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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this deeply unusual and sad?

455 replies

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:04

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2023 13:11

GeriKellmansUpdo · 28/05/2023 13:00

Well, if it is normal, it shouldn't be.

What's your list of approved questions then. I bet someone would disagree with all of them. I don't like being asked what I do, for example, but I accept that it's a normal question.

girlfriend44 · 28/05/2023 13:12

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

Not many people ask me.

Jk987 · 28/05/2023 13:12

You need to broaden your social circle if you've never met any one single and childless before!

TheKobayashiMaru · 28/05/2023 13:13

She could just be asexual and not want to admit it to you. It's a hard thing to admit, especially with follow up questions.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 28/05/2023 13:13

I have already said upthread. Neutral ones at a first meeting.
Have you come far?
How do you know the host?
What are you watching/reading/doing with yourself?
That's a lovely top. Where did you get it?

SamW98 · 28/05/2023 13:14

JenniferBarkley · 28/05/2023 13:05

I think to never have been kissed by 39 is unusual. Not married and no kids hopefully not unusual at all these days now women have more choices in life. I don't think either is sad in the slightest.

I have a very dear friend who is 39, never married, never been kissed, no kids. She is one of the reasons I would never ask a stranger those questions, the other being my aunt and uncle who lost their beloved daughter. My friend gets weary with answering no to those questions and the resultant sympathetic head tilt.

I can think of several friends who would likely have been better off without marrying their arsehole husbands, although obviously their children are a different matter.

I have an acquaintance who is nearly 60, never had a long term relationship and never had kids.
Shes widely travelled and worked in Africa for several years in orphanages and for charities.
Ive known her 13/14 years and it’s never once crossed my mind to admit her why she’s lived the life she has. I’ve certainly never pitied her.

My view is if she wants to talk about her life, she will be the one to bring the subject up. It’s intrusive and rude to quiz her so as fir asking a random stranger - just no

IsadoraQuagmire · 28/05/2023 13:15

The only "unusual and sad" person in this scenario is the OP, who doesn't appear to have any social skills. The other lady sounds like she's living her best life to me.

AllyCart · 28/05/2023 13:15

I struggle believe anyone would ask someone they've only just met if they're married with children.

It's almost as if you think being married with children is all that validates a woman, never mind the potential for causing a lot of upset for the person you're asking such intrusive things of.

Even more staggering that so many on here seem to think that's a perfectly normal thing to ask a complete stranger.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/05/2023 13:16

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

They probably avoid social gatherings so they don't get people grilling them on why they are so unattractive, they haven't been able to find anyone for love and connection.

She'd probably have felt less lonely/shit if you'd have left the subject after you first embarrassed her.

Mardiarse · 28/05/2023 13:16

I’m single without kids, but I understand some people are trying to get to know you with these kind of questions, we all occasionally make a faux pas in conversation, or some people are just lacking tact, I don’t take it personal.
It’s quite easy to shut down these people with a straight forward no when asked, no need to launch into your previous trauma or reasons for it.

Riapia · 28/05/2023 13:17

OP This is AIBU any views expressed on here may not necessarily be those of the person posting them.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 28/05/2023 13:18

GeriKellmansUpdo · 28/05/2023 13:08

Circles where many people are from other cultures which don't wear wedding rings. I don't wear one.

Show quote history

I don't believe these "it's totally normal" posters move in fabulously multi-cultural circles. They're just nosy and lack social skills.

LlynTegid · 28/05/2023 13:19

Not having children, even excluding those who have been unable to conceive or carry a pregnancy to full term, is not unusual. No relationship at all is more so.

I agree with those who think it was intrusive or somehow wrong to have asked.

JudgeRudy · 28/05/2023 13:19

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

Slight digression here but I don't view it as social chit chat. It's incredibly personal. I play a weird game sometimes when asked these questions. I randomly chose a different answer. It doesn't matter what I say, the conversation is pretty predictable.....and tells you nothing about me

Stranger - do you have children?
Me - yes
S - oh what do you gave
Me - a boy and a girl
S - oh how nice, one of each
Or
Me - yes 5 boys
S - oh they must be a handful
Or
Me - yes a 2 year old daughter
S - oh that's a lovely age
Or
Me - yes one at uni one is 14
S - lovely
Me - yes twins, Billy and Bobby
S - twins! My SIL/friend/plumbers neighbour has twins
S - are they identical
Me - just the one

I haven't experienced this but I often wish I had the balls to say My baby died or lm technically married but my husband has left me for my sister.

AllyCart · 28/05/2023 13:22

Riapia · 28/05/2023 13:17

OP This is AIBU any views expressed on here may not necessarily be those of the person posting them.

You don't agree with the responses of others so you've decided they don't actually think what they they're saying they think?

Must be very hard to see out with your head so far up your own arse. 😂

Begonne · 28/05/2023 13:24

I’m really curious how old you are OP?

Catsmere · 28/05/2023 13:25

JudgeRudy · 28/05/2023 13:19

Slight digression here but I don't view it as social chit chat. It's incredibly personal. I play a weird game sometimes when asked these questions. I randomly chose a different answer. It doesn't matter what I say, the conversation is pretty predictable.....and tells you nothing about me

Stranger - do you have children?
Me - yes
S - oh what do you gave
Me - a boy and a girl
S - oh how nice, one of each
Or
Me - yes 5 boys
S - oh they must be a handful
Or
Me - yes a 2 year old daughter
S - oh that's a lovely age
Or
Me - yes one at uni one is 14
S - lovely
Me - yes twins, Billy and Bobby
S - twins! My SIL/friend/plumbers neighbour has twins
S - are they identical
Me - just the one

I haven't experienced this but I often wish I had the balls to say My baby died or lm technically married but my husband has left me for my sister.

Show quote history

My favourite response when randoms went down the “Are you married” path and responded to my “No, not interested” with “But don’t you want bayyybeeees?” was “The child I have will be the next King of France or I’m not having it.” It was sufficiently out of left field to make them STFU.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 28/05/2023 13:25

ToTheMax0 · 28/05/2023 12:20

Come on now, most will ask if a woman is married or has kids, it's just social chit chat.
The latter part of the conversation came about late in the evening when we were chatting more. She has never wanted kids so not an issue there, didn't seem sad particularly but do get the hint she is lonely. I know relationships are really tough at times but the connection and love is worth it. I was just surprised as I have never met anyone in her position before. That's all.

You were out of order asking her that straight away.

That’s the type of information that organically comes up during further conversation or days/weeks later, and if the conversation is flowing well and/or if the person feels comfortable enough to share it.

AbreathofFrenchair · 28/05/2023 13:25

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2023 13:08

"Men don't seem to have this issue"

People absolutely ask men whether they're married and have children.

Of course they do (when it comes to supporting your theory that asking about children and relationship status is acceptable)

I never ask peoples relationships status or child status, it's generally boring, doesnt define the person and is nothing to do with me.

There's a whole world of subjects out there to get to know someone. Even idle chit chat doesnt have to be based around those two sentences.

Like I said, it's most likely down to someone's limited life experience that literally have nothing else to ask

LinMortisanass · 28/05/2023 13:27

Jk987 · 28/05/2023 13:12

You need to broaden your social circle if you've never met any one single and childless before!

I don't think that's what OP is saying though. She's saying this lady was called ugly at school, it left her with so little confidence she didn't want to go out and socialise in pubs and clubs etc, and has ended up at the age of 39 with no partner or children. I agree with OP that is a sad story. She hasn't necessarily made a "choice" to be childless and without a partner. Sounds like the nasty bullies at school made her feel like she was too ugly to be loveable 😥

Lambstails · 28/05/2023 13:28

As someone who wasn't able to have children, I curl up and die inside when a comparative stranger asks me if I have kids......

imisscashmere · 28/05/2023 13:28

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 12:11

I find it sadder that people find it acceptable to ask about marriage and kids when the person hasn't mentioned either.

I find it sad that she felt so embarrassed she felt as though she had to explain.

I find it sad that a child free single woman in her 30s is pitied by some random she has never met before.

Maybe this is your cue to stop asking unprompted personal questions.

This!

dottypotter · 28/05/2023 13:29

I feel more sorry for you that you took it on board and then posted on a forum.

Bit bitchy tbh.
Wonder what she thinks of you?

AllyCart · 28/05/2023 13:31

My favourite response when randoms went down the “Are you married” path and responded to my “No, not interested” with “But don’t you want bayyybeeees?” was “The child I have will be the next King of France or I’m not having it.” It was sufficiently out of left field to make them STFU.

I like that. 😂

I wonder if responding to their question with an intrusive question of one's own might be another good one...

Intrusive questioner: "Are you married, do you have children?"
Victim's response: "How much do you earn?"

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 28/05/2023 13:31

Riapia · 28/05/2023 13:17

OP This is AIBU any views expressed on here may not necessarily be those of the person posting them.

And how did you come to this conclusion? 🙄