Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

But she is your sister who you’ve known for almost 30 years.

It’s only been the last 6 years where you e been NC but you’re acting like she’s a complete stranger.

You know she’s your sister and it’s making you look really unreasonable by refusing to call her that.
I am NC with my dad but I still acknowledge that he’s my dad and I wouldn’t call him ‘the man’ or anything.

You don’t need to like someone just because they are your family but you can’t pretend that they’re not your family.

Meggy, gently, the language you are using to describe your sister is really, really telling. It's not just unusual to call your sister an 'adult human female', it's a sign that you are trying to denigrate her. It's not just that you're angry with her, it's that you want to hurt her. You're not able to do that in person so you're doing it here with demeaning language. If it was just about describing her, you'd say 'my sister', or 'her', but you are going to great lengths to use other, very odd and belittling language. I think that this is because you actually are not just angry with her, you are also feeling guilty. Indeed, this whole thread is about guilt really and other confused emotions. I say this as someone with a sister who I am also NC with. There are some times when people are so abusive that it is best for our wellbeing not to see them. I am not one of those naïve people who think you have to stay in contact with abusers just because they are family or that all family relationships are inherently precious. I think your anger is what needs processing. What I am seeing is a very close relationship with your mum, but perhaps so close that you are struggling to find space to allow for your own needs too. If your mum has, in any way at all, tried to pressure or guilt you into seeing someone you have made a considered decision not to see - that's wrong. Would it be hard to see your mum as a little in the wrong here? I think the guilt you feel is because you are not doing what your mum wants and because you feel bad about that. This means you are desperately trying to keep the anger you felt with your sister alive because without that being the dominant emotion, the guilt becomes unbearable for you. Don't call her an adult human female, just call her 'she' and see what actually comes up for you. The more you use this odd language, the more your discomfort with what you're doing shows. It is you you're hurting here now. And yes, it's fine to choose who to have contact with - for whatever reasons. Whether or not others would have agreed that your sisters behaviour was as bad as you think doesn't really matter. Draw your boundaries where you need to.

I think you're handling this very well, OP. I've been in the same boat as you, with a half sibling I haven't spoken to in years. Remain firm with your mum, who hasn't fully understood yet what kind of person your sister is, and is still in the grip of hope that she will change. Understandable, but you don't have to join in with that self-delusion. Your half-sister will soon out herself again for the sociopath she clearly is.

As for why she's like she is? Probably genetics.

A saying I came across on here some years ago was "Blood is thicker than water, but that only means it makes more of a mess on the carpet".

I quite like that.

You can put in place any boundaries you want but it's disingenuous to say you'd love a nephew when you have one and you're ignoring him.
Sisters can be difficult. They can take your DM's time away from you. They can be more volatile and more demanding of attention. That's what it's like having a sibling.
You seem annoyed not just by the holiday, but by the fact that she's very different from you. You're jealous she has come back into your DM's life and that's understandable. But you need to work out a way to make peace with your DM's relationship with her.

If she’s a domestic abuser violent to her parters, that would have an effect on her nephew who is probably at risk. This is more than siblings not getting on. Social services should be involved. That poor boy.

Yes, that would be a better and more understandable way to refer to her.

I feel sad for you. You are filled with anger and sadness and resentment and bitterness. Your childhood was probably very difficult. You have reached out to your half sister but been rejected and treated badly. You feel angry that you have to share your mother (whom you seem to utterly adore and feel very protective of) with such a person.

I’m going to say a couple of things you mightn’t initially like or agree with but think about them anyway.

Is your mother (whom you refer to as Mum with a capital letter) really as perfect as you think? She helped to create this childhood where you weren’t treated kindly by her partner at the time. I suspect your half sister didn’t have a great childhood either. And now, in this competition for what were probably scant emotional resources, you two are utterly divided.

Your mother is an adult with a partner. She does not need you to protect her from her daughter. Stop feeling upset on her behalf. You sound as if you spend a huge amount of time with her. How might your half sister feel about that? Having to struggle to see her mother without you constantly around and resenting her?

My advice (and I mean it kindly) would be to unmesh from this utterly toxic-sounding set-up. See your mother less, give her and your half sister some space. Give yourself some space and freedom. Step away from the lot of them for a while, focus on your own family and children. You’re an adult, not a child. Move forward and stop looking back all time. Give yourself time to grow.

Your relationship with your mum is your relationship, the same as your sisters relationship with your/her mum is their relationship. Both are nothing to do with each other. Your sister and mum are allowed to spend time together. Your mum is an adult so just let her get on with her relationship
with her daughter. I think you are coming across as jealous as looks like you had your mum to yourself for a while and now don’t like it as you are having to share her time.

IMO Sisters are special, someone to bond with throughout life and be your best friend, not nessassarily living close or in each others pockets once grown up but always there for you whether that be in person, phone or thought.

A sister in my eyes would not treat someone, in this case the OP in such an awful way.
Not deserving of being called called a sister..

But yes, legally she has a sibling.

If @Meggymoo777 had said 'brother' instead of 'sister' guaranteed many of the reactions would have been different. A violent and abusive 'sibling' who has been responsible for involvement of police and ambulance services along with Child Protection and some are more concerned with labels rather than what reads like utter carnage. Words and labels on a forum won't put you at risk but all the above certainly will.
Keep your barriers strong and firm @Meggymoo777

Which would reflect the severed relationship, the sister being depersonalized and held at arms length figuratively and literally. That may indeed be the healthiest way for OP to process a what seems to be trauma, rather than the red flag it’s being perceived as.

There’s no one size fits all way to handle a broken family relationship, and what is healthy for one can be detrimental to another. It’s up to OP to choose the language that works best for her, not for anyone else to dictate. A lot of posters here seem to be projecting their own feelings and preferences in regards their own relationships with half siblings, rather than allowing OP to define her own relationship. Others disliking the ‘half’ being highlighted is not her problem.

Ah, you never accepted that she is a blood relative to you. It happens sometimes - mine never did accept my existence, either. It can be quite lonely to find that people you believed because of genetics were your family despise you - and sometimes you can act like a twat because you know on some level throughout that they don't love you, they never loved you, they resented your life and they're just waiting for the opportunity to reject you completely.

It's, I think, a type of emotional abuse that older children unintentionally (usually, but it can be intentional as well) inflict upon the infant unfortunate enough to be alive in the same household.

It's safer for her child that he isn't exposed to you. Hopefully, the love of her mother for her own child will help mitigate the harm.

And her word would be taken.

When posters come on here and speak about abusive husbands they’re generally believed, not accused of misrepresentation and jealousy from the off.

So defensive! It’s just weird OP, and it doesn’t make you look good. That’s all people are saying. Christ, my dad abused me when I was a kid, I still refer to him as my dad, because he is, unfortunately. I don’t think you should be forced into a relationship with her, and I do understand the stress, I’ve been through the same with my brother, but it doesn’t make you above reproach either.

If someone was referring to their abusive husband as ‘that boy’ I guarantee you it would be picked up on. Ridiculous to suggest it wouldn’t.

I get this. I am NC with my middle sister.
She has done many questionanle things over the years but we (all family members) have bailed her out, put up with the crap etc all because of family loyalty. A few years ago the shit hit the fan, she made a decision to have an inapproprite relationship, all sorts came out the woodwork, turns out we all knew about various things the others didnt. Myself and my other sister went NC. I know this hurt our parents as they hated any form of aguring between us. My parents have a very close relationship with her and her partner, like your mum they cant see all the crap that has happened. (They probably do but arent willing to admit it as it hurts) my sister and i cant get on board with it and to us it feels like they have picked her and him over us. It has damaged our relationship forever.

OP i understand, it feels like you are doing the pick me dance and they dont so it hurts. No one here can tell you how to feel, you just feel the way you do. The only thing that helped me was to firmly put boundries in place with my parents that yes she maybe my sister but i dont like her and i want to hear nothing about her.

People who say i could never imagine being that way with my sibling/family etc, I think unless it happens to you, you cant fully understand all the feelings that go with it.

I disagree. There would be a lot more leeway and understanding given to a poster using those terms for an abusive male.

Its really hard to make a judgement on what is going on without knowing for sure that happened. But I appreciate that some people are just a nightmare to be around; though from OP's description she sounds so bad I wonder if her sister has mental health problems?

With regards to "not real sister" when you share a mum - to me this sounds completely wrong, and if OP had this attitude when they were growing up I'm not surprised they don't get on. I appreciate her sister is a nightmare but I wonder if OP would have been more tolerant of her behaviour if she was a "real" 100% sister. (Though maybe OP "disowned" her due to her behaviour, in a way "I don't have a sister anymore" - then its a different story entirely).

Also, your language is confusing - you say your sister is a serious danger to you and your kid - so, firstly, why is she allowed to be responsible for her own child, and secondly, why is your mum ignoring this? If your sister is dangerous to other people, why none of your family is doing anything about it - like having her sectioned or arrested? Or is she really not THAT dangerous?

In the end of the day, OP, its your decision to make, but you must be aware that your mum obviously doesn't think your sister is that terrible, and the fact you two not getting on really must hurt your mum.

I have to agree if op was posting about a violent man or boy who happens to share one parent she would be told of course she should avoid them.

Reading the thread, I'm obvs not the only one who's picked up on this.

No a sister is a sister.
Whether it’s full, half, step or adopted.

There have been multiple threads on here about people finding out they’ve got a long lost sister, or they’re meeting up with their sister who’ve they’ve not seen since birth due to all being in foster care or wanting a sister for their child etc.
No one on here says anything about them not actually being their sister because they don’t have a sisterly bond.

It is facts, it’s not about how someone treats you or how you treat them.

You don’t have to get on with your sister but she is still your sister regardless of whether you talk or not.

Forgot to add - from the context it sounds OP's sister has some sort of a problem like alcohol or drug addiction. If its true, then its a complete nightmare and I understand how mum might be enabling it. But also, if true - strange why OP did not mentioned it as it would explain a lot.

Can you not stop? This isn't about you. A woman came on here for help coping with what has been and potentially could be again a violent and abusive situation. All you have done is criticise her use of language. Wise up.

Well said @whumpthereitis

Whether I choose to call her a sister is my choice.
And I don't so like I said IMO she's my sibling.