School mums messaging DH

[ToughToffee]

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

I would treat a DH/DW couple interchangeably. I’d also prefer to have all messages with a single family in one place so would carry on messaging whoever I met first. I wouldn’t read anything into it. I’d also be (secretly) delighted that DH was involved enough that people saw him as the primary parent.

They got to know him first. He was rhe “school parent” so it makes sense he will be the main contact.

Don’t blame you OP. It sounds very annoying.

What does your Dh make of it?

I would go with neither of those options tbh. You reply to bike text rather than Dh. You join the WhatsApp groups (I don’t know how it works but can Dh add you?).

When my xh was a sahp he got the majority of the communication about dc because he was the one that was available.

I can understand why it’s happened, but if it bothers you, maybe just get you DH to always reply something along the lines of ‘not too sure, you should ask DW’ ?

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

Surely they are just texting him because they knew him first and regard him as the primary parent (to them). I think it's just an 'annoyance' of having two parents both having been involved in DCs' social stuff. Great in many ways but logistically sometimes irritating!

If it was a school dad doing it, would you care?

So is it I'm the primary carer, all kid stuff should come through me only OR yo, woman, stop messaging my man
?

This was completely normal at my children's primary school.

I don’t see the issue assuming the messages are just about DC and they are not inappropriate or flirty

DD has a friend where I communicate with the dad as he’s the one I know best

You also sound a bit aggressive about it with your YABU/YANBU options. Chill out, it's most likely nothing personal, they are just defaulting to who they have been used to arranging stuff with and who they've had that type of interaction in the past. I don't see why you would blank anyone. You say it's all about your DC and not social, but then it's obviously hitting a nerve for you socially, so which is it?

You've manipulated the vote so it's not really worth voting.

Some parents bond better with others, that's all.

Really not worth getting het up over 🤷‍♀️

They knew him before, and probably better than, you. So what? It's actually nice to see the dad being treated as the primary parent for once.

Honestly- I don’t see what the problem is here. One of the SAHDs I got to know at my DD’s school once said to me “you’re about the only mum who treats me like a normal person”. And it sounds like that’s what this mum is trying to do. The message you quoted as an example is entirely innocuous and deliberately phrased as an invitation for the child - it would be entirely fine for him to reply and say “Thanks - great - Jane will bring him”. If she sees your DH more, she probably knows him better than she knows you and maybe they had a conversation about riding bikes in the past, so it was more natural to text him. I honestly think you run the risk of making life more difficult for your DH, who sounds like he’s doing a good job of integrating as just “one of the parents” at the school gate.

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.

They see you as interchangeable. They see the last name texted and crack on with the message. They don’t think ‘Must text woman. Must not text man’.

I’ve got friends where I’ll text either of the couple. I do not wish to shag either of the couple.

You are being unreasonable and paranoid.

Is this your DH?

Bloody hell - it’s the constant complaint that women are the default parent and carry the mental load etc. Then when there is a DH who has had that responsibility and so people contact them, that’s wrong too.
And unless you are married to Tom Hardy, then I doubt they are ‘after your man’ because a few mums have invited him to the park with the kids to ride their bikes!
Grow up!!

OMG bluebeck awesome cross post!!

Maybe she forgot at that point maybe it only came up later.

why should be leave the groups just because his wife is sulking about him parenting his children?

Perhaps she wasn't thinking about it an hour before, or perhaps she didn't find out about it until after she got home?

I can't articulate why this post annoys me so much.... but it really does!

Presumably they assume you are going back to work, therefore DH will again be the parent to contact.

I agree with this.

set up a group WhatsApp for all involved parents so everyone can see relevant messages - you/oh/other mum/other dad if relevant