilled if my life had gone down a different path.

@Comedycook - I think we get your point but you do sound pretty straight. It's possible for women not to be interested in these things. Yes a minority but certainly they exist. They've been an aspect of female life over centuries. Yes a lot of women have children but there have always been a minority who are not interested, another minority uninterested in men, and another subset who aren't interested in sex. Fortunately we are all given the choice about these things!

@SouthLondonMum22 yes I can easily get my head round being happy single and childfree...but would you honestly be happy to live your entire life without experiencing kissing or any kind of romantic encounter?

@Comedycook- I think we get your point but you do sound pretty straight

What do you mean? If you read my posts I have not mentioned men specifically...I have spoken about dating, sex, kissing and intimacy...that could be with either sex.

“For you” being the operative words. Stop pushing what you like as the desirable state, the oh-so-sad-you-missed-out on other women. Do you react like this to men? Or is it bog-standard sexism? Does it never occur to you that the prospect of swapping spit with some hypothetical man is not remotely appealing to all women - and I don’t just mean lesbians.

I didn't specify kissing a man...I just said kissing.

and I'd see a man who reached the age of 39 and hadn't kissed anyone or dated the same as I'd see a woman in that situation.

@Comedycook - I meant straight in the sense that you came across as straight laced, though you did say "kissing a man".

Given this thread is talking the whole way through about the “married with kids” question some posters are defending as a conversation starter it’s obviously talking about heterosexual women, the ones judged as failures and “sad”, so you can’t really shift the goalposts by saying you weren’t referring to kissing men.

@Comedycook · Today 18:21

To all those who think her life sounds blissful, why didn't you choose that? Never dating anyone, never kissing a man, no sex, no marriage, no kids. If it sounds so brilliant, you could have lived like that.

Exactly this. ^ SO many women keep saying 'ooh I envy her life it sounds blissful la la la,' but in reality, the majority of the women saying this, would probably rather have cut off their left arm than live this life.

Whilst there are some women who are alone forever/a virgin/no kids/never married etc, (and some are OK with it,) the vast majority will get married - or be in at least one or two long term relationships during their life. Most will have children. There is nothing wrong with staying single forever and having no children, but let's not pretend that it's the norm, because it's really not.

And the vast majority of married women aren't jealous/envious of the singles either. I believe they say that to make the singles feel better - a kind of self deprecation. If it was true that they're sooo envious of the singles, why don't they leave their partner? It's not like they're superglued together FFS.

I think a life of never being in love, never having butterflies in your tummy, never kissing, never snogging, never having sex, never having a partner/mate to share life's burdens, trials, and tribulations with, and all the good times and giggles, and holidays, nights out, and cosy nights on the sofa with too, sounds a bit hollow. Each to their own. But it would never have been for me. I was single for quite a few years before I met my DH, and I would never go back. Even after 30 years, I would not change a thing. It's wonderful being married, and wonderful having a life partner to share your life with.

But I don't think it's sad to be single and not have children....

I think a life of never being in love, never having butterflies in your tummy, never kissing, never snogging, never having sex, never having a partner/mate to share life's burdens, trials, and tribulations with, and all the good times and giggles, and holidays, nights out, and cosy nights on the sofa with too, sounds a bit hollow

Yes I agree...

Then why are you talking as if it’s so special to go on dates etc? They’re no guarantee of happiness or even sexual pleasure. Romantic or sexual involvement with men is far from a cure for loneliness, even assuming a woman is lonely.

No. But that's me, it doesn't mean everyone wants the same things I do. Is it unusual? Definitely but that doesn't mean it's something that should be pitied or is 'sad'.

People live different lives and want different things out of it.

Well teah, for you.
As long as you aren’t rude, do the condescending head tilt go aww and tell a perspn how you could never live like that.
That’s the point, we’ll all different.
Personally, I’m grateful no man has ever touched me.
And being stuck with a man/kids would be my personal nightmare, and indeed, extremely sad life for me.

@EbonyRaven
No one has said it’s norm for most.
Luckily there’s just been quite a few people who are open minded and kind/supportive and realize that not everyone wants the same.

You clearly have strong feelings still left from your single times, but there is no need to project your issues onto others.
And be so very rude, honestly it was bizarre rant that came out of nowhere.
If your as happy as you say, going on and on like that about person you clearly look down on is just odd…

It’s called making conversation/getting to know someone!

Nope, not at all. It’s being intrusive when you don’t know someone. If someone asked me if I was married with kids/grandkids i’d ask why they were asking. Bit like when nosey people ask what you do for a job. Why, unless you have applied for a job and they are interviewing you, it’s inappropriate.

In this instance, OP is at a neighbours gathering. The ‘making conversation’ part is ‘so, how do you know Janet/Rob?’. Stuff like that, that gives openings to get to know someone without demanding info such as whether they are married or have kids. If the person says ‘we met at kids playgroup 5 years ago’ then you can ask about kids as they have provided the opening. If they say ‘we met at a flower arranging class’ you can then ask a follow up question about their interest in flowers. That’s making conversation versus interrogating people about their personal lives.

I think a life of never being in love, never having butterflies in your tummy, never kissing, never snogging, never having sex, never having a partner/mate to share life's burdens, trials, and tribulations with, and all the good times and giggles, and holidays, nights out, and cosy nights on the sofa with too, sounds a bit hollow.

Some people have no choice.

That exact thought crossed my mind too! Seems the OP is a straight woman - and I am assuming - married with kids - as she views that as 'normal'.

I agree with others that your questions were intrusive. Many years ago , one of my Mum's older busybody friends asked me whether or not I was frightened of being left on the shelf. This was because I was embarking on a round the world backpacking trip at the grand old age of 27!

I wasn't frightened (or bothered - couldn't have given one shit) but did think her line of questioning was very rude. She was older, and I thought she was just old fashioned in her thinking...so just gave a vague response and thought 'silly cow'.

@Willyoujust maybe not being married & having children, but to never have kissed a man/woman or dated, is very unusual.

And also, that’s just you. I had the butterflies & some intimacy, fine. But for some of us having a long-term partner & everything you describe sounds like a suffocating nightmare.