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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

302 replies

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 04:13

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

OP posts:
Velvian · 28/05/2023 10:30

It would help you to realise @Meggymoo777 that the way refer to your half sister, whether it is 'this girl', 'this woman', or (bizarrely) 'adult human female' reflects very badly on you and doesn't say anything about her.

It is also really misogynistic to be using all of these terms as insults. Please reflect on that part of it if nothing else. You are hurting yourself with this.

pineapplejo · 28/05/2023 10:31

In that case accept your mother is an adult and can make her own decisions on her relationship with your sister and you tell your mother you no longer want to hear about her. I am nc with my sister. This is what I had to do and tbh on reflection my mum was shit stirring the whole saga by tittle tattling between me and my sister so a short sharp that's enough we will not be discussing her definitely put a stop to lots of negative processes to do with it.
I do still think you sound a bit of a martyr. Best to let it go, get on with your life and maybe get counselling to see that any form of discussion about your sister with your mum is not a positive thing for you. Which I think you know deep down is true but you're grasping on it all for control because it hurts.

Batalax · 28/05/2023 10:31

I can see why you don’t want to get involved with your nephew only for the relationship to be ripped apart in the future. That’s not fair on you or your kids, and it’s not really fair on him either to lose you.

For the same reason you need to protect yourself by not hearing about, or discussing your sister with your mum, as I said earlier in the thread. Leave them to it.
Check that she isn’t there when you visit and kindly remind your mum you don’t want to know anything about their relationship. You can do this in a kind way, just set your own boundaries for your mental health, whilst respecting your mums right to unconditionally love your sister. Just don’t get involved at all. Stay out of it. You know it’s a car crash waiting to happen, so emotionally remove yourself by not hearing the details.

Naunet · 28/05/2023 10:31

‘This adult human female’?! Ok, you just sound like a bitter misogynist now. You clearly see yourself as the mature, wise, sensible one, but this really doesn’t make you sound like it. You know you could just refer to her as my sister, she, her name etc.

unbelieveable22 · 28/05/2023 10:31

This is one of those threads where posters should at least be courteous enough to read @Meggymoo777 posts. She has explained clearly in subsequent posts as to why her relationship with her "sister" is so damaged.

She has reached out to her before only to have been punished. How many more times? She picks up the pieces when her "sister" hurts her Mum so of course she is going to care.

You've had some very supportive posts here OP. Concentrate on those and ignore the rest. Good luck and take care of yourself and your own family.

TeenLifeMum · 28/05/2023 10:32

Your mum has 2 daughters and it sounds like you don’t like to share. That’s how this comes across. Your sister has a different dad who affected you emotionally… do you think maybe he affected your sister too and that’s why she is the way she is. Sometimes siblings make poor choices and need different amounts of attention but you don’t want your perfect world upside down. That’s understandable but unrealistic.

Families are complicated and you’re not coming across as great either. The way you speak about your sister is unkind - that’s not saying she’s not a twat. You can choose not to have her in your life but your mum is totally allowed to dedicate time to her child who has problems.

sandragreen · 28/05/2023 10:34

Honestly OP, no matter how much therapy you have had, it isn’t enough.

You sound overly enmeshed in your mothers life. You talk about having to “make room “ for your sister. You aren’t six any more.

I suspect you won’t be happy until you’ve made your mother “choose” and what if the child she chooses isn’t you?

Comtesse · 28/05/2023 10:34

you’d be better off on the Relationships board. None of this “oh but you must see your nephew/ your poor mum” guilt. Sometimes siblings just don’t get on, and NC is more common than you might think.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:34

Velvian · 28/05/2023 10:30

It would help you to realise @Meggymoo777 that the way refer to your half sister, whether it is 'this girl', 'this woman', or (bizarrely) 'adult human female' reflects very badly on you and doesn't say anything about her.

It is also really misogynistic to be using all of these terms as insults. Please reflect on that part of it if nothing else. You are hurting yourself with this.

Don't know why you think I'm using these phrases as insults? If I wanted to use insults I'd call her this bitch etc.? It's merely descriptive language

OP posts:
TeaParty4Me · 28/05/2023 10:37

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:23

No... she's biologically my half sister

Show quote history

Yes so she’s your sister.

So why not say that instead of ‘girl’ or ‘adult female’ ?

Velvian · 28/05/2023 10:38

Because you are classifying her @Meggymoo777 , rather than treating her as a fellow human with a name and role within the family. Even serial Killers are afforded names and familial contexts.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:38

unbelieveable22 · 28/05/2023 10:31

This is one of those threads where posters should at least be courteous enough to read @Meggymoo777 posts. She has explained clearly in subsequent posts as to why her relationship with her "sister" is so damaged.

She has reached out to her before only to have been punished. How many more times? She picks up the pieces when her "sister" hurts her Mum so of course she is going to care.

You've had some very supportive posts here OP. Concentrate on those and ignore the rest. Good luck and take care of yourself and your own family.

Thank you @unbelieveable22 I really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and understand that this has been years and years in the making. I'm upset right now because she's treated my Mum like shit, completely isolated her from her grandchild, I've been there all this time as support and now I need to make changes to my own life and my DCs life, because her relationship has ended and she's decided she wants back in again... until the next man comes along I guess.

OP posts:
Naunet · 28/05/2023 10:39

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:34

Don't know why you think I'm using these phrases as insults? If I wanted to use insults I'd call her this bitch etc.? It's merely descriptive language

Show quote history

Yeah I’m sure it’s exactly how you talk about your friends too ‘oh I’m meeting this adult human female for lunch tomorrow’…🙄

whumpthereitis · 28/05/2023 10:39

OP has clearly chosen the terms she wants to use for her half sister, I don’t know why some posters are continuing to try and force their own preferences here.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:42

Because I really don't see her as a sister @TeaParty4Me - when people ask if I have siblings I say no. PPs took umbrage with me saying girl so I've used adult human female, a factual term

OP posts:
Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:43

@Naunet but she's not a friend? I've used descriptive language when referring to her.

Really don't know why people are so hung up on how I describe her... I think I've been very kind with my descriptions, I could say an awful lot worse about her given her behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:44

Velvian · 28/05/2023 10:38

Because you are classifying her @Meggymoo777 , rather than treating her as a fellow human with a name and role within the family. Even serial Killers are afforded names and familial contexts.

Yes, I'm classifying her. She's a terrible human being and I think I've been quite kind in my description of her

OP posts:
Velvian · 28/05/2023 10:46

If you said 'Ex Sis' , 'Not very Dsis' 'estranged half sister' 'nasty sister' that wouldn't have the jarring and distracting affect.

Classifying what she is as a species is dehumanising.

Naunet · 28/05/2023 10:46

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:43

@Naunet but she's not a friend? I've used descriptive language when referring to her.

Really don't know why people are so hung up on how I describe her... I think I've been very kind with my descriptions, I could say an awful lot worse about her given her behaviour

Exactly, so don’t pretend you’re not doing it to be derogatory when you wouldn’t talk about a friend like that. It’s misogynistic. I’m not saying you have to call her your sister (although it seems petty not to, but whatever), but if you want the high ground, act like an adult.

Tandora · 28/05/2023 10:48

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:43

@Naunet but she's not a friend? I've used descriptive language when referring to her.

Really don't know why people are so hung up on how I describe her... I think I've been very kind with my descriptions, I could say an awful lot worse about her given her behaviour

Because your descriptions aren’t kind. They are derogatory, demeaning, dehumanising. It communicates a lot about how you feel about your half sister and where you are psychologically/
emotionally, etc. you have presented the scenario as entirely one sided and very black and white - good daughter/ bad daughter,
the one who’s tried to rise above / the one who has behaved appallingly,
the one who has no fault/ the one who is to blame for everything. Your use of language tells a different story…

Gatehouse77 · 28/05/2023 10:48

Like you, I don't believe that just because someone is related to you (by blood or marriage) means you should have to put up with inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour. Why should I spend time, energy and headspace on anyone who has lost my respect through their own actions? And repeatedly?

My mother had a very draconian view on duty and obligation and 'family' but seeing the toxic behaviour in her family I could understand. Didn't mean I had to follow and I refused to engage with a particular uncle despite her attempts at emotional blackmail (which were short lived when she knew I wouldn't budge). And if she knew the troubles and stress he caused myself and my siblings after she died, I think she'd accept I was right. But she wouldn't rock that boat.

As others have said, you are in a tricky position but, if it were me, I'd just have a stock response ready. And as for your language on here, who gives a fuck how you refer to her outside of where it would be inappropriate? We called my uncle The Arsehole but not to his face or in any communications outside of us siblings.

My father went on to have 2 more children with his second wife. I have no relationship with either of them (his doing) and think of them as his children and not in any way related to me. Not sure I'd even recognise them. It wouldn't even cross my mind to think of them as half sisters!

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:51

This place is funny sometimes, the things people get hung up on! Never been called misogynistic but if referring to a female by biological terms in misogynistic, then sure, I'll take it.

Shall I refer to her as the lying, cheating, violent, unstable cunt of a woman from now on? Would that be better?

Anyway, think this thread is done. Was really just looking for someone to tell me that I was maybe a little bit justified in feeling upset at the upheaval of my life yet again, as a result of the whims of this person. Came the wrong place obviously.

But cheers for the laughs about my use of language, it's actually made me smile a bit

Thanks so much for everyone who took the time to actually read, consider and respond with constructive feedback, advice and thoughts x

OP posts:
Emmaheather · 28/05/2023 10:51

whumpthereitis · 28/05/2023 10:39

OP has clearly chosen the terms she wants to use for her half sister, I don’t know why some posters are continuing to try and force their own preferences here.

I think because they are concerned that OPs language is hostile and depersonalising. Although understandable, it's likely to throw fuel on the fire, increasing OPs negative feelings towards her sister and doesn't bode well for OP handling the family situation in a calm and considered way.

StaceyF90 · 28/05/2023 10:53

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 10:42

Because I really don't see her as a sister @TeaParty4Me - when people ask if I have siblings I say no. PPs took umbrage with me saying girl so I've used adult human female, a factual term

I'd imagine in conversion with people OP knows, she uses her half sisters name. Probably not something she wants to post online.

Sorry you are having to go through this OP

FlamingoQueen · 28/05/2023 10:54

I would not be surprised if you left this thread! Honestly, some people are just thick as shit and just get hung up on one word! It doesn’t matter if she’s a second half cousin, related through marriage (is that even possible?), it’s the fact that she is having such an impact on your life and your mothers life.
Stand firm and support your Mum because I expect, she will need it in the next few months.
Good luck.