To find this deeply unusual and sad?

[ToTheMax0]

Met a 39 Yr old lady the other day at a small gathering at my neighbours.
I asked if she was married with kids and she looked embarrassed and said no to neither. Later on in the evening, she admitted she had never kissed a man or dated, nothing like that. Not assexual, just nothing has ever led her to a relationship and she's scared to date online but also, not entirely interested. She went to mixed schools but was teased for being ugly and then onto an almost all female college and university. Was never into the pub and club scene as a young woman either. Just find it sad for her.

Well, if it is normal, it shouldn't be.

You dont ask. You dont need to ask. You get a sense from whether they say "we went there" or "i went there". You know if they have children in their life by whether they talk about a child free evening or visits from university.

She may well have A very full life. And given how shitty A lot of marriages are she may well have dodged A bullet there.

I can't imagine meeting someone and asking those questions off the bat. Wouldn't you ask more general questions of a stranger?

A woman not being married and/or not having children and never having a long term relationship isn't sad. How patronising.

I really don’t think this is normal, social chitchat. I remember being told by a teacher at 13 never to quiz people about this kind of thing, as it can be so painful.

She felt comfortable enough to confide in you and you've blurted it out on MN. What a treat you are.

I wouldn't have asked if she was married with kids. For some people it's a painful topic.
Yes it's unusual to have not dated or kissed anyone by age 39 but it happens. It's often related to shyness or lack of confidence. I have a male friend who was a single virgin aged 40 (never kissed anyone). With him it was due to crippling shyness. He's now married to a really lovely woman with 2 kids. I didn't view his former situation as a failure. I don't view his current status as "married with kids" as a success. However, I am glad he's happy and had met such a kind woman.

I don't have children myself and I've been asked whether I have children loads of times.

Like I said in a previous post, it happens in all sorts of settings and has always been a topic of conversation when I've been getting to know people 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't push further if someone just said "no" and I'd never pity someone for their choices or circumstance but it's never once occurred to me that it could offend someone.

Then as I say, it must be who you mix with. People that are used to socialising with lots of people from varied backgrounds don’t ask these things. Boring people do.

Come on now, most people without an imagination, and whose own value rests solely on their marital status and kids will ask if a woman is married or has kids
^
Fixed it for you.^

It's social chit chat by Mike Leigh and the OP sounds like Beverly and the poor victim is Susan.

I think to never have been kissed by 39 is unusual. Not married and no kids hopefully not unusual at all these days now women have more choices in life. I don't think either is sad in the slightest.

I have a very dear friend who is 39, never married, never been kissed, no kids. She is one of the reasons I would never ask a stranger those questions, the other being my aunt and uncle who lost their beloved daughter. My friend gets weary with answering no to those questions and the resultant sympathetic head tilt.

I can think of several friends who would likely have been better off without marrying their arsehole husbands, although obviously their children are a different matter.

What are these circles where people don't wear wedding rings?

Wowsers.
I can just about imagine asking a random woman if she was married with children

I can't imagine asking a random woman if she was asexual, though.

Weird AF.

I’m in a very similar position to this woman. I hate that people judge my life as sad and pathetic. I feel like such an outcast and like people think my life is pointless without children or a relationship.

Me too. Men and women. We gravitate towards each other.

To me its faking interest.

All the topics in the world, all the questions to ask and yet it all boils down to asking a woman if she is married and has children.

Men don't seem to have this issue so why is that the only opening conversation and getting to know someone chit chat people can think of when they first meet a woman?

Is it your own limited life experience that's means they are the only two sentences that will lead onto subjects that you are comfortable with?

Exactly this. Sometimes people will say " Oh, I need to leave early to pick up my son from school" and THEN you can say " Oh, how old is he?" and so on... But not barge in asking if they are married with kids like the "smug marrieds" in Bridget Jones.

I think this is a pretty weird conversation to have with a stranger - I wouldn't ask.

"What are these circles where people don't wear wedding rings?"

People cohabit a lot more now don't they so they can be as good as married without wedding rings.

You sound pretty annoying, why were you asking all these questions of her?

"Men don't seem to have this issue"

People absolutely ask men whether they're married and have children.

Circles where many people are from other cultures which don't wear wedding rings. I don't wear one.

I fit the description of this woman very closely and no, it’s not sad, unless you count the lack of appealing men as sad (I had very narrow tastes when I still had any interest at all). I would never have wanted children even if I’d met a man I wanted a relationship with. I’ve had randoms coming out with “but don’t you want baybeeees?” lines over the years, and unlike the woman OP described I never felt remotely embarrassed by being single. Lack of a husband and/or children are not even on the list of my regrets or wishes or might-have-beens.

It's not normal to ask that when you first meet someone. It can be very painful and upsetting, it's too personal. If you think it is normal then you should reconsider! I'm currently going through separation after a very painful few months of discovering exactly what my 'D'H had been up to behind my back. If a person I've just met asked me about marriage/kids situation and it was his weekend with the kids I'd probably burst into tears!
Also knowing two of my friends who have lost children, one stillborn and one died in infancy. Being asked if you have children is always painful.

It's unusual but it isn't sad. It's also not a question I would ask someone, especially a woman because I hate that society asks that question more to women, like they can't be happy or fulfilled without a husband and/or children.

I'm more likely to ask people about hobbies, jobs etc instead.