Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

OP,

Sorry you have had to wade through so many victim blamers, language pendants 🙄.

She sounds horrendous.

Keep your child 100% away from her and hers.
No good will ever come of exposing your child to them

Your mother is doing what she wants to do and that unfortunately includes this awful woman regularly in her house.

I strongly recommend you step away.

You are doing yourselves, your mental health and your family zero favours by listening to your mothers tales of woe anout her.

Step away.

This is like an open sore that is really serving you zero purpose.

Your mother is taking your peace from you by talking to you about it.

You have a very enmeshed relationship with your mum and putting her ahead of whats good for YOU, all the while your mother is outting herself first.

I think you need more counselling to figure this out.

Why are you living your life for your family?

Why haven't you invested in friends and other relationships?

Your mother leans heavily on you, but quickly welcomes back this toxic person into your lives, even if she is your sister.

I think your mother and sister are closer than you think.

You are not making good choices here.

As others have advised, step away, do not visit for a while.

Tell your mother you don't want to hear about her or her drama.

See your mothers partner at your home.

You can invite your mother to your house, on your terms.

It is highly likely your sister will use your mother going forward, so you desperately need to look at your boundaries and protect yourself.

Your mother is giving her priority in her home but quite happy to dump all the drama on you.

This is your life going forward, probably years and years of it ahead of you.

You can tell your mum you love her, and care for her, but going forward you have no wish to be kept informed of the toxic drama of this person.

I repeat, your mother is suiting herself here, it most certainly not your best interests.

Also keep them the hell away from your children.

Because they don't share a father (and he wasn't much of one to the OP)

Why nitpick over facts?

I agree.
I posted this a few posts ago.

The mother is at the root of a lot of this.

That really isn't the main focus of this thread...

@Meggymoo777 Your mother knows of the abuse towards your 'sister's' exes and her child.

Why is she so forgiving?

You are nit picking over the facts. I’m sticking to them.

The facts are that they’re sisters (half, full or step is irrelevant) and acting like she’s a stranger and calling her ‘girl’ or the ‘adult human female’ is making OP sound unreasonable and her language is very telling of how the sister has probably been treated and pushed out over the years.

I wrote a long message and hit the wrong button. It's gone: Here's my tale

Vile older sister, hit and verbally abused me, all the time, in front of parents. They let it happen in front of their own eyes, all day, every day. It only stopped when I was fifteen. I will never forget that feeling of triumph and power the day I punched her back and told her that she would get the same any time she wanted to try it. I still see her standing in front of me, her t shirt ripped and ruined where I had grabbed it to punch her face. I want to go back and do it again right now.

They have forgotten it all and I don't mention it. It's pointless.

I turned out to be the decent, over achieving, grandchild producer, who supports my mum greatly through widowhood. Who needs a fucking weekend off when you can drive for hours, trying not to nod off, eat out of date food and watch box sets with ear plugs, as it's painfully loud, whilst she tells me the same things over and over. The only good thing about my weekends is "private passions" on radio 3 on the way back.

Big sister lives an hour away from my mum, doesn't work; hasn't worked for over a decade and visits 3 x a year (after my dad's funeral, it was nearly a year before she visited). She has been verbally abusive to my parents on many occasions, especially my mum.

Me, I just suck it up and have faciliatated their relationship and mediated between them. Now they are on good speaking terms. My mum is thrilled and when I visit often says: "I've got my daughter back". Me, I just do an invisible eye roll, do my duty and carry on. I keep in contact with my sister via banal texts. It's maybe 20 mins out of my week. I can spare that.

There is no point in being resentful or jealous. I expend my emotional energies wisely.

This post describes exactly my relationship with my sister. She treated me like shit from the moment I was born. As an adult though, she had learned and perfected the craft of getting as much as possible for nothing, leeching off anyone and everyone and being the most self centred asshole in the world and verbally abusive and nasty with it. I haven't spoken to her in 25 years and only see her at family gatherings where I avoid her as far as possible.

I would love to have a sister but I never really have as I had her instead.

Please do not budge. Make it clear to your Mum it will never happen and if she goes on, just say that you are not going to discuss it further. As a PP said upthread, it's only a matter of time before she finds some other sucker to drain and she will be gone like scotch mist.

The absolute last thing you should do is introduce your DC to hers. The fall out of that mistake would be horrible. Just because you are related to this person means very little in the big scheme of things.

With Mumsnet being a place that frequently & quickly advises people to 'go no-contact' with relatives when such damaging & selfish behaviour is described, I'm quite shocked at many of the responses you've had, OP.

Your feelings are absolutely valid and it's clear that you are very close to your Mam and don't want her hurt again.

You've been very calm and straightforward in your posts and I think you just need to mirror this when responding to your Mam, gently repeating that, while you support her in trying to rekindle her relationship with her younger daughter, it is equally valid for you to want to protect your own well-being.

It sounds as though she has MH issues. For whatever reason you have both been damaged by your childhood and your Mother is the linking factor. Perhaps there is guilt on your mother's part in her mess of a life. However, my children are loved unconditionally, they don't have to earn a place by my side and wider family would be told to back off, if they tried to question that. If you've gone through childhood trauma it generally takes into your 30's to start to make sense of things, that could be happening with her. CPS, if you are in the UK will also focus on her being in a good place. Most parents would take in their child, with their young baby, when they are struggling. I've had to tell my adult children to mtob when it comes to how I've parented my other adults child, who's needed extra support. Two of my Dad's don't speak and I respect that, but it does mean that I can't split myself in two, so at times, one misses out. Your Mother has two DD's, you don't get to monopolise her. I do think that you are putting stuff on her that is the fault of your Mother and Step father. But you have the right to set your boundaries and be NC. If she stays consistent, I would reconsider in a year, though, just so you can visit your Mother.

I cannot help but draw a parallel between how you speak of your sister and how your stepfather spoke of you. I think there is so much more to this story than an abusive younger sister. You both sound terribly damaged and your mother, as someone else said played a big part in this. Maybe one day you will unpick this.

@Meggymoo777 I think your getting a hard time op, the simple fact is you are estranged from a relative, you want nothing to do with her, you know if you do it will end up in disaster damaging both your mental health and potentially your child’s. And you’re worried about the impact on your mother who you have a close bond with and potentially your relationship with her. That’s all there is to it. You don’t need to explain any further, you’ve made it clear there is a long list of things that happened before you finally broke. Take no notice of those pushing for gory details.

I think it’s ridiculous saying seeing your parents 4 times a week is too much. I know people who see their parents every day and still have meaningful relationships. I only wish I could have had that.

As for “that girl” I have a cousin who is just pure evil, I only know a fraction of the things she has done. My grandmother would never say her name, she had plenty of other names for her. When others like my DF and his siblings referred to her it was always “that one” or “the other one” we all knew who they were referring to. I’m sure they also had plenty of other names for her. You’ve disassociated yourself from her so I don’t think there is any issue saying “that girl”. BTW my preferred reference for my brother is the dickhead or dickhead Dave.

I personally would definitely take a step back from your DM, just don’t pop round as much if she asks why just say your giving her space to deal with that girl and you don’t want to be involved. I’d not offer any helpful advice on the girls problems just say hhmm ok and you don’t think you should be getting involved given your feelings towards her.

You know it’s going to come crashing down so instead of getting stressed and worked up waiting for it to happen, take a step back and stop thinking about it until it dose happen.

"I suppose my difficulty now is, how do I navigate this now that this girl needs my Mums money and support and has 'welcomed' her back into her life? It is increasingly having an effect on me and my son in terms of when we see my parents. It's pissing me off that I even need to consider they might be at the house before I call, which I would have done 3 or 4 times a week."

She needs her mums support. Not your mums support. This is why people think you sound jealous. You can tell us you're happy for your mum that she's got her daughter back but that won't make it true. The thing that emanates strongly from your posts is that you wish she was still estranged from her mum. And that's awful.

You have both had a difficult childhood. Whereas you dealt with it by spending thousands on therapy since you were 20 years old, she has dealt with it by lashing out. It could easily have been you.

You are protecting yourself emotionally and physically, both with your language and with keeping your distance.

No matter what anyone tells you, protecting yourself is morally the right choice.

I am so sorry for the pain that it causes you to have to do this. It’s so hard to watch someone actively harming our loved ones. Your Mom is doing what is right for her by trying to have a relationship and being there for one of her children. But you can remind as often as needed her that you have to protect yourself and your son. She will understand. She’s fortunate to have you, one good, kind, loving, stable, healthy daughter. She knows that and it will see her through all the heartbreak caused by her other child.

It’s a fact that she’s a half sister. You’re making a judgement call that the qualifier is irrelevant, but that doesn’t mean that it is or has to be to the OP (or indeed anyone with a half or adopted sibling). You don’t have to like it, and OP doesn’t need your approval to use it.

It does sound like she has mental health issues, also not sure why the concept of forgiveness has to have anything to do with religion as you mentioned earlier

Of course she’d rather an abusive person wasn’t present in the life or that of her loved ones, regardless of the familial relationship. Given that she knows what her half sisters patterns of behaviors are she’s probably well justified in being concerned.

A lot of people who act horribly have a sob story that, while it may explain the behavior, neither justifies nor obliges anyone to tolerate being on the receiving end of it.

"A lot of people who act horribly have a sob story that, while it may explain the behavior, neither justifies nor obliges anyone to tolerate being on the receiving end of it."

Thanks for that but if you read my post you'll see that I was simply explaining why I think people are suggesting she's jealous.

I wouldn't have someone in my life that behaved in the way OP describes either, and I never said having a sob story excuses anyone.

I think I'd have called her worse tbh. I get it. I have cousins that I no longer consider family due to their behaviour. Lying and accusing me of abusing a pet because they were jealous that I saw more of this pet than they did. Abusing my mother over the phone and all sorts.

I bear no ill will towards her or her sister but want nothing to do with them, will not attend any event where they are present as my life is currently drama free and I like it that way. If they were in trouble I would not help them. I do not acknowledge them in the street.

I don't refer to them as cousins, just as 'the girls.' Or as uncle Xs daughters. I've never met their children, do not consider them family and would not want them in my life as their drama llama mothers would interfere and I wouldn't want an attachment to a child I might lose access to.

I think you are handling it correctly and I don't think it will last long tbh.

OP, this is the most sensible and understanding reply to your predicament. Most of the people criticising you will not have been in a similar situation to you, I am and I know how upsetting it is. I have been NC with my older brother for many years for reasons that, like you, I don’t really want to discuss. He also cut off my parents when he didn’t get what he wanted, stopped them from seeing his children ( although they had previously been very involved in their lives) and refused to come to our fathers funeral. Now that our mother is in her 90’s, he has resumed visiting (very) occasionally and she often seems upset after he has been. I imagine that he is broaching the subject of inheritance or other money matters with her as that has always been what he was most focused on but I don’t ask. She knows not to discuss him with me, just mentions that “a visitor” will be calling in at such and such a time, so that our paths don’t cross. I hope he realises that once she is no longer around, I’ll have no compunction in letting everyone know what he did! And if that sounds vindictive, believe me he deserves it

I don’t think anyone has said to go no contact.

But she is very enmeshed with her mother and her mother’s business instead of getting on with her own adult life.

Also in her eyes her mother can do no wrong. But her mother has gone from partner to partner, including a partner who wasn’t very kind to her older child, and has managed to raise not one but two daughters who, as adults, are suffering a great deal of bitterness and mental anguish.

Fact is just because you share some dna doesn’t make someone actually feel like family. If op doesn’t feel like she has a family bond with her that’s between them not some stranger on the internet saying but dna she’s your sister 🙄

@Meggymoo777 - I've read the first half of your thread and skimmed the rest.

The relationship between you and your half-sister is clearly untenable. The tone of your posts reveals an understandable bitterness. That's okay: when someone screws us over, anger is a thoroughly healthy response. Call her what you want in your own head, write a journal in which you spill out your feelings, vent on MN - it's what we're here for. Rhetoric about forgiveness and 'being the bigger person' isn't always helpful. The 'people grow and change' posts upthread are IMO unfortunately unrealistic when it comes to people like this. NC is your right, and FWIW I think is the right decision.

The above is said with this disclaimer: you should be careful. Your half-sister is playing this one cleverly (you've said yourself she's a piece of work). At present she's positioned herself as the vulnerable one: she's broke, her relationship has failed, and in addition (and most dangerously from your perspective) she and your mother are at present a team. They both want the same thing: contact between you to resume.

All this leaves you in an invidious position. You see yourself as the 'good daughter', the one who's been there to support your parents through everything. But at present, you are the barrier to your DM achieving the outcome she wants: the very understandable desire for a united family. Be very careful not to play into your Machiavellian sister's hands. Because, at present, you risk affirming her victim narrative, allowing your mother to conclude that you are the problem, and leaving yourself on the outside.

As to the reason for this, this brings me to the numerous posts upthread about the language you use about your half-sister. Normally I'd dismiss that as the usual Mumsnet habit of splitting hairs over trivialities and making an already distressed poster feel even worse than she already does. On this occasion - and I mean this as supportively as possible - I think these posters have a point. Your not-so-dear-sis is also your mother's daughter. You can think of her as That Girl, 'sister' in scare quotes or Adult Human Female as much as you want to, but it would be foolish to make anyone else a present of that opinion. Do not under any pretext attempt to invalidate her relationship to your family. If you try, you're giving her ammunition to spin the narrative with you as the troublemaker. What your mum will see is her life being made difficult by you, not her. It's unfortunate, and bloody unfair, but I've seen these manipulative types in action before and this is sadly all-too-frequently the outcome.

Your safest course is to tell your mother gently that a reconciliation between you and Not-Full-Sis is never going to happen, and to suggest it's best for all concern that you don't discuss her. And then don't. At all.

I'm sorry, OP, it really does suck to have someone like this in your family. Your only comfort is, if sis is as awful as you say then the outcome is predictable. She will end up out of the picture (again) and you'll be left picking up the pieces (again).

I don't blame you one bit for being angry. But you can only control your own responses, not other people's. I wish you luck 🌹

Are you the thread police?
People are commenting on OP’s language as it communicates something about the situation we were invited to evaluate. (AIBU and all…)

I'm afraid OP that I think you are very cruel.
•You claim to be supportive to your mother but are hurting her deeply.
•You have an innocent nephew that you ignore.
•You are refusing to allow your child a relationship with his cousin.
•You use demonising language
• You point blank refuse even a bare civility for your mums sake.

You say you are kind, supportive & loving to your parents & child and yet you cannot understand unconditional love of a mother.

I do believe this woman has hurt/upset/triggered you.

But if I were your mum I would be so so so disappointed in you & wonder where I had gone wrong.

Where had I failed in parenting to have a daughter who cannot countenance that people change & causes family rifts & drama because she is stamping her feet &'saying "I will
Not"
You are a grown woman. Be civil at family occasion for your mum &'the kids sake & grey rock for yourself if you must.

I don't think I'd be able to hide my utter dismay at you.

Your poor mum.