To want a flashy car to fit in?

[Lustingovercar]

I currently have a small- medium sized EV. Not a premium or anything. Really could do with a longer range EV or go back to ICE. (We no longer fly so holidays are exclusively drive and EV is a bit tricky - current range is 120 miles but on motorway get less than 100) Also have 3 DC and two large dogs so it’s hard to fit in current one.

We live in an area where cars do matter. There’s a lot of premium brands in our area, on school runs etc. I would like to be seen in a big beautiful car (just being honest here because I can on MN!) however I like the fact that my EV is better for the environment. We can afford a big LR Discovery and it would be easier for the kids etc BUT should I really just buy one to fit in?

Lots of mums who lunch/ swishy hair/ large premium SUVs in my area. I work, and drive a small car. I can’t help feeling that I’d fit in a bit more (and, yes, find it easier to make friends) if I had the ‘right’ car.

Please be kind, as I’m just being honest and seeing what people think..

What utter rot.

But what a horrible, shallow world we'd be living in if that were how people judged other people.

Does an expensive car really confer 'respect and admiration' from people? A certain type of person maybe.

Personally, people get my respect if they are the sort of decent, thoughtful human being that deserves respect, not because they drive a particular lump of metal.

I drive a decent enough car but I can't imagine anyone I know judging me one way or the other because of it. But perhaps that's because I don't mix with the vulgar, shallow type of people that would only deem someone worthy of their 'friendship', or not, because of the car they drive.

@Reality25 Yep I judge people who drive a shiny new German saloon, I always think shallow self absorbed shit driver who's so bothered about trend they buy some of the most unreliable cars on the road 🤣

Well there you go! Exactly my point, you make a judgement.

I even specifically mentioned that it may not be a good judgement. But it will change your perception of the owner. Maybe slightly, maybe a lot, depending on how much value you give to cars, how close you are to the owner etc etc.

Same can be said for the clothes you wear, or the house you have, or the university you went to, or many other things that form a part of who you are.

If your friend came to your house in a Ferrari one day, what goes on in your head?

Newsflash - you form an opinion about it. A judgement.

"Judge" - verb - "to form an opinion or estimate".

Probably you'd ask them about it and then your opinion would change based on their response.

@Reality25 on the off chance that you're a real person, I genuinely have no idea at all what car any of my friends drive. Or even if they have a car.

I realise this may be difficult for you to comprehend, but it is true.

I judge people who drive like dicks, because they are endangering other people's lives. I don't notice what particular model of car they're driving if they do that.

If a friend drove a ferrari to my house, I'd have no idea, because I don't look at their cars. I'm sorry to break this to you. People mostly don't give a shit.

@AsphaltGirl I think that one of my friends has a .... silver car? And another has a grey one?

You're doing better than me there! I think one of my friends once had a red car. But I wouldn't bet even a fiver on it

EmptyBedBlues · 27/05/2023 23:50

Meanwhile, the rest of us trudge about in the dust with dung on our faces, pointing at passing Cortinas.

I don't care about cars very much at all, as long as they don't break down all the time, which was not a given until fairly recently (I grew up in the 70s).

But EmptyBedBlues is very funny.

I hate to break it to you but you're just lieing to yourself to try to save face.

Certainly have made me chuckle for the week so thanks though!

OP, even in this thread you have seen the fear from certain individuals when they realise "oh shit, people judge me by my car".

Many many people don't wish for it to be true. They want to be judged by "what's on the inside" and "who they are as a person".

The world is not so fragile I'm afraid. Your decisions and choices combine to give a presentation of who you are to others. Only you know who you are exactly. Everyone else just see what you present to others.

You will be judged by different people by differing levels on your house, your car, your photos on social media, your clothes, your job, your education etc etc.

It's just life, you don't need to live in constant stress about it but certainly be aware of it and don't be one the ostriches with their heads firmly stuck in the sand trying to deny the reality of the world to protect their fragile self-esteem.

Drive a banger - be thought of as poor.

Drive a brand new sports car - be thought of as rich and successful.

Make the change and you'll find out in a flash 😀

@Reality25 Without trying to be funny here, how do you know what car someone drives? At work, there's a bunch of cars in the car-park. I suppose I've sometimes seen people getting in/out of them but I don't then remember which car belongs to whom. At home, people drive up, get out of the car, ring the doorbell. I have never looked to see what the car is.

I couldn't even tell you what cars my neighbours have other than "small blue one." Maybe it's just me.

The wealthiest (as in multi-millions of family money) and poshest person I know zips around in a beaten-up golf. The cars you are talking about are naff.

I really want to know where you live for this to actually be a concern???
I live in an expensive area and this is definitely not a thing.
I can't see how what car you drive helps with friendship either? Now if they all go to the gym, beauty parlour then lunch that's probably what you should be doing to make friends with that group?
But is that you, are those your people if you are not the gym and lunch brigade?
Are you more the working mum group instead?
My mum friends are the working mums who I actually have things in common with IE slightly stressed and juggling life, the car fits the kids in but I can't tell you what they drive.
Cars are not something to worry about for social reasons.
Men tend to stand around discussing cars I notice but round here they seem to get excited over strange project cars, camper vans and dream sports cars ( they can't actually get the whole family in).

You do sound like you need a car to take on longer drives though.

@Reality25 is right, but so are the others who disagree because both kinds of people exist.

Bizarrely neither @Reality25 or the detractors from their pov seem to realise both things can be true depending who you are talking to. @Reality25 doesn't accept people who don't pay attention to cars exist, but they do, and if those people do notice a car it has little impression, it's a fact, however they are also right that many many people would reach a conclusion based on a car, and some of those will view you quite differently because of it.

The conclusions people reach when/if they judge you on your car might be very different. So flash car might equal 'awesome, fellow petrol head and rich, would love to be friends' and another night think 'oh god another gas guzzler as though the world needs another of those, this person isn't someone I would likely have much in common with'

the question as to whether people judge on cars (judge on the strongest sense here, not in the neutral mild conclusion way, but the 'you stand or fall on the car you drive' way) isn't really the point of the thread though, loads of people do we all know... the question is whether those to whom your car really really matters are the people you pursue relationships with, or bend yourself out of shape for. Those people who are in that camp would play the game of car status, but there are many who aren't, you just need to pick your tribe.

It's not just you don't worry.

As you say, cars don't really interest you and you don't often make associations of cars and people consciously.

But let's say your friend invites you for a day out and volunteers to drive.

You then will make an association. A judgement.

The judgement may also just be that they drive a thoroughly average car that is not noteworthy and so it quickly goes to the back of your mind and you forget all about it. Your brain still made that judgement though. "Friend X's car is normal and as expected."

@PimpMyFridge Thank you for putting it so well! I am fully aware that some people judge on cars/clothes etc. I happen to judge on other things (education, for instance, which I know is just as problematic in its own way). I was bridling a little at the assertion that I and others have "fragile self-esteem" and are "denying the reality of the world"!

To be fair, a lot of proper posh people drive round in battered old Mercedes estates and similar

@PrivateSchoolTeacherParent yeah the fragile self esteem was a bit of a reach wasn't it.

Everything about a person is a clue to something about them, not sure why anyone feels that needs explaining to death.

I think the reason there was any dispute is because most people are discussing car-based judgements in relation to op's question (i.e there are some really car-judgey people I'm mixing with, do I need to buy a car to ingratiate myself? Ans - not if that's not really who you are, other people are available). While the other was just making a general point that cars give people a bit of insight into something about you (well uh-hu, obvs, but what that insight is and what happens next because of it varies massively)

I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone half-witted enough to place value on what kind of car a person drives.

And yes, I live in an area like that and I could afford a huge SUV but I love my tiny compact car. Easier to park. Better for the environment.

I wouldn't want to mix with vacuous materialistic people so if my car deters them that's fine with me

Fascinating thread - we’ve got one of the ‘swishy’ cars that’s being debated, we also have a car that’s extremely old. So heaven knows how I’m perceived! I also ride my bike quite a bit. But whichever mode of transport I choose on a particular day, I honestly don’t feel judged?

I haven't RTFT OP, only your posts, but you sound lovely. I really don't think being in the 'swishy mum' group would do your mental health any good. Even if you had the car, there would only be the next thing to keep up with. You shouldn't lower yourself to it.

I think you need to focus on finding your own tribe. I guess you are doing a lot of childcare at the moment, so getting out to do your own things might not be easy, but a hobby of your own might be really helpful.

TBH, if you can, I would consider moving. You must be in quite a small bubble because, as PP have said, I don't think even the whole of the Cotswolds is like that. You could probably move a few miles and be somewhere much more down to earth.

Reslity25, how do you judge people without cars?

I did not fit in as a kid at all, so I’d love to actually have a decent friendship group as an adult and the school gate seems like a good place to maybe start.

OP, I may be biased but I can't imagine having anything approaching a 'decent friendship' with women who care what care you drive.

Do you want to become one of them? Do you want to look down your nose at any new mums who drive small cars? Can you imagine a more fatuous way to choose friends.

And they will work out very quickly that you want to fit in and have struggled in the past and they will play with you as group scapegoat or they will play 'is she out or is she in'. I accidentally got scooped up by a group like this when we first moved to an area where people care what car you drive and I witnessed the sneering, the sudden shunning of one woman for no reason other than they liked to stick a pin in a beetle and watch it squirm. I got out and stayed out.

Buy the car you actually need, want and can afford. If it happens to be a 'Richer than Yow' motor that makes them suddenly say hello decide whether you want to befriend them or not. But a Berlingo would also meet all your needs!

Oh, I really want to trade in my clapped out Tiguan for a Berlingo!! I'd better not move to the Cotswolds!

Where do you live?!
You can get a flashy car for any reason you like, and your reasons are probably similar to why most people buy one!
I had a really old car for years and I did feel a big confidence boost when I finally upgraded it (only due to ulez rules) to a smarter cooler one