School mums messaging DH

[ToughToffee]

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

You said it better than me!

What exactly is wrong with your DH being the default contact for school stuff?

He is the primary parent in their eyes. Maybe they are used to texting him more?

Or maybe they like him as a person more (not in a sexual way). That’s ok too.

I would be delighted to be left out of play date arrangements. Truly.

If I got to know one parent and always saw them at the school gates and felt I “knew him” more I would just naturally reach out with plans without thinking anything further, expecting him to share it with you and it being an open invite for the pair of you.

Did not think it was an issue it’s good they’re including him as usually mums just stick to socialising with mums and the dads are left out of it.

Do you basically not want the other mothers to stop texting your man? All else being above board e.g messages are entirely school/kid related then it doesn't matter. Are you genuinely the only 'other' parent that hasn't been added to the wider whatsApp group which contains both sets of parents? As long as you feel your husband is has appropriate interaction with these other parents then I'd just let it go. These years don't last long anyway.

Maybe they get on better with him? Don't really see an issue, and I'm not just saying that. Due to career changes and breaks, DP will soon temporarily be taking I over nursery drops and pick ups, and I'll be overjoyed if we end up in this sort of situation, he can manage socialising fine, I don't like it if it isn't someone I already know well. 😅

YABU - they've known your DH longer and are used to making arrangements with him. Nothing more to it.

I'd lock him up and take away his phone. That will stop those brazen harlots getting to him!

You seem overly bothered by this. You say there's a main WhatApp group but you're not invited to any spin offs. You also say you've established some DC related relationships with other mums and also that your husband wasn't close with anyone. I'm certainly not implying anything untoward but how do you know what he chatted about at the school gates?

They met him first so relationships have been established. Maybe later that mum said to group, oh shall we invite OPs kiddies to the cycle day? ....and just stuck with your husbands contact.
Finally you say you're goinging to blank this mum from now on. She'll either not notice or will decide you're unapproachable and leave any communication to your OH. Either way it won't help your case. Have you considered asking her to contact you first? If it was the school would it bother you so much?

My child is grown but he attended a very expensive school with very successful parents - I was middle class single mother - and I had to figure out if my son's classmates were "Dad Kids" or "Mother Kids" or "Nanny Kids" to know who to contact - because it was usually just ONE of these because everyone was so busy busy busy. Your DH got in there first, that is all this is.

You are being massively unreasonable. They got to know him first. You are currently doing the nursery run, but if you go back to work you won’t be and it will be him again.

and they aren’t assuming that the mother has to arrange everything.

They are just doing what they have always done.

Your ‘shall I fuck them all if they prefer dh’ is really quite odd. So what if they do. They are parents on the school run.

Oh and nothing in her message suggested you weren’t invited

Maybe he’s just more approachable.

Great minds think alike @Zipidydodah 😂😂😂

Its likely they assumed because he was the first to establish the relationship you are not keen on being mum friends etc. We have some super career oriented people at our school who I think from past experience are very busy people and not interested in school chit chat.
Why don't you start messaging them the same chit chat stuff and they will see you are?

I don’t think they like you. Are you unfriendly? It would bother me to (them texting DP and not me) but I can be a little petty.

Is he hot?

It sounds like you’ve only been getting to know these mums for a couple of months, whereas your DH has known them for at least a year?

You’ve got to take this into perspective.

For them to just suddenly stop messaging your DH, in their eyes, might seem rude? Maybe?

I certainly wouldn’t ignore them and instead get to know them, as your DH has done.

Tell dh to add you and make a group chat..
I have male customers and we were a bit pally One in particular added his gf to our chats. Wasn't a problem..

I think it is what others have said - that they knew your husband first / for longer. In my younger dd's primary class there were lots of dads who did the school run. For 3 of the families we associated with a lot, the dad was the one I knew best. And socially still see from time to time though she is sixth form now. The mothers were sometimes around, so it's not that I didn't know them, just not as well.

Only the person who sets up a WhatsApp group can add members so I assume it's easier to message the parent who is in the longstanding group.

You’re making this weird. They knew him first so in their head they probably just think x child = you OH as first point of contact. Texting him despite seeing you doesn’t mean anything? I am sure it isnt pre meditated, they probably just weren’t thinking of it when they were with you? I think it’s sad for your OH that you think that because you now do picks up etc that you should be primary contact and they should just drop him!?

I say this very gently but you seem to be feeling a little threatened.

What are you feeling insecure about? Your relationship with your husband and women contacting him, or your position as mother and women considering him default parent?

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others

And this is an enormous overreaction. Of course you don’t text their husbands if both you and they are not the “primary” school contact for the kids. But that’s what this is about. There’s absolutely nothing inappropriate about that message and nothing to say that you’re not invited too. I was sending some invitations to my DD’s friends a few weeks ago and asked for “the Mums’ numbers”. This turned out to be a sexist assumption on my part as my DD said that her friend Lucy’s dad was a SAHD and that I should contact him. All good - arrangements made. In the event, Lucy’s mum brought her and we had a coffee and a chat - and it was she who sent the “thank you” text. All very friendly. But I’d still text Lucy’s dad next time to make a similar arrangement as I know that’s “his” domain and it would look a bit odd suddenly to do it the other way round just because I now know Lucy’s mum. And, arguably, a bit rude - why shouldn’t the dad be the primary carer/event arranger? If Lucy told my DD initially to text her dad, why should I unilaterally decide to text her mum? And why does it matter - they obviously speak about things pertaining to Lucy, which is the only reason we are in contact in the first place!

I hate the assumption that I automatically have to become friends with my male friends partners just because we are the same sex. They met your DH first and probably know him better so maybe just feel more comfortable contacting him

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. They knew him first so he's the go to parent when they're doing kid stuff.

Yabu