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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find this deeply unusual and sad?

455 replies

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:04

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 12:24

I don't think asking someone whether they're married and have children is the big deal PP's are making it out to be. It's fairly standard "getting to know you" stuff in my experience.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 12:25

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids

No.

I NEVER ask if someone has kids, do you know what a position that puts a bereaved parent in? They either have to say no and deny their child existed, or explain their trauma. It's a rude and intrusive question.

Nor would I ask of someone was married or with someone, if I'm getting to know a person their relationship status is probably one of the least interesting things about them. Again, you don't know what type of situation that person is in.

Pringleface · 28/05/2023 12:27

I don’t think it’s rude to ask if someone is married or has children. It is, however, quite presumptuous to start feeling pity for her because she isn’t.

StripeyDeckchair · 28/05/2023 12:29

You sound like the person everyone tries to avoid, asking over intrusive and personal questions like that. I bet youre persistent in getting an answer. however uncomfortable you're making the other person.

It's the twentyfirst century women are individuals in their own right and not defined by marriage & children.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 28/05/2023 12:30

I’m not married (never been), no kids and have been single a long time.

I would find it rude to be asked if I were married etc. I hate that it’s the default question / position and I know that those who ask pity me (the head tilt gives it away)

I find it unbelievably rude, patronising and boring.

aroomwithaperfectview · 28/05/2023 12:30

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 12:11

I find it sadder that people find it acceptable to ask about marriage and kids when the person hasn't mentioned either.

I find it sad that she felt so embarrassed she felt as though she had to explain.

I find it sad that a child free single woman in her 30s is pitied by some random she has never met before.

Maybe this is your cue to stop asking unprompted personal questions.

Exactly !

Any1Else · 28/05/2023 12:33

So … Max … you hit on a woman and then decided she was less attractive because not already pursued or possessed?

Hmm
badgermushrooms · 28/05/2023 12:34

Just to warn you if you ever come up to me at a party to ask if I'm married with kids you are risking way, way too much information about my husband's bowel cancer treatment and its aftermath. Save yourself the horror and try having a normal conversation with conversational cues rather than launching a full interrogation.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/05/2023 12:36

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 12:11

I find it sadder that people find it acceptable to ask about marriage and kids when the person hasn't mentioned either.

I find it sad that she felt so embarrassed she felt as though she had to explain.

I find it sad that a child free single woman in her 30s is pitied by some random she has never met before.

Maybe this is your cue to stop asking unprompted personal questions.

This!

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 28/05/2023 12:37

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

No, most people won’t ask that.

UseOfWeapons · 28/05/2023 12:39

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 12:11

I find it sadder that people find it acceptable to ask about marriage and kids when the person hasn't mentioned either.

I find it sad that she felt so embarrassed she felt as though she had to explain.

I find it sad that a child free single woman in her 30s is pitied by some random she has never met before.

Maybe this is your cue to stop asking unprompted personal questions.

Exactly. I’ve never had kids, nor do I have a partner, but I don’t regard asking someone if they have kids or a partner social chit-chat. It’s very intrusive, and can be very distressing for many people. The fact that you say she was embarrassed is more likely her discomfort around your thoughtless questioning.

Original poster
ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:41

@Any1Else I am a straight woman my darling 🙄

OP posts:
2bazookas · 28/05/2023 12:42

I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that.

I am trying to get my head round the fact that

A) you asked a stranger such intrusive questions
B) she revealed to a stranger, such intensely private information about her entire life and future.

I just don't believe it.

waterlego · 28/05/2023 12:43

I think asking people what they like to do in their free time is the safest question (and can yield the most interesting answers leading to interesting conversations).

Questions about relationships and children can be intrusive for the reasons already outlined. Equally, asking people what they do for a job can be awkward or difficult for some people. (I personally hated that question when I was a SAHM for a fairly long period as I felt people were sometimes judging me for not doing paid work).

BillyNighysWife · 28/05/2023 12:43

I think it’s normal and acceptable to ask someone at a party if they are married and have kids.

How on earth did you establish that she’s not asexual though? I can’t imagine that conversation with someone I had only just met.

AdvertisementBoard · 28/05/2023 12:43

Ha. I knew as soon as I saw the title of this OP, that the content would be something patronising and smug.

OP, as I say to my kids, there is more than one way to live a life. Stop with the faux concern and get on with your life.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 12:44

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 28/05/2023 12:37

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

No, most people won’t ask that.

Really? They absolutely do in my experience. Part of getting to know someone is asking about their home and family life, surely?

Panpastels · 28/05/2023 12:45

It's only sad if she is sad. And those are intrusive questions to ask.

AdvertisementBoard · 28/05/2023 12:46

I was out with my cousin and her husband last night. They are in their early forties, love all their nieces and nephews and are happily married. I have never once asked them if they are planning on having kids.

As far as i know, they could be ttc, wanting to be child-free or having ivf. I have wondered about it yes. But not in a million years would i ask them intrusive questions such as, are you having kids. not my business. There is so much more to talk about.

NuffSaidSam · 28/05/2023 12:46

I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it.

For you. And that's fine. Some people are really happy by themselves and so the tough times are not worth it. Different strokes for different folks.

I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

Unless you're very young you shouldn't really be that surprised that people live their lives in all sorts of different ways. You definitely shouldn't pity them because they haven't made the same choices that you have.

HisOliveTree · 28/05/2023 12:47

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

No, I've never asked anyone that. And I'm sure she doesn't want, or need, your pity.

2bazookas · 28/05/2023 12:47

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 12:24

I don't think asking someone whether they're married and have children is the big deal PP's are making it out to be. It's fairly standard "getting to know you" stuff in my experience.

Not in mine.

If I was at a party and a stranger/neighbour asked those questions I'd think they were mentally ill/ socially abnormal and rapidly excuse myself from their company. Damn sure I would not discuss my lifetime sexual and social experience and entire education history .

It's OP who is coming across as very sad.

TheHandmaiden · 28/05/2023 12:48

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 28/05/2023 12:37

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.

No, most people won’t ask that.

Perhaps you might refine this to say, most people with manners do not do this. You wait for the other person to bring these issues up if they want. You don't ask them directly.

I feel sorry for this woman, wilting under the breathless rudeness and feeling like she had to defend herself to a stranger. It must have been horrible.

saveforthat · 28/05/2023 12:50

I know a few (straight) women who have never had a relationship. Maybe I move in weird circles.

Krabappel · 28/05/2023 12:50

madnessitellyou · 28/05/2023 12:08

Why on earth is it any of your business to ask someone you've only just met if they're married with kids?

Fwiw I'm married with dc but had a very similar experience at school. I was never into the pub/club scene and really couldn't care less.

I don't think this is unusual or sad. And absolutely nothing to do with you.

This, absolutely. It's unfortunate that she doesn't have those things if she wanted it but OP you just sound patronising as hell

And not everyone likes pubs or clubs, why would that make you feel sad for anyone? Odd.