Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

This.

I also can't imagine what could be so "unforgivable" that OP's sister did on holiday and the OP is probably leaving it out of her posts as it's most likely not that heinous.

@Meggymoo777- I’m going to do what a worrying number of posters on this thread have failed to do, by answering your actual question. Because nowhere have I seen you ask if anyone thinks your half-sister deserves another chance, or whether you should try to re-establish a relationship for the sake of your mother, nephew or anyone else. As far as I can see, you have made your decision - and what you actually asked about was how to handle this with your mother.

On that score, I think you have to be as detached as possible, as difficult as that might be. Clinical even. You need a stock phrase that you can fall back on - “Mum, I know you want Jane in your life, but I don’t. I won’t change my mind, so don’t ask” or similar. Another poster a few pages ago suggested a softer option if you’d prefer that; something along the lines of “I’m sorry, I know a reunion is what you want, but I don’t”.

Be prepared for your half-sister to do all she can to make you the villain of the piece. Give her as little ammunition as possible. Also be prepared for pushback from your wider family. Just look at how many mawkish cries of “But she’s your siiiiiiister!!” you’ve had from complete strangers on this thread, never mind people who are actually involved. People will not like this decision - all you can do is make it clear it’s non-negotiable.

As for your half-sister’s presence making it harder for you to see your mother, I’m afraid that’s out of your control. I am a strong believing in personal agency, so while you have used yours to decide to cut your half-sister out, your mother has made a different decision. Respect it and don’t try to change it.

•You have an innocent nephew that you ignore.
•You are refusing to allow your child a relationship with his cousin.

I don’t know where to begin with the rest of your batshit post, @beachcitygirl, but if you can’t find any empathy for the OP, at least apply some practical thinking.

OP’s nephew is a preschooler. Contact with him requires contact with his mother. How do you expect her to build a relationship with him, and one between him and her children, without a relationship with her half-sister? It isn’t really relevant at this point whether the OP, the half-sister or neither is fully in the right or wrong - no mother is going to (or should) have to facilitate a relationship between their child and a relative they themselves do not have contact with.

Am not sure why the OP is being berated for not having a relationship with her nephew (aside from the very practical limitations of his age etc) yet the nephews mom has lied about his parentage and consequently said child is growing up without a scooby doo who his father is, whilst ex partner erroneously believes the child is his

Batshit is right.

Deprivation of a relationship with a nephew🙄

She can call her awful sister anything she wants.

She doesn't consider her half sister anything other than a nasty abusive witch and if she wants to call her "that girl" it is absolutely her right.

Her mother and her sister are very alike, very much about themselves.

The best thing OP can do for her child is step well away from them both.

Your son would be used and very vulnerable if you allowed him near her or her child.

Unlike your mother when you were young, protect your child.

OP is definitely leaving a lot out.
The sister went NC for 6 years for a reason.

Yes it’s annoying for OP that her sister went NC with them both and left OP ‘picking up the slack’ with her mum but her mum is happy her daughter is back in her life and OP needs to keep her jealousy to herself.

I don’t think she needs to be best friends with her but she should be civil and accept the fact that her mum is happy.

Well, I'm certainly a +3 on the theme of 'this post is batshit' - the post accusing OP of gratuitous cruelty, that is.

OP is very clear that she loves and supports her mother and wants to continue the relationship with her, but the position with half-sister is non-negotiable. It's a delicate position to navigate. Abusive types tend to be manipulative - if they can be physically abusive a bit of emotional abuse is hardly beyond them - therefore if OP wants to achieve the first objective, she needs to be a bit savvy about the way she navigates the second.

Eh? Where are you getting the idea that the half-sister went NC? The opening post clearly states it was the OP who cut ties with her. Neither does she suggest half-sister hadn’t been in contact with their mother at all during that time - she specifies that the relationship was up and down and sometimes non-existent.

Posted above too soon.

OP has clearly given thought and consideration as to the real implications of her decision and is aware of the actions and consequences correlation. A casualty is her relationship with her nephew, and her child's relationship with their cousin. Clearly this cuts deep - and the poster to whom you are responding has rubbed salt in that particular wound, lending the clear conclusion as to who is really being cruel here (it's not OP). The benefits vs. risk assessment has clearly been conducted, and the undoubted benefit of children's relationship with a wider family sometimes does tip the scales more toward the risk factor if that family dynamic is harmful and poses more damage than good.

It's a decision some less fortunate people have to make in the interests of their families' wellbeing, but as those who have made it are painfully aware, it never comes without cost.

In OP's situation, the cost is evidently just not worth it. But if she doesn't want her relationship with her own mum to be a casualty as well, the That Girl stuff needs to be dialed back in her presence at least. It will do nothing to help nurture that relationship.

I was referring to the OP having no contact with her estranged half-sibling, not her mother.
Also, it's unkind to refer to the OP's mother as 'going from partner to partner.' I imagine not many of us can say we've been with one man all our lives.

If it wasn’t the sister that went NC (or little contact) then OP wouldn’t be annoyed that she’s come back into their lives.

If it was OP that went NC then she wouldn’t be saying about all the things she’s done for her mum whilst her sister hasn’t done any of it.

The sister has come back into their lives not the other way around, therefore she’s the one who would have gone NC or LC.

It does create instability for your children though, once you have them, like it or not. And some women will insist on moving in a new partner who doesn’t like her existing child.

After reading all of the ports I honestly think that is there is a situation like OP's (or another poster's here who's sister used to physically abuse her) its entirely parent's fault. I also now think that OP's mum and stepfather did/ did not do something to both girls to create this situation.

No idea how this can be addressed/ remedied.

It’s not “their” lives though, is it? It’s their mother’s life. OP still wants nothing to do with the half-sister SHE went NC with (as is made clear in the opening post).

OP describes her mother’s relationship with her younger daughter as having been “up and down, and sometimes non-existent”. This doesn’t mean either side actively cut contact. People can fall out without one person being the active instigator.

Op went nc with her sister.

Sounds like the sister went nc with mum however which just being questions. However if the sister is abusive it could be a simple holding the grandchild “hostage” over the mother so that when she does return she gets what she wants. Which she is. Or the mother is also a horrible person but so is the sister since both the sister and mother have been cut of by one of the children.

Without knowing what sister did, I'm not sure how anyone can really comment

I have a step-sister. We didn't grow up together. Her mother moved into our family home after I'd married.

I didn't much like SM but she was very good to my dad and a reasonable GM to my children. I didn't mind my SS but I hated her husband, her brother and thoroughly disliked her children. I had my own sister who felt the same as me and no doubt they weren't bothered about us.

There is no way she was my sister and she would have felt the same. And I could barely bring myself to be in the same room as her creepy brother so he was no relative of mine!

It appears that her own child shouldn't be exposed to her either!

Are you blaming the OP for her sister's behaviour?

Stealing, lying, violence, abuse, appalling treatment of my mother. Domestic abuse of partners and abusing her child so that SS are involved

Is that enough?

@Meggymoo777

Call her anything you want, it's nobody's business but yours. If you don't think of her as a 'sister' (and I don't blame you) then you needn't call her your sister. After what you've said, I wouldn't honor her with that title, either! So for purposes of my post, I will refer to her as 'that woman'.

As far as you mum goes, you know, I think it may be time (for both of you) that you gently tell your mum that you no longer want to hear about anything regarding that woman. Not her 'troubles', not her life, nothing. You don't want to be consulted nor will you provide help or support to your mum in dealing with a situation that is or may become damaging to your mum's emotional or financial health. You are spending too much emotional 'coin' in helping your mum deal with 'that woman's' problems and issues, and you are in danger of depleting your own emotional reserves. Sometimes tough love is the right thing. For yourself as well as the person you are concerned about.

You have a close relationship with your step-dad. Let him serve as a concerned 'eye' on your mum's relationship with that woman. If he feels you need to be come involved or that you are going to be deeply 'disadvantaged' by something your mum is considering, he can let you know. But the only way your mum is going to learn how damaging that woman is to your mum is for your mum to carry the 'weight' on her own.

Go with your instincts, don't be forced into anything you don't feel comfortable with, despite how that makes your mother feel because you tried in the past and history may repeat its' self, as the leopard does not change its' spots.

Maybe we can’t comment on whether the OP was justified in cutting off her half-sister - although frankly, no one owes anyone a relationship, family or not. But in any case, OP didn’t ask “Did I do the right thing?” She wanted advice on how to deal with the situation with her mother. That doesn’t actually require a viewpoint on OP’s relationship with her half-sister.